Could some women help me with a disappointing hubby?

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Sharon–I want to cry for you and your children, but I will pray for you. And, Sparkle, too.

I share many of these same disappointments with my husband. He RAGES, curses, mocks my religion and subtly (although not necessarily always purposefully) undermines my efforts to raise holy children. He has a problem with drugs and is basically, IMO, addicted to movies and TV. He is lazy and ungrateful. I could go on, but I should stop.

Anyway, my heart hurts for you knowing the pain you’re feeling. Let’s pick a day to fast and pray about it.
 
Hi Paul, Monica, Sharon, and Lewlo:

I appreciate your responses so much! Thank you for sharing your tribulations too with me. I know there are others who struggle too. Yes, let’s pick a day to fast and pray about this very issue. How about this next Friday----the 12th??? Who wants to? For the conversion of our spouses, to let go and let God, and TRY to BE the faithful spouses and not try to change our spouses. I’m willing!!!

Write back and God Bless You All~~
 
Yeah, I like that idea, even though I am a terribly faster, I will do it on the 12 th for this cause, by the way: I want to share with you advice given to me by Fr Corapi, which keeps me going on in this arid marriage. Love is a decision. In marriage we are called to bring our spouses and children and selves to heaven. This is our duty. The struggle and the suffering have merit. We must be faithful and not give up ever. This will save our soul. Even if it kills us, or we die in the process, we must strive to bring them to Jesus. In a way we are saints giving everything up toward that goal and we may be martyrs. I am willing to do that. Sometimes it means saying nothing, just praying. Protecting my children from his actions is also part of my duty, such as pornography, I take them away, tell him to turn it off or leave the house. It is very hard. I did not want my marriage to be like this. Sometimes I regret marrying him, but I know that I am here now and God is using me here. It would be wrong for me to abandon my vocation. Where would divorce get us, more hurts on top of the already hurt and he would go off sinning all the more, maybe I would sin in ways I had not in the marriage and then we have sin upon sin and no one saved. Love, Sharon:)
 
I used to feel the same way you do, and for good reason! (except my husband didn’t drink or use drugs). What I have found in the intervening years is that if I take those first steps, treat him, not as i think he deserves to be treated, but as I as a Christian ought to treat people, then things get better.

I have been working on doing nice things for him. I have read that there are five different love “languages” and that we each gravitate to one or the other. I like people to talk with me. He likes to do things for people. I am pretty independent, so that doesn’t really “show” love for me, but now I try to do things for him, and he talks more with me!

The others are: touch, gifts, and … I think visual, notes and things, but I am not sure.

Anyway, reading in Confessions about St Monica, how she acted towards her husband when he beat her, etc, relaly helped me a lot. It was jsut about 2 or 3 paragraphs, but she never said anything bad about him, and she only countered his criticism of her if it was necessary (that part, I also needed St Francis de Sales’ discussion of abject humility in Intro to the Devout Life to understand!)

So even tho it feels perfectly awful, try to do nice little things for your husband, and after a while, even if he doesn’t change, your feelings will.
 
Dear Sparkle and (Suffering) Friends,

A day of prayer and fasting sounds marvelous. I’m in for the 12th also. I have a problem with fasting however; my confessor forbade me to use food as a penance anymore, as I’m seriously underweight due to the stress of my marraige. Maybe I will try to eat extra instead. For me that is worse than fasting - I have no appetite at all.

Shall we pick a particular prayer to all say together? Perhaps start a novena on that day? I’m sure there must be one to Saint Rita. I have one for Saint Joseph; he must be good for coming to the aid of families.

Any other suggestions? You are all in my prayers. It is eerie how similar our trials are.

God Bless. Monica
 
I know you’ve had a lot of posts with a lot of really good advice–I just wanted to add a book God reminded me about when I was praying for you “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie OMartin. It’s not a Catholic book, but it changed my marriage by making me the one willing to change first. Also, it taught me how to pray, really pray for my husband.
I still have a hard time sometimes not looking down on him. I force myself not to focus on his negatives but constantly review a list in my head of all his good qualities.
And I tryi to make it a goal to compliment him every day which builds him up and forces me to think of something nice about him everyday.
 
RedHead Sue:
Sparkle, I understand and can empathize. I’ve been married 18 years to a man who goes to Mass twice a week and prays the Rosary weekly with me and our children. He’s on the parish council and is a lector. Everyone thinks he’s so perfect.

What they don’t recognize is that he goes out drinking with his “buddies” from work every weekend, is physically and verbally abusive, smokes and cusses in front of the kids, is controlling, and puts me down in front of our friends, relatives, and even total strangers.
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I respect people who can “bear the cross” and suffer and all, but this sounds like an abusive, dangerous situation. You shouldn’t have to put up with it. Have you spoken with your parish priest?
 
May I suggest a tip on converting spouses. Take action and start orchestrating evenings or weekends to hang out with people of strong faith.

Men relate to men in different ways than they relate to women, even their own spouses. So if you hang out with a couple of strong faith, your spouse will likely pair up with the other husband and go talk “guy stuff”.

Focus on making this an enjoyable time. Preferrably get set-up with a couple where the husband shares similar interests as your own husband (golf, fishing, handywork, etc.)

Or, try inviting a priest over for meals on a regular basis. Set everything up nice and comfy, make your husband’s favorite drink, let him shoot the breeze with the priest. Eventually the talk will lead to deeper topics. And at the same time, you will be doing a great thing for your priest!
 
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sparkle:
Hi Paul, Monica, Sharon, and Lewlo:

I appreciate your responses so much! Thank you for sharing your tribulations too with me. I know there are others who struggle too. Yes, let’s pick a day to fast and pray about this very issue. How about this next Friday----the 12th??? Who wants to? For the conversion of our spouses, to let go and let God, and TRY to BE the faithful spouses and not try to change our spouses. I’m willing!!!

Write back and God Bless You All~~
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Not too good with the quote thing, but I’m in for the Friday fasting, Sparkle. Wonderful idea!

Sherilo
 
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tjmonica:
Dear Sparkle and (Suffering) Friends,
.

Shall we pick a particular prayer to all say together? Perhaps start a novena on that day? I’m sure there must be one to Saint Rita. I have one for Saint Joseph; he must be good for coming to the aid of families.

Monica-

catholic-church.org/kuwait/st_rita_novena.htm

What prayer do you suggest that we can all pray together? It would be powerful for us to pray the same one, along with our own, on that day.

Sparkle, anyone?
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Greetings Sparkle

First of all, let me tell you that this coming Feb. 12, I will be married for 50 years to a sinful, imperfect man. He has been a royal pain at times. He has been cold and arrogant and even mean. It is hard for me to understand it when I am so very perfect, myself. I never sin, am always warm and humble and of course always affectionate and gentle.

Forgive me, that is the little lecture I give my sons.

The truth is, we both have our faults and are both sinners.
The Good News is, we are both Children of God.

God loves my husband every bit as much as he loves anyone on earth and that goes for the Padre Pios, Pope John Paul II and the Mother Teresas. He sent His Son to suffer and die for each of us, individually. That includes your imperfect hubby.

So, as an old married wife, here is what I recommend for you. Start out by writing down every good trait of your husband. Every one you can think of and be honest. ( I found that to begin with, I made a separate list with every bad trait of my own self.) During that week, I spent time every day, thanking God for every one of those good things. Then, every week I find one more good thing to add to my list.

It is often very easy to see the bad things in our husbands and they get our focus. It is much better to focus on the good things. We will soon start treating our husband better if we are sincere in what we do. I also love to pray that God will allow me to see him as God sees him and to love him like God loves him.

I can tell you that most men are not too hard to please. Appreciate them for the good they do, be affectionate and give them peace and quiet when they need it. Usually they will respond very nicely.
 
I would like to fast for hurting marriages on Friday, the 12th. It is very hard for me to fast, but I will do my best.

Sparkle - I know how you feel so much of the time. But this is the best chance you may ever have, as the pain of your marriage increases, to ask God to strengthen the grace of your union. You are doing a wonderful thing by reaching out here - this is a topic that needs discussing more. BTW, my husband left after years of treating me badly and now is committing adultery.

The church has not been very responsive to people in hurting or broken marriages. For some reason, this is one area you rarely hear sermons on or even get much help with by going to the priests. I would like to think there are plenty of priests who do better, but I don’t think most do.

God bless.
 
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robertaf:
Greetings Sparkle

I will be married for 50 years to a sinful, imperfect man. .
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:clapping: Wow!!! 50 years! What a wonderful thing!!!
 
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sparkle:
DHGRAY:

We all must strive to BE the Christian God calls us to be–whether wife or husband–and this friends I sooo want to do. But it sooo hard, when you literally get NOTHING from your spouse, and the negative feelings are so evident. I feel like I so dislike my husband these days. He has hurt me so much, that I will never love him like I once used to so fully and totally. Maybe this says something about how we should only put our trust in God and no human. I was so completely IN_LOVE and CRAZY about my hubby. NOW, I have literally NO love and trust left at all. He has chosen porn and the ways of this World and all its sin over me and a Christian Family. This sickens me to no end. This Saturday will be our 1st marriage counseling. But I don’t think I can EVER get back what I used to feel. A real shame. He’s such a disappointment to me. I’ve lost all love and respect for him. Zero. Nada. I wonder should I endure this for the next 35 years? For the sake of the kids and my beliefs? Sometimes I really do wonder this.
I feel just like you!! and Im going to pray for! Your husband sounds like mine! And it is sooo hard and lonley (he wont even kiss me anymore!)

Terri:blessyou:
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Hi Terri: (and all others on this marvelous thread):

Bless You Terri and your journey!------

I’m sorry to say I don’t know any novenas yet (being a new convert)–any one you guys say–I’ll sure be willing to pray with ya all! Could you please post the prayer–then I’ll print it out and meditate on it all day! So…let’s pray and fast this Friday for the conversion of our spouses. I know it will be most hard!!! yikes----but we can do it can’t we?

I wait to hear from you!!

Luv,

Sparkle
 
Here is the St. Andrew prayer to start November 30.

St. Andrew Christmas Novena Prayer to Obtain Favors

Hail and blessed be the hour and moment in which the Son of God was born of the most pure Virgin Mary, at midnight, in Bethlehem, in piercing cold. In that hour, vouchsafe, O my God! to hear my prayer and grant my desires, through the merits of Our Saviour Jesus Christ, and of His Blessed Mother. Amen.

(It is piously believed that whoever recites the above prayer fifteen times a day from the feast of St. Andrew (30th November) until Christmas will obtain what is asked.)

Imprimatur
+MICHAEL AUGUSTINE, Archbishop of New York
New York, February 6, 1897
 
Some of the prayers to saints suggested in above posts:

O holy Monica, by your patience and prayers you obtained from God the conversion of your husband and the grace to live in peace with him; obtain for us, we beseech you, the blessing of Almighty God, so that true harmony and peace may reign also in our homes, and that all the members of our families may attain eternal life. Amen.
PRAYER TO ST. RITA

Holy Patroness of those in need, St. Rita, whose pleadings before thy Divine Lord are almost irresistible, who for thy lavishness in granting favors hast been called the Advocate of the Hopeless and even of the Impossible; St. Rita, so humble, so pure, so mortified, so patient and of such compassionate love for thy Crucified Jesus that thou couldst obtain from Him whatsoever thou askest, on account of which all confidently have recourse to thee, expecting, if not always relief, at least comfort; be propitious to our petition, showing thy power with God on behalf of thy suppliant; be lavish to us, as thou hast been in so many wonderful cases, for the greater glory of God, for the spreading of thine own devotion, and for the consolation of those who trust in thee. We promise, if our petition is granted, to glorify thee by making known thy favor, to bless and sing thy praises forever. Relying then upon thy merits and power before the Sacred Heart of Jesus, we pray thee grant that *(here mention your request).
*

Obtain for us our request….

By the singular merits of thy childhood, By the perfect union with thy Divine Will,

By thy heroic sufferings during thy married life, By the consolation thou didst experience at the conversion of thy husband, By the Sacrifice of thy children rather than see them grievously offend God. By thy miraculous entrance into the convent,

By thy severe penances and thrice daily bloody scouragings, By the suffering caused by the wound thou didst receive from the thorn of thy Crucified Saviour,

By the divine love which consumed thy heart, By that remarkable devotion to the Blessed Sacrament, on which alone thou didst exist for four years.

By the happiness with which thou didst part from thy trials to join thy Divine Spouse,

By the perfect example thou gavest to people of every state of life.

Pray for us, O holy St. Rita, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
 
Let’s pray the one to St. Rita. She had a terrible husband (with a capital T), but because of her patience and virtue he finally converted.
 
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lewlo:
Let’s pray the one to St. Rita. She had a terrible husband (with a capital T), but because of her patience and virtue he finally converted.
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O.K. But the others are nice also–thanks to whoever posted them!!!

Here’s a neat and simple

“Prayer to St. Rita” I just found:

St. Rita, come to my aid!
Faithful loving wife and mother,
Humble, prayerful widow and nun,
Because of my need, answer my call.

St. Rita, come to my aid!
Beautiful rose born
from the Savior’s thorns,
Lead me far from anger and hate;
Guide my heart on peaceful paths
with charity to all.

St. Rita, come to my aid!
Helper, healer, holy friend
Hear my petition (make request).
To Christ take this prayer,
For He is my Lord, my God, my
All.

God Bless Friends~~
 
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