Daughter

[Mea_Culpa]

Our 19 year old daughter is putting us through hell. Things were good up until about 6 months ago, when she got a new boyfriend. Since then, she’s lied to us and spent the night at his house (he lives with his parents, who help her concoct lies to tell us because we’re “too strict”). Last week we found out he’s she’s been having him climb in her bedroom window at night while we’re asleep and having sex with him. I want to kick her out, but my wife says she’s been “emotionally abused,” is “brainwashed” and a “victim” and won’t hear of it. Now she’s run away and is staying at his (parents’) house, but still plans for us to pay for her to go away to college in the Fall.

I don’t want to finance her “lifestyle” any longer, but my wife gives in to all her demands for money, cell phone, etc. I feel like a fool, working hard only to have my money go to financing a sinful lifestyle of someone that has absolutely no respect for me, our family, our home, our religion (when she ran away, she arranged that he would pick her up outside Mass - she told us she was going to the bathroom and never returned. My wife was devastated.) Personally, I’m glad she’s gone and wish she would stay gone - but, like I said, she expects to go away to college in the Fall and have us foot the bill. I really don’t want to do that, but my wife will dance to whatever tune she plays. I’ve even thought of divorce over this issue. Any suggestions? If no suggestion, please pray for us.

 

[flyingfish]

Our 19 year old daughter is putting us through hell. Things were good up until about 6 months ago, when she got a new boyfriend. Since then, she’s lied to us and spent the night at his house (he lives with his parents, who help her concoct lies to tell us because we’re “too strict”). Last week we found out he’s she’s been having him climb in her bedroom window at night while we’re asleep and having sex with him. I want to kick her out, but my wife says she’s been “emotionally abused,” is “brainwashed” and a “victim” and won’t hear of it. Now she’s run away and is staying at his (parents’) house, but still plans for us to pay for her to go away to college in the Fall.

I don’t want to finance her “lifestyle” any longer, but my wife gives in to all her demands for money, cell phone, etc. I feel like a fool, working hard only to have my money go to financing a sinful lifestyle of someone that has absolutely no respect for me, our family, our home, our religion (when she ran away, she arranged that he would pick her up outside Mass - she told us she was going to the bathroom and never returned. My wife was devastated.) Personally, I’m glad she’s gone and wish she would stay gone - but, like I said, she expects to go away to college in the Fall and have us foot the bill. I really don’t want to do that, but my wife will dance to whatever tune she plays. I’ve even thought of divorce over this issue. Any suggestions? If no suggestion, please pray for us.

So your child makes a mistake and your desire is to throw her out, and your wish is that “she would stay gone”. You seem like an extremely cold person, do you love her at all?

The kind of attitude you have is contrary to Catholicism. Remember the parable of the prodigal son. And you are thinking about divorcing your wife because she wants to take care of her child? I don’t think I need to tell you what the Church teaches about that one.

Getting married and raising a family is a vocation, when you become a parent you make a commitment to raise your child and to sacrifice if need be. Once you’re a parent it’s no longer all about you. You seem to want to destroy your daughter’s life because she made a mistake. Paying for her education would not be “financing her sinful lifestyle”, maybe paying for a motel room and condoms would be.

You need to talk to a priest and pray about this, because right now you are not being a loving husband or father. Why get married and have children if you don’t intend to follow through? Husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, Christ endured horrible pain and death for the Church. Did he say he wished sinners would get lost and “stay gone.”?

 

[SaltySirena]

It’s not wrong to expect an adult to pay her own bills. She should have no expectation of financial support if she is living in a way with which you disagree. Every dollar you give her is a dollar she doesn’t have to earn to support her lifestyle. And no one has any right to a college education. If she wants one bad enough, she’ll find a way to get it!

I’m sorry it’s destroying your marriage. But, your wife has been undermining you as a father for a long time, hasn’t she? In large part she probably created your daughter’s total lack of respect for either one of you. Because daughter learned that Mom would give in to any whim, and that she could trample all over your authority.

I agree you should pray, and maybe even talk to a priest for guidance, support, counseling. IMO, you are not wrong… even down to the fatigue you feel in dealing with the whole mess. I don’t doubt you love your daughter, but it’s pretty demoralizing to have her throw in your face over and over again that she has no respect or regard for you. And she is an adult. You can’t control her. The corollary to that is that you are not required to put up with or pay for her shenanigans any longer!

Sign over the pink slip to her life, Dad! I don’t know how you’ll stop Mom giving her your hard earned money unless you sever your finances from her… but at least you can do everything in your power to try and stop this. It only takes one to put a stop payment on something! Like an auto-pay plan for tuition, etc…

P.S. flyingfish… way to be charitable, man.

 

[flyingfish]

It’s not wrong to expect an adult to pay her own bills.

But she’s not an adult, the times when people became adults at 19 are long gone. People become adults when they graduate from college.

Would she be able to get loans to finance her own education, or would the school expect her parents to pay for it?

If he succeeds in denying her that, what will she do, work at McDonald’s for the rest of her life? Seems like a cruel thing to do to a person. Why have children if you don’t intend to properly raise them?

And I don’t intend to be uncharitable, it’s just pretty shocking to see someone be so cold and cruel toward his own daughter. Sorry, but it just seems inhuman. Family values aside, it’s just biologically unnatural for a parent to want to essentially disown his own child. Parents are generally willing to go through hell for the sake of their children, and make endless sacrifices, and forgive and forgive.

 

[SaltySirena]

But she’s not an adult, the times when people became adults at 19 are long gone. People become adults when they graduate from college.

Are you aware that only about 10% of Americans have a bachelor’s degree? There’s a whole lotta children running the country according to your logic!

18 is legal adulthood. She wants to live this way, she can do it on her own dime. She ends up having out of wedlock babies and flippin burgers, that’s the result of her own choices.

Speaking of McDonald’s, did you know that store managers make about $100,000 a year?! That’s more than twice what my college educated husband makes as an accountant right now.

Parents are generally willing to go through hell for the sake of their children, and make endless sacrifices, and forgive and forgive.

And if you do that too much, this daughter’s behavior is what you reap. A big part of being a good parent is holding your kid accountable.

 

[flyingfish]

Are you aware that only about 10% of Americans have a bachelor’s degree? There’s a whole lotta children running the country according to your logic!

18 is legal adulthood. She wants to live this way, she can do it on her own dime. She ends up having out of wedlock babies and flippin burgers, that’s the result of her own choices.

Speaking of McDonald’s, did you know that store managers make about $100,000 a year?! That’s more than twice what my college educated husband makes as an accountant right now.

Well, we can talk about the unfortunate situations many people find themselves in. But generally when parents can ensure that their kids don’t end up working in McDonald’s, they tend to do what they can (even if they themselves have to work 2 McDonald’s type jobs to provide their kids a better life).

I’m sure there are people working for McDonalds (like the managers you mentioned, and other higher ups) that make a lot of money. But at 19 without an education she’d be taking orders and making fries for minimum wage.

And here is a “father” who can provide his daughter a better life, but doesn’t want to because she disobeyed him and got a boyfriend. What kind of a parent does that ?!

 

[SaltySirena]

Start at 19 at minimum wage. Move up and make more. Get it?

She didn’t just disobey him and get a boyfriend. She snuck him into the house to have sex. She lies about where she is and stays over at the boyfriend’s house. She is showing total disrespect for her parents and their authority to control what happens in their own home.

And she still expects Mommy and Daddy to pay the bill so she can get a college degree to go with her orgasms. She wants the perks of being a grownup without the responsibility.

When you’re a good parent, it doesn’t work that way.

However, from your posts, I am judging that you have no children and are likely this girl’s age. So, I’ll just tell you that when you have your own kids, you’ll understand.

 

[flyingfish]

Start at 19 at minimum wage. Move up and make more. Get it?

She didn’t just disobey him and get a boyfriend. She snuck him into the house to have sex. She lies about where she is and stays over at the boyfriend’s house. She is showing total disrespect for her parents and their authority to control what happens in their own home.

And she still expects Mommy and Daddy to pay the bill so she can get a college degree to go with her orgasms. She wants the perks of being a grownup without the responsibility.

When you’re a good parent, it doesn’t work that way.

However, from your posts, I am judging that you have no children and are likely this girl’s age. So, I’ll just tell you that when you have your own kids, you’ll understand.

And which young people don’t make mistakes? How many of us strayed and had premarital sex when we were young? How many teenagers break their parents rules?

The OP’s reaction is simply unnatural and inhuman, there is no love for his daughter. He does not even seem worried about her, or expresses a desire for her to be happy. It’s just “she broke my rules, so now I want to disown her. My wife wants her to come back, but I’d rather she stayed gone. My main concern here is that my wife is going to try to use my money to pay for her college education, I’m thinking of divorcing my wife over this too”. He said he is** glad **his daughter is gone. How can a parent be glad when his child runs away?

And very few people can move up from minimum wage to 100k a year.

 

[Jay82]

Are you aware that only about 10% of Americans have a bachelor’s degree? There’s a whole lotta children running the country according to your logic!

I don’t think 10% is accurate here. I think it is more so like 25%+ as you can see based on 2005 stats.

factfinder.census.gov/servlet/GRTTable?_bm=y&-box_head_nbr=R1402&-ds_name=ACS_2005_EST_G00&-_lang=en&-format=US-30&-CONTEXT=grt

18 is legal adulthood. She wants to live this way, she can do it on her own dime. She ends up having out of wedlock babies and flippin burgers, that’s the result of her own choices.

Speaking of McDonald’s, did you know that store managers make about $100,000 a year?! That’s more than twice what my college educated husband makes as an accountant right now.

And if you do that too much, this daughter’s behavior is what you reap. A big part of being a good parent is holding your kid accountable.

I find it very hard to believe that a McDonalds store manager makes 100k. My home town has a very high cost of living and most McDonalds managers make between 30k-60k. I would like to see some stats to back that statement up.

Anyway, based on the posts in this thread, I tend to agree with FlyingFish on a few things. I don’t think the OP should flat out abandon his daughter and sever all contacts. Boyfriends/girlfriends come and go and I highly doubt the relationship with this guy is going to last very long. It will end for one reason or another and she will need support, and her parents should be there for her to help her out. I agree with FlyingFish in the sense that the OP seems to want to ‘disown’ her and have nothing to do with his own daughter and that seems very harsh to me. Their has to be some deeper issues at play her to cause her daughter to run away, not just this guy and his family. A major factor that goes into a girl’s relationships with boys/men is the relationship with her father. If that is good/strong she will select good men to be with, if the relationship is bad then she will tend to select men that will also be harmful to her. She is young and niave at the moment and will eventually learn from the mistakes she is making now.

It’s not wrong to expect an adult to pay her own bills. She should have no expectation of financial support if she is living in a way with which you disagree. Every dollar you give her is a dollar she doesn’t have to earn to support her lifestyle. And no one has any right to a college education. If she wants one bad enough, she’ll find a way to get it!

Salty, I agree with you here for the most part. I don’t think she should just skate by with free college tuition after running away from home. Once you ‘runaway’ thats it, you are out and on your own. However, based on what I previously said, I believe this situation is temporary, and to permanently make the daughter suffer might be a bit too much. I think a viable alternative (which may appeal to the OP’s wife) would be to make the daughter take out a loan to cover her tuition. If she returns back to the type of lifestyle the OP approves of, then by the time she graduates the parents can pay back the loan. If she continues down the path she is now, well… then she is stuck with the loan. Either way the parents helped her get an education and at least set her on the path to be self sufficient and successful in the work force. I don’t see how anyone can support a family on 30k a year, yet it is done by many.

But she’s not an adult, the times when people became adults at 19 are long gone. People become adults when they graduate from college.
.

I think Flyingfish is right here… nowadays kids don’t grow up until they graduate college. Childhood is prolonged these days due to the fact decent jobs can’t really be found without a degree. Unless the child goes straight into a full time job after high school and moves out of the parents house, they are essential still a child, even if they are 18+.

 

[Luvs2Learn]

wow, talk about “tuff love!”. Listen, the OP has a 19 year old daughter who found a boyfriend that ecourages her to do things that many other teenagers do. Is it behavior that is expected of a Catholic , no of course not. But it is common behavior of a typical 18-20 year old trying new things and learning to spread their wings on their own. As we grow and experiment and come into our own we learn many things. Some of us learn respect and reverance at an early age and others like the Prodigal son must go out and make mistakes (hopefully learn form those mistakes) and then return home to start a new.
Your daughter is 19. She “thinks” she has grown up in a strict household with lots of rules (what college bound teenager does not feel this way) granted she actually took it to the next level and disobeyed you (but lots of teens disobey their parents and are just really sneaky about it and don’t get caught).
You are in a situation where you can actually help your daughter. The meaner and colder you become the more you will drive her away. What you need is a true heart to heart. Invite her home . From your post it sounds like your wife is a softy and you are hard. you and your wife must also be united as a team and not undermine each other a true team go with your wife go get your daughter back. As for her boyfriends parents, have you actually spoken with them?

 

[MercyMia]

MeaCulpa - I think that your daughter has fallen into the common trap many people her age fall into (I’m only 25 myself and people my age are still in this trap, but usually their parents are holding the financial burden any longer). She probably has no idea how much she is hurting you, hurting herself and hurting her own value by behaving this way. In fact, it sounds like she has an entitlement issue with all of this that blinds her to seeing how wrong she is. She is wounded on some level, and while that doesn’t excuse her behavior, it might explain it.
The issue of paying for college is a tough one because if she does go away to school there is a chance she may meet other people and see what a loser this current guy is and move on from him. She may also mature more at college. On the other hand, if you can’t trust her even in your own house - do you really want to be footing the bill for her to carry on this behavior and who knows what else somewhere unsupervised. Not paying for her schooling may cause her to stay and become more attached to this current boy and for you to become more of the “enemy.” I know that fall is coming soon, but is there anyway you can change the plan up? Maybe you can say you will pay for college, but only under the condition that she attends a Catholic ( a conservative one) college or university?
The most important thing you can do is pray for her. Since she is not home, I might suggest sending her a really heartfelt letter. Explain to her how you only want the best for her - that God wants to see her in a loving relationship where she is cherished, not being used by some teenaged guy. Recall times you spent with her as a little girls, and how you hate seeing her be used by this guy. Tell her that if he really loved her, he wouldn’t treat her this way. Tell her how much you want to pay for college so that she may have a solid future, but you cannot contribute money to her life when she is living so immorally. Invite her back home and into your care under the condition that she leaves the immorality behind. At the end of the day, she really needs to reclaim her value in life and the value of her body. Sometimes only God can bring that, so this may be a matter of her growing and maturing - so you and your wife should aggressively pray for her. Divorce should not be on the table. Because the two of you are bound for life, you must preserve your marriage above all else.

 

[yellowbird]

Although I fall somewhere in the middle of the OP and flying fish, I lean much more toward the OP in his decision to pull her support. She made her choices… and choices have consequences. Without the support of his wife though, I think he’s stuck.

Running away from mass to be with her boyfriend without even telling me? Sneaking a boyfriend in the window at night to have sex in my house? Not sure what kind of kid you were flying fish but that is just rude and disrepectful beyond words.

Sorry OP - but try to work it out with your wife. Divorce is not an option. It’s never what God would have you do.

 

[cargau]

Our 19 year old daughter is putting us through hell. Things were good up until about 6 months ago, when she got a new boyfriend. Since then, she’s lied to us and spent the night at his house (he lives with his parents, who help her concoct lies to tell us because we’re “too strict”). Last week we found out he’s she’s been having him climb in her bedroom window at night while we’re asleep and having sex with him. I want to kick her out, but my wife says she’s been “emotionally abused,” is “brainwashed” and a “victim” and won’t hear of it. Now she’s run away and is staying at his (parents’) house, but still plans for us to pay for her to go away to college in the Fall.

I don’t want to finance her “lifestyle” any longer, but my wife gives in to all her demands for money, cell phone, etc. I feel like a fool, working hard only to have my money go to financing a sinful lifestyle of someone that has absolutely no respect for me, our family, our home, our religion (when she ran away, she arranged that he would pick her up outside Mass - she told us she was going to the bathroom and never returned. My wife was devastated.) Personally, I’m glad she’s gone and wish she would stay gone - but, like I said, she expects to go away to college in the Fall and have us foot the bill. I really don’t want to do that, but my wife will dance to whatever tune she plays. I’ve even thought of divorce over this issue. Any suggestions? If no suggestion, please pray for us.

One of the tragedies of the past 40 or 50 years has been the feminist mentality that has been permitted to poison family relationships. You are the father and husband. You are the head of your household and the vicar of your small “Church”, the family. You are the primary teacher of your offspring.

You sound like you are allowing your wife and children to run over you and in the process, your instinct is to run away, file for divorce and allow your child to run away. You need to fight for them. Be strong and demand behavioral changes. Your daughter’s mortal and spiritual life depend on how you respond. Be a man, darn it. Love your family like Christ loves His Church. If it means that you need to be direct, so be it.

In spite of what your wife says, the money needs to be cut off, at once. No financial support, no cell phones, etc. If your daughter intends to make adult decisions in spite of your protests, she can’t be an adult half way. That is not cruel, that is tough love.

So, strap on your boots and stop whining. That complacency is probably what got you in this situation to begin with.

I’ll be praying for you…

 

[GracedUpon]

I would suggest the OP and his wife attend marriage counseling before making further decisions on how to handle their daughter. Hopefully counseling will help them to improve their communication so they can come up with a game plan and be on the same page, showing a united front that their daughter can no longer break.

 

[SaltySirena]

I am stunned that flyingfish is getting support for the ridiculous idea that kids don’t grow up until they graduate college. Maybe some spoiled little brats… even if I was wrong about the bachelor’s degree figure and it is 25%, that means that 75% of Americans somehow have to learn to grow up without one. And this attitude is an INSULT to the young soldiers who are out there risking their lives protecting all these whiny, disrespectful 20 and 30 somethings living cushy, rent-free lives at Mommy and Daddy’s.

Mostly I think the reason that kids don’t act like adults when they are is because their parents were weak and didn’t raise them right, and don’t expect them to act like adults even though they are. Paying for college is something alot of parents want to do, for many reasons. But my kids are going to EARN the support they receive from my husband and I by being decent, responsible people who follow the rules we set on receiving our money. It’s a privilege, not a right! And if they choose to violate those rules, then they will have to find ways to pay for college on their own. I am NOT paying for my adult child to party and screw up their lives. If that is the path they take, they pay for it.

They have to decide what is more important to them. Our financial help, or the choices they want to make that go against us. If they choose the latter, we still love them, and they are welcome to Sunday dinner, but they pay their own bills. Seems simple, and uncontroversial, to me.

Maybe I just come from a cold, heartless, cruel family.

 

[howdytest]

All i see is a lack of maturity on both sides of the table. Obviously, the OP and his daughter share the same stubbornness and any willingness to compromise might be responded to equally. A happy medium always exists.

I definitely do not see in your attitude a Christ filled love. I’ve always taken that to mean loving someone for who they are, regardless of the rights or wrongs. If it was me, i would pray everyday for her revelation. The financial backing would stay because as a father, i would want my child to have every benefit in this world and want for nothing.

It saddens me that a “Catholic” forum would show such divide over a foundation of our faith: love. Further, it hurts to see such a person, with such a zeal and vigor for his faith, completely miss the concept that is a father’s love.

I’ll pray for you all, but my hope for you has faltered.

 

[Musician]

I am astonished at the flak the OP is getting for his frustrations. It makes me wonder if those posters have teenagers. We have raised four children and had to kick out our daughter when she was only 17…TWICE. Her attitude was unconscionable. We were NOT going to put up with it, and didn’t. Guess who came back with flowers and apologies? Yep…same daughter after she learned that life is a harsh reality and other people will not give you free rent, tuition money, pay for your car insurance, etc., etc., etc.
The OP is absolutely right to be frustrated. His wife should immediately obey his wishes in not wanting to finance this spoiled brat’s lifestyle. She’s 19; let her get a job and pay her own way through college. I paid my own way and managed to graduate. What is so terrible about saying,“I cannot in good conscience pay your bills when you are living this lifestyle.” ???
It is TIME our children grew up and faced reality. Love is not footing every bill that adult children have; it just enables them. It is time to stop the nonsense that somehow we owe our children infinite financial help regardless of the lives these spoiled American children are leading. Our money should go to the truly needy and destitute.

 

[yellowbird]

I am stunned that flyingfish is getting support for the ridiculous idea that kids don’t grow up until they graduate college. Maybe some spoiled little brats… even if I was wrong about the bachelor’s degree figure and it is 25%, that means that 75% of Americans somehow have to learn to grow up without one. And this attitude is an INSULT to the young soldiers who are out there risking their lives protecting all these whiny, disrespectful 20 and 30 somethings living cushy, rent-free lives at Mommy and Daddy’s.

Mostly I think the reason that kids don’t act like adults when they are is because their parents were weak and didn’t raise them right, and don’t expect them to act like adults even though they are. Paying for college is something alot of parents want to do, for many reasons. But my kids are going to EARN the support they receive from my husband and I by being decent, responsible people who follow the rules we set on receiving our money. It’s a privilege, not a right! And if they choose to violate those rules, then they will have to find ways to pay for college on their own. I am NOT paying for my adult child to party and screw up their lives. If that is the path they take, they pay for it.

They have to decide what is more important to them. Our financial help, or the choices they want to make that go against us. If they choose the latter, we still love them, and they are welcome to Sunday dinner, but they pay their own bills. Seems simple, and uncontroversial, to me.

Maybe I just come from a cold, heartless, cruel family.

I agree with you 100%

It’s not cold and heartless. It helps our children become responsible members of society.

 

[Jay82]

I am stunned that flyingfish is getting support for the ridiculous idea that kids don’t grow up until they graduate college. Maybe some spoiled little brats… even if I was wrong about the bachelor’s degree figure and it is 25%, that means that 75% of Americans somehow have to learn to grow up without one. And this attitude is an INSULT to the young soldiers who are out there risking their lives protecting all these whiny, disrespectful 20 and 30 somethings living cushy, rent-free lives at Mommy and Daddy’s…

Even though I do think kids don’t grow up upon graduating high school like they used to in previous generations, it doesn’t mean I think it is a good thing. Too many ‘kids’ between ages 18-21ish are immature, not responsible, and act like they can do anything, etc. It has been very frustrating to me in many ways which I won’t get into here so I don’t get off track.

I personally think it is ridiculous to live rent free at your parents house if you are not a full time college student.

Mostly I think the reason that kids don’t act like adults when they are is because their parents were weak and didn’t raise them right, and don’t expect them to act like adults even though they are. Paying for college is something alot of parents want to do, for many reasons. But my kids are going to EARN the support they receive from my husband and I by being decent, responsible people who follow the rules we set on receiving our money. It’s a privilege, not a right! And if they choose to violate those rules, then they will have to find ways to pay for college on their own. I am NOT paying for my adult child to party and screw up their lives. If that is the path they take, they pay for it.

Yes, parents spoil/baby kids a lot more now than in previous generations. Furthermore, life is just easier on kids nowadays too. For example:

-Many people have landscapers now, kids don’t have to do yard work.
-Kids rarely walk to school anymore (or so it seems).
-Everyone in HS has a car
-Too much technology
-Too much ‘babying’ in terms of what kids can do in their free time. (In the past boys used to be able to play tackle football with their friends at someone’s house, if someone got hurt, it didn’t matter, you shook it off or went to the doc. That was the end of it… today the parent would get sued).

A college education is a privilege and she has to earn it… I think if the parents help her get a loan it would be better than not doing anything. But I don’t think the OP should pay for his daughter who in a sense is a ‘runaway’. She chose to move out and go off on her own… until she comes back, apologizes and sets things right, she shouldn’t be receiving any support. Eventually she will realize she made a mistake, but she is at a key juncture in her life which can result in her having a decent life with a degree or one that is possibly really tough with no education. She is probably too immature or stubborn to realize it, which is why I think it would be bad if the OP prevented her from going to school or left it up to her to fend for herself, because clearly she is not capable of that at this time in her life.

They have to decide what is more important to them. Our financial help, or the choices they want to make that go against us. If they choose the latter, we still love them, and they are welcome to Sunday dinner, but they pay their own bills. Seems simple, and uncontroversial, to me.

Maybe I just come from a cold, heartless, cruel family.

I know what you are saying and feel they shouldn’t pay for her education unless things change drastically, but I generally take the approach of trying to communicate and work through the problem as best as possible (maybe that has been done to the fullest extent here). I feel like cutting off the daughter entirely should be an absolute last resort and it may give her a reality check and maybe she’ll come around, or maybe she will downward spiral further. It is a risky situation.

Whatever the decision is to move forward… the OP and his wife need to be on the same page and can’t undermine or contradict one another.

 

[Cathhsmom]

Thank you for this thread. As the mother of 4 kids, I try to talk to my kids about what I expect and will or will not put up with. It is through experiences by others like yourself that I have had good talks with my kids. I am trying to forewarn my kids, oldest is 12, about these issues. This will be a good conversation to have with them. I am on the same page as the OP. IF you decide to runaway from home at 19, then you are an adult. Just as I can not legally require you to come home, I will not be legally required to support you. It will be their choice. I will still love them. But, they will know that I will not support a lifestyle that I think is wrong and immoral. If they want to come home and mend their ways, then we can help them out. But, not until they change how they are acting and treating us.