Desolate and alone

[Trishie]

It would seem possible that your anger and irritation may have evaporated because you have a clearer view of things now…honesty with self and situation…and you are no longer alone with that part of yourself that has been aware of injustice. You have found brothers and sisters here in CAF.

I guessed at how entwined the situation could be. There are, of course, more things you are aware that need to faced and dealt with, but that is no doubt a process.
You’ve never let go of your personal attachment to W, and so I guess you have to deal with things in the light of charity, good sense, and the commandments, and only you can work that out in whatever is the healthiest and moral way. May God’s will be done.

W appears to also need to do a reality check also. God grant that she will have the honesty, charity, justice and courage to do so. May God bless her, her husband and their children and give them all the graces they need to live as God desires.

Anyway, thanks for keeping us informed, Chipeto
God bless you in the coming week.
…Trishie

 

[reindeer]

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women and
blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am making a one-week status report. There have been significant changes in me. The anger and irritation that I have carried everywhere with me for so long has simply evaporated. I haven’t uttered one word of criticism in this house for two weeks. I sometimes feel very lighthearted and affectionate, as if color has suddenly come back into the world, and my relationships with the teenagers have improved markedly, almost overnight. I pray frequently and thank God for this mercy He has given me. W and I are amiable, and chat frequently, though never about anything serious.

Other times I still feel very sad and anxious. Like tonight, when W is out with friends, only I and one of the teenagers are home, and the only sound is the clicking of my keyboard. I used to hate all of the racket in this house (they are a rowdy bunch). Now I thirst for it. Now I crave it because it means that they are here with me. W has gone to see a band play and will likely be very late. I doubt if I will be able to fall asleep until I hear her come in. (EDIT: As I typed this, she unexpectedly came home early due to fatigue. I am disturbed to say that I immediately felt ecstatic. So did the dog.)

Now, some of you are probably thinking: “Ummm, Chipeto? Perhaps you should be more concerned with extricating yourself from this thoroughly confused relationship, and putting an end to this dependency.” I hear you. Still working on that.

I am so glad to hear this report! I remember something that happened to me one very ordinary day…God took away my resentment of my sister which had been a part of my life for probably 20+ years. When He removes something, it’s GONE! I prodded around in my psyche, trying to dredge something up but to no avail! I wasn’t even praying for relief, He just granted it to me.

You will do what you can, when you can. The seeds have been planted - you know that this relationship cannot be maintained as it is, and your situation is very complicated, so take it one step at a time. Considering ways out such as you mentioned earlier, is part of the healthy process of separation and imagining yourself in a different life.

Please continue to give us updates, and I will pray for you also.

 

[Jesus_123]

+Chipeto . . . in all charity and peace . . .

You . . . right now . . . know that you need to cancel that credit card . . . immediately . . . to stop her self-indulgence and this disrespect and financial abuse of you as a person . . . it’s not healthy for her or for you . . . NOW . . . is the time to deal with this particular infraction . . . stand up . . . **God **will give the grace to do that which is . . . right . . . and deal with this situation . . . and tell/notify her . . . after . . . you personally have taken your responsibility in this . . . delinquency situation . . . to firmly cancel the card . . . *share that it is no longer available for charges . . . *by beginning at this point of your-self-indulgent-giving-and-their-self-indulgent-taking-&-abusive-disrespect of you as a person . . . you can begin positive strengthening your . . . “no more abuse” . . . spiritual and mental resolution muscles regarding the breaking of the . . . years-of habit-pattern . . . of accepting and the making of . . . wrong-self-indulgent . . . choices . . . on both your parts . . . don’t continue to . . . play . . . passive victim Chipeto . . . begin to take charge of your own life and personal affairs in this disordered relationship . . . take this first step forward . . .

And you need to make a plan . . . and set a definite date . . . *perhaps for when your lease is up (?) *. . . or sooner if at all possible . . . for when you will be closing up shop as as this . . . borrowed family’s . . . provider and for moving out . . . leaving H & W to fend for themselves and their family . . . and you need to kindly . . . but firmly with resolution for the good of all . . . share your specific plan with W so that she can plan her normal life apart from yours and your highly irregular and disordered relationship together . . . figuring out who gets what furniture, kitchen ware, household goods, etc., needs to be dealt with . . . cancelling insurance on any vehicles not yours specifically . . . gathering together boxes for yourself to pack up your personal possessions . . . etc. . . . needs to be accomplished . . . and when you find your own place . . . setting the date to cancel all household maintenance expenses . . .

• electric bill
• gas bill
• telephone
• water bill
• sanitation bill
• satellite television
• netflix
• pest control

W needs to become aware of . . . **and face up to **. . . her individual adult responsibility . . . in this situation . . . (she needs to be allowed to grow up!) . . . there are abundant food stamps and excellent medical aid programs for children for family’s with kids in limited income homes . . . there are federal housing programs for families with limited incomes . . . there are welfare programs of all sorts available to help a separated/divorced mother raising children . . . she needs to contact the Family Service division of your state for help and to become aware of all her options . . . and consult a lawyer regarding appropriate legal child support and spousal support demands for her husband to meet . . . *and the state will . . . absolutely . . . take over enforcement if he doesn’t meet his responsibilities *. . . for her children and herself . . . there is a whole web of support systems available for a woman in her situation . . . but you need to alert and allow her to prepare and pursue these channels for her children and herself . . . and she will in all likelyhood need to find a job appropriate to her skills and talents . . . at least for the hours during which her children are in school . . .

God is allowing you a prayerful grace period right now to get your life settled around . . . but . . .*** be careful ***. . . not to provoke Him by ***passively ***. . . ***of your own free will ***. . . remaining in the disordered unnatural life situation you have shared us by not taking steps for remedying it for the good of all involved . . .

*God bless . . . you all are in my prayers . . . *

*In dedication to the Triumph of the Immaculate Heart of Mary . . . *

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank You Lord+​

 

[Jesus_123]

"For me prayer is a surge of the heart, it is a simple look towards Heaven,
it is a cry of recognition and of love, embracing both trial and joy."

• Saint Therese of Lisieux
  The
  Our
  Father

Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
**+ Thy Will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven. + **
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
- Jesus

Link: ewtn.com/Devotionals/prayers/pater2.htm

* The Hail Mary

Hail Mary . . . full of grace . . . the Lord is with thee . . . blessed art thou among women . . . and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb . . . Jesus . . . Holy Mary . . . Mother of God . . . pray for us sinners . . . now and at the hour of our death . . . Amen . . .

:bible1: Psalms 31:5
I have acknowledged my sin to thee, and my injustice I have not concealed. I said I will confess against myself my injustice to the Lord: and thou hast forgiven the wickedness of my sin.​

. . . all for Jesus​

+
. . . thank You Dear Jesus, Saviour of our souls+
. . . thank you Blessed Virgin Mary our Mother+
. . . thank you Holy Mother Church+
​

*

 

[Kindness]

Chipeto, I am very moved by your situation. I want to encourage you to pray for hope. There should be no reason why once with counseling and support you cannot move on to a new era in your life where you will have your own devoted life partner and your own children. 40 is not old! I’m 42 soon to be 43 and there’s plenty of life in me yet! It will not be long before the older children will be adults and moving on with their own lives, hopefully you can stay in contact and be friends.

This situation is so difficult because it seems that your (natural) affection for the children (and maybe their mother) has created a pattern where you can be emotionally manipulated. As hard as it may be you must trust that God will look after this family. It seems obvious from all your care for them that you would be a wonderful husband and father. You clearly need to examine how you allowed this situation to evolve and why you stayed all this time. W seems very unreasonable to blame her H for his shortfalls when having a financial sugar-daddy in the house has obviously not allowed their marriage to develop normally. (What is your profession/job that you can support everyone this way?)

You can find outlets for your caring nature in service to your local parish such as St. Vincent De Paul (ask your parish priest). You also need to make space in your life and heart for new male and female friendships so that you can get emotional support and care and have fun as a single man. Hopefully the local Catholic archdiocese has some groups you could join. Just take baby steps, one step at a time in the right direction. Do what you can to care for yourself and be thankful that you are able to change. I have a couple of male friends who married in their 40s (for the first time for them and their wives) and are happy and have kids.

Do you ever go out, do you have a social life?

 

[chipeto]

You . . . right now . . . know that you need to cancel that credit card . . . immediately . . .

I’m afraid I don’t see that. If she didn’t have the card, I would be giving her cash. She is using this to pay her and the children’s expenses, though I admit she could be more frugal. She gives me the receipts, so I know what she is buying (with the card, at least). She is not the best with money, and it’s my fault for ensuring that she didn’t have to be. That being said, I couldn’t justify to myself such an abrupt action. The kids do need food and clothes. I know that this must cease to be my responsibility, but we can’t make that transition overnight.

And you need to make a plan . . . and set a definite date . . . perhaps for when your lease is up (?) . . . or sooner if at all possible . . . for when you will be closing up shop as as this . . . borrowed family’s . . . provider and for moving out

The lease has just recently renewed and will be valid for another year. I am prepared for this process to take that long, if need be. I know, but it may take time to sort out the money aspect, and I won’t be able to live with a solution which relegates them to a hand-to-mouth existence. The children are also dealing with the absence of their father, which is very hard for them right now.

. . . and when you find your own place . . . setting the date to cancel all household maintenance expenses . . .

If we stay together until the lease expires, then we would both be moving to new homes. She could never afford this place, and I have no use for a house this size. If she leaves before then…so be it, but the thought of living alone in this huge cavernous house, haunted by memories of them, is a nightmare. God help me.

. . . there are abundant food stamps and excellent medical aid programs for children for family’s with kids in limited income homes . . . there are federal housing programs for families with limited incomes . . . there are welfare programs of all sorts available to help a separated/divorced mother raising children . . . she needs to contact the Family Service division of your state for help and to become aware of all her options

She has started receiving food stamps, and several of the children are covered by the state medical insurance program. Over the years she has become something of an expert on the subject of state assistance, so it’s something we’ll have to talk about.

. . . and she will in all likelyhood need to find a job appropriate to her skills and talents . . . at least for the hours during which her children are in school . . .

The youngest is not yet in school. She has serious health problems (hypersomnia with narcolepsy, fibromyalgia) which would prevent her from working, but is not receiving disability benefits. She has delayed filing for them while waiting for more medical tests, as her doctor suspects she has MS. And it can take years to get approved for disability benefits.

God is allowing you a prayerful grace period right now to get your life settled around . . . but . . .*** be careful ***. . . not to provoke Him by ***passively ***. . . ***of your own free will ***. . . remaining in the disordered unnatural life situation you have shared us by not taking steps for remedying it for the good of all involved . . .

I understand.

 

[chipeto]

What is your profession/job that you can support everyone this way?

I’m a software engineer who gets paid more than he should. It helps that my own needs are quite modest.

Do you ever go out, do you have a social life?

No, I don’t. I’ve always been a bit of an introvert, but I used to have friends. Once I became involved with my current “family”, those other friendships just withered away.

 

[CEM5]

I’m afraid I don’t see that. If she didn’t have the card, I would be giving her cash. She is using this to pay her and the children’s expenses, though I admit she could be more frugal. She gives me the receipts, so I know what she is buying (with the card, at least). She is not the best with money, and it’s my fault for ensuring that she didn’t have to be. That being said, I couldn’t justify to myself such an abrupt action. The kids do need food and clothes. I know that this must cease to be my responsibility, but we can’t make that transition overnight.

The lease has just recently renewed and will be valid for another year. I am prepared for this process to take that long, if need be. I know, but it may take time to sort out the money aspect, and I won’t be able to live with a solution which relegates them to a hand-to-mouth existence. The children are also dealing with the absence of their father, which is very hard for them right now.

If we stay together until the lease expires, then we would both be moving to new homes. She could never afford this place, and I have no use for a house this size. If she leaves before then…so be it, but the thought of living alone in this huge cavernous house, haunted by memories of them, is a nightmare. God help me.

She has started receiving food stamps, and several of the children are covered by the state medical insurance program. Over the years she has become something of an expert on the subject of state assistance, so it’s something we’ll have to talk about.

The youngest is not yet in school. She has serious health problems (hypersomnia with narcolepsy, fibromyalgia) which would prevent her from working, but is not receiving disability benefits. She has delayed filing for them while waiting for more medical tests, as her doctor suspects she has MS. And it can take years to get approved for disability benefits.

I understand.

hello Chipeto,

the advice regarding not letting her have free access to the credit card is a valid one.

She doesn’t need to have this access. She is not your wife, or even your lover. She is a friend who (in my opinion) takes unfair advantage of your generous spirit.

What I would suggest is that you do not give her access to the card, and that you can buy the food and necessities of life yourself for this family. I understand it would be drastic and hurt the children to cut them off completely (I know I couldn’t do it either – children are to be provided for; they are the innocent “victims”).

You are a dear, generous and kind hearted man, and helping this family is wondeful, but not to the extent where this woman is taking advantage of you. I feel she does not need any “extras” to be provided for her – her husband can do that with support payments. No extras, period! Just the basics of life so she doesn’t go hungry or homless. But clothes - she can get those from charity or second hand stores. Entertainment - if she doesn’t have her own money, then she is to stay at home or get a job. If she can go out at night and gallavant with others, then she is quite capable of getting some type of part time job instead.

blessings,
CEM

 

[joanofarc2008]

Chipeto while you are being kind - your kindness is killing her. As long as she can take advantage of you she does not need to change her behaviors or fend for herself. Therefore you are hurting her more than you are helping her. You need to help her find her way down to her own bottom. If she cannot take care of herself and her children than her children are better suited with their father who probably will find a way. Here is the cold hard reality no one will contribute anything until you STOP.

 

[edithsteinrocks]

Chipeto, I continue to pray for you. Thank you for keeping us posted. It would be great if you kept on doing it.

I agree with what the other posters have said about your need to get out of this unhealthy situation. I realize it’s often easier said than done. We all have run into situations at some point or another where we knew that whatever changes we made in our lives would likely create upheaval for someone.

You’re a software engineer, so obviously you are intelligent. Judging from your posts and replies to the points others have made, you are perfectly aware of what the issues are, why they are unhealthy and how the situation has to change. You address problems in as logical a fashion as you can, analyzing everything, bringing up counterarguments and then making the soundest judgement based on the conclusions you have drawn from your observations. You’re likely very methodical and not prone to acting on impulse.

You’re also way too kind and way too soft-hearted, but I’m sure you are also aware of that. I hope, I really hope that you will find the courage soon to be half as kind to yourself as you have been with the other players in this scenario. Jesus told us to love our neighbours as ourselves, not more than ourselves.

But I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.

Hang in there. Be strong. Be tough. Sometimes tough love is the only medicine that works.

 

[NiceMimi]

Chip, it is good to hear that a peace has settled over your home. I understand that this woman and her children have become part of your life, and your plan to separate from them is a challenging but worthy one. For your sake, her sake, and especially her children’s sakes. She needs to put her arms around this situatuion and take care of herself and her children.

I trust in God that your separation from this woman and her children will come with due time. You are 40, and still quite young. You clearly have a good income and are a kind man. Something was mentioned about therapy. If you are not currently under therapy, I suggest you consider it. There is no reason why in this day and age, an excellent bachelor as yourself would not be out and about meeting ladies for possible future marriage and children. Sometimes, miracles are performed via the medical establishment. So, again, if you are not in therapy, please consider it. In the interim, I will continue to pray for you. You really do deserve better!

My dear young man, you may even want to consider moving to another state, and informing her that she and her children will NOT be joining you. Remove yourself from this situation. I trust in God you will be able to do it without an financial repercussions to yourself. Also, please see a lawyer…

Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for helping this young man, who is all of 40, and has taken on the earthly burden of helping this woman and her children. Lord, I trust that this is not the plan that you have for this young man. Lord, I trust that You have far greater and far reaching plans for this young man ------ a happy wife, happy children that he will call his own and a far happier and blessed home life. Lord, please let him know that he does indeed deserve better. Amen.

 

[chipeto]

I had a talk with her last night about money. I asked some questions about her income, and showed her the figures for what she has been spending on the credit card. I mentioned that I would like her to stop spending on the card, and start working within a budget, and I offered to help her get started. She was open to all of this, mentioning that it was difficult for her to manage money because for so many years her husband had handled the finances.

I told her that the goal was for her to be more independent, that this would be healthier for her.

I know that this is the tiniest of steps. I am seeing a counselor for the first time this evening.

 

[Trishie]

Well done, chipeto!

 

[chipeto]

I saw the Catholic Charities counselor this evening. He was very affable, listened, asked questions, etc. We scheduled another meeting in one week, but frankly I’m not sure what it will accomplish.

Just at the moment I wish I didn’t care so much for W’s opinion of me. I think I’m just an acquaintance to her. I don’t think she really cares about me at all, or ever will. I think that, once we separate, she’ll never even think about me unless she needs something. I just wish that I didn’t care.

I’m really not begging for consolation, I just needed to say that.

 

[Jesus_123]

+Hi Chipeto . . .

One step at a time . . . in the right direction . . . as we seek to find and open God’s wholesome pathways for walking . . . is all any of us can do in life Chipeto . . . talking to W re the credit card is an excellent step . . . and individual counselor’s vary as to depth and effectiveness . . . give this one a chance to reflect on your situation and work with you a bit more . . . keeping your eye on the goal . . . I hope he prayed with you . . . these steps . . . all . . . will help strengthen your spiritual muscles as you work toward your goal of a healthier life . . . and draw closer to our **Wonderful Lord **. . .

God bless . . . and remember God loves you . . . *beyond measure . . . *

*In dedication to the triumph of the Immaculate Heart . . . *

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank You Sweet Spirit of our Holy God+
. . . Blessed Virgin Mary our Mother+
. . . please pray for this one so beloved of our Heavenly Father+​

 

[joanofarc2008]

Chipeto - counseling takes time and you will need to give it that. You did not get yourself into the situation overnight and you will not be able to mentally work yourself out of it in a few appointments. I know this may not be what you want to hear but just remember this and keep putting one foot in front of the toher. You appear to be making headway.

 

[NiceMimi]

I must say a big BRAVO to you my dear Chip. You are most certainly taking all the steps necessary to extricate yourself from this situation. I do understand that you have feelings for this woman, and I am glad that you are recognizing that fact. You are being honest with yourself, and at the same time you acknowledging that the situation is not a healthy one. I do know of someone who once was very much in love with a girl. He let her go because the situation was not a healthy one. It pained him very much. With time, a beautiful gal came along that knocked his socks off. They were married, and now live happily with their children. Had he not let the former female friend go, he would not have met his wife. As for the Catholic Charities counselor who is helping you, I would say that you have to give it time. The best thing is that he is listening. Just remember this: sometimes you have to let go of something that pains you to receive the gifts God has in store for you. It is most certainly time to let this woman and her family go…

 

[NiceMimi]

Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for moving Your hands over Chip and his situation, and for continuing to bless him. Amen.

 

[chipeto]

I had been planning to wait for some time before telling W all that is on my mind, but a moment came tonight when I just couldn’t stand it anymore. So we sat in the living room and I just laid it all out. I was shaking and obviously upset and she looked very apprehensive at first. Once she understood what I was getting at she essentially agreed with everything. In two hours of talk, we didn’t disagree about a single thing. She explained that she has long felt resentment about being trapped in this dependency. She said that for a long time she was willing to live this way in order to give her children a good standard of living, but she has come to see that it wasn’t necessarily worth it or justifiable. While I do question her memories of some early events, I was so relieved that we could discuss this without rancor. She even cried a little, which is not at all like her.

I know that we still have a lot of hard work to do, but I never expected it to start so well, thanks be to God. She is scared but hopeful, as am I.

I also know now that I love her, may always love her; even though we can’t be together, shouldn’t be together, and wouldn’t want to be together. My love has never been a reasonable thing. But I think that I can accept this suffering, and grow from it.