Desolate and alone

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Yes, I’m sorry about that, I was really in a funk when I wrote it. It’s just that I have these dark moments. Maybe I do need therapy; I will give some thought to it. On top of my relationship problems, I am trying to find my way to God. It’s all new terrain for me.

I just need more faith, I guess. Thanks for the kind words.
 
chipeto said:
Yes, I’m sorry about that, I was really in a funk when I wrote it. It’s just that I have these dark moments. Maybe I do need therapy; I will give some thought to it. On top of my relationship problems, I am trying to find my way to God. It’s all new terrain for me.

I just need more faith, I guess. Thanks for the kind words.
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That’s totally OK. I’ve battled depression on and off and know how one night you can be in a foul mood and feeling a bit hopeful the next day. Therapy is a blessing for me.
 
Heavenly Father, I lift up Chip to You Lord. In faith, I thank You for giving Chip the vision that he needs to move forward towards the plans that You have in store for him. Lord Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Please help see this. Thank You Father for helping him.
 
I got fed up. About a week ago I sat W down and showed her that she is still spending more than $1000/month on my credit card. She was surprised; she thought it was far less than that. That $1000 is not peanuts to me; I have had to stop the payroll contributions to my retirement fund because of these expenses, and I told her that.

So I set up personal finance software on her computer, showed her how to use it, and she really took to it at first, spending some hours categorizing her expenses from her receipts. Then, on Saturday, she drove out to a remote town to spend the day with her boyfriend (I have no idea what he was doing way out there). On Sunday, after church, she drove out there again. I calculated it: that is $50 worth of gas, which she will just charge to my card. It made me angry to think that I am paying for her to carry on with this guy. I cheered myself up while she was gone by taking her two daughters to the mall and buying them clothes and feeding them, which made all three of us happy. 🙂

This evening I explained to W that, as I see it, she should be able to cover her expenses with the $1500/month tax-free income she has, considering that she has no monthly bills to pay, but only has to buy food, gas, clothes, cigarettes (yeah, I know, and they’re terribly expensive), etc. I asked her not to use the credit card anymore except for emergencies, unless she could show me that she really does need more than that. Her face betrayed no expression; she merely said ‘OK’. She has the best poker face I’ve ever encountered, without a doubt. I would have expected more of a response from someone who’s been informed that she will have to cut her expenses by $1000/month. Or perhaps she thinks that she will be able to persuade me that she needs the extra money.

She finished her dinner, went outside, and talked on the phone, presumably to her boyfriend, for a long time. When I opened the door briefly to let the dog out I heard her talking about the finance software. I felt very sad for some reason, so I took a few of the kids out for ice cream. 🙂

Thanks for your continued prayers. Hope is something I don’t have a lot of. Usually, it feels more like a death march, where I soldier on because the alternative is to give up and lay down in the dirt. But we must march on…
 
Chip, I will continue praying for you. I trust that God is leading you on your course as you work your way towards God’s goals for you.

Heavenly Father, thank You for continuing to guide and walk every step of the way with Chip. Father, I trust that You have the greatest of great plans for our dear Chip. Amen.
 
Heavenly Father, I lift up Chip to You Lord. In faith, I thank You for giving Chip the vision that he needs to move forward towards the plans that You have in store for him. Lord Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Please help see this. Thank You Father for helping him.
 
Heavenly Father, I lift up Chip to You Lord. In faith, I thank You for giving Chip the vision that he needs to move forward towards the plans that You have in store for him. Lord Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Please help see this. Thank You Father for helping him.
 
Heavenly Father, I lift up Chip to You Lord. In faith, I thank You for giving Chip the vision that he needs to move forward towards the plans that You have in store for him. Lord Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Please help see this. Thank You Father for helping him.
 
Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for caring for our dear Chip, and for walking with him every step of the way on his journey with You. Lord, thank You for bringing a peaceful and blessed life to him. Amen.
 
Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for caring for our dear Chip, and for walking with him every step of the way on his journey with You. Lord, thank You for bringing a peaceful and blessed life to him. Amen.
 
Chip, I read your post on the other prayer line, and I trust that things will go well with you. Keep the faith. God is good, and He is guiding you to your path of happiness. God bless!

Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for caring for our dear Chip, and for walking with him every step of the way on his journey with You. Lord, thank You for bringing a peaceful and blessed life to him. Amen.
 
Thank you, Mimi. There haven’t been any developments lately. I just keep praying, seeking, and hoping. Thank you for continuing to pray for me.
 
You are welcome Chip. God bless you!

Heavenly Father, in faith, I thank You for caring for our dear Chip, and for walking with him every step of the way on his journey with You. Lord, thank You for bringing a peaceful and blessed life to him. Amen.
 
I guess I shouldn’t have said that there have been no developments. On the positive side, I no longer have any real desire to know what W is ‘up to’, nor do I feel any jealousy, I think. On the other hand, I am really tired of the lies and deception concerning her affair.

I have known her for 22 years and lived with her for the last 14, and her lies, evasions, and cover stories just seem so obvious and pathetic to me. I really wish that I didn’t know her so well. I even hate the fact that I represent a reason for her to lie.

Case in point: this evening. She announces that she will be going to see her girlfriend. I can immediately tell, from her reticence, that she is not telling the truth (of course I say nothing). She gets upset when she finds out that her teenage son will be at home this weekend; she had thought that all of the kids would be spending the weekend with their father, who is picking them up tonight. Her son asks her if she can take him somewhere early tomorrow morning, and she is forced to divulge that she cannot because she is not coming home tonight. Oh, she’s spending the night with a friend all right, but not a female one.

As her husband was leaving with the kids he made a comment which made it perfectly clear to me and to her that he does not believe her silly story and probably knows exactly what she is really going to be doing. She responded by making an ugly face and an obscene gesture, which her son witnessed.

So, yes, I’m tired of this charade and want it to end, but on the other hand I don’t have any life that isn’t somehow connected to her. I wonder if this how many people feel who are going through a divorce.
 
yes, you are going through a form of grief of which there are stages.
I’ve read your posts and if you want, here are a few points.

There is no shame in getting counseling, it is a sign of intelligence. Counseling, or therapy is simply a conversation to help you clear and calm your mind. If you can find inexpensive therapy i really think that you should continue with it.

You have done nothing wrong and continue to do nothing wrong. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are seen by the family as a generous uncle, although your feelings for this lady are more complicated than that. It’s time to back away from this arrangement and to build a new life. You know this.

I’m glad that you are investigating the Catholic faith but don’t get so serious about religion, it’s not going anywhere and neither are you. It’s the Good News that you are meant to enjoy. Enjoy the experience, you don’t have to join the most serious branch of the church right away.

Getting yourself into this situation, being financially exploited, the pain of trying to extricate yourself emotionally from the family, all of these actions are by someone who has no self-esteem. You don’t have to start judging yourself or investigating why this is so. You simply have to acknowledge the low opinion you have of yourself and declare that this must change.

You change it by doing one thing. Loving yourself more. By being kind to yourself. This is the central teaching of Christianity and of other religions. KINDNESS. When you are thinking, speaking and acting with KINDNESS then the world becomes easier to live in, more beautiful, easier to breathe and participate it.
There’s no point in over thinking the present situation, the past or the future. All you need to do is protect yourself with true kindness. That means don’t beat yourself up. don’t be a doormat to others, no need to be angry with them but NO more money, you are not someone else’s ATM machine.
Soon you will be living in a new flat, still working, investigating subjects that interest you and dealing with others on YOUR terms. But please don’t get too defensive even though your emotions are raw from being badly used. If , for example, someone in your church makes a theological error or someone in work makes an IT error, ask yourself is it necessary to correct them, or if you have to , can you do it with humor and kindness.

kindness is the key. First to yourself and to others. It’s not something to be understood intellectually but instead to be experienced.

I hope that you get to see the kids that you have helped to raise but it’s out of your hands whether that will happen. You have to find ways not to Understand life but to enjoy it. Enjoy your own mind and life. The best way is to volunteer for a charity , initially in a minor, non confrontational, limited stress free role.

I see you eventually becoming central to a charitable organisation, you have a lot to give, but take your time, enjoy the road, don’t personalize every hurdle, don’t beat yourself up and take some time each day to be grateful that you are such a bloody generous and decent person. Take your time and if you can act from a kind and calm mind then those actions will lead you in the right direction.

As for absolute answers, you won’t go wrong with the direct words of Jesus the carpenter, taken directly from the New Testament. You don’t have to add on or complicate his words, just read them slowly and sincerely.

It will take a couple of years to recover from this situation, BE KIND TO YOURSELF!
 
Irish_passerby said:
no need to be angry with them but NO more money, you are not someone else’s ATM machine.
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Yes, when I wrote my last post I was angry, and I still am. She came home early this morning after spending the weekend in a hotel room with her BF, and she is, at this moment, upstairs getting dressed for church! I just wish that she would go away.

At least we are making some progress on the financial dependency, since she is no longer using my credit card. However, she is not really taking the initiative on this subject, either, and this annoys me to no end. I have to push for any change. She is just so irresponsible, and only wants to think about her trysts, or watching television, or Facebook.

What I wouldn’t give to have a woman in my life who is the complete opposite of her! Except, perhaps, for the exterior. She is very attractive. 🙂
The best way is to volunteer for a charity , initially in a minor, non confrontational, limited stress free role.
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Do you know, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I need to become involved in service, and I know that I spend too much time thinking about my own problems. I feel like I’ve been so selfish and needy. Perhaps, when I am free of my present entanglements, it will be time for my life to go in a radically different direction from my present course. But that will be ten or more months away, most likely.

Speaking of kindness, thanks for showing so much to me.
 
chipeto said:
I guess I shouldn’t have said that there have been no developments. On the positive side, I no longer have any real desire to know what W is ‘up to’, nor do I feel any jealousy, I think. On the other hand, I am really tired of the lies and deception concerning her affair.

I have known her for 22 years and lived with her for the last 14, and her lies, evasions, and cover stories just seem so obvious and pathetic to me. I really wish that I didn’t know her so well. I even hate the fact that I represent a reason for her to lie.

Case in point: this evening. She announces that she will be going to see her girlfriend. I can immediately tell, from her reticence, that she is not telling the truth (of course I say nothing). She gets upset when she finds out that her teenage son will be at home this weekend; she had thought that all of the kids would be spending the weekend with their father, who is picking them up tonight. Her son asks her if she can take him somewhere early tomorrow morning, and she is forced to divulge that she cannot because she is not coming home tonight. Oh, she’s spending the night with a friend all right, but not a female one.

As her husband was leaving with the kids he made a comment which made it perfectly clear to me and to her that he does not believe her silly story and probably knows exactly what she is really going to be doing. She responded by making an ugly face and an obscene gesture, which her son witnessed.

So, yes, I’m tired of this charade and want it to end, but on the other hand I don’t have any life that isn’t somehow connected to her. I wonder if this how many people feel who are going through a divorce.
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Hello Chip. I have to disagree with you about that there have been no developments. There HAVE been developments in your life ------- and wonderful ones at that! You may not see it, but I think that everyone else who is tuning in, does see developments. You are breaking away from this situation, and you are moving forward in your life. That you have no desire to know what she is up to, and that you recognize that you are already tired of her lies and deceptions says A LOT!!

You mentioned that she is beautiful, and I was reminded of Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

Chip I remember that you said that you had set up goals, and it is clear that you are making progress. I don’t remember if I mentioned this in the past, but Norman Vincent Peale has a book out called “Postive Imaging: The Powerful Way To Change Your Life” It is an amazing book, and you may want to read it.

God bless you!

Heavenly Father, thank You for continuing to bless Chip with wonderful insight and with the strength to start moving away from this situation. Lord, thank You For blessing Chip with good advice from the wonderful people here on this website. Thank You Lord for walking with Chip every step of the way, and for showering him with the blessings that he so richly deserves. Father, I trust that you will continue walking with Chip now, and always. Amen.
 
Chip I trust all is well! God bless you!

Heavenly Father, thank You for continuing to bless Chip with wonderful insight and with the strength to start moving away from this situation. Lord, thank You For blessing Chip with good advice from the wonderful people here on this website. Thank You Lord for walking with Chip every step of the way, and for showering him with the blessings that he so richly deserves. Father, I trust that you will continue walking with Chip now, and always. Amen.
 
Hi Mimi, nothing has really changed lately, thanks for asking.

I do my work, I pay the bills, I play with and talk to the kids, I smile, I joke and make people laugh, and…I am desolate. In my mind’s eye, the future stretches out before me like a wasteland. I see nothing that might give me a glimmer of hope, nothing to look forward to. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I seem to myself to be a blind man, unable to see any beauty in the world, even though I know it’s there.

I obsess over my loneliness. I wish that I didn’t. It’s embarrassing to admit and I feel very foolish that I can’t seem to think about much besides marriage.

Thanks for your prayers
 
chipeto said:
Hi Mimi, nothing has really changed lately, thanks for asking.

I do my work, I pay the bills, I play with and talk to the kids, I smile, I joke and make people laugh, and…I am desolate. In my mind’s eye, the future stretches out before me like a wasteland. I see nothing that might give me a glimmer of hope, nothing to look forward to. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I seem to myself to be a blind man, unable to see any beauty in the world, even though I know it’s there.

I obsess over my loneliness. I wish that I didn’t. It’s embarrassing to admit and I feel very foolish that I can’t seem to think about much besides marriage.

Thanks for your prayers
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Hi Chip!

It seems to me that you may be depressed. Have you thought of seeing a doctor about your situation? I think that marriage will come to you when you least expect it. Lately, when I think about my son, I have to remind myself that Rome was not built in a day. I just keep myself busy, and also remind myself that every goal is achieved one step at a time. Also, I like to read books that give me hope. Ultimately, we know that when it comes to our son, God will do things in His own perfect timing, and so we just keep moving forward, and having faith in God. Sometimes, when things get really bad, I just visualize myself walking up to God’s great feet, and leaving my problems at His Great Feet.

I trust all will go well with you! God bless you!

Heavenly Father, thank You for continuing to bless Chip with wonderful insight and with the strength to start moving away from this situation. Lord, thank You For blessing Chip with good advice from the wonderful people here on this website. Thank You Lord for walking with Chip every step of the way, and for showering him with the blessings that he so richly deserves. Father, I trust that you will continue walking with Chip now, and always. Amen.
 
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