Desolate and alone

[chipeto]

No, on second thought I won’t ask her to come to the counseling, that is just going to seem weak or manipulative. I did send an email to her brother, who is a priest and a compassionate man, asking him to pray for me. He was, in his own words, ‘crushed’ by the news, and he will talk to her on Friday (he’s terribly busy) to see what is in her heart.

The more I think about this, the less likely it seems to me that she will change her mind. I think that she has simply concluded, now that the ‘honeymoon’ phase of our dating has expired and she sees me in the clear light of day, that I am not the man she needs. That I have weaknesses that are more than she wants to cope with. It’s in God’s hands now.

 

[NiceMimi]

Hi Chip! You have a very good head on your shoulders. You have thought everything out very well, and I agree with your approach. I also think that moving out on your own is an excellent step in the right direction. You may want to get involved in some community activities. I think it will help you to help others during this amazing transition period. I am sitting here wondering what God has up his sleeve for you. You mentioned being a Job, and as someone who is very familiar with Job’s story, I remember how God blessed him many times over after all of Job’s trials and tribulations. I trust that this is what is in the works for you.

Heavenly Father, You have brought Chip to this amazing stage of his life. Thank You Father for bringing so many wonderful events into Chip’s life. Thank You Father for helping Chip move boldly into the wonderful future you have in store for him. Thank You Father for continuing to bless Chip with excellent people in his life. Thank You Father for guiding Chip into that life that he has always dreamed of! Amen!

 

[chipeto]

She sent me an email last night. It was very kind and gentle, just as she is. She wanted to make sure that I was OK, and to let me know that I have been in her thoughts and prayers continually. She is very sorry that the dream we had didn’t work out. She assures me that it is not easy to get over me, and that her family is sad for both of us. But she knows that God has a plan, so she asks me to keep strong at it. She doesn’t want to make things worse, but I should know that I can contact her if I want.

 

[Trishie]

May God give you the strength you need, and the wise direction.

 

[chipeto]

Thank you so much. She and I have exchanged some emails today. She encourages me, saying that I have a bright future ahead of me, that I will make friends, minister to others, and find a woman who will love me with all of her heart. She tells me to hold onto the dreams in my heart because they are there for a reason - because God wants them for me. She thanks me for restoring her esteem by loving her completely for who she is, something she never had before in a serious relationship. This is not the first time that she has said this, and I do know that she has grown during the time we were together. In the beginning she was more hesitant and timid, now she seems free and vibrant. I am indeed grateful that I was able to help her grow, even if it means that she grew beyond me.

I also have gained. I have been able to participate in something so beautiful that it smites my heart. I would not undo it even if I could. I would have done some things differently, but I did not have the wisdom or the strength to act differently at that time. It did not last, but I must trust in God to take care of me and comfort me in His own time. And I must carry on. I must go forward into…I don’t know what, but I must go forward. God help me.

A little while ago I was backing a car out of the garage, and it ran over a large canister of motor oil. The canister exploded, sending oil over the side of the car, onto another car in the driveway, onto the side of the garage, all over tools, boxes, etc. I was already having trouble breathing because of my heavy heart, and I thought, ‘God, I can’t do this, not now’. But I had do it, because no one else was going to clean up the mess, so I did, trying to thank God for it all the while. And tomorrow I will have to return to work, and somehow carry on there, while trying to keep breathing. I am going to see our counselor on Wednesday.

My family, who are praying for me and sharing in my pain, have asked me to move near them, on the other side of the country. I am considering it. There isn’t any course of action that seems attractive to me, at this point.

My prayer right now is that God open my heart to be a friend to all those I meet. This is selfish, because I need friends so badly myself, but it the best that I can manage. I ask Him to open my eyes so that I can see just how beautiful life really is, more than I see my own privations. And I ask Him to give some meaning to my life.

 

[NiceMimi]

Chip, just from the sound of what you are saying, I can see that God is already blessing you. Moving to the other side of the country may be what God has in mind for you. I trust that you will make the right decision for you, and that your bright future as already started. God is just amazing! God bless you!

Heavenly Father, You have brought Chip to this amazing stage of his life. Thank You Father for bringing so many wonderful events into Chip’s life. Thank You Father for helping Chip move boldly into the wonderful future you have in store for him. Thank You Father for continuing to bless Chip with excellent people in his life. Thank You Father for guiding Chip into that life that he has always dreamed of! Amen!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am putting you to the front of my prayer list, Chip. Let the Holy Spirit fill your heart and mind.



All will be well.

 

[chevalier]

Thank you so much. She and I have exchanged some emails today. She encourages me, saying that I have a bright future ahead of me, that I will make friends, minister to others, and find a woman who will love me with all of her heart. She tells me to hold onto the dreams in my heart because they are there for a reason - because God wants them for me. She thanks me for restoring her esteem by loving her completely for who she is, something she never had before in a serious relationship. This is not the first time that she has said this, and I do know that she has grown during the time we were together. In the beginning she was more hesitant and timid, now she seems free and vibrant. I am indeed grateful that I was able to help her grow, even if it means that she grew beyond me.

Makes me wonder why she can’t be that woman whereof she speaks when she’s getting all those things right. But sometimes things just happen like that and for practical purposes they are inexplicable.

It’s a good thing you gave her what she says you did. If you’ve grown as a person during, that’s good as well. But it just might be that there isn’t going to be more. Sometimes you just don’t know why.

On the other hand, life can still be good and fulfilling.

 

[chipeto]

Makes me wonder why she can’t be that woman whereof she speaks when she’s getting all those things right. But sometimes things just happen like that and for practical purposes they are inexplicable.

It’s a good thing you gave her what she says you did. If you’ve grown as a person during, that’s good as well. But it just might be that there isn’t going to be more. Sometimes you just don’t know why.

On the other hand, life can still be good and fulfilling.

It’s because I can’t give her what she needs. In terms of spiritual compatibility and passion, we are an incredible match. Also in terms of values and dreams for the future. From the very beginning we had a ‘connection’; we always said that our hearts spoke to each other. And physically, she is attracted to me. But I am damaged and flawed in critical ways, which will come as no surprise to anyone who has read this thread from the beginning. I am lacking in certain aspects of masculinity which are crucial to making her feel complete, complemented, and secure as a woman: confidence and initiative.

I am aware of my shortcomings and will, with God’s help, rectify them. I will work tirelessly. But it is all too little, too late to save us.

She hasn’t said all of the above in just those words, but we have talked about some of it. She has stressed how she becomes anxious when I am hesitant, and how much she needs me to take the initiative. I could tell how disappointed she was that I was able to gain her daughter’s affection immediately, but had such a difficult time gaining her respect. I tried, believe me I tried, and I improved, but I am just not whole enough yet to be the man that she needs. Which is why she can still love and even cherish me…as a friend. To be fair, she tried hard too, to accept me as I was, but in the end I simply wasn’t enough to complete her, to make her feel safe.

It is very, very painful to admit this, even to myself.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Chipeto, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve read through this whole thread as I find your story to be very unique and compelling. You seem like a very generous man, and it was very kind of you to do so much for children that aren’t even your own. You really do deserve to go out and live your own life, but I can understand why it will be difficult for you to leave this woman, especially the children. However, I don’t think that you have to see it as a permanent goodbye. I’m sure the kids would still like for you to be a part of their life. Even if they don’t realize it now, I’m sure that someday they will understand how much you’ve done for them, and they should want to have a relationship with you. As for acting frustrated, I think that any reasonable person would have become upset with this situation at various times.

This might be off-the-mark, but do you have any desire to marry the mother of these children and make the family be legitimate? You must care deeply for her to have done so much throughout the years. It does seem like she has some less-than-savory issues though, and I would completely understand if you’re looking for someone else.

As for the recent breakup with your girlfriend, try not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds like your odd living situation made her reconsider things, so once you have it straightened out, perhaps you two can get back together, but if not, you can re-enter the dating scene without the baggage. I’m sure someone will appreciate your kindness. Keep looking. Also, I’m a young 22, but I still don’t think 40 is too old to start a new life. Keep going to the gym and working on your fitness as well. Exercise is such a mood lifter and confidence builder. Best of luck!

 

[chipeto]

No!

My ‘relationship’ with W is history; I will be moving out of here by the end of June.

Thanks for the encouragement, but I think it unlikely that anything short of a miracle will bring my ex and I back together. There is just more to it than my living situation. I’d love to be wrong, though, and I’d love a miracle!

 

[Et_Cetera]

No!

My ‘relationship’ with W is history; I will be moving out of here by the end of June.

Thanks for the encouragement, but I think it unlikely that anything short of a miracle will bring my ex and I back together. There is just more to it than my living situation. I’d love to be wrong, though, and I’d love a miracle!

Haha, yeah the more I think about it, you and W should probably be done. We’re all rooting for you, Chipeto! Take back the life you deserve–one step at a time.

 

[1inICXC]

Hi Chip,

Didn’t get to this earlier and I don’t know if what I have to add is of any worth but you were mentioning you could have done things differently but from the sounds of it she could have as well!

It is easy to spot lack of initiative and confidence, and with your history, it’s even to be expected…so I’m not sure why she allowed this relationship to get so intimate and to raise your hopes.

I think she lacked sincerity or, she is all of a sudden getting cold feet, since you are so close to making that final step to independence which she might fear will lead to you expecting more from her. I understand these are 2 flaws that might make her hesitate in making a commitment, but with your willingness to work on them, they shouldn’t be a reason to end a relationship that otherwise, has very solid foundations. I fear she’s holding out for some perfect man, which is ok, as long as she realizes she will only be with Him in the afterlife

I pray God leads you where you need to be!

 

[chipeto]

I understand these are 2 flaws that might make her hesitate in making a commitment, but with your willingness to work on them, they shouldn’t be a reason to end a relationship that otherwise, has very solid foundations. I fear she’s holding out for some perfect man, which is ok, as long as she realizes she will only be with Him in the afterlife

I would give everything I have for her (I will call her ‘C’) to see things this way. The counselor we had been seeing, whom I am now seeing alone, said essentially the same thing to me, and that she didn’t understand how C could overlook all of the goodness that we shared.

C thanked me, both while we were together and after we parted, for my ‘tremendous capacity’ to love her for who she is, for restoring her esteem to her. Why was it so hard to do the same for me?

Her brother, who is a priest, has told me he will call her today and then talk to me afterward. I have been praying that God will change her heart toward me.

 

[NiceMimi]

I agree with 1inICXC that “C” may be getting cold feet now that your move is getting closer. I wonder if she has a pattern of not being able to make a commitment. Something about her brother having to speak to her just strikes me as a bit out of place. Why does he have to speak to her? To convince her of what? That you are great. Yes, we know you are great, but if she doesn’t see that, then she has a problem.

Have you thought of going out on dates with other women? I know you are hurting, but seeing other women, may help you get over “C”. “C’s” brother may have the best of intentions, but (my two cents) I wouldn’t wait on his convincing her that you are the right one for her.

With the shortage of good men around, I can see you landing another nice gal and soon. My two cents. take it or leave it, if I were an eligible bachelor, I would forget about “C”, and start the dating circuit as soon as possible. You are at a prime age for marriage and kids. With your wonderful personality, your maturity, your conservative values, steady job and good income you will have women beating down your door. Especially once “W” is out of the picture.

BTW, all the so-called flaws that you mentioned before (" I am lacking in certain aspects of masculinity which are crucial to making her feel complete, complemented, and secure as a woman: confidence and initiative.") is not something that you can make a woman feel. A woman either has that inner sense of confidence and/or womanhood or she does not. No man can give that to a woman. Quite frankly, I think that she has the problem, not you.

So what you hesitate? Call me old fashioned, but sometimes, things are better thought through. I think far too many people make assumptions and/or rush into things that should have been better thought out.

You sound like a highly intelligent, thoughtful and wonderful man, and for every woman who says no to a man, there are 100 more desireable women on line ready to take up her space.

I think that there is nothing wrong with you, I think you’ve just been put through enough to have made you lose your confidence. I think you are making good advances in the confidence department, and you’ve made great strides.

Please start dating again. You deserve to be treated like the prince that you are.

Heavenly Father, You have brought Chip to this stage of his life. Thank You Father for helping Chip move boldly into the wonderful future you have in store for him. Thank You Father for continuing to bless Chip with excellent people in his life. Thank You Father for guiding Chip into that life that he has always dreamed of! Amen.

 

[Musician]

There are literally thousands of women who would love to have you for a husband.
Please stop thinking about this woman, who doesn’t deserve you.
There is a woman out there who is waiting just for you - get on the ball!

 

[chipeto]

Thanks so much for the encouragement.

Please stop thinking about this woman, who doesn’t deserve you.

One thing to bear in mind is that you see all of these events through my eyes, so naturally you are sympathetic to me. However, C is a good woman, an extraordinary woman even. She is so gentle, compassionate, and loving, yet also vivacious and strong. She is a great friend to others, and I have learned so much about friendship by being with her. She has problems, sure: she has been greatly hurt, and that has caused her to fear, and that fear has caused her to shut the door on something really beautiful.

Here I go, dwelling on her again!

Something about her brother having to speak to her just strikes me as a bit out of place. Why does he have to speak to her? To convince her of what? That you are great. Yes, we know you are great, but if she doesn’t see that, then she has a problem.

I did have a very slim hope that her mind would change after talking to him, but that was not the case. I talked to him afterward and he encouraged me, like the compassionate priest that he is, but he did not give me any false hopes. He expressed to her his disappointment, because he saw how great we were together, but he can only acknowledge the fears she has about being in another emotionally draining marriage. He suggested that she and I both need more healing of our pasts. I told him that I am praying that God will turn our relationship around. He said that that is not a bad prayer for me to pray right now, but that I needed to trust that God will turn all of this into a higher good, and that God knows and honors the sincerity of my heart. He suggested that C and I remain in contact as friends.

Indeed, she has remained in occasional contact. She sent me an email on Saturday, asking how I am. While I am tempted to gain hope for ‘us’ from the fact that she is contacting me, I don’t. I can hear in the ‘tone’ of her messages that she cares for me, and is sad for me, but she is fundamentally happy and doesn’t need me any more to share in the little sorrows and joys of life, as she used to. She has carried in her heart for several years a specific dream for a ministry, and that is beginning to come to fruition, so it is an exciting time for her.

Have you thought of going out on dates with other women? I know you are hurting, but seeing other women, may help you get over “C”.

Wouldn’t you know it, W suggested the same thing! However, I won’t date just yet, for a couple reasons.

For one thing, I am still living with W, though not for much longer. I want to get my affairs in order, and during that time I hope, with God’s grace, to make progress on my spiritual problems. The biggest of these, which has been made clear to me in the aftermath of this breakup, is that I do not believe that God loves me. Oh, I know it in my mind, I even know the scriptures that tell me that God loves me, but something is broken in me, and my heart cannot quite accept it. I know that this is by far the biggest problem in my life, and it leads to the fear of abandonment that I frequently felt when I was with C. It is because of this that I don’t feel that I am worthy of being loved by a woman, even though I know better.

Every morning since the breakup I have woken up tired and immersed in sadness. Last night as I was praying, I told God that I was just so tired, and I asked Him to take everything from me; my hopes, dreams, and fears I surrendered. I have prayed this many times, but something was different last night, and there was a definite peace that came over me. I woke up this morning still with some sadness, but physically refreshed. I know now that it is only in surrender that I can have lasting peace.

This surrender is a continual effort, for which I need grace. I laid my dream of a life with C at God’s feet and said, ‘God, you know what is in my heart. If it be your will, bring us together again, but regardless, I trust in you. Or at least I’m trying to trust in you. Help me in my weakness.’ Surrendering this to God means that I really have to release her to His care, and that I cannot sit around pining for her, which would be making an idol out of her.

Secondly, I need friends, and I need them badly. I don’t really have any, certainly none that are close. Life with C has shown me the immense value of friendships. I would give every penny, every possession I have for the beautiful relationships that she has. And she has shown me that I can reach out to others, that I can be a friend. I had coffee Saturday with a guy I was in RCIA with. I’ve decided that I will be vulnerable with others and not pretend to be fine when I’m not, so I told him what is going on in my life. He was very kind, even though I hardly know him, and he offered to talk with me about it any time I like, even offered to help me move when the time comes! We will get together soon to play golf, and I’m praying that this turns into a solid friendship. And I am trying to be a friend to everyone I meet, which is not easy for me, since I’m not used to opening up! I really need God’s help with this, to be bold and to risk.

I’m trying to praise God in everything. When I think about C’s daughter, it is easy to praise, even through my tears, the One who can make something so beautiful.

 

[NiceMimi]

Hello Chip,

I know what it’s like to question God’s love. At one point in my life, I just came to the realization that sometimes God shows us his love His Way, and not the way we want Him to. I find His love in everyday occurences: the beauty of my family, the beauty of nature, an elderly person smiling at a child… It seems to me that you have a hang of this appreciation of God’s love, but perhaps you are not seeing it yet as God’s love.

I agree about the surrendering. It seems that things go better when I just surrender to His will. When I do that, things always turn out better than I expected…always! It is not easy to surrender to His will. In fact, it is a downright struggle for me, and at times frightening.

As for friendships, I trust that you will make many good friends. You’ve been through a lot, and it seems to me that you are going through an awakening. It seems to me that your life is taking a positive turn. Have you ever read “How to Win Friends and Influence People”? It’s a wonderful book, and I definitely recommmend it to shy people. I suspect that you are a bit shy, and that is okay. You can be shy, and still be out and about!

Heavenly Father, You have brought Chip to this stage of his life. Thank You Father for helping Chip move boldly into the wonderful future you have in store for him. Thank You Father for continuing to bless Chip with excellent people in his life. Thank You Father for guiding Chip into that life that he has always dreamed of! Amen.

 

[chipeto]

I do have that book, Mimi, and read it many years ago. I will take another look at it. But something almost funny happened today:

I saw on the diocese website that a fellow that C once said was a friend of hers was performing a benefit concert tonight. I mentioned this to C in my response email this weekend, and she indicated that she wouldn’t be attending, so I decided to check it out.

I walked into the place to buy a ticket and almost immediately saw C’s nephew. Then I saw his father, C’s brother, helping to set up tables. I don’t know if they saw me, but I felt a stab of pain; they are a beautiful family and I had come to love them. Then I turned and walked out, feeling like a fool!

 

[NiceMimi]

I do have that book, Mimi, and read it many years ago. I will take another look at it. But something almost funny happened today:

I saw on the diocese website that a fellow that C once said was a friend of hers was performing a benefit concert tonight. I mentioned this to C in my response email this weekend, and she indicated that she wouldn’t be attending, so I decided to check it out.

I walked into the place to buy a ticket and almost immediately saw C’s nephew. Then I saw his father, C’s brother, helping to set up tables. I don’t know if they saw me, but I felt a stab of pain; they are a beautiful family and I had come to love them. Then I turned and walked out, feeling like a fool!

Chip, I forgot to tell you yesterday, that I thought that you have been doing a wonderful job of thinking and handling this whole situation excellently.

Please don’t feel like a fool. You are most certainly a wonderful and thoughtful person. It is possible that C did not know that her nephew and her brother were going to be involved with the concert. As for walking out, I’ve known people to walk out of situations, myself included, when it is not to their liking. You decided not to put up with the possibility of negative nonsense, and that is okay. If that happens again, and you walk out, just do something wonderful for yourself at the spur of the moment. Take yourself to a nice dinner (even if it’s just McDonald’s), to a movie or one of those trendy dessert places (if there is one near you), or a book store and get a book you’ve been wanting to read. Just make it something special for you. God wants us to enjoy our life.

BTW, I also wanted to add that going out for coffee with friends, golfing, etc is just wonderful! What the heck, throw down the guantlet and go to Starbucks for coffee! Splurge! You deserve wonderful things.

I am very happy for you because I see all these wonderful things going on in your life.

Heavenly Father, You have brought Chip to this stage of his life. Thank You Father for helping Chip move boldly into the wonderful future you have in store for him. Thank You Father for continuing to bless Chip with excellent people in his life. Thank You Father for guiding Chip into that life that he has always dreamed of! Amen.