Desperate Plea for Help! My husband wants a divorce!

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mccartyj said:
Thank you. Today went very well. All the girls in my class are very nice. My daughter did good with her father today. I am still stressed out about finding care for second shift. We can’t afford a babysitter and all child care options that allow vouchers don’t seem to go late enough. I need to start focusing my prayers in that area.

Jessica
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Jessica I am so happy for you that things went well today.So pleased the girls are all nice.Your daughter and father doing well today…all positive things.
Naturally you are stressed.You are dealing with so many emotions right now and holding down being a mother while hurting.I pray you can get the care you need for second shift.
(((HUGS)))
God bless

Lord please help and guide Jessica.Please continue to grant her strength to cope with all the many stresses and worries going on.Please guide her to be able to find the care she needs for her daughter.Please bless Jessica and her daughter.Please guide her husband also to open his heart and mind to Your holy will.
Thankyou Lord fro hearing our prayers Amen

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
Hi Jessica,
We haven’t heard from you. How is the new job? How are things going?

I’m still praying for you.
 
maltmom said:
Hi Jessica,
We haven’t heard from you. How is the new job? How are things going?

I’m still praying for you.
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Thank you.

Things are going okay. We just finished classes and starting next week we’ll be doing our training on the floor. I will not be getting as many hours as I thought which was a surprise. Freaked out for a little bit but decided that I’ll take advantage of this and try to go to nursing school. Still trying to work out a lot of the details.

I’m just trying to get through every day. Sometimes me and my husband have good days and sometimes they are not.

Still very overwhelmed and trying to figure how to do what’s best for me and my daughter.

Jessica
 
To me, your husband is not acting like a good man. Is he a good man? A good man, in my view, would not be doing what he is now doing. A good man would not be treating you so shabbily. A good man would not be threatening to break up the marriage with you, especially with such a young child. A good man would be so quick and ready to walk away from the religion to which he recently converted. Honestly, I don’t know what you can do if this man is not a particularly good man. I repeat: A good man would not be doing what this man is doing. How can you turn this man into a good man before he proceeds to put an end to your marriage? I don’t know.

You don’t say why he is now so unhappy in this marriage, and why he imagines he will be happy outside of this marriage. I guess he isn’t really telling you. Has he found another woman with whom he has a better relationship? Or maybe he just wants to start dating again.

Here’s what I would do, if I were you. Stop acting like you are panicked and desperate. The next time he brings it up, just calmly say to him something to him like this: “A good and decent man would not walk away from his wife and young daughter. But if that’s what you want to do, then go ahead. It just means that you are scum. Scum acts like scum. Good men act like good men.” Don’t yell. Don’t accuse. Don’t act like you are trying to twist his arm.

Perhaps that will jar him into seeing what scum he is. But I doubt it.

So, I think you are going to have to be strong and plan to raise your daughter mostly or entirely by yourself, or with the help of your next husband (and annulment is perhaps possible).

Quietly go to an divorce attorney on your own, and start planning to get the best possible deal for you and your daughter. Maybe if you prepare first, quietly, without him knowing, you can come out with the best deal (keeping the house; sole custody of your daughter; high child support payments; etc.). It might even be advantageous for you to file for divorce before him, without him even knowing. I heard that Katie Holmes filed for divorce without even telling Tom Cruise that she was thinking about it, so that she could get advantages in the ensuing court proceedings.

Originally I was going to suggest that you try to get him to go to marriage counseling. But he sounds like he is determined by walk away from the duties of husband and father, so I doubt he’ll ever go.

I know you wanted help in preventing a divorce. Maybe there are ways to do that. I hope so. But when I hear about guy talking about walking away from his marriage vows and his religion after so short a time, and who is on his second marriage, all I can think is that this is guy who just generally does NOT keep his commitments, and how is self-centered and doesn’t really care that much about the feelings and well-being of other people. The world is full of these callous, self-centered types. When they want you, or want something from you, they are very good at turning on the charm. But when they tire of you, they are done, just done, and through you away like an old Kleenex tissue.

But, not everyone in the world is this way. I’d say these types, these fakes, they users, make up a majority of the world, especially in “advanced” countries like the USA, but there are still some people who have a Christian conscience, and who are family-centered rather than self-centered.

I just prayed for you to God in the name of Jesus. Be strong. Don’t be desperate–it just won’t help.
 
mccartyj said:
Thank you.

Things are going okay. We just finished classes and starting next week we’ll be doing our training on the floor. I will not be getting as many hours as I thought which was a surprise. Freaked out for a little bit but decided that I’ll take advantage of this and try to go to nursing school. Still trying to work out a lot of the details.

I’m just trying to get through every day. Sometimes me and my husband have good days and sometimes they are not.

Still very overwhelmed and trying to figure how to do what’s best for me and my daughter.

Jessica
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You’re welcome. I’m happy to see that you are getting a handle of things. They will fall into place.

Hugs!
 
Hi Jessica you and your daughter and husband remain in my thoughts and prayers.

You are doing such a great job and being incredibly brave and positive. Well done to you one day at a time! (((hugs)))

I shall keep you in my prayers

God bless

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Any results from the lawyer yet?
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The one attorney service that I tried denied me because their case load was too big. I am joining to call the Indiana Volunteer Attorneys (or something like that) but haven’t been able to because they are only open when I’m working but I’m off a few days next week and I’ll call.
 
Bartolome_Casas said:
To me, your husband is not acting like a good man. Is he a good man? A good man, in my view, would not be doing what he is now doing. A good man would not be treating you so shabbily. A good man would not be threatening to break up the marriage with you, especially with such a young child. A good man would be so quick and ready to walk away from the religion to which he recently converted. Honestly, I don’t know what you can do if this man is not a particularly good man. I repeat: A good man would not be doing what this man is doing. How can you turn this man into a good man before he proceeds to put an end to your marriage? I don’t know.

You don’t say why he is now so unhappy in this marriage, and why he imagines he will be happy outside of this marriage. I guess he isn’t really telling you. Has he found another woman with whom he has a better relationship? Or maybe he just wants to start dating again.

Here’s what I would do, if I were you. Stop acting like you are panicked and desperate. The next time he brings it up, just calmly say to him something to him like this: “A good and decent man would not walk away from his wife and young daughter. But if that’s what you want to do, then go ahead. It just means that you are scum. Scum acts like scum. Good men act like good men.” Don’t yell. Don’t accuse. Don’t act like you are trying to twist his arm.

Perhaps that will jar him into seeing what scum he is. But I doubt it.

So, I think you are going to have to be strong and plan to raise your daughter mostly or entirely by yourself, or with the help of your next husband (and annulment is perhaps possible).

Quietly go to an divorce attorney on your own, and start planning to get the best possible deal for you and your daughter. Maybe if you prepare first, quietly, without him knowing, you can come out with the best deal (keeping the house; sole custody of your daughter; high child support payments; etc.). It might even be advantageous for you to file for divorce before him, without him even knowing. I heard that Katie Holmes filed for divorce without even telling Tom Cruise that she was thinking about it, so that she could get advantages in the ensuing court proceedings.

Originally I was going to suggest that you try to get him to go to marriage counseling. But he sounds like he is determined by walk away from the duties of husband and father, so I doubt he’ll ever go.

I know you wanted help in preventing a divorce. Maybe there are ways to do that. I hope so. But when I hear about guy talking about walking away from his marriage vows and his religion after so short a time, and who is on his second marriage, all I can think is that this is guy who just generally does NOT keep his commitments, and how is self-centered and doesn’t really care that much about the feelings and well-being of other people. The world is full of these callous, self-centered types. When they want you, or want something from you, they are very good at turning on the charm. But when they tire of you, they are done, just done, and through you away like an old Kleenex tissue.

But, not everyone in the world is this way. I’d say these types, these fakes, they users, make up a majority of the world, especially in “advanced” countries like the USA, but there are still some people who have a Christian conscience, and who are family-centered rather than self-centered.

I just prayed for you to God in the name of Jesus. Be strong. Don’t be desperate–it just won’t help.
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Thank you. He has already filed for divorce. I think that he is going through a Mid Life Crisis because he has not always been like that. I am getting everything that I could possibly want through the divorce. I can’t afford to keep the house (we rent). I will only be working part-time and going back to school to get my nursing degree. I’m getting half of his 401(k) and I’m using that to pay for rent for the next year but it will still have to be an inexpensive apartment because he doesn’t have a lot in it.

He is not cheating on me. We have discussed this. There is a lot of reasons that he is unhappy. Many of them are valid reasons to be unhappy but not reasons to divorce. I’ve made mistakes and put our daughter over him. I’ve been stubborn about going back to work and I made some big mistakes in the past that led to us losing our home. I quit a good paying job and didn’t have another one lined up. I was depressed and should have seen a doctor to diagnose me and get me on medication but I was stubborn and did not. I see similar problems in him now. I think he’s depressed and instead of going to a doctor he’s going to ignore it and make bad and drastic decisions.

Although he is being really selfish about the divorce, he has really stepped up as a father during this time. He is spending a lot more time with our daughter and doing things with her. He has been helping around the house since I have been working. He never did dishes or anything like that before and he does dishes almost every single day now. He works swing shift so when we work opposite shifts he will have her instead of her going to a babysitter.

He’s being very stubborn and I’m afraid he’s going to wake up too late and realize what he’s done.
 
tbcrawford said:
Hi Jessica you and your daughter and husband remain in my thoughts and prayers.

You are doing such a great job and being incredibly brave and positive. Well done to you one day at a time! (((hugs)))

I shall keep you in my prayers

God bless

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
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Thank you.

Jessica
 
mccartyj said:
Although he is being really selfish about the divorce, he has really stepped up as a father during this time. He is spending a lot more time with our daughter and doing things with her. He has been helping around the house since I have been working. He never did dishes or anything like that before and he does dishes almost every single day now. He works swing shift so when we work opposite shifts he will have her instead of her going to a babysitter.

He’s being very stubborn and I’m afraid he’s going to wake up too late and realize what he’s done.
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That’s wonderful that he’s stepping up to the plate for your daughter. If he does wake up he can either withdraw his divorce petition or you guys can always remarry if he truly sees the light and that is something you want at that time.

I’m still praying for all of you.
 
Still in my thoughts and prayers
God bless

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
maltmom said:
That’s wonderful that he’s stepping up to the plate for your daughter. If he does wake up he can either withdraw his divorce petition or you guys can always remarry if he truly sees the light and that is something you want at that time.

I’m still praying for all of you.
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I pray for this to happen everyday.

Jessica
 
mccartyj said:
Thank you. He has already filed for divorce. I think that he is going through a Mid Life Crisis because he has not always been like that. I am getting everything that I could possibly want through the divorce. I can’t afford to keep the house (we rent). I will only be working part-time and going back to school to get my nursing degree. I’m getting half of his 401(k) and I’m using that to pay for rent for the next year but it will still have to be an inexpensive apartment because he doesn’t have a lot in it.

He is not cheating on me. We have discussed this. There is a lot of reasons that he is unhappy. Many of them are valid reasons to be unhappy but not reasons to divorce. I’ve made mistakes and put our daughter over him. I’ve been stubborn about going back to work and I made some big mistakes in the past that led to us losing our home. I quit a good paying job and didn’t have another one lined up. I was depressed and should have seen a doctor to diagnose me and get me on medication but I was stubborn and did not. I see similar problems in him now. I think he’s depressed and instead of going to a doctor he’s going to ignore it and make bad and drastic decisions.

Although he is being really selfish about the divorce, he has really stepped up as a father during this time. He is spending a lot more time with our daughter and doing things with her. ** He has been helping around the house since I have been working. He never did dishes or anything like that before and he does dishes almost every single day now.** He works swing shift so when we work opposite shifts he will have her instead of her going to a babysitter.

He’s being very stubborn and I’m afraid he’s going to wake up too late and realize what he’s done.
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I thought he moved out? Has he moved back in now?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I thought he moved out? Has he moved back in now?
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He moved out briefly. When I got a job he moved back in because we were working opposite shifts and it was the only practical way for us to handle childcare responsibilities.

He was at his mom’s for a few days and then went to a hotel for a week because he got a bonus at work (he got 2 and I got the other one).

Jessica
 
mccartyj said:
He moved out briefly. When I got a job he moved back in because we were working opposite shifts and it was the only practical way for us to handle childcare responsibilities.

He was at his mom’s for a few days and then went to a hotel for a week because he got a bonus at work (he got 2 and I got the other one).

Jessica
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OK, this is good news. At least he is taking responsibility for your daughter.
 
Why is he miserable? What are his reasons?

My wife and I have been struggling recently too, but we are making progress. Ultimately, the root of our problems was in thorough communication. We have been in consistent communication with our pastor, we are visiting a counselor and we are writing and talking to each other weekly. I asked that we both try to communicate as if we are talking to kindergartners in order to avoid any assumptions and be sure we clearly understand each other.

I’ll pray for you and your husband for strength in your vocation as a married couple and parents.

Dan
 
Saff2003 said:
Hi Jessica. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this right now. I also am in a fight to save my marriage.

My husband has mentioned divorce several times the past 8 months. We’ve been married almost 9 years. We always reconcile and very recently finally had our marriage Convalidated. A few months later, he’s not happy again and I’m the culprit.

What I’ve learned is all my crying, begging, pleading, reasoning, and affection has only pushed him further away. Men don’t like needy women. It’s too much for them to handle. I don’t know if you’re like me, but I’m learning the hard way.

Originally his wanting to leave was “its not you, its me” story. Now, he says I’m suffocating and draining the life from him. I’m very angry at myself for letting him have such a control on my happiness. I do know I’m not the sole source of our issues.

My #1 goal through all this is to be strong. When he calls, I don’t want him to know the torment and misery he’s putting me through. If I can manage to keep my emotions in check, the main things I want to relay to him is I **don’t **want a divorce, I’ll settle on separation if necessary, I’ll work on my issues as he works on his, and continuing going to Church is an absolute must for us both. I want him to know that this isn’t entirely his fault and I’m to blame too. But divorce isn’t the answer.

I’m hopeful he’ll receive my “compromise” but I can’t let myself get too hurt if he does not. Perhaps something like this would help your situation.

I’m going to meet with my Priest this week to get his guidance / advice. I’ll pass along any recommendations he provides.

Please pray for me as I’ll pray for you. :o
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it’s easy to blame you; then he doesn’t have to “fix” himself.
 
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