Desperate Plea for Help! My husband wants a divorce!

[Serap]

All right, where is he? cracks knuckes

Aww, isn’t that cute? He needs sex.

Well, you need security. Particularly since you are a stay-at-home mom - you are vulnerable to his whims regarding divorce; this is an inherent flaw in the traditional marriage model, but what are ya gonna do? It’s a fallen world after all.

If he can’t muster up the emotional resources to take care of you and give you what you need (security), how exactly does he expect you to muster up the emotional resources to take care of him and give him what he needs sexually? Love is a two-way street. Hopefully there is some way to get it through his thick head and he will reciprocate. Until that point, you have every right to not be in the mood; your lack of desire is your psychological survival instinct kicking in because of the stress he is putting on you.

Unfortunately, the reality is that in 99.9999999999999% of cases, men don’t give a rat’s behind about fixing their relationships. Men just know they aren’t happy and they walk away when the women don’t magically change to suit them; all the burden to fix the relationship is on the women, while men don’t lift a finger. That’s why books like The Five Love Languages and many other “save your marriage” self-help books are ALL written toward women. I hope, for your sake, that your husband can be something other than the stereotypical man.

Praying for you.

sorry you feel that way, but many men do work on their marriages and stick it out. the divorce rate is 1/2 and 70% of divorces are initiated by women.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Why is he miserable? What are his reasons?

My wife and I have been struggling recently too, but we are making progress. Ultimately, the root of our problems was in thorough communication. We have been in consistent communication with our pastor, we are visiting a counselor and we are writing and talking to each other weekly. ** I asked that we both try to communicate as if we are talking to kindergartners in order to avoid any assumptions and be sure we clearly understand each other. **

I’ll pray for you and your husband for strength in your vocation as a married couple and parents.

Dan

LOL Not a bad idea! In our case, I’d probably ratchet it down to 4 year olds though.

 

[Serap]

I definitely made my share of mistakes. I think my biggest one is not giving enough attention to my marriage. I’ve had a hard time balancing all of my duties and it was easy to let my marriage slide, considering my husband is never home.

I struggle immensely with laziness. I am tired all the time and struggle with managing my time. Me and my husband have very different work ethics. He is one of the hardest working people that I know. I do not have the same work ethic and never found a job that I really enjoyed. I struggled before having kids (I think I was impatient for having kids and being a SAHM). I knew I wanted to be a SAHM and just kind of forgot about everything else. I should have focused on paying off debt and setting aside money for when I did have children. I was very unsatisfied and depressed and inside of getting professional help made major life altering decisions that still haunt me now. My husband thinks, since I didn’t want to work now, that’s the only reason I really want to stay home. I think that’s low but I can understand how he feels this way.

Jessica in Indiana

It’s very difficult to respect someone whom (as you described) is “lazy”. I would fall out of love with my husband if he was “lazy”. I’m just being honest.

 

[Serap]

We have a lot in common! My DH is a very driven person. He has told me that if he is idle for longer than 15 minutes, he starts feeling anxiety. He feels that he has to be productive ALL the time. He makes me tired just being around him! And he thinks I am lazy because I am not driven like he is. I never had a career, just jobs, although I started working before I was 15 and always supported myself. After I finally finished my useless degree in English, I had our 2nd son and stayed home to care for them and manage the home. From time to time, DH would get frustrated and say I was “wasting my potential” or something. I always knew my calling was to have children, and when I had them, I knew I was doing what God made me for. That was not wasting my potential at all.

Men these days are brought up to expect that women will also work. DH’s mom worked after his parents were divorced, yet she did everything for him and his brother, also a very energetic and driven person. I am nothing like his mom, I know my limits! It would have killed me to work full time and try to raise 2 boys. Of course his mom had to work and we have been able to live on DH’s salary and any job I have would not help the finances. I have done some substitute teaching over the years but even DH told me that it isn’t worth my time away from home (he knows I can’t do all the things I do for him if I am out of the house)!

If I understand correctly, your DH works a lot? He needs to acknowledge that when one parent is hardly there, the other one needs to be there for the kids, or they will have nothing, and no one. I think you guys just need to get on the same side of the problem and work something out where neither of you feels antagonistic against the other one. I can respect my DH and how he is so driven, but I think he still doesn’t really respect me. There’s still a whole lot of judgment from him about what I don’t get done in an average day. Well, here I am chatting with people on the internet when I do have stuff to do, so… he has a point!

historically, women have always worked and had kids. This is a new phenominon of women staying home and keeping house. Women used to have multiple jobs, be a mom AND keep house 200 years ago.

 

[Serap]

McCartyj,

Hi. I have read all of this thread and I want to just tell you that you are doing amazing!!! Good for you! Your husband may fall in-love with you all over again if you continue to be this new and improved version of yourself.

Heck, I’m proud of you and I’m an outsider looking in!

 

[mccartyj]

Why is he miserable? What are his reasons?

My wife and I have been struggling recently too, but we are making progress. Ultimately, the root of our problems was in thorough communication. We have been in consistent communication with our pastor, we are visiting a counselor and we are writing and talking to each other weekly. I asked that we both try to communicate as if we are talking to kindergartners in order to avoid any assumptions and be sure we clearly understand each other.

I’ll pray for you and your husband for strength in your vocation as a married couple and parents.

Dan

He is miserable because I think he is not satisfied with our financial life. He works really hard and it never seems like enough. Compared to where we were, it has improved a lot. But he sees himself as 37 and he’s been working since he was 14 years old and gets frustrated. I’ve put a lot of background on our financial problems.

There’s a lot of reasons. He has reasons to be unhappy but I don’t think they were divorce worthy but apparently that doesn’t matter. If he thinks they are divorce worthy that’s all that matters since he was the one that filed.

I just wished he would have actually told me when he got so unhappy instead of waiting until divorce was an option in his mind. I thought divorce was never an option. I would have never married him if I thought that he would give up and divorce me.

Jessica

 

[mccartyj]

McCartyj,

Hi. I have read all of this thread and I want to just tell you that you are doing amazing!!! Good for you! Your husband may fall in-love with you all over again if you continue to be this new and improved version of yourself.

Heck, I’m proud of you and I’m an outsider looking in!

Thank you. I am really starting to struggle though. I have so much going on and am having a hard time keeping everything straight and not breaking down in tears.

I don’t know how much longer I can be strong like this.

Jessica

 

[Serap]

Thank you. I am really starting to struggle though. I have so much going on and am having a hard time keeping everything straight and not breaking down in tears.

I don’t know how much longer I can be strong like this.

Jessica

Hey it’s ok to go somewhere for a good cry. Do you have any girlfriends with a towel on their shoulder for you?

 

[maltmom]

Thank you. I am really starting to struggle though. I have so much going on and am having a hard time keeping everything straight and not breaking down in tears.

I don’t know how much longer I can be strong like this.

Jessica

You are going through so much right now. Of course you are going to have melt downs. If you need someone to vent to send a private message to me. I have my status set to off-line, but if you send a message to me I’ll get an e-mail letting me know I have one.

You are doing amazingly well. I’m still praying for you.

 

[mccartyj]

Thank you ladies! I do have a best friend that I am able to vent to. She has been really great.

Jessica

 

[maltmom]

Thank you ladies! I do have a best friend that I am able to vent to. She has been really great.

Jessica

I’m thankful for your friend. Thank God you have someone special in your life to be there for you.

 

[AthenaC]

Thank you ladies! I do have a best friend that I am able to vent to. She has been really great.

Jessica

Aww, you’re welcome!

J/k - I know our support here is limited. Glad you have a best friend. <3

 

[maltmom]

Aww, you’re welcome!

J/k - I know our support here is limited. Glad you have a best friend. <3

I also think it’s wonderful that we can come here and have people from all over the world pray for us, give us advice, support and we can pray for them.

 

[Mummsie]

Thank you. I am really starting to struggle though. I have so much going on and am having a hard time keeping everything straight and not breaking down in tears.

I don’t know how much longer I can be strong like this.

Jessica

Perhaps you need to rely on God for your Strength. He has no limits.

I recently was in a type of situation that I had no experience with. I prayed that God would send his Holy Spirit to guide me and give me the right words. HE DID! The results were amazing.

Put your husband in God’s hands. God knows what’s right for all of you.

God Bless you and your Family.

 

[mccartyj]

Thank you! And my friend is wonderful but she can’t give certain support that I can receive here. She is not Catholic so she doesn’t understand certain aspects of my faith. When I said that I could not get remarried unless we were granted an annulment she thought that was crazy. It’s so funny how Protestant Christians can completely ignore a very big part of the Bible. I don’t understand it. I did the same thing though before I converted.

I know I need to pray to God for more strength and clarity throughout this situation. Without God there is no way I would have made it this far.

Jessica

 

[Timothy_Garber]

All I can do for you is pray. I hope everything turns out well, and you made the right decision to post here. God bless.

 

[mccartyj]

Thank you. A lot has been going on since I last posted here. I found out that there was another woman. She worked with him at his second job. They are in love and having a relationship. She’s even younger than me and has 2 young kids and just got divorced prior to him filing for a divorce. Her ex is abusive and I think that is part of what drew my husband to her. He wanted to play the knight in shining armor.

Our divorce is on hold though. I qualify for the pro-bono attorney and it could take up to six months so he agreed to put it on hold for the time being. Me and my daughter moved out the second or third week of August right before my school started.

We have been getting along really well for the most part. At the beginning I was still having a lot of emotional problems and guilt tripping him and calling the other woman names and a bunch of horrible stuff. I have since repented, apologized to him and stopped that behavior. I have forgiven him for filing for divorce and for the affair. It was too draining keeping all of that pent up angry inside. I also wrote him a long note apologizing for my part in the failure of our marriage.

We are still intimate at times. That has been hard. I feel like OW has an emotional hold on him so I need to keep that sexual hold. I am 99% sure they are not having sex. I think she is getting frustrated at me being around a lot. I made the mistake of reading his and her texts and she sounds whiny and desperate. I hope she keeps making the mistakes that I used to make and that he wakes up and realizes that this is not what he wants.

I have been working on changes in myself immensely. I have really matured and am becoming more Christ-like everyday. This trial has really caused me to reflect inward and I appreciate that. It’s definitely a struggle though. Somedays I just feel like I can’t keep patient and want this trial to be over now. I know it’s in God’s hands and his timing regardless of the outcome.

Please continue to pray for us, especially for my husband’s affair to end and his heart to come back to God and it to be softened towards our reconciliation.

Jess

 

[Timothy_Garber]

You know, you hear millions, maybe trillions, of these stories all the time. But I will never be able not to smile when things go the right way. I will pray for you sevenfold.

 

[mccartyj]

Thanks Tim! Funny that’s my husband’s name too!

I pray everyday for this. I even pray for the OW’s safety for her and her daughters. As much as what she is doing is wrong, I can not imagine being in an abusive situation.

Jess

 

[Timothy_Garber]

Thanks Tim! Funny that’s my husband’s name too!

I pray everyday for this. I even pray for the OW’s safety for her and her daughters. As much as what she is doing is wrong, I can not imagine being in an abusive situation.

Jess

Whoa. Cool.

I will also remember to pray for her too. I know she must be going through horrible things as well, but adultery will only make her feel worse. I wonder how her kids feel about it… I know I would seriously have to talk to my mom, but only because I am old enough to understand these things.