Desperate Plea for Help! My husband wants a divorce!

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tbcrawford said:
Jessica my heart goes out to you I am so sorry for what you are going through.
You are being so brave (((HUGS))) for you.

What a painful situation to be in.

I offer no advice, other than if you can, try to be as amicable as you can regarding your husband seeing your daughter.Even if you are very angry or hurt or he treats you terribly children need to know they are loved by both parents.In years to come your daughter will love you so much for this and your husband will respect you so much too.I know this will be very hard at times.Who knows what the future holds,only God.
Pray for strength and guidance from God to help you through these very difficult times.

May God bless you and grant you strength and comfort.

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
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Thank you. Believe me I’m trying my hardest. I know my husband adores our daughter. He’s always been a devoted father to my stepchildren. That was just one of the things that attracted me to him. I want him to see her as much as possible, I just need to make it work. He works a lot so it will be hard to fit in time. I don’t want her spending the night any time soon because she is too little. She has never spent the night away from me. Those days terrify me, when my husband gets her for a weekend. But the little things I can handle right now. I’ll probably let him have her Sunday after church because we always went to my inlaws. So that way he can take her over there. If he’s working I’ll probably still drop her off there so they can see her. They love her so much too!

We were very amicable today. He is not opposed to me getting an attorney. He just knows that he cannot afford one, so if I can get one for a reduced fee since I don’t work, he doesn’t mind. I know he has some major issues, but I think he is just very confused. He is a good man and a good father. I’m just hoping that he will wake up before this is said and done. Apparently once he files we have to wait 60 days before it is granted. Which is a good thing. I did not know that. I told him I want him to go to counseling with me at least once during this time so we can at least get some of our issues out in a productive way so we can move on.

I’m not giving up. I just don’t know how to balance taking care of me and my daughter and trying to save my marriage. It just seems like there is not a good way to do both.

Jessica
 
Please don’t let your love cloud your judgement- he’s leaving and not even willing to wait till you have a job. He’s leaving you broke and alone after VOWING not to. Think about it.

I am saying this because while he’s headed out the door STILL controlling your life, you are protecting him and making excuses.

I think you will be forced to get an attorney, I mean check this out from Indiana in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/index.html

Here’s something to think about…what if he moves? How do you change agreement? Who pays for travel? Medical care? Tap lessons? Hair cuts? Babysitting? -you’ll need a lot of that when he leaves. In fact, you will relying on childcare, but he won’t b/c he’ll have her on weekends.

No one is attacking him, we are telling you to accept what he is doing and act to help yourself and your child.
 
bonvivantHermit said:
Please don’t let your love cloud your judgement- he’s leaving and not even willing to wait till you have a job. He’s leaving you broke and alone after VOWING not to. Think about it.

I am saying this because while he’s headed out the door STILL controlling your life, you are protecting him and making excuses.

I think you will be forced to get an attorney, I mean check this out from Indiana in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/index.html

Here’s something to think about…what if he moves? How do you change agreement? Who pays for travel? Medical care? Tap lessons? Hair cuts? Babysitting? -you’ll need a lot of that when he leaves. In fact, you will relying on childcare, but he won’t b/c he’ll have her on weekends.

No one is attacking him, we are telling you to accept what he is doing and act to help yourself and your child.
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Good point. Thank you for pointing this out. You are right. I am still defending him. It’s so hard not to.

Jessica
 
This sounds like such a difficult, heartbreaking situation. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
Jessica:

First, you really need to sit down and talk to an attorney. Most will understand about the money and will have ideas on how to deal with their fees.

But my main point: depending on the laws of your state you don’t have to accept this as the end. Oftentimes the court can and will order counseling, some states even require the couple be separated for 6 months before filing for divorce. Make sure you let the attorney know you want counseling so they can ask for it. Sometimes if the pleadings go before the Judge and it looks like both parties want the divorce the Judge might just let it go and not order the counseling. (The idea is the state wants marriages to succeed and wants to make sure a serious attempt to reconcile has occurred.)

I’m so sorry you are going through this and I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hopefully, your husband will have a change of heart and realize this isn’t what he wants.
 
StarFireKK said:
Jessica:

First, you really need to sit down and talk to an attorney. Most will understand about the money and will have ideas on how to deal with their fees.

But my main point: depending on the laws of your state you don’t have to accept this as the end. Oftentimes the court can and will order counseling, some states even require the couple be separated for 6 months before filing for divorce. Make sure you let the attorney know you want counseling so they can ask for it. Sometimes if the pleadings go before the Judge and it looks like both parties want the divorce the Judge might just let it go and not order the counseling. (The idea is the state wants marriages to succeed and wants to make sure a serious attempt to reconcile has occurred.)

I’m so sorry you are going through this and I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hopefully, your husband will have a change of heart and realize this isn’t what he wants.
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Thank you so much for pointing this out. You are right, that is a very good reason to have an attorney involved. I will be making some calls tomorrow.

Thanks again,

Jessica
 
You can try mediation vice adversarial attorneys. That’s what we did, sat down with a single lawyer who was a mediator. He explained what our options were, pointed out what the state would normally award and we sorted out how to split finances, child custody, support etc. But then my ex was never into money, greedy or vindictive. However, as others pointed out, separating and tearing a family apart for a loss of feeling is an inherently selfish act. It does hurt the kids, it will continue to hurt them. Keeping your home a place your ex can visit your kids, allowing and supporting that contact will be hard and painful for you. One of the first things a counselor will probably talk to you about is establishing boundaries for your own health. Ceasing to act in the role of wife (like instinctively defending him, advising him etc). My kids were older (12, 14 and 18) and I don’t think they’ll ever heal from it, they are learning to cope.

My ex visits our kids in their home with me, takes them to school in the morning, she brings them dinner once a week and I remain absent so she can have time alone with them. We stay in touch over schoolwork, medical appointments etc. Folks who see us say it’s nice we’re friends because it looks that way to them. We’re not friends. She has hurt my children in a way no other human being on the face of this planet could hurt them. Someone who will do that is not my friend. I do what I must for my kids and to uphold the vow I took.

A father who will tear apart their children’s lives, their home, destroy their stability and security, set the standard for his children that men are undependable and untrustworthy is not a good father. But he’s their Daddy and it will be best for them to come to their own conclusions over time. Provide them as much security and control over their lives as you can.

ETA: If you will be dependent on him for income you need to cover what you’ll do if he dies. My spouse and I each agreed to carry life insurance to be paid to a trust for the kids. Sorry, shouldn’t be giving legal advice on the forum but you need to think long-term as well as surviving day-to-day getting through this.
 
You are very brave my friend…don’t give up.You are in my prayers
God bless

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
mccartyj said:
We were very amicable today. He is not opposed to me getting an attorney. He just knows that he cannot afford one, so if I can get one for a reduced fee since I don’t work, he doesn’t mind. I know he has some major issues, but I think he is just very confused. He is a good man and a good father. I’m just hoping that he will wake up before this is said and done. Apparently once he files we have to wait 60 days before it is granted. Which is a good thing. I did not know that. I told him I want him to go to counseling with me at least once during this time so we can at least get some of our issues out in a productive way so we can move on.
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Jessica, it really doesn’t matter if he is opposed to you getting attorney or that he doesn’t mind. By saying that it gives you false hope that you don’t need one. The minute he said he wanted a divorce was the time to get one whether he ended up filing or not. You need to know your legal rights and that of your daughter’s. It is time to think and act with your head and not your heart. I know that sounds cold, but that is unfortunately the nature of divorce.

It sounds like he wants 50/50 custody. On paper that’s sounds great. The reality, if I understood correctly, is that he travels a lot with his job. Financially this will hurt you as you will not be receiving the child support that you need. He may say, and mean it at the time, that he will give you extra money if he’s away. When push comes to shove it probably won’t.

We truly care about you. We are praying for you. I can only speak for myself. I’m not trying to bring him down in your eyes. You are looking at this through veiled eyes. I understand that. I don’t want you to be hurt even more down the line.

Some of us have been there and don’t want to see you hurt anymore than you already are.
 
maltmom said:
Jessica, it really doesn’t matter if he is opposed to you getting attorney or that he doesn’t mind. By saying that it gives you false hope that you don’t need one. The minute he said he wanted a divorce was the time to get one whether he ended up filing or not. You need to know your legal rights and that of your daughter’s. It is time to think and act with your head and not your heart. I know that sounds cold, but that is unfortunately the nature of divorce.

It sounds like he wants 50/50 custody. On paper that’s sounds great. The reality, if I understood correctly, is that he travels a lot with his job. Financially this will hurt you as you will not be receiving the child support that you need. He may say, and mean it at the time, that he will give you extra money if he’s away. When push comes to shove it probably won’t.

We truly care about you. We are praying for you. I can only speak for myself. I’m not trying to bring him down in your eyes. You are looking at this through veiled eyes. I understand that. I don’t want you to be hurt even more down the line.

Some of us have been there and don’t want to see you hurt anymore than you already are.
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Please read this message several times. You HAVE to detach from your love for him and protect yourself and your daughter. Believe me, he is looking out for himself, number one! You have to do this for your daughter. Get legal advice. He needs to pay for it. Make sure he doesn’t have access to your funds.
 
Thank you everyone. I am understanding this more and more. He brought home the packet today and wants to get it filed today because they close too early for him to do it when he is at work. My dad called to say that they will help in whatever way possible. I found a place that will possibly do it pro-bono but I have to wait until tomorrow to call them. I am trying my best to think clearly for me and my daughter. It is so hard when my world is falling apart.

Jessica
 
mccartyj said:
Thank you everyone. I am understanding this more and more. He brought home the packet today and wants to get it filed today because they close too early for him to do it when he is at work. My dad called to say that they will help in whatever way possible. I found a place that will possibly do it pro-bono but I have to wait until tomorrow to call them. I am trying my best to think clearly for me and my daughter. It is so hard when my world is falling apart.

Jessica
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I know, from experience, how hard it can be. I’m thankful that you have your Dad. Please, do not sign anything until you see the attorney. That’s wonderful news that you may have found someone to do it pro-bono. In my state, all my husband had to sign was that he received a copy of the papers I filed. I filed a no-fault divorce b/c I didn’t want to go into his infidelity in court, even though I had black and white proof. Again, please do not sign anything. Don’t worry about him wanting to file today b/c they close too early on a work day for him. That’s his problem, not yours. At this point, and I know it’s difficult to think this way, what he wants and needs should not be your top priority. The future of you and your daughter are and should be your top priority.

BTW: I’d give you the same advice if you were a man and his wife was doing the same thing.

I’m still praying.
 
mccartyj said:
Thank you everyone. I am understanding this more and more. He brought home the packet today and wants to get it filed today because they close too early for him to do it when he is at work. My dad called to say that they will help in whatever way possible. I found a place that will possibly do it pro-bono but I have to wait until tomorrow to call them. I am trying my best to think clearly for me and my daughter. It is so hard when my world is falling apart.

Jessica
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Jessica, please follow maltmom’s advise and do not sign anything until you’ve retained an attorney. Your husband wants what he wants, but that should never, ever stop you from looking out for your best interests. And from here on out you need to be thinking about only two people: your child and you.

Luna
 
mccartyj said:
Thank you everyone. I am understanding this more and more. He brought home the packet today and wants to get it filed today because they close too early for him to do it when he is at work. My dad called to say that they will help in whatever way possible. I found a place that will possibly do it pro-bono but I have to wait until tomorrow to call them. I am trying my best to think clearly for me and my daughter. It is so hard when my world is falling apart.

Jessica
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Dont sign anything until you get an attorney to look at it. THERE IS NO RUSH! He may think there is but you should take your time and have a professional help you every step of the way.
 
A legal agreement will be binding on you for years to come, no need to rush. Act in haste, repent at leisure. Get it right the first time. Think long term, not short term as I said before. What will happen when kids hit school age, who pays for activities, carries health insurance on them, college, covering catastrophe’s like him dying if you’re dependent on alimony/child support.

The custody agreement also has tax implications- i.e. who can claim head of household, kids as deductions etc.

You need a lawyer so you understand how this is going to work out over the years. How closely you will be held to something you sign now in the future. How difficult it might be to change if you don’t get it right.

Please do not think of your world as falling apart, as if he controls your world and whether it stays intact or not. It is changing, but only comes completely apart if you let it. God will be there for you, you do control your life if you take that concept to heart. Do not simply go along with what he wants but think about what you want for yourself and your children that you can still control. What has gotten me through has been appreciating those things I can, even the simple things, vice allowing the negative to overwhelm.
 
Thank you everyone so much for your advice. I will be talking to an attorney tomorrow. If I can’t get someone pro-bono I think my parents will help me. They don’t have a lot of money either so I’m trying Legal Aid first.

Please continue to pray for us. I’ve been praying like crazy. I’m trying to balance taking action to protect mine and my daughter’s future but also praying that he will come to his senses and realize how wrong this is. Nothing is impossible with God! But I am still working towards meeting mine and my daughter’s needs.

He’s packing tonight and leaving for work tomorrow and then will go to his mother’s house. I want to talk to him tonight about when he will see our daughter next. I at least want to get that first date established. I am terrified how she is going to handle this.

I am continuing looking for a job. I applied at one place to be a CNA and hopefully I will find out within a week. They are having the training at the end of the month so they said they will let me know if they accept my application or not. Pray that I find something quickly that I will enjoy somewhat and that will pay the bills.

Jessica
 
mccartyj said:
Thank you everyone so much for your advice. I will be talking to an attorney tomorrow. If I can’t get someone pro-bono I think my parents will help me. They don’t have a lot of money either so I’m trying Legal Aid first.

Please continue to pray for us. I’ve been praying like crazy. I’m trying to balance taking action to protect mine and my daughter’s future but also praying that he will come to his senses and realize how wrong this is. Nothing is impossible with God! But I am still working towards meeting mine and my daughter’s needs.

He’s packing tonight and leaving for work tomorrow and then will go to his mother’s house. I want to talk to him tonight about when he will see our daughter next. I at least want to get that first date established. I am terrified how she is going to handle this.

I am continuing looking for a job. I applied at one place to be a CNA and hopefully I will find out within a week. They are having the training at the end of the month so they said they will let me know if they accept my application or not. Pray that I find something quickly that I will enjoy somewhat and that will pay the bills.

Jessica
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It may very will be that your husband will have to pay for your attorney and your living expenses until the divorce proceeding are over. . He will also start owing you child support starting tomorrow. When you talk to him toning you should tell him you expect him to continue to pay for the upkeep of the house and his daughter.
 
estesbob said:
It may very will be that your husband will have to pay for your attorney and your living expenses until the divorce proceeding are over. . He will also start owing you child support starting tomorrow. When you talk to him toning you should tell him you expect him to continue to pay for the upkeep of the house and his daughter.
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He is paying for the upkeep of the house and our daughter. I still have full access to our checking account and will be paying the bills until the divorce is finalized. We will have to get new separate checking accounts because we are not able to take just one name off of it according to our bank. We will need to get all of our automatic payment stuff worked out. He’s at the park with my daughter right now and he said he will come to see her on Saturday after he gets off of work.

Jessica
 
estesbob:

I am not so sure about your last post above. At least I know it is not like that in the state that I reside.

Here, there is no law stating that the man must continue to pay for one thing. He can, and believe me some do, walk away from wife and children, without paying the mortgage, food, or any other bill and it does not matter if the wife is a sham or has a job or not.

On the other hand there certainly are men that do still pay for everything because they do not want to see their children homeless and in poverty but they do this not because they are made to, they do it because they truely love their children and want to make things as easy as possible for them. Some really just don’t give a rat’s patootie.

Op: I am not implying that your husband would be so cruel to do this to you and the child but some are this cold hearted and leave the wife and their own children in a real financial pickle with not much of a recourse.
 
mccartyj said:
He is paying for the upkeep of the house and our daughter. I still have full access to our checking account and will be paying the bills until the divorce is finalized. We will have to get new separate checking accounts because we are not able to take just one name off of it according to our bank. We will need to get all of our automatic payment stuff worked out. He’s at the park with my daughter right now and he said he will come to see her on Saturday after he gets off of work.

Jessica
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You will be in my prayers.
 
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