Did my wife want me or what was in 50 Shades Of Grey?

[mini_me640]

Great, maybe he can get some bondage stuff and grind his boot into her face and see if she likes it.



Sometimes women can be so … (edited). Look, if he was loving her before, and their sexual embrace was unitive and procreative, don’t you see that trying to imitate a PORN NOVEL is going to take them into sinful territory? If my husband suddenly came home and told me, “Honey, take this whip and pretend to hit me with it, I think that is so exciting,” I would be calling a shrink immediately, and probably planning a separation because that is NOT the person I married. Something is wrong when normal, loving sex is not enough to please a person, but she gets turned on by PERVERSION.

Please back off of the sarcasm and hyperbole. I am not suggesting they (or anyone) delve into BDSM. I’m just saying if she was turned on by these books, she might be wishing he would be more aggressive in the bedroom. Maybe less gentle caressing and more hair pulling. It would be the same in reverse, if he was turned on by lace and shes usually sporting cotton pjs, it might be a good idea for her to don a lace nightgown for a change. Or if he was too rough sexually, and she was turned on by a sweet romantic approach, it might be time for some rose petals…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Please back off of the sarcasm and hyperbole. I am not suggesting they (or anyone) delve into BDSM. I’m just saying if she was turned on by these books, she might be wishing he would be more aggressive in the bedroom. Maybe less gentle caressing and more hair pulling. It would be the same in reverse, if he was turned on by lace and shes usually sporting cotton pjs, it might be a good idea for her to don a lace nightgown for a change. Or if he was too rough sexually, and she was turned on by a sweet romantic approach, it might be time for some rose petals…

Hair pulling???

I’m not being sarcastic nor hyperbolic. Using a porn novel, one that includes BONDAGE and PAIN, to improve one’s sex life is NOT a good idea. If a woman can’t enjoy a loving embrace, she’s got problems and needs therapy.

 

[akela135]

Great, maybe he can get some bondage stuff and grind his boot into her face and see if she likes it.



Sometimes women can be so … (edited). Look, if he was loving her before, and their sexual embrace was unitive and procreative, don’t you see that trying to imitate a PORN NOVEL is going to take them into sinful territory? If my husband suddenly came home and told me, “Honey, take this whip and pretend to hit me with it, I think that is so exciting,” I would be calling a shrink immediately, and probably planning a separation because that is NOT the person I married. Something is wrong when normal, loving sex is not enough to please a person, but she gets turned on by PERVERSION.

I have to agree with this. I was once on a first date with a guy I had known casually for about a month and he told me that he was into the BDSM scene and had fantasies about tying me up and cutting me. I left right then and there and haven’t spoken to him since.

Now obviously I don’t think anyone would jump into a relationship like that but those people started somewhere. I’d be pretty worried what road one would be starting down if one mimicked the type of behavior in this book. Where does one cross the line from “harmless fun” to “dangerous behavior”?

To the OP, I think some woman read these types of books because they like remembering back to when the relationship was new and they were first discovering their spouse and how exciting that was. Perhaps she was feeling that way and reading about this other character discover a new relationship made her want to “rediscover” her relationship with you?

 

[ShanaA1984]

Great, maybe he can get some bondage stuff and grind his boot into her face and see if she likes it.



Sometimes women can be so … (edited). Look, if he was loving her before, and their sexual embrace was unitive and procreative, don’t you see that trying to imitate a PORN NOVEL is going to take them into sinful territory? If my husband suddenly came home and told me, “Honey, take this whip and pretend to hit me with it, I think that is so exciting,” I would be calling a shrink immediately, and probably planning a separation because that is NOT the person I married. Something is wrong when normal, loving sex is not enough to please a person, but she gets turned on by PERVERSION.

One does not need to break out the whips and chains to be aggresive in the bedroom . One can be more forceful and say exactly what one wants and still be romantice and loving about it as well.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I am always the one the pursued her for sex before she read these books. I would get turned down almost all the time. While she was reading them she was all over me, and it was great. But, now she stopped and when I try to get intimate with her I get denied. That is the reason I feel that she wanted to be with or treated like whatever happens in the books. I asked her why we went from a lot of sex a few weeks ago to none now, and if it was the book. She said it was not the book, I don’t believe her.

Forget about the book. Seriously. You have much bigger issues in your marriage than a poorly-written piece of popular fiction.

You and your wife need to tone up your communication skills, for one thing. You need a skill set that will enable you to approach your wife with your dissatisfaction with the sex life you currently have before you get completely burned out in the ‘pursue-and-reject’ paradigm that you’re currently operating in . And your wife needs to be empowered enough that she can approach you when she’s feeling sexual; she shouldn’t need to use a book for permission to ‘be all over’ you.

You two also needs to work on trust issues. The fact that you asked your wife a relatively straightforward question and you don’t believe her answer is a huge red flag. Huge.

Communication skills and trust. These two things are biggies, AugustineFan.

You have a choice. You can fixate on a piece of fiction and blame your marital dissatisfaction on that. God knows there are lots of people on this forum who’d love to help you while away the hours railing against pornography for women. It will be entertaining, but it won’t help your marriage.

Or, you can do the much harder work of figuring out how you can work with your wife at adding to your marital communication toolbox. And you can figure out how you can help your wife become more sexually expressive on her own without the crutch of a book, movie, item of clothing, whatever. And you can get to the bottom of why you can’t believe your wife when she answers your pretty simple yes/no question.

The choice is yours.

Luna

 

[mini_me640]

One does not need to break out the whips and chains to be aggresive in the bedroom . One can be more forceful and say exactly what one wants and still be romantice and loving about it as well.

Thank you this is what I was trying to convey!

 

[Armor_of_Light]

…as long as s/he eats at home? the Gospel message is this: lust in your heart is already a sin.

The “old saying” and the Gospel message are in direct opposition to each other.

As for 50 Shades, it’s porn. A nd apparently quite powerful. A most notabe anecdote : a younger brother of a friend of mine ( he’s in his 20s) is very promiscuous. Because my friend commented to his post on facebook, his original post came on my page. He wrote, " since ive been reading 50 Shades, im like a machine. So are the women. I havent stopped *%@# ing since i opened the book. Bring on a Thousand Shades!!!))"

Custody of the eyes. Avoiding the occasion of sin. Forming one’s conscience. A lot of Catholics dont even know what this means anymore.

I do…Thank God.
The scourge of porn for women. Equal opportunity.

 

[austenbosten]

Forget about the book. Seriously. You have much bigger issues in your marriage than a poorly-written piece of popular fiction.

You and your wife need to tone up your communication skills, for one thing. You need a skill set that will enable you to approach your wife with your dissatisfaction with the sex life you currently have before you get completely burned out in the ‘pursue-and-reject’ paradigm that you’re currently operating in . And your wife needs to be empowered enough that she can approach you when she’s feeling sexual; she shouldn’t need to use a book for permission to ‘be all over’ you.

You two also needs to work on trust issues. The fact that you asked your wife a relatively straightforward question and you don’t believe her answer is a huge red flag. Huge.

Communication skills and trust. These two things are biggies, AugustineFan.

You have a choice. You can fixate on a piece of fiction and blame your marital dissatisfaction on that. God knows there are lots of people on this forum who’d love to help you while away the hours railing against pornography for women. It will be entertaining, but it won’t help your marriage.

Or, you can do the much harder work of figuring out how you can work with your wife at adding to your marital communication toolbox. And you can figure out how you can help your wife become more sexually expressive on her own without the crutch of a book, movie, item of clothing, whatever. And you can get to the bottom of why you can’t believe your wife when she answers your pretty simple yes/no question.

The choice is yours.

Luna

I agree, I’m not married but I know women are not turned on by a guy who doesn’t take the initiative. Be aggressive emotionally not physically. It seems to me she doesn’t want physical aggressiveness as much as she wants a man who’s not afraid to take charge.

Why let some pornographic book end a great week of sex? Are you waiting for her to initiate the intimacy? Don’t, initiate it yourself. Stop being just a nice husband who does all the chores and start being a husband who expects a great sex life without pornographic novels as crutches. Your wife is not seeking dominance or some other perverted foreplay, she’s seeking assertiveness. Take off the apron and put on the caveman bear suit.

Think John Wayne, not Tony Randall.

 

[ShanaA1984]

I agree, I’m not married but I know women are not turned on by a guy who doesn’t take the initiative. Be aggressive emotionally not physically. It seems to me she doesn’t want physical aggressiveness as much as she wants a man who’s not afraid to take charge.

Why let some pornographic book end a great week of sex? Are you waiting for her to initiate the intimacy? Don’t, initiate it yourself. Stop being just a nice husband who does all the chores and start being a husband who expects a great sex life without pornographic novels as crutches. Your wife is not seeking dominance or some other perverted foreplay, she’s seeking assertiveness. Take off the apron and put on the caveman bear suit.

Think John Wayne, not Tony Randall.

Totally agree here :yup:

 

[mini_me640]

Hair pulling???

I’m not being sarcastic nor hyperbolic. Using a porn novel, one that includes BONDAGE and PAIN, to improve one’s sex life is NOT a good idea. If a woman can’t enjoy a loving embrace, she’s got problems and needs therapy.

I am not in any way suggesting that the OP’s wife or anyone should use porn or erotica to improve their sex lives. The OPs wife has already read the books and it seems clear that something about them was sexually arousing for her. Since the books are apparently about a very extreme brand of aggressive, male dominated sex, and they struck a chord with her, it seems she is aroused by the prospect of a more aggressive approach to foreplay and/or sex. So I am saying it might benefit their sex life for the OP to be more aggressive sexually, not in a way meant to cause pain, but in a way that he comes across in a more dominant way, since that seems to be exciting for her.

RJ I’m a bit puzzled by your shock at the hair pulling comment. When I had my own thread about communicating my desire to my husband about wishing he was more “caveman” in the bedroom, you had lots of great advice and even joked about him dragging me by the hair to the bedroom…

 

[austenbosten]

Totally agree here :yup:

Stop agreeing with me

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am not in any way suggesting that the OP’s wife or anyone should use porn or erotica to improve their sex lives. The OPs wife has already read the books and it seems clear that something about them was sexually arousing for her. Since the books are apparently about a very extreme brand of aggressive, male dominated sex, and they struck a chord with her, it seems she is aroused by the prospect of a more aggressive approach to foreplay and/or sex. So I am saying it might benefit their sex life for the OP to be more aggressive sexually, not in a way meant to cause pain, but in a way that he comes across in a more dominant way, since that seems to be exciting for her.

RJ I’m a bit puzzled by your shock at the hair pulling comment. When I had my own thread about communicating my desire to my husband about wishing he was more “caveman” in the bedroom, you had lots of great advice and even joked about him dragging me by the hair to the bedroom…

That was a JOKE! It wasn’t mean literally! If someone truly wanted to have their hair pulled, that would be inflicting PAIN intentionally. Did you honestly think I mean that your husband should pull you by the hair into the bedroom??

I was responding to your posts, not this bondage/porn fanfiction piece of trash. If you are into bondage/discipline, count me out of your support system.

 

[ShanaA1984]

Stop agreeing with me

I can’t help it. When I see something that makes sense to me I have t agree with it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree, I’m not married but I know women are not turned on by a guy who doesn’t take the initiative. Be aggressive emotionally not physically. It seems to me she doesn’t want physical aggressiveness as much as she wants a man who’s not afraid to take charge.

Why let some pornographic book end a great week of sex? Are you waiting for her to initiate the intimacy? Don’t, initiate it yourself. Stop being just a nice husband who does all the chores and start being a husband who expects a great sex life without pornographic novels as crutches. Your wife is not seeking dominance or some other perverted foreplay, she’s seeking assertiveness. Take off the apron and put on the caveman bear suit.

Think John Wayne, not Tony Randall.

Yeah, that’s not easy for a man to do when he’s been rejected over and over and over…Women don’t know how much power they actually have over their husbands…We can neuter them by rejection.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I agree, I’m not married but I know women are not turned on by a guy who doesn’t take the initiative. Be aggressive emotionally not physically. It seems to me she doesn’t want physical aggressiveness as much as she wants a man who’s not afraid to take charge.

Why let some pornographic book end a great week of sex? Are you waiting for her to initiate the intimacy? Don’t, initiate it yourself. Stop being just a nice husband who does all the chores and start being a husband who expects a great sex life without pornographic novels as crutches. Your wife is not seeking dominance or some other perverted foreplay, she’s seeking assertiveness. Take off the apron and put on the caveman bear suit.

Think John Wayne, not Tony Randall.

Off topic but Tony Randall’s widow is significantly younger than he was (about 50 years younger). They seemed to be a very loving couple, they had two children together.

It was his second marriage. He was widowed the first time around.

So he must have had something going for him.

 

[austenbosten]

Off topic but Tony Randall’s widow is significantly younger than he was (about 50 years younger). They seemed to be a very loving couple, they had two children together.

It was his second marriage. He was widowed the first time around.

So he must have had something going for him.

No no no…I was talking about the characters they play.

Tony Randall played Felix Ungar the best and ungar was the epitome of a beta male. He let his wife walk all over him.

 

[austenbosten]

Yeah, that’s not easy for a man to do when he’s been rejected over and over and over…Women don’t know how much power they actually have over their husbands…We can neuter them by rejection.

Actually I found that I’ve been rejected more when I played “nice guy” so I don’t know what you’re talking about. I agree wives do have power over their husbands, but that’s because the husband either surrenders their power over to the wife, or never had it in the first place.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No no no…I was talking about the characters they play.

Tony Randall played Felix Ungar the best and ungar was the epitome of a beta male. He let his wife walk all over him.

I thought Tony Randall’s character was gay?

 

[mini_me640]

Actually I found that I’ve been rejected more when I played “nice guy” so I don’t know what you’re talking about. I agree wives do have power over their husbands, but that’s because the husband either surrenders their power over to the wife, or never had it in the first place.

I agree with your point, but I think RJ was saying that it can be tough for a guy to be aggressive sexually when they fear that they are just going to be rejected again.

 

[ShanaA1984]

the husband either surrenders their power over to the wife, or never had it in the first place.

I find the above far to common in the dating scene lately not to mention with all my friends who are married and simply walk all over their husbands. When I date (and hopefully marry someday) a man I want them to be just that a MAN.