DIL Cheating on my son, and he's ok with it!?

  • Thread starter Thread starter TinyTina
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

TinyTina

Guest
To make a long story short, my youngest son caught my eldest son’s wife out with another man. Apparently it was pretty obvious that they weren’t just friends. My youngest didn’t think he was seen, but he was, because 30 minutes later he got a call from his brother “explaining” the situation.

He didn’t delve into too many details, but he did say that he knows the guy, likes him, and knows what they were up to. He explained that she has been allowed to have flings, one night stands, and casual relationships for years. He says he doesn’t mind at all and that it makes their marriage better for her to be “fulfilled” and do her own thing sometimes. When I talked to him about it later, I asked if he did the same. He said no, but that he doesn’t want to and if he did she would be open to at least discussing it. But for now at least, that isn’t the “dynamic” they have.

I am disgusted, hurt for my son, and filled with rage towards his wife, though he insists that I don’t treat her any differently. I don’t get it, for the last 10 years they have truly seemed like the perfect couple in every way. I am just so confused, horrified, and distraught.

Any advice and/or prayers would be so greatly appreciated.
 
I’ll be praying… just hang in there and keep your faith in God
 
TinyTina said:
To make a long story short, my youngest son caught my eldest son’s wife out with another man. Apparently it was pretty obvious that they weren’t just friends. My youngest didn’t think he was seen, but he was, because 30 minutes later he got a call from his brother “explaining” the situation.

He didn’t delve into too many details, but he did say that he knows the guy, likes him, and knows what they were up to. He explained that she has been allowed to have flings, one night stands, and casual relationships for years. He says he doesn’t mind at all and that it makes their marriage better for her to be “fulfilled” and do her own thing sometimes. When I talked to him about it later, I asked if he did the same. He said no, but that he doesn’t want to and if he did she would be open to at least discussing it. But for now at least, that isn’t the “dynamic” they have.

I am disgusted, hurt for my son, and filled with rage towards his wife, though he insists that I don’t treat her any differently. I don’t get it, for the last 10 years they have truly seemed like the perfect couple in every way. I am just so confused, horrified, and distraught.

Any advice and/or prayers would be so greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
It’s possible that your eldest son actually enjoys this situation, rather than just tolerating it.

So, I wouldn’t assume (without further information) that this is all your DIL’s doing.
 
Xantippe said:
It’s possible that your eldest son actually enjoys this situation, rather than just tolerating it.

So, I wouldn’t assume (without further information) that this is all your DIL’s doing.
Click to expand...
My first thought upon reading this was that the son/couple has a cuckold fetish. That he came forward so quickly and didn’t offer too many details makes me think that this is a sexual game to them.

That said, I have no earthly idea how to process this as a mother. I think that if it were my son, I’d be filled with the same horror, rage, and hurt regardless of whether or not he liked the situation. That’s only natural, but it will make for awkward family gatherings.
 
There will be numerous paternity issues and health concerns. It could be a very deadly lifestyle, for the soul and the body.
 
Go visit the Trolls from “Frozen” and ask if they can give you a joyful lobotomy too.
 
How did you find out? Brother went around talking about it? Look, I wouldn’t be ok with hubby dating other people and I don’t feel like this is good in anyway, BUT it’s their choice and they seem fine with it. It really isn’t brother’s business to run to mom and tell her that other brother is in an unconventional marriage. And all parties not in the relationship should stay out of it. Pray for them and hope everything works out.
 
TinyTina said:
To make a long story short, my youngest son caught my eldest son’s wife out with another man. Apparently it was pretty obvious that they weren’t just friends. My youngest didn’t think he was seen, but he was, because 30 minutes later he got a call from his brother “explaining” the situation.

He didn’t delve into too many details, but he did say that he knows the guy, likes him, and knows what they were up to. He explained that she has been allowed to have flings, one night stands, and casual relationships for years. He says he doesn’t mind at all and that it makes their marriage better for her to be “fulfilled” and do her own thing sometimes. When I talked to him about it later, I asked if he did the same. He said no, but that he doesn’t want to and if he did she would be open to at least discussing it. But for now at least, that isn’t the “dynamic” they have.

I am disgusted, hurt for my son, and filled with rage towards his wife, though he insists that I don’t treat her any differently. I don’t get it, for the last 10 years they have truly seemed like the perfect couple in every way. I am just so confused, horrified, and distraught.

Any advice and/or prayers would be so greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
I would ask this…are they practicing Catholics?

In Europe for example, such “liberated” marriages are not that uncommon and have been so for many years. Yes, from God’s eyes, it is an abomination. Pray for them.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
How did you find out? Brother went around talking about it? Look, I wouldn’t be ok with hubby dating other people and I don’t feel like this is good in anyway, BUT it’s their choice and they seem fine with it. It really isn’t brother’s business to run to mom and tell her that other brother is in an unconventional marriage. And all parties not in the relationship should stay out of it. Pray for them and hope everything works out.
Click to expand...
Yes, my younger son told me. I know that a case could be made that he shouldn’t have, but he is a very young 23 year old and he was very upset and confused when he saw and heard this. He came to me more for advice and guidance than to tattle or gossip.

To answer the other questions: no, they are not practicing Catholics. They were not married in the church and they don’t believe in god.

And as for my husband, he’s livid. Though he’ll probably calm down, right now he’s saying that our DIL is no longer welcome with our family. I’m afraid his anger will push our son away and cause a rift in the family. And my son and DIL do have two kids. It breaks my heart to think of what this could do to them.
 
TinyTina said:
Yes, my younger son told me. I know that a case could be made that he shouldn’t have, but he is a very young 23 year old and he was very upset and confused when he saw and heard this. He came to me more for advice and guidance than to tattle or gossip.

To answer the other questions: no, they are not practicing Catholics. They were not married in the church and they don’t believe in god.

And as for my husband, he’s livid. Though he’ll probably calm down, right now he’s saying that our DIL is no longer welcome with our family. I’m afraid his anger will push our son away and cause a rift in the family. And my son and DIL do have two kids. It breaks my heart to think of what this could do to them.
Click to expand...
This could very well have been your son’s idea initially rather than DIL.
 
Well, I feel for you, but honestly, if they have no faith, then I’m not surprised. What would be in place to make them believe that this is not something to play around with?
They’ve made their decision. It’s very bad, yes.
They are modeling immorality for their children, but I’ll bet they say the kids know nothing about it.
I think prayer is the only way. For you. They’re not going to pray. It will mess up their “lifestyle”,
I would caution your hubs in his thinking it’s all her fault. Clearly the son is OK with it. Why not have him speak to his son directly? A DIL is not going to take your words to heart, if her husband doesn’t care.
Pray. Pray hard.
 
Xantippe said:
This could very well have been your son’s idea initially rather than DIL.
Click to expand...
Yes, at any rate the son is “fine” with it. I wonder why all the anger at the DIL? The son chooses this distortion. But with no God and a society that cannot even understand if marriage is between a man and a woman and contraceptive sex. This will end badly…

I feel for the OP. I cannot imagine the embarrassment but most of all the hurt of raising a child and having them turn out so warped. As A parent I pray that I can only imagine what it feels like.

Prayers to all involved.

And to the OP. There needs to be some discussion about medical safety here.
 
Many years ago, I had a good friend who married a delightful, kind and well-educated man. I lost touch with her and years later, bumped into them both in the street. She told me with great delight that she had been buying a new outfit as she was seeing a new man that evening. Her husband was standing next to her, smiling. I must have looked confused because he said “I’m fine about it, I like it” or words to that effect. It was their normal lifestyle.

So it does happen. It must be very upsetting for you to have found out about all of this, but as your son and DIL are not ‘religious’ people, your primary concerns about the situation will probably not resonate with them.

It’s very sad that they’ve chosen this way of life - all you can do is pray for them. With respect, I don’t personally think that banning anyone from your home will help.
 
TinyTina said:
Yes, my younger son told me. I know that a case could be made that he shouldn’t have, but he is a very young 23 year old and he was very upset and confused when he saw and heard this. He came to me more for advice and guidance than to tattle or gossip.

To answer the other questions: no, they are not practicing Catholics. They were not married in the church and they don’t believe in god.

And as for my husband, he’s livid. Though he’ll probably calm down, right now he’s saying that our DIL is no longer welcome with our family. I’m afraid his anger will push our son away and cause a rift in the family. And my son and DIL do have two kids. It breaks my heart to think of what this could do to them.
Click to expand...
It is quite possible those two kids have a father they do not know.
 
TinyTina said:
Yes, my younger son told me. I know that a case could be made that he shouldn’t have, but he is a very young 23 year old and he was very upset and confused when he saw and heard this. He came to me more for advice and guidance than to tattle or gossip.

To answer the other questions: no, they are not practicing Catholics. They were not married in the church and they don’t believe in god.

And as for my husband, he’s livid. Though he’ll probably calm down, right now he’s saying that our DIL is no longer welcome with our family. I’m afraid his anger will push our son away and cause a rift in the family. And my son and DIL do have two kids. It breaks my heart to think of what this could do to them.
Click to expand...
I will keep my answer secular, since this couple does not recognize divine law.

Your son is “OK” with it? Well, whoop-dee-do, does he think this makes it all OK? The mother of your grandchildren is brazenly cheating with other men, all with the tolerance of your son. Of course your husband is livid. On behalf of the grandchildren, if nothing else, of course he is livid. Put yourself in the place of those children, when they are old enough to grasp this situation. Don’t you want to throw up? Literally, put yourself in their place. It literally makes one want to vomit. Either that, or it makes one think that it is normal for a human being in an erotic mood to show all the loyalty and self-control of a dog in heat.

If it were my son, I’d tell him just that. Then I’d talk to him about getting some counselling concerning why it is OK with him that his wife and the mother of his children is off being unfaithful with other men. The low esteem in which the two of them treat the relationship that produced their children is shocking and disgusting. (Actually, I’d probably have his father explain this to him.)

What son wants to think that his mother is off sleeping with other men, just for the pleasure of it? What kind of low regard for his father would it have to take for their son to be OK with it? What kind of promiscuity can these parents expect in their daughter when she is a teen, when her own mother has been flaunting her promiscuity in front of her husband’s family and the whole town for years? Is that what your son wants, for his daughter to go sleeping around on her boyfriends like your DIL is sleeping around on him? Is that what he wants to teach her is normal? Even boyfriends and girlfriends going steady expect more respect than that. When a husband does not expect it, something is extremely wrong with him.

I would not let him try to talk me out of that stance. Yes, her disgusting and demeaning treatment of your son is going to have repercussions on your relationship with her, just as surely as if he let her throw fits and throw dishes at him and beat on his body, instead of just assaulting his dignity and the dignity of their marriage. As for him, I would feel a lot of pity for him, not reassurance. It is a show of contempt not the least bit better than putting him down by calling him names and making contemptuous remarks about his character. And no, those things are not made “OK” just because she’d allow him to abuse her human dignity, too. His is not the attitude of a person with healthy self-regard.
 
EasterJoy said:
I will keep my answer secular, since this couple does not recognize divine law.

Your son is “OK” with it? Well, whoop-dee-do, does he think this makes it all OK? The mother of your grandchildren is brazenly cheating with other men, all with the tolerance of your son. Of course your husband is livid. On behalf of the grandchildren, if nothing else, of course he is livid. Put yourself in the place of those children, when they are old enough to grasp this situation. Don’t you want to throw up? Literally, put yourself in their place. It literally makes one want to vomit. Either that, or it makes one think that it is normal for a human being in an erotic mood to show all the loyalty and self-control of a dog in heat.

If it were my son, I’d tell him just that. Then I’d talk to him about getting some counselling concerning why it is OK with him that his wife and the mother of his children is off being unfaithful with other men. The low esteem in which the two of them treat the relationship that produced their children is shocking and disgusting. (Actually, I’d probably have his father explain this to him.)

What son wants to think that his mother is off sleeping with other men, just for the pleasure of it? What kind of low regard for his father would it have to take for their son to be OK with it? What kind of promiscuity can these parents expect in their daughter when she is a teen, when her own mother has been flaunting her promiscuity in front of her husband’s family and the whole town for years? Is that what your son wants, for his daughter to go sleeping around on her boyfriends like your DIL is sleeping around on him? Is that what he wants to teach her is normal? Even boyfriends and girlfriends going steady expect more respect than that. When a husband does not expect it, something is extremely wrong with him.
Click to expand...
Somehow, I don’t think that that is going to be a helpful angle to take.

But heck if I know what might be more convincing.
 
JamalChristophr said:
Break out the rosary.
Click to expand...
Yes! Only the grace of the Lord can calm you, and change their circumstances. Prayer changes things.

When feelings of anger and resentment come, look to our Lord Jesus Christ and Blessed Mother with trust.
 
Xantippe said:
Somehow, I don’t think that that is going to be a helpful angle to take.

But heck if I know what might be more convincing.
Click to expand...
Helpful? I don’t know what is going to be helpful. I just know that when my grandson got to be sixteen and found out about this himself, I don’t want him to find out I just sat by and sat on my hands and acted like it was A-OK with me if his mom had been cuckolding his dad–my son!!–with the whole family’s tacit permission since the boy was little more than a toddler.

No, I’d consider it my duty to the grandchildren to speak up in a way that they are too young to do for themselves. They would want someone to speak up and say, “This is just wrong, and your children deserve better from you. I mean both of you.” At least, I know I would. Whatever happened, I wouldn’t blame it on my grandparents for speaking on my behalf. This is not a job for either the silent treatment or for gracefully butting out in order to allow someone “live his own life.” The grandchildren are not going to blame their grandparents for refusing to act as if the situation is acceptable. Maybe to maintain social ties in spite of it, but no one would blame them for refusing to accept it.

It is not as if they live in a social circle where this is some twisted norm that everybody winks at. Even in our times, this is emotional abuse. It is demeaning. It is intolerable. It cannot be accepted or ignored. Not only should no one have to put up with it, but no one should *allow himself *to put up with it, not any more than he should allow her to put bruises on him when she loses her temper.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top