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rayne89
Guest
As an adoptee thank you for that.
- Status
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estesbob
Guest
You are welcome! The other phrase that drives me up the wall is "Give your child up for adoption "!!! The prefered language is place your child for adoption.As an adoptee thank you for that.
When I apporached adoption minded youn g women always stressed that they had a unique opposrtunity to help God fulfill his plan for a childless couple.
J
joandarc2008
Guest
How do open adoptions fit in with this then? My dh is part of one with his parents and his daughter. She still calls dad, dad. In the catechism it says that the we should honor thy father and mother the ones who gave life. If parents are still involved in the picture then isn’t giving other people the title Mom and Dad kind of confusing and disrespectful? Granted I think in this situation it smarts because it was manipulated and not freely given whereas with the women you talk of it was freely given.
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yellowdaisy
Guest
When I apporached adoption minded youn g women always stressed that they had a unique opposrtunity to help God fulfill his plan for a childless couple.
Quoted from estesbob.See you see this as wonderful, where as, for MANY young women who have placed for adoption, this is a type of subtle coersion to get them to place, rather than to be a single parent. Adoption IS NOT always the best option-- sometimes single parenting is! There is a whole population of people out in the world who feel “preyed upon” by well intentioned words like yours. You are probably unaware of it, but it is a community I am deeply embroiled in.
Which brings me to my next point. My daughter was NOT my daughter when she was placed with me. She was Jennifer’s daughter. She was Jennifer’s daughter right up until the legal terminations were signed, and she CONTINUES to be Jennifer’s daughter. The difference is that now she is ALSO my daughter.
My daughter has TWO VALID MOTHERS. We have an open adoption, which statistically is in the best interest of the child. Children from open, honest adoptions are less likely to struggle fitting in, less likely to have attachment disorders, less likely to suffer from mental health problems, and MORE likely to have lasting, healthy relationships in their lives. In order to be part of an open adoption, you REALLY must acknowledge that your child is NOT a child you birthed. Pretending I gave birth to my daughter does us ALL a disservice. It diminishes her natural mother’s role in bringing her life, and it diminshes any feelings she may have about her biological family/heritage.
I am raising her. She is my daughter now. But she started out Jennifer’s daughter, and she will REMAIN Jennifer’s daughter until the day she dies. God put her in Jennifer’s womb-- not in mine. JENNIFER is the one who placed her with us.
A lot of this mindset, quite honestly, has to do with a person’s age. I mean aboslutely no disrespect, but people involved in adoptions from the 1950-1990’s have a VERY difficult time accepting the fact that you can not erase a child’s biological heritage, simply by loving them enough.
Trying to explain open adoption, and validation of all the parents in a child’s life, is kind of like beating your head against the wall. Media and pro-adoption propaganda (plus the anti-abortion people, of which I am one) tend to paint adoption in light that is ONLY positive, and frankly, completely false.
It’s wonderful that you counseled pregnant women to place for adoption. I wonder, were you employed by an adoption agency? One who stood to profit by training you to sasy certain things that might subtley coerce women to place, instead of to explore parenting? Pregnant women are NOT “birthparents” until they sign paperwork after the baby is born. Until that point, they should be treated as any other pregnant woman would be treated-- with love, respect and support to help them parent if parenting is what they want to try to do!
For every adult adoptee out there who is happy with their adoption and thinks the system is perfect, I’ll find you one who’s spirit was BROKEN by the adoption industry (and yes, it IS an industry, one that generates profit in many cases).
My point with all of this information is that in order to minimize the broken spirits, the people who are engaging in adoption need to BARE MINIMUM TRULY DESIRE TO DO SO! If BARE MINIMUM you dont truly desire to adopt, you just shouldnt be doing it. It’s too risky for the child.
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joandarc2008
Guest
Still looking for the facebook “like this” button.
I found not only did my stepdaughter, my MIL and I all do better with each other when we understood this but my dsd did better with herself. It says in the catechism that the relationship that a child has with her father who gave life will mirror the relationship the child has with God. Obviously, when there is no respect for a biological father who is trying to be a part of that child’s life who is trying to be a Godly influence than that can cause many issues and then well there comes the logical secession.
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estesbob
Guest
I worked as a** volunteer** for a CPC dealing mostly with young women who were contemplating abortion. It sounds like you have issueswith your adoption-I am sorry to hear that. in most of the adoptions I was involved with the birth Mother quickly disapeared from the lives of the child they placed for adoption.
When one adopts they are raising “thier"child”.
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opdsgt
Guest
Honestly, I find your response mean spirited and inconsiderate.
Many people have suffered harder lives than I, but that doesn’t change the fact not a scintilla of my childhood experience did anything to encourage a paternal instinct.
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yellowdaisy
Guest
I worked as a volunteer for a CPC dealing mostly with young women who were contemplating abortion. It sounds like you have issueswith your adoption-I am sorry to hear that. in most of the adoptions I was involved with the birth Mother quickly disapeared from the lives of the child they placed for adoption.
It’s very common for people to say that “we” (the proponants of adoption ethics and open adoption) have issues with our situations. We actually are NOT the people who are in unhealthy situations! Our children wont have questions, or feelings of abandonment, or empty holes they cannot fill! Our children KNOW they are loved by EVERYONE in their life (including those who birthed them!), because they get to hear it every day! My daughter gets to hear her natural mother tell her how much she loves her! She doesnt have to wonder if she was the product of consent or rape. She doesnt have to wonder why she was placed-- she’ll always know!
I do agree that placing is better than abortion (of course), but did you know taht statistically the women who palce for adoption would never consider abortion anyway? That in acutality, there is VERY little overlap in these two populations?
Did you know that MOST women in the US who place for adoption are in their 20s, caucasian, have at least SOME college education, and are practicing Christians?
Frankly there are LOT of stereotypes about adoption that are just untrue. I know, personally, about 15 women who have released children for adoption. They never “move on” or “forget” or “disappear” like you see on TV.Many of them truly regret their decision to place their child, because, a few years out, they see that they C OULD have parented their children, and very sucessfully~! But at the time, they didnt know what to do. Many of them now feel they were coerced by adoption professionals, who were probably well intentioned, but sadly misinformed.
I have to step out of this conversation. It is a very emotional topic for me. I would be happy to asnwer any quesitons anyone might have about adoption in the United States, and to direct you to concrete resources to support the assertions I have made. The fact is that the adoption industy SHOULD be child-focused. And in the US, it just isnt. It’s Adoptive Parent focused-- if you can pay the money, even if you dont REALLY want to do it, they’ll approve you (barring any criminal history). And sadly, many, MANY adoptive parents think they are getting into something much simpler, and think that they can love a child enough to overcome anything. There’s an entire generation of adult adoptees who will tell you (if you ask!) that this is just not the case.
Theres a book out there called “10 thinks Adopted Kids WishTheir Parents Knew”. It’s a great read and very eye opening. Also you could try “I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla”.
When one adopts they are raising “thier"child”.
Why do you see it as a positive that the natural mother would so quickly disappear from the life of the child they placed?!It’s very common for people to say that “we” (the proponants of adoption ethics and open adoption) have issues with our situations. We actually are NOT the people who are in unhealthy situations! Our children wont have questions, or feelings of abandonment, or empty holes they cannot fill! Our children KNOW they are loved by EVERYONE in their life (including those who birthed them!), because they get to hear it every day! My daughter gets to hear her natural mother tell her how much she loves her! She doesnt have to wonder if she was the product of consent or rape. She doesnt have to wonder why she was placed-- she’ll always know!
I do agree that placing is better than abortion (of course), but did you know taht statistically the women who palce for adoption would never consider abortion anyway? That in acutality, there is VERY little overlap in these two populations?
Did you know that MOST women in the US who place for adoption are in their 20s, caucasian, have at least SOME college education, and are practicing Christians?
Frankly there are LOT of stereotypes about adoption that are just untrue. I know, personally, about 15 women who have released children for adoption. They never “move on” or “forget” or “disappear” like you see on TV.Many of them truly regret their decision to place their child, because, a few years out, they see that they C OULD have parented their children, and very sucessfully~! But at the time, they didnt know what to do. Many of them now feel they were coerced by adoption professionals, who were probably well intentioned, but sadly misinformed.
I have to step out of this conversation. It is a very emotional topic for me. I would be happy to asnwer any quesitons anyone might have about adoption in the United States, and to direct you to concrete resources to support the assertions I have made. The fact is that the adoption industy SHOULD be child-focused. And in the US, it just isnt. It’s Adoptive Parent focused-- if you can pay the money, even if you dont REALLY want to do it, they’ll approve you (barring any criminal history). And sadly, many, MANY adoptive parents think they are getting into something much simpler, and think that they can love a child enough to overcome anything. There’s an entire generation of adult adoptees who will tell you (if you ask!) that this is just not the case.
Theres a book out there called “10 thinks Adopted Kids WishTheir Parents Knew”. It’s a great read and very eye opening. Also you could try “I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla”.
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estesbob
Guest
The experience of adoptive parents i have dealt with are very , different than what you have descibed.
I did not say it ws a good thing for the birty mother to bow out-just that it was the most commn situation in the adoptuive parents i have dealt with.
I am disapointed that you chose to PM the OP with your insights rather tha share them with the group-he may feel that what you are describing is the norm when others may very well feel from personal experience it is not.
You see to be bitter about the whole thing-your first reaction to me was that i had somehow “profited” from my dealings with Pregnant teens. This is not true-in fact in most cases it was concetrated attempt of many of us to keep them from aborting their child. Neither of us shoud make the assumption that our personal experineces are what the OP should rely on.
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JustAnotherThou
Guest
As an adoptee I will have to say this is the WORST book EVER written about adoption!!!
YD, I agree on a lot of what you say, although adoption is not black and white, not every adoption is the same or should be treated the same. I don’t have time to go into my thoughts right now, although it is not always clear cut. I am also a HUGE supporter of open adoptions.
My advice to anyone is don’t waste your money on the above book and if you do read it, read it with a HUGE grain of salt!!! HORRIBLE HORRIBLE book IMHO
ETA: I do recommend Dr. Ray’s book Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It
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JustAnotherThou
Guest
Thing is only one person in this marriage is dead set against adopting, the other one isn’t. I am guessing that since they didn’t talk about it prior to marriage his wife didn’t know of him being dead set against adoption. Not sure about the marriage prep that they went through when they married, although I do believe that there were many questions about children that if the OP and his wife knew that there was a chance that they wouldn’t be able to have children of their own as he stated on either the 1st or 2nd page, then it should have prompted them to discuss adoption. Just wondering if she knew of his prejudice against non-biological children when she married him
If she did then yes she knew who she was marrying, but what if she believed he would be open to adoption and then come to find out years later he isn’t.
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Claymont79
Guest
We had 7 between us when we married. As they grew up and left the nest, I felt that longing for a little one. We decided to adopt and got 2 great kids from Guatemala simply because at that time I was intimidated by open adoptions.
After another 5-6 years I got the baby itch again so we decided to foster and were adamant that we would not be adopting at this stage. That was 5 years ago and now we have fostered more than 40 kids and adopted 3. The best intentions tend to go awry no matter what you plan.
I would foster if I were you to see how the parenting gene kicks in, there are plenty of kids needing temporary parents and it can go into permanency when you least expect it to.
After another 5-6 years I got the baby itch again so we decided to foster and were adamant that we would not be adopting at this stage. That was 5 years ago and now we have fostered more than 40 kids and adopted 3. The best intentions tend to go awry no matter what you plan.
I would foster if I were you to see how the parenting gene kicks in, there are plenty of kids needing temporary parents and it can go into permanency when you least expect it to.
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opdsgt
Guest
For the record, my wife and I went through FOCCUS. The facilitators remarked that we appeared to be one of the most compatible couples they had ever dealt with; this was part of a broader body of premarital training we were exposed to which involved five consecutive Saturdays in a row to complete (along with several other prospective couples).Thing is only one person in this marriage is dead set against adopting, the other one isn’t. I am guessing that since they didn’t talk about it prior to marriage his wife didn’t know of him being dead set against adoption. Not sure about the marriage prep that they went through when they married, although I do believe that there were many questions about children that if the OP and his wife knew that there was a chance that they wouldn’t be able to have children of their own as he stated on either the 1st or 2nd page, then it should have prompted them to discuss adoption. Just wondering if she knew of his prejudice against non-biological children when she married him
We discussed fertility. We were not able to conceive. About three years ago, my wife and I tried to discern adoption through Catholic Charities, Child Saving Institute, and a couple other local outfits. My wife led the way to our decision against adoption (various reasons, I won’t cite them here). While I was willing to go through with it then, I secretly breathed a sigh of relief when she decided it was all too foreboding. I thought the issue was at rest and we would work on our vocation as spouses and, perhaps, find other ways to serve the Lord.
Now adoption has come up again (hence my first post), but we’re three years older and precariously close to the cut off most agencies have in place for maximum age of adoptive parents. I no longer feel as open to move forward as I once was; the fears I had before have only been exacerbated by the time that has elapsed.
If I’m to be judged as an “child” or somehow “less than a man” or what have you, I guess that’s one of the hazards of posting to an internet discussion board. I’m not looking for anyone to affirm a decision I know I have to make for myself, but I don’t want to be condemned either.
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Just_Lurking
Guest
If she would not have married him had she known about his opposition to adoption, then the marriage might be invalid because of her defective consent. There was no problem with his consent.If she did then yes she knew who she was marrying, but what if she believed he would be open to adoption and then come to find out years later he isn’t.
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rayne89
Guest
I am 37 and am an adoptee, I never had feelings of abandonment, I have no “empty holes”. And how I was conceived has absolutely no baring at all on who I am. Not for a second would it effect me if my biological father was a rapist. Being a rapist is not a genetic trait -no chance of inheriting that. I would feel sad for my biological mother, as I would for any woman who was violated in such a way.
My mother and father are the people that raised me, that sacrificed for me, that took me to the best hospitals in world and stayed up nights making sure I didn’t die in my sleep because I was a baby with a severe, rare congenital heart defect. My heritage is German and Italian because my mother is Italian and my father is German -the parents that raised me. My parents weren’t perfect but no parents are. But they are my parents.
I am very grateful to the woman that birthed me. I am grateful to her for giving me life and having the courage to give me a two parent, mature, stable family. She saved my life twice, by not aborting me and by not keeping me. A teenage, single mother would not have had the financial resources or experience to deal with the medical problems I have that nobody even knew about until several months after I was born. I would love someday to contact her and let her know I am ok, and that she made the best choice possible for me but she is not my mother. Biologically -yes. But as an adoptee biology has very little meaning to me. Does that sound mean? Its not meant to. Those are my feelings and I have a right to them.
I’m very glad I had a closed adoption, that my sister had a closed adoption and neither one of us had “other mothers” hanging around the fringes of our lives. That our parents could parent us without the reminder that we were “other people’s children.”
My parents are now 78 & 80 and their are no two people on this planet who will ever be my mother and father except for them. And yes I feel very strongly about this.
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purplesunshine
Guest
i hate when people say open adoptions are healthier for kids as a general statement…or that they produce emotinally healthier kids. When it comes to babies I can almost see the argument in that. However when it comes to any child removed from a home open adoptions are absolutely dangerous. And the statistics that reflect open/closed adoptions get skewed. Of course an above newborn adoptee who has a forced closed adoption WILL have emotinal problems. Actually, even infants “in the system” will have emotional problems.
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Viki63
Guest
Someone mentioned Dr Ray Guarendi, who with his wife adopted 10 children, I believe through the foster system. I understand from an interview he did that he’s opposed to open adoptions, as it confuses the children.
One thing the OP could try, as was suggested, would be foster parenting. It would give you a feeling for what it’s like to care for a child. Age is not so much a problem with foster parents. I was 52 when we received our daughter, and her adoption was finalized a few years later.
One thing the OP could try, as was suggested, would be foster parenting. It would give you a feeling for what it’s like to care for a child. Age is not so much a problem with foster parents. I was 52 when we received our daughter, and her adoption was finalized a few years later.
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JustAnotherThou
Guest
In his book I don’t remember him saying he is opposed to all open adoptions. I believe he even said that a couple of their adoptions have some level of openness (I think only 2, although I would have to re-read the book). He is definatly not an advocate for open adoptions, although I doubt he would say he is 100% against them.
ETA: Another good book to read is The Girls Who Went Away, it is about adoptions in the 50s & 60s, although I know a handful of women today that said that their adoptions within recent years were handled very similar. My birth mom could have been one of many of those girls from that book. It is a really good book to show that adoption is not just about the adoptive parents and the child.
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JustAnotherThou
Guest
I am in NO WAY saying that you OP and your wife should get an annulment, I honestly believe that divorce and annulments should be VERY few!! My comments are more for other people that may read this post now and in the future. This is a topic that more people should have prior to marriage. We are seeing more and more infertility in our society and I am also against IVF and similar means of conception (which I am assuming that you are your wife also are, as is the Church). So IMHO this is something that couples need to discuss prior to marriage.
I am sorry that I don’t get how being prejudice against raising children who are not biologically yours to taboo to mention. Also sorry if you don’t like me using the word prejudice in describing your attitude about adopting children. I have honestly thought hard about another way to word it and I can’t think of none. It is something that I will never understand and sorry you feel condemned over it. I don’t have that intention. I would just hope that you or others with similar beliefs would not see a child as bad blood because they didn’t come from you. Just think about if Joseph would have said to God. “God I am sorry, I can’t raise your child in my home as my own and love and care for him because he is not of my blood”! We know Joseph wouldn’t have said that to God, although Joseph is a good role model for us to be open to bringing children who are not of our blood into our homes and to love and care for them as not only our children but as the children of God that they are. Maybe God isn’t coming down and talking to you in your dreams as he did Joseph, although maybe he is challenging you through this forum, through your wife changing her mind, maybe that is God talking to you! That is for you to discern, although if you are waiting for his booming voice to come from the heavens and say “You should adopt”, it is likely not going to happen. I guess one of my questions to you is what “sign” do you need from God that you should or shouldn’t adopt? (“Feelings” are not signs from God IMHO)
I am also against the stain that so many in our society will put on adopted children. I can’t even begin to recall all of the idiotic comments people have made to me because I am adopted. We as adopted children are NOT leapers, we don’t have BAD BLOOD running through our veins, we don’t have all kinds of mental disorders stemming from being adopted. Yes there are a few outspoken adoptees that will blame all of their life’s problems on being adopted. That is NOT the reason for their problems. Yes there are adoptees that get adopted by some adoptive parents that probably shouldn’t have had kids either by adoption or biology. Although there are just as many if not more people out there that will blame their parents for a horrible life or have horrible parents who messed up their lives that were not adopted. I have no problem telling any adoptee that is trying to use their adoption as a scapegoat for their “problems” that they are full of BS and need to get over it, deal with their problems instead of dwelling on them, and live their lives as God would want them to.
I also want to add that not every child who is placed for adoption is a drug, abused, messed up, neglected baby, or however someone wants to label them. I know this isn’t what the OP is about. Although, as a foster parent I am so sick and tired of every time someone finds out that our children are foster children the first words out of their mouths are “was it drugs?”, there are a 100 other questions based on stereotypes that they ask, I have two WONDERFUL healthy infant girls who have never been exposed to drugs, alcohol, abuse, or even neglect. There are good reasons that they are both in foster care, which is none of anyone on here or anyone in the public’s business to know. Point is the stereotypes that society has dealt these children are unfair and thus the reason that people like the OP believe they can only raise a child that is biologically theirs. I was at the doctor office with both my foster daughters yesterday and a girl probably around 20yo sits down next to me, since my FD’s are only a few months apart conversations usually lead toward they are foster children. When she found out she then began to tell me how she was in and out (mostly in) the foster care system from birth until 13 yo. At 13 she was dumped in a mental health hospital because the state had no other place to put her (there was no reason for her to be there). By the grace of God (her words), her now father found out about her and adopted her. He is as much her father as if he had birthed her in her eyes and you could see that by the way she talked about him. She is now in her 20’s, in college and I am sure is a wonderful young woman. Yet she was written off by most of society and the system at the age of 13 because she was a foster child. Sad.
OP - Honestly no I don’t believe that you should adopt a child. With just the things you said in your OP you are not in the mind frame to adopt a child. I am sadden for you and your wife, maybe I shouldn’t be, although I am for I believe you are missing out on one of the most awesome blessings a couple can have. Children are such a grace from God no matter how they come into your life. Do I wish you could see and realize that, YES. As you have said you are too old now (in your opinion) to absorb all of that, come to an understanding and act on it. BTW, I know a few (3 I think) couples in their 50’s that have adopted. I pray for you and your wife. I will also add that I don’t agree with the poster(s) that said that you should let your wife adopt and you just be the absent father. When we marry we become ONE, no marriage would be strong if something like this is not done as one.
I am sorry that I don’t get how being prejudice against raising children who are not biologically yours to taboo to mention. Also sorry if you don’t like me using the word prejudice in describing your attitude about adopting children. I have honestly thought hard about another way to word it and I can’t think of none. It is something that I will never understand and sorry you feel condemned over it. I don’t have that intention. I would just hope that you or others with similar beliefs would not see a child as bad blood because they didn’t come from you. Just think about if Joseph would have said to God. “God I am sorry, I can’t raise your child in my home as my own and love and care for him because he is not of my blood”! We know Joseph wouldn’t have said that to God, although Joseph is a good role model for us to be open to bringing children who are not of our blood into our homes and to love and care for them as not only our children but as the children of God that they are. Maybe God isn’t coming down and talking to you in your dreams as he did Joseph, although maybe he is challenging you through this forum, through your wife changing her mind, maybe that is God talking to you! That is for you to discern, although if you are waiting for his booming voice to come from the heavens and say “You should adopt”, it is likely not going to happen. I guess one of my questions to you is what “sign” do you need from God that you should or shouldn’t adopt? (“Feelings” are not signs from God IMHO)
I am also against the stain that so many in our society will put on adopted children. I can’t even begin to recall all of the idiotic comments people have made to me because I am adopted. We as adopted children are NOT leapers, we don’t have BAD BLOOD running through our veins, we don’t have all kinds of mental disorders stemming from being adopted. Yes there are a few outspoken adoptees that will blame all of their life’s problems on being adopted. That is NOT the reason for their problems. Yes there are adoptees that get adopted by some adoptive parents that probably shouldn’t have had kids either by adoption or biology. Although there are just as many if not more people out there that will blame their parents for a horrible life or have horrible parents who messed up their lives that were not adopted. I have no problem telling any adoptee that is trying to use their adoption as a scapegoat for their “problems” that they are full of BS and need to get over it, deal with their problems instead of dwelling on them, and live their lives as God would want them to.
I also want to add that not every child who is placed for adoption is a drug, abused, messed up, neglected baby, or however someone wants to label them. I know this isn’t what the OP is about. Although, as a foster parent I am so sick and tired of every time someone finds out that our children are foster children the first words out of their mouths are “was it drugs?”, there are a 100 other questions based on stereotypes that they ask, I have two WONDERFUL healthy infant girls who have never been exposed to drugs, alcohol, abuse, or even neglect. There are good reasons that they are both in foster care, which is none of anyone on here or anyone in the public’s business to know. Point is the stereotypes that society has dealt these children are unfair and thus the reason that people like the OP believe they can only raise a child that is biologically theirs. I was at the doctor office with both my foster daughters yesterday and a girl probably around 20yo sits down next to me, since my FD’s are only a few months apart conversations usually lead toward they are foster children. When she found out she then began to tell me how she was in and out (mostly in) the foster care system from birth until 13 yo. At 13 she was dumped in a mental health hospital because the state had no other place to put her (there was no reason for her to be there). By the grace of God (her words), her now father found out about her and adopted her. He is as much her father as if he had birthed her in her eyes and you could see that by the way she talked about him. She is now in her 20’s, in college and I am sure is a wonderful young woman. Yet she was written off by most of society and the system at the age of 13 because she was a foster child. Sad.
OP - Honestly no I don’t believe that you should adopt a child. With just the things you said in your OP you are not in the mind frame to adopt a child. I am sadden for you and your wife, maybe I shouldn’t be, although I am for I believe you are missing out on one of the most awesome blessings a couple can have. Children are such a grace from God no matter how they come into your life. Do I wish you could see and realize that, YES. As you have said you are too old now (in your opinion) to absorb all of that, come to an understanding and act on it. BTW, I know a few (3 I think) couples in their 50’s that have adopted. I pray for you and your wife. I will also add that I don’t agree with the poster(s) that said that you should let your wife adopt and you just be the absent father. When we marry we become ONE, no marriage would be strong if something like this is not done as one.
Y
yellowdaisy
Guest
Note: most of the above generalizations made by me were made referencing domestic infant adoption and NOT the foster care system.
I have to again note, that those of you who are adult adoptees posting that your parents who raised you are your only parents, your hertiage is your adopted parents heritage,etc, all seem to be from a certain age group-- as are the parents who adopted you.
It is just difficult for the generation of people adopted in the Baby Scoop Era to comprehend open adoption. Societal stigma about signle parenting was very different at that time. Many of the women who placed babies at that time were FORCED to do so! Literally, actaully, had their signatures forged, or were still drugged at the time of signing. Try reading 'The Girls Who Went Away", and/or doing some research about the Baby Scoop Era.
Now I’m not trying to say your feelings are invalid at all! They’re your feelings! But there is a generation of adoptees (not universally, many people have had GOOD experiences) who are in their teens 20s and 30s who were adopted AFTER the adoption industry become a $ making machine. Their parents were NOT prepared for the emotoinal baggage that MAY be present, and consequently, many bear scars!
The new wave of Open Adoption in domestic infant adoption in the US is led by a group of professionals, birthparents, adoptees and adoptive parents who are trying like heck to PREVENT spirits from being broken! Every thing we do, every person we try to educate about what adoption REALLY is, is an attempt to find what NOT to do that will hurt my daughter.
I am part of an adult adoptee group here on Long Island-- out of 40 people in their 20s and 30s, only 2 have had positive experiences. The rest feel the emptiness and sense of longing. It is because I love my daughter that I want to avoid her experiencing that!
The whole point of my participation here was the educate the OP that adoption takes a lot mroe work than people think, and frankly, love does NOT conquer all-- you ahve to be prepared for that! Close friends of ours adopted 2 girls from foster care three years ago. They just had to disrupt ONE of the sisters, because she attempted-- and nearly succeeded-- in murdering her sister. She spent two years in and out of residential psychiatric facilities while they tried to get a handle on her issues. It was impossible to parent her in a multi-child household. Becuas of the abuse she’d sufferend in early childhood, she would NEVER be able to live with other children.
She was 7 years old when they disrupted.
Do you think you’re prepared for THAT possibility? Coming home and finding one child bloody and the other one holding a knife? I would NEVER push someone towards adopting or fostering who is NOT ready for the possibility that this might be the case. Is it common? **nope. ** But you know what else? The county these girls were adopted from was so desperate to find them a home, that they falsified documents about the girls’ history and current psychiatric needs. The little girl is now even MORE broken, because shes lost ANOTHER set of parents.
It is WRONG to push someone into adoption who is not desirous. Regardless of if you agree with me about open adoption, the fact is there are people out there who have been BROKEN by adoption. Knowing what I know, it is my responsiblity to make sure as many people as possible try to educate themselves before jumping in to this system!
I suggest that many people reading this thread may benefit from reading some forums or blogs of adult adoptees or “birthparents”. Please PM me for suggestions. Try searching:
Baby Scoop Era
Adoption Industry
Adoption Machine
adult adoptee blog
adoption ethical issues
Birthparent blog"
forcibly closed adoptionI"
anti-adoption movement" (be careful with this one-- there’s a LOT of hate vitriol and bitterness. I do NOT agree with these people at all– I think adoption definately has a place in the world! But its important to know there are people out there who feel this way because they have been wronged so deeply)
I am not bitter. I am a proponant of ethical practices in domestic adoption because I love my daugher AND I LOVE HER OTHER MOTHER! The agency we used LIED to my daughters birthmother-- promised her the moon in order to get her healthy white baby (for which they collect more fees than a minority child-- sickening) and then deserted her the minute she signed hte papers. They promised her a lifetime of post placement counseling and support groups, which do not in fact exist.
You know what it took for us to be approved? 4 hours with a SW, copies of our birth certificates and a criminal background check. NO EDUCATION. NO QUESTIONING ABOUT OUR DESIRE TO PARENT. I could be a child molester and that pathetic excuse for an agency would NEVER KNOW. They dont care! They wanted my money-- as much as they claim to be in the business of “building families” and “helping children”, the bottom line for them was $$$, as with any business. It doesnt make me bitter that I recognize the truth about them!
Will we adopt again? Certainly. Will it be domestic infant adoption? You can bet it WONT BE unless the child is special needs (as is my daughter-- these children are often impossible to place-- but thats a whole different rant!).
Adoption, generally, is good. As long as its good for the children! But the basic, BARE MINIMUM has just GOT to be parents who actually want to parent!
**I’m not willing to psychoanalyze the OP. If he says he does not want to be a parent, I’m goign to take him at his word, because anything less t hat wanting to be a parent is GOING to hurt a child. Doesnt make him a bad guy at all! Makes him human and admirable that he can admit the truth-- that he doesnt want to do it.
he’s asking if he’s obligated to do it anyway, and I’m saying FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE NO!!!**
I have to again note, that those of you who are adult adoptees posting that your parents who raised you are your only parents, your hertiage is your adopted parents heritage,etc, all seem to be from a certain age group-- as are the parents who adopted you.
It is just difficult for the generation of people adopted in the Baby Scoop Era to comprehend open adoption. Societal stigma about signle parenting was very different at that time. Many of the women who placed babies at that time were FORCED to do so! Literally, actaully, had their signatures forged, or were still drugged at the time of signing. Try reading 'The Girls Who Went Away", and/or doing some research about the Baby Scoop Era.
Now I’m not trying to say your feelings are invalid at all! They’re your feelings! But there is a generation of adoptees (not universally, many people have had GOOD experiences) who are in their teens 20s and 30s who were adopted AFTER the adoption industry become a $ making machine. Their parents were NOT prepared for the emotoinal baggage that MAY be present, and consequently, many bear scars!
The new wave of Open Adoption in domestic infant adoption in the US is led by a group of professionals, birthparents, adoptees and adoptive parents who are trying like heck to PREVENT spirits from being broken! Every thing we do, every person we try to educate about what adoption REALLY is, is an attempt to find what NOT to do that will hurt my daughter.
I am part of an adult adoptee group here on Long Island-- out of 40 people in their 20s and 30s, only 2 have had positive experiences. The rest feel the emptiness and sense of longing. It is because I love my daughter that I want to avoid her experiencing that!
The whole point of my participation here was the educate the OP that adoption takes a lot mroe work than people think, and frankly, love does NOT conquer all-- you ahve to be prepared for that! Close friends of ours adopted 2 girls from foster care three years ago. They just had to disrupt ONE of the sisters, because she attempted-- and nearly succeeded-- in murdering her sister. She spent two years in and out of residential psychiatric facilities while they tried to get a handle on her issues. It was impossible to parent her in a multi-child household. Becuas of the abuse she’d sufferend in early childhood, she would NEVER be able to live with other children.
She was 7 years old when they disrupted.
Do you think you’re prepared for THAT possibility? Coming home and finding one child bloody and the other one holding a knife? I would NEVER push someone towards adopting or fostering who is NOT ready for the possibility that this might be the case. Is it common? **nope. ** But you know what else? The county these girls were adopted from was so desperate to find them a home, that they falsified documents about the girls’ history and current psychiatric needs. The little girl is now even MORE broken, because shes lost ANOTHER set of parents.
It is WRONG to push someone into adoption who is not desirous. Regardless of if you agree with me about open adoption, the fact is there are people out there who have been BROKEN by adoption. Knowing what I know, it is my responsiblity to make sure as many people as possible try to educate themselves before jumping in to this system!
I suggest that many people reading this thread may benefit from reading some forums or blogs of adult adoptees or “birthparents”. Please PM me for suggestions. Try searching:
Baby Scoop Era
Adoption Industry
Adoption Machine
adult adoptee blog
adoption ethical issues
Birthparent blog"
forcibly closed adoptionI"
anti-adoption movement" (be careful with this one-- there’s a LOT of hate vitriol and bitterness. I do NOT agree with these people at all– I think adoption definately has a place in the world! But its important to know there are people out there who feel this way because they have been wronged so deeply)
I am not bitter. I am a proponant of ethical practices in domestic adoption because I love my daugher AND I LOVE HER OTHER MOTHER! The agency we used LIED to my daughters birthmother-- promised her the moon in order to get her healthy white baby (for which they collect more fees than a minority child-- sickening) and then deserted her the minute she signed hte papers. They promised her a lifetime of post placement counseling and support groups, which do not in fact exist.
You know what it took for us to be approved? 4 hours with a SW, copies of our birth certificates and a criminal background check. NO EDUCATION. NO QUESTIONING ABOUT OUR DESIRE TO PARENT. I could be a child molester and that pathetic excuse for an agency would NEVER KNOW. They dont care! They wanted my money-- as much as they claim to be in the business of “building families” and “helping children”, the bottom line for them was $$$, as with any business. It doesnt make me bitter that I recognize the truth about them!
Will we adopt again? Certainly. Will it be domestic infant adoption? You can bet it WONT BE unless the child is special needs (as is my daughter-- these children are often impossible to place-- but thats a whole different rant!).
Adoption, generally, is good. As long as its good for the children! But the basic, BARE MINIMUM has just GOT to be parents who actually want to parent!
**I’m not willing to psychoanalyze the OP. If he says he does not want to be a parent, I’m goign to take him at his word, because anything less t hat wanting to be a parent is GOING to hurt a child. Doesnt make him a bad guy at all! Makes him human and admirable that he can admit the truth-- that he doesnt want to do it.
he’s asking if he’s obligated to do it anyway, and I’m saying FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE NO!!!**
- Status