Do I have an obligation to adopt?!

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My dh also felt the same about raising children as you did due to some upbringing issues with his own parents. Then they changed and got closer their faith and ended up raising his dd whom he had very young. They ended up adopting her - not really with his permission but he gave it legally as he felt he had no choice at the time as they had told the child prior to that this was the right choice and the only way she could have a family. We are getting past with them and there has had to be much forgiving done on both sides. His main issue with them was not abuse but neglect. Mainly in our own marital counseling he deals with those issues step by painful step. I tell you this because as he has healed his mental focus has changed. He has regretted his decision to allow his own daughter to be adopted. He has also become open to adopting in the future. I would strongly suggest that you deal with your own issues with your own parents before you set in stone your decision about raising a child.
 
opdsgt said:
ahollars, it sounds as if your position is an infertile couple have an obligation to their Catholic faith to adopt rather than remain child free if God doesn’t bless them with the ability to conceive on their own. I remember being asked that question during the sacrament of marriage, but I guess I didn’t even think to consider that it applied to adoption if we couldn’t get pregnant.
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I guess I should have typed some more.

It’s not Catholic teaching, but if in fact your wife does want to adopt a child, why would want to deny that? For the record, my eldest daughter is not my biological child, but I have been the constant in her life for the last 11 years. Mom would smack her lips off if she ever thought about telling me, “you’re not my father”, but we know she would never do that. She is mine, and there’s no doubt for her either. :rolleyes: The two of you need to figure this out before you do pass that age barrier. On a practical note, who’s going to take care of you when you reach the point where you can’t take care of yourself anymore? There are plenty of reasons for pros and cons to the decision. In the end, one of you will have to acquiesce, and the odds always seem to favor the parent who wants the child, no matter how it comes about.

Again, take your time. The average adoption takes several months anyways.
 
I don’t think you have an ‘obligation’ to adopt, but you do have an obligation to accept children lovingly in any manner or form that God decides to present them to you. Think about that.
 
I do not believe the Catholic Church teachers that couples must pursue adoption in order to be open to life in situations where they cannot have their own biological children.

But let me offer some perspective as a woman who always thought it would be kind of cool to have my own children but who always imagined that life should be about so much more than just raising children.

This “bonding”, that we hear so much about, is not so much about what others did or do for us as it is about what we do for others. The feelings of attachment that parents have for children do have a component. There are hormones that the body produces to encourage mothers to “feel motherly”. But real “bonding” comes about because of what the mother does. And this is true for fathers as well. We tend to love, value, and care for people partly because we have to move out of our comfort zone for them.

In other words, the feelings are produced by the actions rather than the actions being the result of feelings.

Coming from a loving home is important. But it is more that such homes teach us how to perform the loving acts that will help us show love to others when we are adults. We do tend to want to recreate our childhood when we grow up since that is familiar. So those from close families may be more inclined to want to be in a family situation when they are adults.

But it is in caring for a child that we grow to love the child.

Opdsgt, I do not know you so I don’t know if you should pursue adoption. If you think that your childhood caused you some serious problems then maybe you need to spend some time dealing with those for the sake of your wife and your parents (even if you never have children.) But I can tell you that you are not alone in having ambivalent feelings about having a child of your own (and an adopted child will be your own). Lots of biological fathers (and even mothers) feel that way before they have their own. Most of these parents fall head over heels in love with their children when they finally do have them.
 
If adoption like other Christian vocations is truly a calling, shouldn’t I feel some sort of innate urge to be a father? I’m capable of moving forward here, to die to self and do what I know would bring great joy to my wife, but I question if it’s the “right” or healthy thing to do long term. It feels less like a calling and more like a cross I’m considering shouldering out of sheer guilt. I don’t want to be responsible for ruining a good person’s lifelong dream of motherhood. But I don’t want to cause my wife to resent me either.

Ugh. Life is too complicated at times.
 
I am an adoptive mother, and my husband is an adoptee.

Dont do it. Your obligation/calling is to the CHILD, not to your wife. If you dont have the desire to be a parent to someone else’s child, DO NOT DO IT. It wouldnt be fair to the child. Every child deserves to grow up in a home with two parents who WANT HIM, not are OBLIGATED TO PARENT HIM.

We adopted my daughter at birth-- I’ll be honest with you and tell you taht I didnt form a mother/child bond with her until she was about nine months old. You know why? Because bonding is WORK.

Raising another person’s child is hard work-- raising ANY child is hard work, but I believe it is harder to raise someone elses. You have to be careful not to set up a dynamic in which the child feels “grateful” for being “saved” by you. No kid should have to feel beholden to their parents just for loving them!

You need to do a LOT of research and soul searching before you decide to adopt. The decision and all its implications MUST center around the CHILD and not you or your wife. Frankly, the bottom line is that your wife might just have to be disappointed in her feelings about motherhood. Because her feelings are LESS important than those of the child being raised-- and that child could very well grow up having lots of emotional issues if you dont truly want to parent him/her.

Adoption should be about finding families for c hildren-- NOT about finding children for childless couples. Put the children first. If you dont truly want to do this-- DO NOT DO IT.

stepping off soap box now

for more information/resources on adoption/adult adoptees/emotional preparation please PM me. I would be happy to share! Adoption is SO MUCH more than signing up on a waiting list for a child-- the child’s emotional needs (even when adopted at birth) are going to be intense to deal with anyway, let alone for someone who’s not enthusiastic about it.
 
So don’t do anything to cause her to resent you. Don’t be selfish. Don’t be neglectful. Don’t hide at the office or in a bottle of booze. If you pursue adoption AND are approved AND are chosen to receive a child (real hurdles – not as easy to cross as some would like to think), then get to know the child, be respectful of the child, help out with the duties of raising a kid (picking up toys, changing diapers, playing with the baby, teaching the kid to tie shoes or catch a ball or listen to opera music or whatever it is you like to do), celebrate the holidays and worship the Lord together.

You act like this stuff is hard to do, but it’s not unless you make it difficult.
 
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yellowdaisy:
I am an adoptive mother, and my husband is an adoptee.

Dont do it. Your obligation/calling is to the CHILD, not to your wife. If you dont have the desire to be a parent to someone else’s child, DO NOT DO IT. It wouldnt be fair to the child. Every child deserves to grow up in a home with two parents who WANT HIM, not are OBLIGATED TO PARENT HIM.

…

You need to do a LOT of research and soul searching before you decide to adopt. The decision and all its implications MUST center around the CHILD and not you or your wife.

…

**Adoption should be about finding families for children-- NOT about finding children for childless couples. Put the children first. ** If you dont truly want to do this-- DO NOT DO IT.
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Yellowdaisy I agree, especially thepart I bolded. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.
 
I got a ton of useful information (some of it scary, truth be told) from yellowdaisy via PM. Thank you for that. Thank you everyone here as well for the open discussion. I’ve been around internet discussion boards for years and this is the only one where you can debate hot topics without being overtly flamed. I appreciate everyone’s sensitivity to the issue.

I’m going to have to devote some time to prayer and reflection. My wife and I turn 46 and 43 respectively next year. Most agencies won’t pair a child with people much older than us and the process takes several months.

This is the juggernaut of a lifetime IMO. I know God doesn’t always answer our prayers in ways we can appreciate or understand, but this is one of those times I wish He would literally come to me and show me the way.
 
haha I didnt mean to scare you!!! I am…er…passionate…about adoption 🙂

It CAN be wonderful and rewarding…for everybody involved! But it’s a real hard struggle, and it’s GOT to be about the kiddo!
 
I understand. This needs to be child-centric, not the other way around.
 
opdsgt said:
I understand. This needs to be child-centric, not the other way around.
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But aren’t there many children without families? It would seem that even a family with an uninvolved father would be better than none at all. Plenty of children grow up healthy and happy with a single parent.
 
I hear what you’re saying ff, but doesn’t that set me up for sure failure with my spouse? I mean, I can’t imagine leaving all the work of child rearing to her.

I can’t escape the notion that God would have planted the desire in my heart if it were right for me.
 
But aren’t there many children without families? It would seem that even a family with an uninvolved father would be better than none at all. Plenty of children grow up healthy and happy with a single parent.

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That’s a quote from previous poster-- I havent worked out quoting yet.

In short, no. A family with an uninvolved or possibly resentful father is NOT better than none at all. Because frankly, we dont have “orphanages” in this country, we have foster situations (yes sometimes group). Why move from one bad situation to another?

And not all foster situations are bad either. My husband was a foster kid in a GREAT family, who had to wait 10 years before they could legally adopt him.

Children deserve to be loved and wanted. You should not take a child into your home if you are not prepared 100% to LOVE them and make them feel WANTED. If you have baggage or other emotions, they’ll know. It will be obvious.

not everyone is cut out for adoption. Thats just the truth. Not everyone can handle a child looking differently from you. Especially if that child is proud of their biological heritage, or particularly fixated on discovering their biological heritage. Children have a RIGHT to their own heritage, and not every person can put aside their own feelings/insecurities about this in order for the best interest of the child.

All you have to do is google “adult adoptee blog” and see what you get-- youll see an entire generation of people from the closed adoption era who have serious emotional trauma from their adoptive parents who (many time through no fault of their own) were UNPREPARED to deal with the issues that arise as children grow and question.

People have this pre-conceived concept of adoption in the United States, that its a win-win-win, and the truth is that is is NOT a win-win-win. There is always at LEAST one party who is losing. Sometimes that’s the “birthparent” (I prefer natural mother myself), and sometimes that’s the child! Sometimes it’s even the adoptive parent when they realize they’re in over their heads and they choose to disrupt the adoption (it happens ALL THE TIME).

As for infants, in the united states there are FAR more couples who want to adopt than there are babies to go around. Infants in the united states (unless they are minority or special needs) are NOT in need of homes. It’s just not true that you’re "saving " a baby by adopting him. Chances are there are at least 10 families clamoring for the chance to parent him!

We might have an obligation to care for widows and orphans, but that is NOT the same thing as adopting them. If you enter adoption without the right mindset and preparation, you are GOING to hurt a child, or get hurt yourself. It’s just a fact.
 
yellowdaisy said:
But aren’t there many children without families? It would seem that even a family with an uninvolved father would be better than none at all. Plenty of children grow up healthy and happy with a single parent.

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That’s a quote from previous poster-- I havent worked out quoting yet.
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You can click the “quote” button on the post to quote (the easiest), there is also the multi-quote feature if you want several quotes from different people in your post (then click that in the posts you want to quote, they become highlighted, when you’re done click reply at the bottom of the thread). You can insert things in [qu ote] [/quot e] tags. If you want to type in a name to be quoted you can do [q uote=nameyouwant][/q uote].

Thanks for the adoption info, I didn’t know that.
 
As one who often couseled young women who were considering placing their child for adoption I must comment on a phrase used in this thread that aggravates the heck out of me. You would NOT be “raising other peoples child”. You would be rasing your own.
 
OP, if you are determined to act like a petulant toddler, if you refuse to man up and be a husband and partner to your wife, if you can’t find the where-with-all to treat a child like a human being (i.e, with respect, courtesy, and self-sacrificing love, the way all Christians are called to treat all other people), then by no means should you adopt.

That’s what you want to hear, right? You want somebody else to tell you that you’re not going to be a good dad so that you can prove to your wife that adoption is a bad idea. At least, that’s what it looks like from the way this conversation is going. It seems like either you can’t or you simply don’t want to find the chutzpah to work at parenting and make it happen in a good way – you’d rather give up before you even try and continue on your merry way without the responsibility of being a father.

Parenting is work for all of us. All of us have things that we have to overcome about our own childhoods so that we can be better parents than our own parents were. You’re not so different from anybody else, except for the fact that you’re kicking your heels and refusing to try.
 
JustAnotherThou said:
I wonder, would this constitute grounds for annulment?
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No, it would not. Openness to children as far as marriage validity goes is really openness to non-contraceptive intercourse and its natural consequences, nothing more. People who are dead set against adopting can still marry validly.
 
opdsgt said:
. . . .
I can’t escape the notion that God would have planted the desire in my heart if it were right for me.
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Maybe he already has, but that you will need to search deeeeeeeeeep down within yourself to realize it . . . . Even Jesus went into the desert for 40 days and nights to prepare himself for his mission . . . .
 
garyr said:
Maybe he already has, but that you will need to search deeeeeeeeeep down within yourself to realize it . . . . Even Jesus went into the desert for 40 days and nights to prepare himself for his mission . . . .
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You know the poster has a point - if you didn’t want to do this somewhere- you wouldn’t go on a Catholic website and ask this type of question which is very pro-adoption - you would go on some secular manly man type site that would tell you- “You Tarzan - tell woman conceive or be quiet.” 😛
 
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