Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Debora123]

To add to my respond to Baelor about the lie thing, if someone told me a secret and then specifically asked if I was going to tell my spouse, then of course I wouldn’t lie and tell them no.

Otherwise, I always figured it was assumed. Or even more, I never even thought about it before because it’s such a no brainer to me.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Why in the world would I even care about someone else’s bra size?

No, I wouldn’t tell my husband about someone else’s bra size, I probably wouldn’t even remember it myself because I don’t see why anyone would even care.

.

Well…I am glad to hear you don’t care about others bra sizes

However, then perhaps there was a misunderstanding. When you make statements to the effect that he is your significant other and tell him everything, then that implies you would have told. So … in reality, there are things you don’t tell your husband. I think that is what a lot of us are getting at. You do understand some things are NOT told

 

[LilyM]

Honestly, I never even thought about any of this before. What goes on between man and wife is their business

Except, apparently, if the husband or wife tells you - then according to you it’s naturally your husband’s business too You know what they say happens when you assume.

it never even crossed my mind that others might feel otherwise in this case.

It shouldn’t be news to you or anyone that different people have different ideas about what information can and should be kept strictly to yourself.

 

[Morwenna]

You know, it’s interesting … I’m wondering if this may be an age-related division, more than anything else. It seems those who are younger (mid-20’s-ish, maybe up to early 30s) have one view, and those who are late 30’s/40 and beyond have another perspective.

I’m not saying every single person on the thread falls neatly into those categories, but it seems that a large number do.

Interesting indeed. I wonder how many posters in the higher age category changed their views from the younger perspective, as they accumulated more life experience? I’d be interested in hearing thoughts on this, if anyone wants to share.

 

[LilyM]

You know, it’s interesting … I’m wondering if this may be an age-related division, more than anything else. It seems those who are younger (mid-20’s-ish, maybe up to early 30s) have one view, and those who are late 30’s/40 and beyond have another perspective.

I’m not saying every single person on the thread falls neatly into those categories, but it seems that a large number do.

Interesting indeed. I wonder how many posters in the higher age category changed their views from the younger perspective, as they accumulated more life experience? I’d be interested in hearing thoughts on this, if anyone wants to share.

I’m well over 30, but no I haven’t changed my views on the importance of keeping confidences since I was younger.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t see it as a lie though. When I tell my married friends secrets and tell them not to tell other people, I always assume they’ll tell their husband. I never felt it was my place to tell someone to keep something from their own spouse, because I see them as one. Likewise, when someone tells me a secret I always assume they know Imay share with my own husband.

Honestly, I never even thought about any of this before. What goes on between man and wife is their business, and it never even crossed my mind that others might feel otherwise in this case.

It is a blatant lie ‘I will not tell anyone’ is a much different statement than ‘I will only tell my husband’. Just because you assume others are doing it does not give you the right to lie

YES what goes on between man and wife is their business. What goes on between any 2 people is their business. What goes on between 2 women friends is their business and husband don’t have a right to know everything. Woman should be allowed other friends (or else they have a controlling unhealthy marriage). A big part of a friendship is trust that can not exist if one woman is lying ie I will not tell anyone and then tells her husband

 

[Debora123]

Well…I am glad to hear you don’t care about others bra sizes

However, then perhaps there was a misunderstanding. When you make statements to the effect that he is your significant other and tell him everything, then that implies you would have told. So … in reality, there are things you don’t tell your husband. I think that is what a lot of us are getting at. You do understand some things are NOT told

When I say “everything” I assume common sense from people to know I don’t come home and tell my husband about every insignificant detail of my day… like how many times I wiped my butt after I pooped, or what type of dressing I put on my salad for lunch, or what size I heard so and so wears.

 

[Debora123]

Except, apparently, if the husband or wife tells you - then according to you it’s naturally your husband’s business too You know what they say happens when you assume.

What?

It shouldn’t be news to you or anyone that different people have different ideas about what information can and should be kept strictly to yourself.

Well guess what… it is.

 

[Anglewannabe]

. I wonder how many posters in the higher age category changed their views from the younger perspective, as they accumulated more life experience? I’d be interested in hearing thoughts on this, if anyone wants to share.

I think you are on to something. The day one of these women who tell DH everything is b harmed by someone who blabs their business, hopefully they will change their tune

 

[Debora123]

You know, it’s interesting … I’m wondering if this may be an age-related division, more than anything else. It seems those who are younger (mid-20’s-ish, maybe up to early 30s) have one view, and those who are late 30’s/40 and beyond have another perspective.

I’m not saying every single person on the thread falls neatly into those categories, but it seems that a large number do.

Interesting indeed. I wonder how many posters in the higher age category changed their views from the younger perspective, as they accumulated more life experience? I’d be interested in hearing thoughts on this, if anyone wants to share.

Interesting observation, you are correct.

Though I did just now ask my mom and she says she too shares everything. She’s 52.

 

[Debora123]

I think you are on to something. The day one of these women who tell DH everything is b harmed by someone who blabs their business, hopefully they will change their tune

 

[Anglewannabe]

When I say “everything” I assume common sense from people to know I don’t come home and tell my husband about every insignificant detail of my day… like how many times I wiped my butt after I pooped, or what type of dressing I put on my salad for lunch, or what size I heard so and so wears.

Sorry, you weren’t coming across that way. You were coming across as if you could tell your husband anything you felt like. And I was trying to point out there are things you don’t.

I think the whole problem is you make a lot of assumptions

ie I won’t tell anyone = of course I tell my husband

Everything does not really mean everything, only what I judge important

 

[Debora123]

Sorry, you weren’t coming across that way. You were coming across as if you could tell your husband anything you felt like. And I was trying to point out there are things you don’t.

I think the whole problem is you make a lot of assumptions

ie I won’t tell anyone = of course I tell my husband

Everything does not really mean everything, only what I judge important

I really have no problem, and there is no problem. Thanks though.

 

[LilyM]

What?

ahem ‘when you assume you make an a$s out of u and me’.

Well guess what… it is.

Obviously.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Interesting observation, you are correct.

Though I did just now ask my mom and she says she too shares everything. She’s 52.

First off I agree with Every. Single. Thing. that you have said on this page. I also tell him everything without a thought and until 5 minutes before I posted this thread I assumed everyone did. I probably wouldn’t tell bra size not because I think it would be wrong but because it is so insignificant, especially since you can already see how well endowed she is.

My 62 year old mother tells her husband absolutely everything too, and she’s managed to have healthy friendships her entire life. My brother and SIL (both in their 40s) share everything too, and I know that confiding in one means confusing in both no matter how big or personal the matter and I don’t mind because they are married.

 

[Debora123]

ahem ‘when you assume you make an a$s out of u and me’.

I get the lovely quote there, but I don’t know what you’re referring to when you said this:

Except, apparently, if the husband or wife tells you - then according to you it’s naturally your husband’s business too

 

[Anglewannabe]

Well guess what… it is.

Please try to see this as asking you in love to please just consider this though for a moment.

If it is news to you that some people do NOT want their friends to tell their spouses certain secrets, fair enough. There are lots of things in life that never occurred to a lot of people

The people who are saying you shouldn’t tell your husband everything probably have been seriously hurt in the past by someone breaking a confidence. Now that you know hurt people exist, can you please try to be considerate of the fact they are out there? In no way am I asking you to change your interactions with your husband. I am asking you to change your interactions with others and start telling them ahead of time, ‘I promise to tell only my husband’ as oppose to ‘I won’t tell anyone’

Angie

 

[Debora123]

My 62 year old mother tells her husband absolutely everything too, and she’s managed to have healthy friendships her entire life. My brother and SIL (both in their 40s) share everything too, and I know that confiding in one means confusing in both no matter how big or personal the matter and I don’t mind because they are married.

Honestly, I don’t even think that’s true… about older people being more reserved with their spouses than younger people. If you go back to the first couple pages of this thread, you’ll see a lot of middle ages to older members here saying that they too tell their spouses nearly everything.

 

[Debora123]

First off I agree with Every. Single. Thing. that you have said on this page. I also tell him everything without a thought and until 5 minutes before I posted this thread I assumed everyone did. I probably wouldn’t tell bra size not because I think it would be wrong but because it is so insignificant, especially since you can already see how well endowed she is.

Agreed 100%.

 

[Baelor]

I don’t see it as a lie though. When I tell my married friends secrets and tell them not to tell other people, I always assume they’ll tell their husband.

Debora, that is your right. But as I said in a prior post, you cannot assume that other people assume the same thing.

If I were to tell someone, “I would like to share something with you. Please keep it between us,” that unambiguously, from the perspective of the meaning of the words, refers to two persons, the confider and in the confidante. Unambiguous also is “tell no one.”

You can make whatever assumptions you want when it is your secret you are sharing, but you would be wrong to assume that others share your mindset. Far better to confirm explicitly, which it sounds like you do.

I never felt it was my place to tell someone to keep something from their own spouse, because I see them as one. Likewise, when someone tells me a secret I always assume they know Imay share with my own husband.

And it is wrong to assume that. Check with them first.