Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[VeritasLuxMea]

I think I will take leave of this thread. As I mentioned earlier, this doesn’t need to be a black and white, extreme choice, yet many seem intent on that, so I guess I don’t see the point in further discussion if there’s no room for a middle ground.

VeritasLuxMea, I select Option 3: my close friends fully understand my relationship with my wife. They also know that, if they would like me to withhold something specific from her for good reason (which is the case a minority of the time), I will do so. Therefore, they are not less likely to confide in me.

Even if they don’t ask me, I won’t share something that harms them with no benefit to anyone. Discernment in every situation. Black and white approaches of Never! or Always! are sub-optimal here.

That is actually option 1 in my dichotomy.

I wasn’t talking about not telling my wife ANYTHING that anyone said or did. That would be ludicrous.

I was talking SPECIFICALLY about secrets shared with me in confidence that also meet the criterion of “this is none of my wife’s business.” I find that if a secret is shared with me, 99%+ of the time it isn’t my wife’s business at all. So, she never learns it. And guess what? The friend in question is better off for it, and she is no worse off.

 

[shipwrkd]

There might be. Or at the very least they might agree with the women but on different grounds. The two that I think would be the most interesting to hear from on this would be The Bucket and Chevalier. They both tend to bring in really intelligent, compassionate, male points of view.

Yeah, well Guys are built a little different and I don’t tell her everything that’s said during a weekend of hunting with the guys.If someone in camp tells me something in confidence, such as an ED problem, an affair or even a lustful thought, my wife doesn’t need to know. If it’s told to me in confidence I don’t feel I need to stick her with the burden of keeping her silence.

Now on the other hand, if someone says he’s gonna be a father but don’t tell anyone else…well, that’s a different story and I’ll share that with her.Each “secret” is different and you have to ask yourself if it’s something that the person telling you would expect to come out sooner or later or if someone is trying to get something of his/her chest and anyone else knowing may cause more harm. Kinda like the internet…only post if you don’t mind 20 million others knowing.

 

[PatriceA]

You know, it’s interesting … I’m wondering if this may be an age-related division, more than anything else. It seems those who are younger (mid-20’s-ish, maybe up to early 30s) have one view, and those who are late 30’s/40 and beyond have another perspective.

I’m not saying every single person on the thread falls neatly into those categories, but it seems that a large number do.

Interesting indeed. I wonder how many posters in the higher age category changed their views from the younger perspective, as they accumulated more life experience? I’d be interested in hearing thoughts on this, if anyone wants to share.

I’m 45, I share with my husband. Like I said though, I disclose to my friends that’s what we do in our marriage so don’t tell me anything you don’t want my husband to know. Our friends have similar marriages.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

First off I agree with Every. Single. Thing. that you have said on this page. I also tell him everything without a thought and until 5 minutes before I posted this thread I assumed everyone did. I probably wouldn’t tell bra size not because I think it would be wrong but because it is so insignificant, especially since you can already see how well endowed she is.

Do you understand that such information could potentially be embarrassing? Do you understand that and just not care??? I mean, please, this is not about how you feel about the information, it’s about the other party. You’re saying if you did consider it “significant” then you would share it, and damn the embarrassment of the other party?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

If it is news to you that some people do NOT want their friends to tell their spouses certain secrets, fair enough. There are lots of things in life that never occurred to a lot of people

Communication is key. If you don’t communicate the rules, you cannot expect others to know those rules.

My wife is an ridiculously outgoing, caring person that gives great guidance. I kid around and tell people she makes Oprah look like and introvert. The result is that people constantly call her for advice. She’s makes no bones about it to anybody that she discusses things with me. Of course, they also know me, and that I’m the type of person that keeps my mouth shut, and don’t discuss these matters with anyone, including them (unless they bring it up). The same is true with my friends.

With these ground rules in place, there is no confusion on the matter. My, or my wife’s friends understand that these issues may be discussed between us, and they can choose whether or not to discuss the with us.

My wife and I both believe that we are first and foremost in each other’s lives, and choose not to have secrets. Others may feel differently, and that’s fine. However, you should communicate that specifically with your spouse, and with the people that you have “secrets” with. You’ll only have yourself to blame if those ground rules are not out there for everyone else to see.

 

[LilyM]

I get the lovely quote there, but I don’t know what you’re referring to when you said this:

It’s like this …

What goes on between husband and wife is their business, you said.

But if a husband or wife confided in you about their marital business (say they were having serious difficulties) you would have, it appears, no respect for the fact that such information is STILL their business, and would probably tell your husband and make or his business as well.

 

[shipwrkd]

I’m 45, I share with my husband. Like I said though, I disclose to my friends that’s what we do in our marriage so don’t tell me anything you don’t want my husband to know. Our friends have similar marriages.

Just curious and tell the truth. Does your husband know your correct weight

 

[Anglewannabe]

My, or my wife’s friends understand that these issues may be discussed between us, and they can choose whether or not to discuss the with us.
.

And that is great. The beef I have is with people assuming their friends know they tell their spouse and take no responsibility in letting their friends know it

 

[Anglewannabe]

Do you understand that such information could potentially be embarrassing? Do you understand that and just not care??? I mean, please, **this is not about how you feel about the information, it’s about the other party. **You’re saying if you did consider it “significant” then you would share it, and damn the embarrassment of the other party?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Just curious and tell the truth. Does your husband know your correct weight

I know my wife’s weight. She’s weighs exactly 7 pounds more than she wants to weigh. If she’s happy when she’s walks out of the bathroom tomorrow morning, that’s means she’s 6 pounds over ideal. If I hear a crash it means she tossed the scale out the window and gained a pound.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Just curious and tell the truth. Does your husband know your correct weight

Mine does (we have both been there for each other through major fitness transformations). He also knows all of my passwords (but he doesn’t use them unless there’s something he needs to do in my accounts), has access to all of my medical records, and so much more.

 

[PatriceA]

Just curious and tell the truth. Does your husband know your correct weight

Yep. And your point is?

 

[PatriceA]

Communication is key. If you don’t communicate the rules, you cannot expect others to know those rules.

My wife is an ridiculously outgoing, caring person that gives great guidance. I kid around and tell people she makes Oprah look like and introvert. The result is that people constantly call her for advice. She’s makes no bones about it to anybody that she discusses things with me. Of course, they also know me, and that I’m the type of person that keeps my mouth shut, and don’t discuss these matters with anyone, including them (unless they bring it up). The same is true with my friends.

With these ground rules in place, there is no confusion on the matter. My, or my wife’s friends understand that these issues may be discussed between us, and they can choose whether or not to discuss the with us.

My wife and I both believe that we are first and foremost in each other’s lives, and choose not to have secrets. Others may feel differently, and that’s fine. However, you should communicate that specifically with your spouse, and with the people that you have “secrets” with. You’ll only have yourself to blame if those ground rules are not out there for everyone else to see.

Exactly!

 

[shipwrkd]

Honestly, I don’t even think that’s true… about older people being more reserved with their spouses than younger people. If you go back to the first couple pages of this thread, you’ll see a lot of middle ages to older members here saying that they too tell their spouses nearly everything.

Young or old, there are things that should not be shared. While good communication is essential to a marriage, gossip can be detrimental and when someone tells you something in confidence, telling your husband is no more than gossip. If you told a close female friend your weight would you expect her husband to know it also? Sharing is good…but not everything.

 

[shipwrkd]

Yep. And your point is?

My point is if you told your closest friend would you also expect her husband to know?

 

[PatriceA]

My point is if you told your closest friend would you also expect her husband to know?

Yes, I’ve already stated with my group of friends we all know such information could be shared with spouses.

But my group of friends don’t discuss this kind of silly nonsense. Seriously, we’ve resorted to weight as a topic now? This thread really is getting a bit ridiculous.

 

[shipwrkd]

I know my wife’s weight. She’s weighs exactly 7 pounds more than she wants to weigh. If she’s happy when she’s walks out of the bathroom tomorrow morning, that’s means she’s 6 pounds over ideal. If I hear a crash it means she tossed the scale out the window and gained a pound.

But do you know what she WANTS to weigh?

Sorry Monk, couldn’t let that slide by

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Young or old, there are things that should not be shared. While good communication is essential to a marriage, gossip can be detrimental and when someone tells you something in confidence, telling your husband is no more than gossip. If you told a close female friend your weight would you expect her husband to know it also? Sharing is good…but not everything.

If weight came up or they were talking about diet and exercise or how well or poorly people carry weight, sure I would expect her to say “Well BEL weighs X” as a means of comparison or an example.

 

[mandajane]

The first time someone tries to tell me something in confidence, I inform them that I do not keep secrets from my FH, and we will discuss it later if I feel it necessary. Normally they don’t mind/assume we would talk anyway.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Do you understand that such information could potentially be embarrassing? Do you understand that and just not care??? I mean, please, this is not about how you feel about the information, it’s about the other party. You’re saying if you did consider it “significant” then you would share it, and damn the embarrassment of the other party?

I don’t see the potential for embarrassment. They would never know that he knew. Part of having a relationship in which you share everything is having a very trustworthy spouse.

If he ever did repeat it or let on that he knew we would have huge issues in our marriage. But I have nothing to worry about.