Don't marry HIM if

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Rob_in_Oregon

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I’ve read a lot of posts in this forum from hearbroken women who married, “the wrong guy.” Can we post some advice for young ladies on this subject? I’ll start with the following:

DON’T MARRY HIM IF:

He is hostile or unsupportive of your Catholic faith. When you’re young, you think love will conquer all obstacles. Not true, especially when children happen.

He has been really drunk 3 or more times in the last 6 months.

He has used any illegal drugs, even once, in the past year.

He is emotionally ustable. Do other people think he’s easy to get along with? Or just you?

He puts his own interests and career before everything else, including you.

He is controlling and unreasonably jealous. A nice guy can worry when his girl pays attention to someone else, but does he forbid you to speak to other men or tell you not to go places without his permission?

When you go out for a meal, is he very rude and demanding to the waiters/waitresses? This is something that shows his character.

Nearly all your friends and family think he’s not suitable.

He is irresponsible with money. Huge credit card debts for things he doesn’t really need?

He shows no sign of ever wanting to work at a steady job.

His family members include nosey, intruding, controlling, or irresponsible people. They’re going to be around for the rest of your life, unless you move 500 miles away.

A good, Catholic man who is available for marriage is a rare treasure. But, don’t rush into marriage with the wrong guy, because that’s much worse than being single.

Any more thoughts? Sign me, Rob “I married a good one,” in Oregon. We’re coming up on our 27th anniversary! A happy, lifetime marriage is possible!

God bless. Don’t give up… - Rob
 
–if your friends or family have warned you against it! Chances are that they are seeing something you’re not.

(Sometimes it seems to me that many women are just adept at picking the wrong men. Example)
 
Don’t marry him if…

You can’t trust him to raise your children right when you aren’t looking.

He is too attached to mommy’s apron strings.

He has no respect for his mother. She’s already family. Once you are family too, don’t expect him to take you for granted any less.

You can’t agree about kids and money.
 
Don’t marry him if…

he makes an unkind remark about a handicapped person

you suspect he is lying to you about something. Trust your instincts. I don’t think that a liar will ever say, “Caught me this time!” if you indicate you think they’re not being forthright. They will run circles around you until you think there must be something wrong with you for suspecting them.

he is rude to his mother, unless you don’t mind your children having a father who thinks being rude to their mother is OK. He will also be rude to you in front of them, and you will have a whole new generation of boys who think this is all normal.

he makes fun of people

a family member who you know loves you, does not like the person. If you have a healthy family, and a good brother, always ask his opinion about a man you might want to date. If a good man doesn’t like him, there’s good reason. And ask before you start DATING, not before you get engaged!

he does not want to protect your chastity. I suppose many people on this list did not follow this advice and are happy in their marriages. It is far too risky, as I think the high divorce rate is to a large extent caused by people marrying with judgement that has been clouded by physical involvment.

he ever says anything derogatory about the Catholic faith and is not open to learning the truth about the topic. For instance, if he says that “the Church murdered millions of people in the Crusades/Inquisition/whatever”. Intelligent people, decent people, don’t base their opinions on a complete lack of information.

Don’t marry ANYONE if you find yourself dating such a person for any length of time after they exhibit any of these traits. You are showing signs that you will accept less than you should, and you are on the road to making a terrible choice of marriage partners. You need to step back, find out why you’re like this, and get beyond it.

And don’t look for a marriage partner without Mary’s help!
 
Wow, you’re very assertive, I agree with all of them

I’d say, don’t marry a non-catholic in the 1st place, BUT take into consideration that not just because a man is catholic means that he’s automatically good…

I think is always good to take into consideration what’s on the list just in ANY guy…

My ex-bf goes to Church everyday and prays The Rosary constantly, and yet before knowing me he was a heavy drinker, he quit when he met me, and for what I know now he doesn’t drink anymore (that’s great)… And besides that, he has a bad temper and was controlling, that’s why the relationship didn’t work…

So you see, you can always find flaws you can’t live with in catholic men… But I wouldn’t recommend dating someone who doesn’t even go to Church just because they’re nice, God is ALWAYS first and you need to be with someone who thinks the same. 😃
 
LittleRose said:
He has no respect for his mother. She’s already family. Once you are family too, don’t expect him to take you for granted any less.
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I’d add watch how he treats ALL the women in his life - siblings, other family, female partners of male family and friends, female coworkers … tells you a lot about how he views women in general.
You can’t agree about kids and money.
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Or sex, religion, politics … if you can’t either agree or respectfully differ on the key issues that’s a huge red flag.
 
–if your friends or family have warned you against it! Chances are that they are seeing something you’re not.
Click to expand...
Unless of course your family and friends blame him for converting you to the horrible Catholic Church and severely dislike him because of this. Then I say don’t listen to them!
 
Don’t marry a man who cheats on his taxes.

Don’t marry a man who won’t pray with you.

Don’t marry a man who refers to his family as “good Catholics” even though they haven’t been in an actual Church in decades.
 
Don’t marry a man who considers it an argument and you “challenging him” just for disagreeing about an issue.

Don’t marry a man who has no long-term career goals.
 
Pay close attention to what his mother says about him, and believe her.
 
Did I miss the thread entitled: “Don’t marry HER if …”?

It took me 22 years of dating to find the good Catholic woman who now is my wife.
 
Corki said:
Don’t marry a man who refers to his family as “good Catholics” even though they haven’t been in an actual Church in decades.
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Good one.

Don’t marry a man who thinks that strip clubs are fine so long as he only looks but doesn’t touch.

Don’t marry a man who has pushed you or hit you. Never never never. It will only get much worse once you are married.

Don’t marry a man who says that he “doesn’t believe in tipping.”

Don’t marry a man who doesn’t pay child support & never sees his kids from a previous marriage but blames it all on his evil ex wife. (LOSER)

Don’t marry a man who thinks that the perfect vacation is a six pack in front of the tv watching sports for a week. (unless you are also a HUGE sports fan - in which case, maybe it’s the perfect match?!) GO BEARS!!! 😉

Don’t marry a man you’ve know less than 6 months.
 
Don’t marry a man…

…You’ve just met in the past couple of months. Yes, things feel wonderful. Feelings have nothing to do with it. Wait until you know him.

…Whose family doesn’t seem to like you, either with subtle or overt actions and comments over time, unless you two plan to live on the other side of the continent from them.

…Who you have dated for years and years, and has one excuse after another not to marry. He’s not biting. Throw him back and start fishing again.

…That has an oddity on which you can’t put your finger. Don’t be so desperate. Follow up on the oddity, and see where it takes you. If it’s something mild or just a quirk, that will show. If he’s hiding something big, that will show as well. Until you know for sure, don’t marry him.

…If he ever physically abuses you, even once, even just a hit across the face, or grabs your arm so hard it’s red and starting to bruise, and he’s apologizing all over the place. Yes, it will happen again. Walk away. Fast.

…Who thinks your money is his money, and his money is his money.

…Does not have the common courtesies. Does he allow you to unload the car after a day of shopping, or does he help you? Can he hold a door, or does he try to rush through it? Does he use, “please, thank you, excuse me”? At a party, is he the first to rush the buffet, or can he hold back a moment and let others by?

…Keeps his little black book after the engagement. They are not just his “friends”.
 
All of these ring true. One thing to keep in mind though is that abusers/control freaks are really adept at presenting you with a false and wonderful image at first. It’s only once they know they “have” you that they start to reveal the other side of their personality. Way back when we were in highschool, my husband decided he wanted me. I didn’t even know who he was. He started leaving me anonymous love poems. I found out later that he had actually drawn up a flow chart of how he was going to win me. He was very much a gentleman at first, and literally swept me off my feet. It wasn’t until I was “in love” with him that he started to hurt me, and by then I was so confused and actually felt sorry for him because of how he had been abused as a kid.

So, my point I am trying to make, is that even if you are in love and care for someone who it turns out is willing to hurt you, it is really important to not stay with him. If you are dating, break up. If you are engaged, don’t get married. If you are married, don’t do what I did and wait around year after year for it to get better. It won’t, no matter how hard you try. Plus that, it is terribly harmful for the children to grow up thinking that this is what marriage is and that it is OK to treat or be treated in this way. You don’t want your daughters to grow up to marry abusers or your sons to grow up and hurt their wives.
 
don’t marry a man whose father abuses his mother, and whose brothers abuse their wives and girlfriends. that is the only behavior he will ever know how to model.

watch how he treats inferiors, employees, servants, and children.

listen to how he speaks about minorities, co-religionists, people with whom he disagrees on matters of politics, ethics or religion.

how does he react to minor disappointments, sudden changes in plans or schedules, honest mistakes, the frustrations of daily life. is everything a huge deal? are his feelings the only ones that matter? does he have the ability to see someone else’s side of the story? does he carry resentment to great lengths? does he keep rehashing such events and looking for people to blame about every negative circumstance?
 
Ohhh I’ve got one…

Don’t marry ( or date ) a man who makes you cry. My mom told me this and was spot on.
 
Don’t marry a man or woman you haven’t known for two and a half years.

Don’t marry a man or woman who is “moody.”

Don’t marry a man or woman who brags.

Don’t marry a man or woman who lies, especially to impress you.

Don’t marry a man or woman who tries to tell you what to wear.

Don’t marry a man or woman or woman who doesn’t take your opinion seriously.

Don’t marry a man or woman who thinks cruelty to others or racism is funny.

Don’t marry anyone you are dating while having recurring nightmares of snakes and disasters.

Don’t marry man or woman whose parents seem glad to be rid of him or her.

Don’t marry a man or woman who is chronically late for dates, classes, appointments.

Marry a Catholic.

Dump any man who dates you for a year, appears to be in a position to marry, yet hasn’t brought it up. If you want to get married, that is.

Don’t date steady if you are not looking for a spouse.
 
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