Eloping?

[BlueEyedLady]

I also have to admit, my husband wasn’t really forth coming about the fact that he wasn’t a practicing Mormon anymore. He didn’t say, “Mom, Dad, I’m leaving the Mormon church.” Partly because he never felt that strongly about it–on the fence, you know?

But he was up front about all his actions: He didn’t go on a mission (a big heart break for his family. They felt like failures and sort of mourned his choice, but they got over it). He was marrying a Catholic. We attend Catholic church. The kids go to Catholic school. He will happily attend Mormon services when visiting them, but he does not go at home.

So, I’m not advocating your fiance lay out every reason why he can’t be Catholic to them. But he shouldn’t hide anything.

We feel good about our choices. It was a bit rough at the beginning (my MIL cried when we got engaged–and not tears of joy. Ah, I laugh about that now) We have no worries. This is the place you want to be–free.

That’s a lot like what he has done. They know he doesn’t attend mass. He doesn’t even go on special occasions, and he said ‘no thank you’ when they invited him to confession. He isn’t actively hiding, he just hasn’t sat them down for a big conversation.

 

[SwizzleStick]

Back in November, on the other thread, the poster below made good points. They still apply. The family may feel that they are losing their son completely. It is admirable that you want to try to spare them pain, but I don’t think that is possible.

I think that’s admirable, but you seem to fail to realize that this is a big thing for parents to handle. This is their child, whom they have raised for quite a long time and in whom they have placed the hope that he might find his way back.

When they find out about all this, it’s going to be as if their son is being ripped from them, period. Religion is one of the most personal things a family can share together, and definitely a part of someone’s identity. Nothing you do or say will change that, or ‘lessen the blow’.

This is their SON. The son they gave birth to, raised, and tried to instill the values of their faith into, and as such, their response of hearing that not only is he planning to marry an atheist, but he himself is also an ‘atheist’ and is planning to leave the church isn’t going to be ‘oh, well, that sounds logical, so much for the very pillars of our thinking! I guess we were wrong!’

 

[SwizzleStick]

That’s a lot like what he has done. They know he doesn’t attend mass. He doesn’t even go on special occasions, and he said ‘no thank you’ when they invited him to confession. He isn’t actively hiding, he just hasn’t sat them down for a big conversation.

There is a difference between being a non-practicing Catholic and being an atheist. I would guess that many, many Catholics were non-practicing at some point, maybe in their teens and 20’s, but then they returned to full practice of the faith after settling down, getting married, having children. That scenario is not at all uncommon, so maybe the familly is thinking your fiance is in that place right now. I think they will be hurt, bewildered, devastated to learn otherwise, that your fiance does not believe at all. Damage control will likely not be possible. As a Catholic mom, I cannot even begin to imagine dealing with this situation because being Catholic is integral to every aspect of life. You indicated that your fiance’s family is devout, so surely he is aware of that?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That’s a lot like what he has done. They know he doesn’t attend mass. He doesn’t even go on special occasions, and he said ‘no thank you’ when they invited him to confession. He isn’t actively hiding, he just hasn’t sat them down for a big conversation.

Do they know that YOU are an atheist, or have you two avoided the topic altogether?

 

[Della]

BlueEyedLady, you asked if a non-parishoner can make an appointment to see a parish priest. Yes, you can. Anyone can make an appointment with a Catholic priest. He will be more than happy to talk to you about your situation, advise you regarding the Church’s expectations, what to say to the family, and about your hopes and fears for the future. That’s why he’s there, so take advantage of him, so to speak. It will help your discussion with your fiance’s family, as well if they know you talked to a priest.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

BlueEyedLady, you asked if a non-parishoner can make an appointment to see a parish priest. Yes, you can. Anyone can make an appointment with a Catholic priest. He will be more than happy to talk to you about your situation, advise you regarding the Church’s expectations, what to say to the family, and about your hopes and fears for the future. That’s why he’s there, so take advantage of him, so to speak. It will help your discussion with your fiance’s family, as well if they know you talked to a priest.

Thank you! I will definitely keep that in mind.

 

[MaryHelene]

I’m sorry - still confused. You say your boyfriend did not choose to be a non-believer, but that he just “couldn’t” no matter how hard he tried. Do you believe that some people are just incapable of having faith? Do you think there is any value in practicing a religion regardless of whether or not one believes at any given time?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Do they know that YOU are an atheist, or have you two avoided the topic altogether?

Please let me know, I don’t think you’ve ever stated whether you are “out” as an atheist with his parents.

 

[SwizzleStick]

…But I don’t ever see him cutting them out. The loss of closeness wouldn’t even be a conscious or vindictive decision, just a natural reaction to that kind of pain.

That might be the natural reaction both ways. After all, how would a parent react to a child rejecting not only the Church, but God Himself, thus rejecting a life, life lessons taught? Being a devout Catholic is not a Sunday only thing, it is a live and breath thing. How would a parent react to a child rejecting that, something so integral to being?

As I said before, this is truly a very sad situation for all concerned.

 

[SwizzleStick]

Please let me know, I don’t think you’ve ever stated whether you are “out” as an atheist with his parents.

Either way, I would think family might think influence was a factor in son’s atheism. As a parent, that influence probably would not be viewed positively.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Please let me know, I don’t think you’ve ever stated whether you are “out” as an atheist with his parents.

I don’t think so. It really isn’t my place to blurt that out to them. They asked if I attended church, and I told them that I was raised Protestant but that I was not religious.

But rest assured, he had been an atheist for years before I met him. Whether they blame me or not is another issue all together.

 

[PatriceA]

I don’t think so. It really isn’t my place to blurt that out to them. They asked if I attended church, and I told them that I was raised Protestant but that I was not religious.

But rest assured, he had been an atheist for years before I met him. Whether they blame me or not is another issue all together.

You could have saved both of yourselves a ton of grief if you had told them the truth from the very beginning. And personally, I would be having second thoughts about a guy that has never been able to tell his parents he is an atheist until he’s thinking about eloping. If he is that good at keeping his new belief system a secret for that long, I’d be wondering if he can be that good at keeping secrets from me.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You could have saved both of yourselves a ton of grief if you had told them the truth from the very beginning. And personally, I would be having second thoughts about a guy that has never been able to tell his parents he is an atheist until he’s thinking about eloping. If he is that good at keeping his new belief system a secret for that long, I’d be wondering if he can be that good at keeping secrets from me.

I wouldn’t consider this a secret. If they asked he would tell them. He’s never done anything to hide it. All he has done is not sit them down for a big announcement.

 

[SwizzleStick]

…But rest assured, he had been an atheist for years before I met him. Whether they blame me or not is another issue all together.

Right or wrong, they may blame you. They likely will not see you as an ally, not from a strictly Catholic perspective. In that viewpoint, atheism will keep you and their son from Heaven. In that sense, as devout Catholics, they likely will see you as very much a threat to their son’s eternal salvation. Not to be unkind, but they may view you as toxic because you support something anethema to their beliefs and being. Their son may support it, believe it too, but they may not see that. Perhaps in time they would, but deep emotion and feelings of loss, betrayal, hurt, devastation, anger, etc., may keep them from seeing (or hearing) much and they may just see you as the reason for their pain and loss.

 

[maryjk]

I wouldn’t consider this a secret. If they asked he would tell them. He’s never done anything to hide it. All he has done is not sit them down for a big announcement.

I bet his parents will see it as a secret. Most everyone else will as well.

I see it as a lie, a lie of omission. And I would be concerned about anyone that would willing lie to his parents.

What else won’t he think is important? A co-worker asking him out on a date? Being fired from his job? Getting a pay cut? Believing in God? What else won’t he share with them, and maybe you?

 

[PatriceA]

I bet his parents will see it as a secret. Most everyone else will as well.

I see it as a lie, a lie of omission. And I would be concerned about anyone that would willing lie to his parents.

What else won’t he think is important? A co-worker asking him out on a date? Being fired from his job? Getting a pay cut? Believing in God? What else won’t he share with them, and maybe you?

Its at the very least deception. What’s that old saying, “oh the tangled webs we weave when we practice to deceive”.

The whole situation is quite sad. I feel for the parents, I feel for the OP and her fiance. I can’t imagine this is going to end well anytime soon.

 

[thewanderer]

I don’t think so. It really isn’t my place to blurt that out to them. They asked if I attended church, and I told them that I was raised Protestant but that I was not religious.

But rest assured, he had been an atheist for years before I met him. Whether they blame me or not is another issue all together.

This really could change things… Especially since they probably don’t already know that you are an atheist I would strongly recommend talking to them about all of this before making any final decisions about your wedding. Tell them about you and your husbands beliefs and explain that you want to let them know because it will affect their reaction to and acceptance of your wedding. Explain it all lovingly and carefully, being sure to show that you have gone out of your way to try and do things in a way acceptable to the Catholic Church but that it just is not possible for you to do that in this situation. See how they react and give them time to digest all of this. Once they have had tie to digest all of this information, then you can use their opinion of the situation to help you judge as to whether or not it would be more prudent to elope. I think you need to sort out this issue first though.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I bet his parents will see it as a secret. Most everyone else will as well.

I see it as a lie, a lie of omission. And I would be concerned about anyone that would willing lie to his parents.

What else won’t he think is important? A co-worker asking him out on a date? Being fired from his job? Getting a pay cut? Believing in God? What else won’t he share with them, and maybe you?

Oh please. A relationship between a grown man and his mom is different than one between spouses. I certainly don’t tell my mom everything. In fact there are things about me I never plan to tell her. That’s normal and doesn’t say anything about what kind of wife I will be.

 

[aloe]

I don’t see any reason to hurt the parents feelings any more by telling them neither one believes in God. If the parents pay attention to cues they will see what is and isn’t important to these two adults. They were happy when he proposed to her. The son has been acting a certain way for awhile and they have enough information on both their son and future DIL to reach a conclusion given the details that have been provided both vebally and non verbally. To me this signals if the parents haven’t directed asked they would either not know or want to carefully step around and handle the issue in their own way for their own reasons. No reason to make a big ordeal by sitting them down for what is suppose to be a happy occasion and “confessing” their internal belief system and then asking how to hurt them the least.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I don’t think it’s wise to catastrophize when it comes to how BEL’s boyfriend’s parents may or may not react or who they may or may not blame when “the announcement” is made. We’re not them. The fact is we don’t know. The only things we do know are what BEL has told us about his parents and how we ourselves might react if one of our kids were in this situation.

True story:

The oldest daughter of the homeschooling, large family-having, TLM-attending, NFP-following, extremely devout couple who taught our pre-cana class converted to another religion to marry a man. Her parents attended the wedding, which was held according to the laws of her new religion at their house of worship. I know this because their living room was full of pictures of said wedding. Their living room also was full of pictures of their baby grandson.

Being the nosy biddy I am, and because it was so obviously not a Catholic ceremony, I asked the woman about the wedding. She matter-of-factly said her daughter had converted to this other religion, that it was hard, they prayed about it daily, but they loved their daughter, their son-in-law, and their first grandbaby was joy of their lives. Period.

Moral of this story: people don’t know their mettle until it’s tested.

Luna