Eloping?

[mamaslo]

This really could change things… Especially since they probably don’t already know that you are an atheist I would strongly recommend talking to them about all of this before making any final decisions about your wedding. Tell them about you and your husbands beliefs and explain that you want to let them know because it will affect their reaction to and acceptance of your wedding. Explain it all lovingly and carefully, being sure to show that you have gone out of your way to try and do things in a way acceptable to the Catholic Church but that it just is not possible for you to do that in this situation. See how they react and give them time to digest all of this. Once they have had tie to digest all of this information, then you can use their opinion of the situation to help you judge as to whether or not it would be more prudent to elope. I think you need to sort out this issue first though.

No. This is not her responsibility. Her OH needs to deal with his own parents.

 

[maryjk]

Oh please. A relationship between a grown man and his mom is different than one between spouses. I certainly don’t tell my mom everything. In fact there are things about me I never plan to tell her. That’s normal and doesn’t say anything about what kind of wife I will be.

Very true. You could be right, just because he is willing to lie and hide things from his parents doesn’t mean that he will lie and hide things from you.

Of course he is doing it for their own good. He doesn’t want to upset them.

I don’t think it’s wise to catastrophize when it comes to how BEL’s boyfriend’s parents may or may not react or who they may or may not blame when “the announcement” is made. We’re not them. The fact is we don’t know. The only things we do know are what BEL has told us about his parents and how we ourselves might react if one of our kids were in this situation.

True story:

The oldest daughter of the homeschooling, large family-having, TLM-attending, NFP-following, extremely devout couple who taught our pre-cana class converted to another religion to marry a man. Her parents attended the wedding, which was held according to the laws of her new religion at their house of worship. I know this because their living room was full of pictures of said wedding. Their living room also was full of pictures of their baby grandson.

Being the nosy biddy I am, and because it was so obviously not a Catholic ceremony, I asked the woman about the wedding. She matter-of-factly said her daughter had converted to this other religion, that it was hard, they prayed about it daily, but they loved their daughter, their son-in-law, and their first grandbaby was joy of their lives. Period.

Moral of this story: people don’t know their mettle until it’s tested.

Luna

The big difference here is that they TOLD their parents. BEL seems to think that not telling them is a kinder gentler way to handle it.

 

[thewanderer]

No. This is not her responsibility. Her OH needs to deal with his own parents.

I didn’t mean to imply BEL as opposed to her boyfriend, I just meant them as a couple, whether that means only him, or both of them together.

 

[DhuAlQarnayn]

I agree with aloe that this isn’t necessarily the time or the place to have a big sit-down-Mom-and-Dad-I’m-an-atheist announcement. They’ve known for years that he’s not religious, doesn’t attend church even for Christmas or Easter, his fiancee is not from a Catholic background, and she doesn’t go to church either. And they apparently have an excellent and open relationship with the son and his fiancee. I highly doubt they expect there to be a church wedding, and I’m sure they’re aware that his son does not consider himself a Christian. Both sides have avoided explicitly bringing it up to avoid awkwardness and hurt feelings, but it’s not a secret. If the son were faithfully attending mass with them every week just in order to keep them happy then it might be different, but they already know that neither he nor his fiancee has been to church in years. If they ask him point-blank “are you an atheist” then of course he should tell them, but they haven’t because it’s easier for everybody not to vocalize it. Turning this around and saying “I would be concerned about marrying such a man, because if he can hide such a thing from his parents what will he hide from me?” is just absurd. Both sides have amply communicated their desire to just not talk about the subject.

 

[aloe]

I do want to take the advice about talking to a priest though. What is usually the best way to do that? Do they take appointments from non parishers?

This is the best course of action for sure and the real issue can be discussed, not going off on a tangent like happened here and making you feel bad. You shouldn’t feel bad when you are just trying to help and hurt the least feelings.

Priests do take appointments and even walk-ins depending on their schedule. My DH and I had an issue and he suggested I go talk with a priest about it since it had to do with a religious topic. So I put it off and put it off but finally one day went in a whim during a drive when I was not a member.
I just drove up to the church, parked, went in, and spoke with the priest. It was EASY, in fact, I wondered why in the world I didn’t just do that sooner. The short appointment answered the issue in a way that was so easy for me to understand and relate back to DH. If the priest isn’t there the office should be able to make you an appointment no problem.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t think so. It really isn’t my place to blurt that out to them. They asked if I attended church, and I told them that I was raised Protestant but that I was not religious.

But rest assured, he had been an atheist for years before I met him. Whether they blame me or not is another issue all together.

It’s OK, I was just curious as to whether either of you had disclosed the truth.

 

[newf]

Moral of this story: people don’t know their mettle until it’s tested.

Luna

Exactly.

My daughter is an adult who has quit going to church. She took up with a non-practicing Jewish guy. They dated and were talking marriage. She made it very clear to me that she would NOT be having a church wedding.

My response was ‘that’s fine with me’. What is the point of me freaking out or telling her how disappointed I am? As Luna’s friend above, I was not about to lose her over this situation. She knows all about our faith and she chooses right now to be distant. I only mentioned that she and he needed to figure out what they were going to do if they had children and if each of them returned to their original faiths, as that happens often. Would the children be Jewish? Catholic? I let them wrestle that one by themselves.

And I prayed and continue to pray for her to come back to the faith.

Long story short. They broke up. Didn’t really get the whole story on why, but I know it had nothing to do with us not accepting them.

OP, I don’t think you need to have some big conversation with your fiance’s parents about your atheism. They already know you don’t go to church. They know their son doesn’t go. If they wanted to know more, they’d ask. Personally, I never asked my daughter because I think life will bring her opportunities to change her mind. And I don’t want her to have to feel like she has to defend herself to me. I’m her mom and I want her to always be able to approach me. That is the way I show her my love.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I agree with aloe that this isn’t necessarily the time or the place to have a big sit-down-Mom-and-Dad-I’m-an-atheist announcement. They’ve known for years that he’s not religious, doesn’t attend church even for Christmas or Easter, his fiancee is not from a Catholic background, and she doesn’t go to church either. And they apparently have an excellent and open relationship with the son and his fiancee. I highly doubt they expect there to be a church wedding, and I’m sure they’re aware that his son does not consider himself a Christian. Both sides have avoided explicitly bringing it up to avoid awkwardness and hurt feelings, but it’s not a secret. If the son were faithfully attending mass with them every week just in order to keep them happy then it might be different, but they already know that neither he nor his fiancee has been to church in years. If they ask him point-blank “are you an atheist” then of course he should tell them, but they haven’t because it’s easier for everybody not to vocalize it. Turning this around and saying “I would be concerned about marrying such a man, because if he can hide such a thing from his parents what will he hide from me?” is just absurd. Both sides have amply communicated their desire to just not talk about the subject.

He probably should have had the discussion some time ago to allow time for acceptance or something like it, and I personally don’t see how it can be put off any longer if he intends to get married anytime soon. He is a Catholic, which means he must have a Catholic wedding, at least in his family’s eyes, or at the very least receive necessary dispensations or his marriage will be invalid, again, in the eyes of the family. The subject has to be broached and soon.

 

[PatriceA]

I don’t see any reason to hurt the parents feelings any more by telling them neither one believes in God. If the parents pay attention to cues they will see what is and isn’t important to these two adults. They were happy when he proposed to her. The son has been acting a certain way for awhile and they have enough information on both their son and future DIL to reach a conclusion given the details that have been provided both vebally and non verbally. To me this signals if the parents haven’t directed asked they would either not know or want to carefully step around and handle the issue in their own way for their own reasons. No reason to make a big ordeal by sitting them down for what is suppose to be a happy occasion and “confessing” their internal belief system and then asking how to hurt them the least.

You wouldn’t be the least bit curious why your child that you raised in the Catholic faith is not having a Catholic wedding ceremony? You wouldn’t have any questions at all about what is taking place? I certainly would! Did I miss something? What details have been given by either the son or the OP that the parents have reached any conclusion about their beliefs? I got the impression that the family is presuming there is a church wedding in the future.

 

[SwizzleStick]

You wouldn’t be the least bit curious why your child that you raised in the Catholic faith is not having a Catholic wedding ceremony? You wouldn’t have any questions at all about what is taking place? I certainly would! Did I miss something? What details have been given by either the son or the OP that the parents have reached any conclusion about their beliefs? I got the impression that the family is presuming there is a church wedding in the future.

Yep. This. I don’t see how it would be possible to not bring it up at all.

 

[mini_me640]

BEL,

I know you’re getting a hard time from some, but I have to say that, even though I have a different view than you since I am Catholic, I think it says a lot of good things about you that you care enough about your FH’s family that you have spent time on this forum, learning about Catholic beliefs, and now are trying to figure out the best way to approach what you know will probably be very difficult for them. I also appreciate that you aren’t willing to fake a Catholic wedding and agree to things you don’t believe in just to keep peace.

Personally, I don’t know if it is necessary to tell his family “neither one of us believes in God at all” unless they ask. Simply saying that neither one of you is practicing any religion and so are not planning to have a Church wedding of any sort might well be sufficient. Maybe ask them if, with the lack of a church wedding, if they would still like to attend a ceremony, or if they would be more comfortable with an elopement? Since you seem open to either option. I’m not saying you shouldn’t tell them about your atheism, just that it may or may not be necessary or helpful to anyone and only you two can figure that out.

Best of luck to you!

 

[mini_me640]

You wouldn’t be the least bit curious why your child that you raised in the Catholic faith is not having a Catholic wedding ceremony? You wouldn’t have any questions at all about what is taking place? I certainly would! Did I miss something? What details have been given by either the son or the OP that the parents have reached any conclusion about their beliefs? I got the impression that the family is presuming there is a church wedding in the future.

Personally, if the child in question hasn’t been practicing and has refused to attend Mass with the family during holiday visits, I wouldn’t be surprised at all that he wasn’t marrying in the Church.

 

[PatriceA]

Personally, if the child in question hasn’t been practicing and has refused to attend Mass with the family during holiday visits, I wouldn’t be surprised at all that he wasn’t marrying in the Church.

There is a HUGE difference though between his not wanting to go to mass during family visits and now declaring oneself is an atheist and also marrying an atheist. When would you expect that little bit of knowledge to be told to the parents? After the wedding, when the first grandchild is celebrating their first birthday? I would be horrified as a parent if my child didn’t have the courtesey to disclose to me that they were an atheist and my now daughter in law is also an atheist. What good could possibly come from not telling the parents until after the wedding/elopement?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Frankly, I can’t imagine not asking either of my sons what the Sam Hill is going on with them, if they stopped going to Mass. When our younger son wasn’t going to Mass, it was a problem to me! (And God, but at the time, son wasn’t focusing on his relationship with God.) They would have to actively LIE in order to hide something like that from me. If one of them visited and refused to go to Mass on a Holy Day of Obligation like Easter, I would already know, in my heart, that something was VERY wrong, and I would ask them directly, “What is going on with you? Let’s discuss this.”

I think the family may not want to know. Or one of the parents may prefer to stay in denial.

 

[ryecroft]

No. This is not her responsibility. Her OH needs to deal with his own parents.

Gotta agree here - my husband and I made a decision before we got married - he dealt with his side I dealt with mine - that has worked very well as I don’t know how I would have handled certain situations and this is with us being both Catholic and married in the Church.
I do like some of the other posters ideas about why make it a big deal about telling the parents. Honestly if they haven’t figured it out that their son isn’t at the very least no longer a Catholic or no longer a practicing Catholic, then I don’t think they want to figure it out.
Let him decide what to do about his family - (yes they will technically become your relatives but you will never know them the way he did growing up with them)- there’s a reason he probably wants to keep his head in the sand.
It really is admirable on your part that you want to keep the parents from as much hart ache as possible.
Good luck!
Rye

 

[mini_me640]

Frankly, I can’t imagine not asking either of my sons what the Sam Hill is going on with them, if they stopped going to Mass. When our younger son wasn’t going to Mass, it was a problem to me! (And God, but at the time, son wasn’t focusing on his relationship with God.) They would have to actively LIE in order to hide something like that from me. If one of them visited and refused to go to Mass on a Holy Day of Obligation like Easter, I would already know, in my heart, that something was VERY wrong, and I would ask them directly, “What is going on with you? Let’s discuss this.”

I think the family may not want to know. Or one of the parents may prefer to stay in denial.

This is kind of what I was thinking. The fact that they haven’t asked why he doesn’t go to Mass when they all go on a holiday makes me think they probably have an idea and really don’t want to hear it.

 

[mini_me640]

There is a HUGE difference though between his not wanting to go to mass during family visits and now declaring oneself is an atheist and also marrying an atheist. When would you expect that little bit of knowledge to be told to the parents? After the wedding, when the first grandchild is celebrating their first birthday? I would be horrified as a parent if my child didn’t have the courtesey to disclose to me that they were an atheist and my now daughter in law is also an atheist. What good could possibly come from not telling the parents until after the wedding/elopement?

I’m just saying if they already know the couple is non-religious, do they really need to be told how non-religious? Is there a huge practical difference in total apathy and unbelief as far as the family is concerned? If they haven’t asked, I’m thinking they really don’t want to know or they’ve already kind of figured it out.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

I didn’t think so either. And I didn’t think just having a priest or deacon there would make it valid. Now I’m confused and scouring the internet…

BEL
I believe there is room to move in this area.

In order that I might investigate my suspicions a little further may I ask a question of you in an area that you may have (to my slow mind) intentionally avoided - your own christian background. Namely, have you been provably baptized?

You did mention you are an atheist, one of the few “religions” of choice (my father had a foot in that church). Funny how the “choice-est” cuts of meat are usually the smallest part of the creature…which is probably why baptism (the least choice) is important for Catholics and why I need to know your answer to research this further for you.

My apologies for this instrusive question or if you have answered this elsewhere - its a long thread .

 

[Musician]

Quick background for those who don’t know-I’m an atheist young woman engaged to the most wonderful man in the universe. He was baptized and confirmed Catholic, and raised in a very, very Catholic family. (All wonderful people. I feel like the only person in the world who is actually looking forward to in-laws.) He does not believe in God, his family knows that he does not go to or participate in mass, but they don’t know that he doesn’t believe it all.

The time has come for us to really start planning our wedding. Originally we were going to have a small but fairly traditional wedding. (Not in a church of course) But now life is hitting us and we are realizing that the money that could be spent on a wedding would be better spent elsewhere. Also, our families are from two different states (and we live in a third) so getting everyone together in a central location for a ceremony is going to be a nightmare. We both work full-time, and I am starting law school in the fall, so our stress levels are high and our free time is short. I really just want to elope. Of course I would tell my friends and family first that that was our plan. I know that my family would be supportive, but his might not be. Of course, I’m not sure how supportive they would be of a non church wedding with no mention of god between a baptized Catholic turned atheist and an atheist. It isn’t their fault, but there is nothing that we could do that would make them happy. And despite how I sometimes come across in these forums, I hate hurting feelings. Between the cost, the time, the stress, and the potential hurt feelings this wedding thing is starting to feel out of control.

But really, the idea of skipping town for a few days, getting married privately and intimately, and then spending a few days just enjoying our new marriage sounds very romantic and appealing. Of course we would have a small reception to celebrate when we got back. Maybe have a BBQ or something else low-key.

My fiance and I are considering this. I ran the idea past my best friend and he thought that it sounded nice, but that I would always regret not having that big dream wedding that “everyone wants”. I really don’t think that’s the case. I’m just not a big wedding kind of girl. But at the same time I can’t get that thought out of my mind.

If we decide that this is something that we want he’s of course going to tell his family the plan, and if there is a lot of hurt or resentment of course that plan will change. I don’t want to start a marriage off like that but right now I am so out of ideas. This is daunting and I’m feeling overwhelmed.

So I guess what I’m asking for is the advice of people who have eloped, or know someone who has. Or who would have strong feelings on their kids doing it. Advice from anyone who has any alternative ideas is welcomed too.

Hi! Kudos to you for coming to this forum to ask advice! We all love to give it!
I would seriously consider the elopement with a reception afterwards. That way you sidestep the whole religion issue.
Hope to see you again on the forum!! Congratulations and good luck in your married life.

 

[SummerSmiles]

Frankly, I can’t imagine not asking either of my sons what the Sam Hill is going on with them, if they stopped going to Mass. When our younger son wasn’t going to Mass, it was a problem to me! (And God, but at the time, son wasn’t focusing on his relationship with God.) They would have to actively LIE in order to hide something like that from me. If one of them visited and refused to go to Mass on a Holy Day of Obligation like Easter, I would already know, in my heart, that something was VERY wrong, and I would ask them directly, “What is going on with you? Let’s discuss this.”

I think the family may not want to know. Or one of the parents may prefer to stay in denial.

I think that there have been some good points made here regarding this. I don’t think it was necessary for the son to sit his parents down and say, “well, I don’t believe in the CC right now.” The fiancee hasn’t been going to church for quite a while. In fact, he’s even turned down invitations from his family to attend on certain occasions. That alone says that something is going on that is more than the typical 20 something who just doesn’t want to set aside the time for church. He’s actively turned down invitations to attend. The writing is on the wall, so to speak. I think that it’s likely that his parents already know what the answer will be if they do ask him about it…which may be why they haven’t yet.

Still, I know of a few “very Catholic” families who might still expect a church wedding, even knowing that the son doesn’t regularly attend church. I know that my own MIL was very adamant about her son (my BIL) having a church wedding, even though he hadn’t set foot in a church for years prior to getting married and he didn’t set foot in a church for years after the wedding either.