Hi An585,
I, too, responded to your fiance’s original thread and I was struck by how remorseful he sounded. I urged him to be COMPLETELY honest with you about EVERYTHING… not just about this sad situation, but about EVERYTHING that may come up in the future (assuming you two have a future together.)
My husband fell into temptation a few years ago, not complete adultery, but as your fiance said, just about everything up to. Yes it was hard to forgive, even harder to forget (I don’t think one ever forgets) but we did emerge stronger. Of course, for me, divorce was never an option. You can choose to move on with your life and put him behind you. Or you can work with him to help him find out just WHAT it is that led him to make these kind of destructive choices. Counseling (either for him alone or both of you) is a good idea. So is finding ways for him to regain your trust. After my husband’s betrayal, he literally gave me the power to “call all the shots”. If I didn’t want him to go to lunch with his co-workers (who liked meeting and flirting with women from other departments), then he brown-bagged it at his desk. If he was offered a ride to an out-of-town meeting in a company car with other women, he’d drive his own and pay for his own gas. These are just a few examples… and neither one was MY suggestion. HE began policing himself, even more than this (he’d call me from work every morning, he’d call if he was going to be more than five minutes late coming home, he’d call after every conversation he’d have with ANY woman, co-worker or acquaintance, and recount every word they said.)
Extreme? Depends. HE didn’t think so. He KNEW he’d done wrong, he KNEW I did not deserve the kind of man he had lowered himself to, he knew that HE did not deserve ME. Whatever he could do to keep me in his life, whatever it took to try to undo the damage he’d done, however long it took, even a lifetime, to rebuild the trust I’d had in him was worth it. Now it’s been over seven years. He has emerged a much stronger man, our marriage is much stronger.
The key is this:
- He stopped trusting HIMSELF, and put his trust in GOD. He always believed he was a good man who would NEVER be unfaithful. He never thought to ask God to protect him from temptation because he “was not that kind of man”. The devil LOVES to see our pride convince us we don’t need God! Now my husband prays his rosary daily, asks God humbly for protection from temptation, and actively avoids situations where he might be tempted… even if his co-workers laugh at him.
- Honesty. He told me everything and we promised each other we would always tell each other EVERYTHING. Some people think you’re doing your spouse or fiance(e) a favor by shielding them from the details. I don’t agree. After all, now the person you sinned with has MORE information than your loved one does. Knowlege is power. Besides, just knowing that you have promised to tell all to your spouse or loved one is a great incentive to toe the line. Our job is to help each other get to heaven. You can’t expect your partner to help you if he/she doesn’t know you need help. It’s not weakness to ask each other for help; it’s your strength as a couple.
All that said, I will say that I agree that you need to put off the
engagement for at least another year. Trust is not rebuilt in a few months time (and you need to heal before you can allow yourself to trust again.) And not to sound callous or mean-spirited, but he’s going to have to work his tail off to win back your love and trust… AND show that he would be willing to do this for the rest of your lives if necessary. My husband would be the first to say that if he truly loves you and is truly sorry for what he did, he would gladly accept any conditions you lay down for him (but be reasonable–a vengeful woman is NOT any sort of prize!) Be honest about your feelings, let him know you need to be able to talk to HIM about this and ANYthing that bothers you, and hopefully you will both begin to grow stronger. In time, the pain will lessen and you WILL be able to put it behind you.
I have nothing else to offer but my prayers. God bless.
listen to these words of wisdom! hold off on the marriage.