Ex-wife sleeps with 13 year old son in the same bed

[BeeSweet]

If you think your son has issues, then take him to a therapist. It is your right to do so as his father, unless you have some really restrictive custody arrangement. Tell your son you think he could benefit from talking with another adult about anything that bothers him. His mother and brother don’t need to know anything about it unless he wants to share it with them himself. Being 13 is… well, just awful for some of us. It is not normal for a boy his age to need such an attachment to his mom, and talking it out with a therapist will help him see that as well as possibly give him the support he needs if he is in an abusive situation.

Do not mention any specific reason for the therapy such as the co sleeping. Do not make it seem that he needs to be “fixed.” Find a family therapist, speak with him or her yourself first, then take your son.

Try seeking help on your own before involving CPS, who will likely be ineffectual at best, and could possibly make a bad situation worse.

Prayers for your family. I hope the best for your son during this very difficult time of life.

 

[Marie1234]

… he has other problems (or at least eyebrow raisers) and has for the 8 years we have been divorced. She is messing him up. In no way do I blame him.

This is certainly abnormal behavior, I don’t think anyone can disagree with that. It may be innocent or it may be very bad.

Even if nothing incestuous is happening, it seems like it will at minimum emotionally stunt and warp him. I would definitely try to do something to stop this behavior. It’s bad for everyone involved.

It’s hard to discern whether or not this behavior is stemming from an innocent or unnatural source without knowing the whole context of the situation. If you don’t mind, could you please briefly elaborate what these “eyebrow raising” issues are that your son has? Do they involve his mother?

By the way you have described the situation so far, I would have to say something emotionally damaging is occurring and I would do everything I could to mend the situation.

God Bless and you’re in my prayers

 

[abigailmay]

I an so disgusted by this whole thread!

FIrst of all, wow! You can talk for ALL American culture, Julianne? Because that silly head-to-foot thing suuure isn’t the norm where III live, nor is it only for “poverty”. I’m normal white 5th generation American, and you can be darned sure most people where I live have no issues sleeping with their family, regardless of income. My sister slet with our dad till she was 15, I slept with our grandmother till I was 14. Just because it’s not normal where YOU live, doesn’t mean YOUR experience covers every single State, and every region IN each state.

This is just so gross. How many of you would recognize REAL abuse when you saw it? I can’t tell you how many kids I knew growing up who went through REAL abuse, and NOBODY cares about theeem! Nobody helped THEM. Nobody cared about their bruises and bleeding and breaking into tears. And now I can see why! You’re too busy persecuting and attacking whatever doesn’t fit into your naaarow, tiiiny little view of what “normal” is. You’re afraid of something that isn’t like YOU. How do you see this and see abuse? I don’t see abuse! Did you ever think maybe there’s somethign upsetting the poor child where being made to sleep alone might make things WORSE? How do you know he isn’t lonely and cracing affection, and being turned away like that could CRUSH him! You don’t know him nor this situation, yet you’re telling his dad to call CPS. Yet how many of you would ignore the child pleading for help? ALl those poor REALLY abused kids who have to take a backseat. You know, SOME children would love to even HAVE a mother, let alone one who LOVES them! And you’re wanting to take that AWAY from him!

 

[Moore11]

You know what I see here? A thread that should never have been created. Here you have a divorced family where one parent feels the other parent is not parenting right. And surprise surprise it is the parent who does not have custody. You have an issue being argued. You have obvious feelings of resentment from the OP toward his ex with threats to call CPS and badmouthing the other person. Dragging the child into the middle of a situation that has to already be the worst thing in his life. The OP comes online, posts a question that is either out of frustration or anger or is actually a serious problem for the authorities and then gets all defensive when some may not agree with him. I’m no psychologist but the boy obviously needs something that cuddling with mommy gives him and my guess is that the situation is completely created by the two parents separating. It will only get worse if the absent parent makes a big deal about how the child sleeps.

Bottom line is that if something sexual is going on the the authorities need to be notified. (the OP already said that it isnt sexual.) and if not then perhaps the OP should make thing easier on a child by making sure he gets the security and attention and love that he is obviously seeking with this action.
Before I would put the kid in therapy Id put the parents in therapy to learn how to best help the child.

I find it odd that after so long living with the mother that this is the “sudden issue”

Personally I don’t look at this and think what is wrong with the boy but rather what is wrong with the adults. The adults that were married, created life, separated, created new lives of their own and then fight about what is wrong with the child…

I actually think the mother comforting a son is better than the typical of divorced parents that sleep with a shack up boyfriend/girlfiend in their bed. With the kid in the next room.

While she may not be doing the correct thing she is doing something that she thinks is what the boy needs. And that is motherly.

 

[emilybarrassed]

Exactly. He is beginning a time where hormones will be going off like the explosions in Parliament in V For Vendetta, and the last thing he needs is his mommy to hold him and tell him it is okay. He has ended the stage where he needs his mother to hold him and kiss his scrapes to make him feel better. He has to learn to be self-sufficient as a man, and he needs a man to teach him how. A mother simply cannot teach a boy how to be a man just as a father cannot teach a girl how to be a woman. There is a great CD by Lighthouse Catholic Media that is done by a Priest/psychologist. It’s called Ten Things Women Need To Know About Men by Father Phil Chavez, and it really explains why men need to be led by men and why they need to detach themselves from their mother. Young boys that don’t have men or fatherly figures to follow have way higher chances of having messed up lives, including being violent in both relationships and in society as a whole. Without a man to teach him what it is to be a man he will use his masculinity in a wrong way. Men need to be taught how to be men, and if they are not taught then they simply wither away in most cases. An abnormal attachment to a mother does not bode well for this boy’s future. He is looking to his mother as the fatherly figure, and in doing so he is learning how to be feminine instead of masculine.

Wait until you start your formal training to become a psychologist. You will find that your views are not inline with science. Boys actually do need their mommy to hold them when they begin to enter manhood. If a mother is there for them before but withdrawals during this incredibly difficult period, it leads to disastrous consequences. I’ve suffered in a sexless marriage for 12 years because of such a situation. Granted, my husband’s situation was a little more extreme with his mother falling into a downward spiral of depression over the course of a couple of years (ages 13-15) but before that she had been very affectionate to him. Our Priest, the Sister (a psychologist) he is in counsel with and previous counselors all believe his mother’s withdrawal of love/.physical love at this crucial time in his life is what lead to his Madonna/Whore complex. Please do some basic research before continuing to spread these beliefs.

 

[emilybarrassed]

You know what I see here? A thread that should never have been created. Here you have a divorced family where one parent feels the other parent is not parenting right. And surprise surprise it is the parent who does not have custody. You have an issue being argued. You have obvious feelings of resentment from the OP toward his ex with threats to call CPS and badmouthing the other person. Dragging the child into the middle of a situation that has to already be the worst thing in his life. The OP comes online, posts a question that is either out of frustration or anger or is actually a serious problem for the authorities and then gets all defensive when some may not agree with him. I’m no psychologist but the boy obviously needs something that cuddling with mommy gives him and my guess is that the situation is completely created by the two parents separating. It will only get worse if the absent parent makes a big deal about how the child sleeps.

Bottom line is that if something sexual is going on the the authorities need to be notified. (the OP already said that it isnt sexual.) and if not then perhaps the OP should make thing easier on a child by making sure he gets the security and attention and love that he is obviously seeking with this action.
Before I would put the kid in therapy Id put the parents in therapy to learn how to best help the child.

I find it odd that after so long living with the mother that this is the “sudden issue”

Personally I don’t look at this and think what is wrong with the boy but rather what is wrong with the adults. The adults that were married, created life, separated, created new lives of their own and then fight about what is wrong with the child…

I actually think the mother comforting a son is better than the typical of divorced parents that sleep with a shack up boyfriend/girlfiend in their bed. With the kid in the next room.

While she may not be doing the correct thing she is doing something that she thinks is what the boy needs. And that is motherly.

^An incredibly lucid response. Thank you.

 

[InJesusItrust]

This is not about what skirt length is modest or whether beards should be trimmed or not. This primordial stuff! Secular society even gets this one! What, you think the story of Oedipus was made up by some up-tight Catholics?

Research around and get back to us when you find an actual society where the teen-aged boys sleep up against their mothers. If you can find even one, I’ll find a hundred where the teen boys wouldn’t be caught dead sleeping near the older women, at least not those who are under about 75 yo, let alone cuddled up with Mom. There are psycho-physiological reasons for that.

I have had to bunk up with my grandma, and I am not even a teenager. I don’t think that being close, affectionate, or comfortable with someone has to be sexual. There is nothing sexual about it. I trust my grandmother and there is nothing sexual. We do not have infinite beds in our homes so we share.

Would you be creeped out by an adult hugging his parents, or brother and sister?

 

[pnewton]

. It may not be the correct response to this situation, but CPS and attorneys are there to help.

CPS is there to help with child abuse. You have no evidence of child abuse. I assure you that without any evidence or even hearsay about abuse, an ex-spouse’s complaints will not be well received. An attorney is always a viable option, but without sound justification and against the wishes of the 13 yoa, who will likely be throwing money down a hole.

That being said, I still find the whole idea weird. I mean, there is nothing legally abusive about getting the boy a Barbie collection, but I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry a kid raised like that. Like it or not folks, we each are entitled to our own opinions of what is proper to raising boys and girls, with or without a degree in psychology. If a parent does something that is outside the norm, perhaps it is outside the norm for a reason. This does not make the parent “wrong”, but it does mean that the action may be looked at as weird, that is, outside of the norm.

In this case, divorce, there is simply nothing that can be done about it. Custody? What would that solve? Even visitation allows adequate time for this practice to continue. Unfortunately, when two people divorce, the two parents no longer have to consult on the best way to raise a child. This is reality. There is nothing that can be done to change this. The best one can hope to do is make sure that he or she is doing the best job they can do, including not undermining or trash-talking the other parent to the child, and pray a lot.

 

[aicirt]

I sleep in the same bed with my best friends all the time, and we’re the same sex. Overzealous much?

How old are you? We’re talking about an adult woman with a 13 yr. old boy.

 

[aicirt]

…I fail to see why he’s “too old” to be loved.

It is not appropriate for a loving mother to allow or invite her son to sleep with her. It is not appropriate for a loving father to allow or invite his daughter to sleep with him. Get it?

 

[aicirt]

Well yeah. sorry to be so blunt…I imagine some of the people reading have wondered why exactly I’m making a big deal out of this. There you go. That is just one of the reasons I’m considering it a big deal. You women have no idea… what a curse is about to be put upon him.

Excellent point! This is exactly something a Dad should handle. Have you had the TALK with the boys? Wouldn’t this be an excuse to handle “the situation” while actually talking about manly things? Maybe in his heart he’s looking for an excuse to handle this too and the TALK will enable him to say no to sleeping with Mom.

 

[aicirt]

There are families in the world where everyone sleeps together on a mat.

Yes, and some people drink yak milk, and others run around bare chested and in loin cloths.

 

[aicirt]

I disagree. It’s not his call. He divorced his wife and when their son is in her custody, it’s HER call. It’s unfortunate that you don’t get it but I think if you put some effort into understanding, you would. If people can come on here in an outrage about this, other can post that they think it’s fine. It’s especially important for those of us on this side of the fence to comment b/c there have been talks about contacting CPS and a lawyer. What a terrible thing to do to his family!!! Over something that is not harmful. You and I will just have to agree to disagree but I am free to post my comments even if you don’t get it. I feel it’s important to do so.

He does not cease to be the child’s Dad. It is his concern. Actually, it is all of our concern. If and when the info gets out that a 13 yr. old is sleeping with his Mom, he’ll first be subjected to ridicule by his peers. These kids will automatically know this is weird.

If my sons came home and told me that Johnny, 13, was sleeping nightly with his Mom, I’d be concerned big time.

 

[Sarabande]

You know what I see here? A thread that should never have been created. Here you have a divorced family where one parent feels the other parent is not parenting right. And surprise surprise it is the parent who does not have custody. You have an issue being argued. You have obvious feelings of resentment from the OP toward his ex with threats to call CPS and badmouthing the other person. Dragging the child into the middle of a situation that has to already be the worst thing in his life. The OP comes online, posts a question that is either out of frustration or anger or is actually a serious problem for the authorities and then gets all defensive when some may not agree with him. I’m no psychologist but the boy obviously needs something that cuddling with mommy gives him and my guess is that the situation is completely created by the two parents separating. It will only get worse if the absent parent makes a big deal about how the child sleeps.

Bottom line is that if something sexual is going on the the authorities need to be notified. (the OP already said that it isnt sexual.) and if not then perhaps the OP should make thing easier on a child by making sure he gets the security and attention and love that he is obviously seeking with this action.
Before I would put the kid in therapy Id put the parents in therapy to learn how to best help the child.

I find it odd that after so long living with the mother that this is the “sudden issue”

Personally I don’t look at this and think what is wrong with the boy but rather what is wrong with the adults. The adults that were married, created life, separated, created new lives of their own and then fight about what is wrong with the child…

I actually think the mother comforting a son is better than the typical of divorced parents that sleep with a shack up boyfriend/girlfiend in their bed. With the kid in the next room.

While she may not be doing the correct thing she is doing something that she thinks is what the boy needs. And that is motherly.

If it is true about the ex-wife, it may be difficult, but I think both parents need to put their differences aside and focus on what is best for that child. It can’t be done if one parent is not doing that. It’s already bad enough that the parent without sole custody can’t be in his life, in his home, every day, like in the past. As a child of the 80s and 90s who saw so many of my peers suffer due to their divorced parents, no matter how much parents try to make it as easy and as painless as possible, the children will often still suffer and struggle. A 13-year-old has all these new hormonal changes, emotionally vascillating between childhood and adulthood. They sometimes don’t know how to handle these things. Add in the trauma of divorce and not having one parent there, it can be very difficult to navigate. I agree that the mother probably isn’t doing the best thing by allowing this, but it’s probably what is working to help comfort whatever his problems are at the moment. BUT she and the ex-husband need to get together now and figure out how to truly mend the problem.

 

[bilop]

I disagree. I don’t believe I was wrong, you did divorce your wife. After reading this comment, I went ahead and looked up the definition of the word to be sure and yep, I am right. Yes, I would defend you sleeping in the same bed with your 13 yo daughter.

Didn’t you read? No, he didn’t divorce his wife. His wife divorced him.

If this country, one party can unilaterally divorce the other (no-fault divorce). If his wife wanted to divorce him, there is no way he could stop her.

God Bless

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If you think your son has issues, then take him to a therapist. It is your right to do so as his father, unless you have some really restrictive custody arrangement. Tell your son you think he could benefit from talking with another adult about anything that bothers him. His mother and brother don’t need to know anything about it unless he wants to share it with them himself. Being 13 is… well, just awful for some of us. It is not normal for a boy his age to need such an attachment to his mom, and talking it out with a therapist will help him see that as well as possibly give him the support he needs if he is in an abusive situation.

Do not mention any specific reason for the therapy such as the co sleeping. Do not make it seem that he needs to be “fixed.” Find a family therapist, speak with him or her yourself first, then take your son.

Try seeking help on your own before involving CPS, who will likely be ineffectual at best, and could possibly make a bad situation worse.

Prayers for your family. I hope the best for your son during this very difficult time of life.

Trust me, no matter how nonchalant Armor of Light is about therapy, his son is going to see right through it. The son will know that something is up, something is weird, and chances are pretty good he’s not going to open up to the therapist at all. I tried this with our younger son when he was going through his problems - I wondered about some kind of sexual abuse, drugs, whatever - but he would not cooperate. He didn’t want to be there, he didn’t want to talk, and it was a waste of my time and money to try to force the issue.

Now, some kids do cooperate with therapy, but as the OP describes his son, I highly doubt he’d be one of those kids.



Raising teenagers is just HARD.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Trust me, no matter how nonchalant Armor of Light is about therapy, his son is going to see right through it. The son will know that something is up, something is weird, and chances are pretty good he’s not going to open up to the therapist at all. I tried this with our younger son when he was going through his problems - I wondered about some kind of sexual abuse, drugs, whatever - but he would not cooperate. He didn’t want to be there, he didn’t want to talk, and it was a waste of my time and money to try to force the issue.

Now, some kids do cooperate with therapy, but as the OP describes his son, I highly doubt he’d be one of those kids.



Raising teenagers is just HARD.

Hey, that’s no fair. We are completely compliant, so long as it is something we agree with.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

How old are you? We’re talking about an adult woman with a 13 yr. old boy.

Her 13 year old son, to be specific.

Boundary violations all around. If Mom can’t see that, she needs help. I can’t remember which of my sons asked to sleep in my bed once when my husband was out of town, “to keep you company, Mommy.” This was when the son was maybe 7 or 8? I actually thought about it, because I did love to cuddle with them and love on them, then said, “That’s OK, I’m just fine, we all sleep in our own beds.” They knew they could come into our bedroom if they needed us, but that sharing our bed was not an option. If they were sick I would keep them company in their room or they could be on a pallet next to the bed (but as far as I remember we never did that).

And at 13, if one of them had asked to sleep with me, I would have really wondered what the heck was going on, and we’d have had to talk. They both put distance between us at that point, and while it hurt me in a way, I totally understood their need to separate from me and be with other males and their dad. I can’t teach them how to be men, any more than my own father could teach me to be a woman.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hey, that’s no fair. We are completely compliant, so long as it is something we agree with.

ROFLcopter.

So true…You’re a pretty wise young man.

 

[aicirt]

I have had to bunk up with my grandma, and I am not even a teenager. I don’t think that being close, affectionate, or comfortable with someone has to be sexual. There is nothing sexual about it. I trust my grandmother and there is nothing sexual. We do not have infinite beds in our homes so we share.

Would you be creeped out by an adult hugging his parents, or brother and sister?

You are younger than 13 and a male? There’s no problem if you are a female. You write very well so I’m assuming you’re close to being a teenager which now makes me wonder what you’re doing on this thread. No more sleeping with Grandma. You’re a big boy not a kid.

If you’re saying you are older than a teenager and bunking with grandma, you need to go sleep on the couch or floor.