Family Members refused at Baptism Party

[kaymart]

bapcathluth:

This woman is unbelievable. She sounds like Archie Bunker’s sister. I didn’t realize there were still such racist, bigots out there. Her son really needs to speak-up about this. His children shouldn’t be allowed to hear such hateful comments about their own family, and by extension, about them.

oh but they have, comments like “at least its watered down” (I’m not hispanic) they are so far quite Anglo looking, just Grandson #1(age 5) has blondish hair with dark eyes. Son-in-law has blue eyes blonde hair like myself. I would never give this type of woman the time of day, if I met here elsewhere.

 

[Catholic90]

Her DH MUST step in and support her, standing against his mother. Is he afraid of her?

Could YOUR daughter host the baptism party at her house (or whereever she wanted) and invite who she wanted? After all, it is her child! If cost is an issue, scale the party back and just invite family!

I believe it is critical that her husband (not her) tell his mother that her insults of you must stop NOW or she will no longer be allowed to be around the children. She must think of what kind of poisonous thoughts she will be putting into their minds as they get older. I definitely would never allow the children to stay there (such as overnight) without mama present to monitor what she tells them.

 

[vluvski]

Probably the most constructive thing to do is continue venting here so you can give her another helping of sweets. Some people just won’t let you have a reasonable, agreeable option. She sounds like a real piece of work.
Just realize you aren’t alone. My future SIL and her husband have 5 beautiful children. The 5th, my godson, was baptized in July. Except my fiance and me, not a single family member showed up at the baptism, but Surprise, surprise, they all showed up at the party afterwards. I could tell my fSIL was hurt, because they swore up and down they would be there for this one (since they missed all the others too). At least they refrained from racist and anti-Catholic comments for the duration of the party.

 

[kaymart]

Catholic90:

Your DH MUST step in and support you, standing against his mother. Is he afraid of her?

Could YOU host the baptism party at your house (or whereever you wanted) and invite who YOU want? After all, it is your child! If cost is an issue, scale the party back and just invite family!

I believe it is critical that your husband (not you) tell his mother that her insults of your parents stop NOW or she will no longer be allowed to be around your children. You must think of what kind of poisonous thoughts she will be putting into their minds as they get older. I definitely would never allow your children to stay there (such as overnight) without you present to monitor what she tells them.

It’s not my husband, its my son-in-law. I was thinking to invite family back to my house, minus the guest of honor. As far as what the children hear, they are 5, 2 and newborn, I really have no control, I’m the other Grandma. As far as my daughter is concerned she stands up for herself as far as major things…Saying no to “tube tying” and her going to Mass every Sunday which angers them. (I don’t worry about him getting a vasetomy- he doesn’t want to go thru that pain ) just as well, I don’t believe in it at all, but not for that reason. But daughter has to stand up for the “little things” too, before they become big things.

 

[Catholic90]

kaymart:

It’s not my husband, its my son-in-law. I was thinking to invite family back to my house, minus the guest of honor. As far as what the children hear, they are 5, 2 and newborn, I really have no control, I’m the other Grandma. As far as my daughter is concerned she stands up for herself as far as major things…Saying no to “tube tying” and her going to Mass every Sunday which angers them. (I don’t worry about him getting a vasetomy- he doesn’t want to go thru that pain ) just as well, I don’t believe in it at all, but not for that reason. But daughter has to stand up for the “little things” too, before they become big things.

I realized that after I had posted. I edited it and corrected it

Why doesn’t your daughter have party at HER house?? That’s what I don’t understand.

 

[puzzleannie]

the person who has to take action here is your son-in-law (OP is somewhat confusing, I assume it is his mother creating the problem). He has to decide whether or not to follow the biblical injunction to leave one’s father and mother and cling to his wife. If he allows his parents to abuse his wife and disrespect her, he is breaking his marriage vows. The same goes for the wife, of course. The Baptism party should be cancelled, the parents and baby should not attend if it is held. The sacrament is celebrated during the rite in Church, not the party afterward. This same advice goes for weddings that are used as vehicles for family members to act out their grievances against each other.

my in-laws pulled the same stunt for our wedding, for similar reasons. My new Husband refused to go to his parents’ “competing event”. My mother, God rest her soul, gave us this advice: “do not begin your marriage with friction with your parents. Come to our house for the reception, which will be brief in any case, leave at a reasonable hour and stop in at your own parent’s party for a few minutes, greet everyone graciously and thank them, then leave for your honeymoon.” We swallowed our anger and followed her advice. We also made a firm resolve to live at least 250 miles away from our families and make it on our own-the secret to our success.

 

[Tom]

kaymart:

Now here’s the problem, his mother, She is a very cruel woman who call my daughter a “Catholic Breeding Machine” also anrgy now because she refuses to tie her tubes. She has called me "A (dirty word for Hispanic) fornacator(the dirty word) because my husband is Hispanic

Please say a prayer for this woman, she needs them.
I would not have (if I were your daughter) attended the parties either, nor would I have allowed my children to attend if my parents and siblings were excluded. If there had been some problem which occurred at previous parties, you’d have to consider the cause. As for your sister and her family, although rude to exclude them I don’t think it would be mandatory to invite them.

kaymart:

Her reason in the letter was these “people” would embarrassed her in front of her friends.:rolleyes

This is a point for your daughter and her husband to address, not for you to interject. If I were the husband in this marriage I would let my mother know that if my wife’s family was not acceptable then neither am I since I am now a member of their family also.
I know you are hurt by these things, my prayers are with you. This is a matter your daughter must address with her husband, without your or her mother in law interfering.

 

[Lucania]

I’m very sorry for your situation. I can’t imagine what kind of man your Daughter married that would treat his wife’s family in such a horrible, unkind and rude way! If he let’s his Mother treat you that way and does nothing to stop it, then he is just as much at fault. Your Daughter should stand firm to her Husband and if it were me, instead of your Daughter, I would not be attending her phoney party, period. I would have something myself, invite ALL of the family and if she didn’t like it, and chose not to come, so be it. But for MIL to have something and not want your family there is terribly cruel and unkind. When you marry someone, you marry their family as well. Even though part of me feels like, well who would WANT to spend time with this horrid woman(MIL), the whole situation is just wrong. I would most definately attend YOUR grandchild’s Baptism. If anyone asks if you are attending the party, simply say, we were asked not to come to Cruella Deville’s or whatever her name is party. Sorry, these type of people bring out my evil twin!

 

[Princess_Abby]

Dear Kay,

I am so sorry to hear about how hurt you’ve been by this woman’s behavior and how “in the middle” your daughter must feel about all of this.

I know this may be hard to hear, but keep a sense of humor. As angering as these situations are, there is always a comical element of the incredible absurdity. Claiming to be embarrassed by decent people is just ludicrous, and really it is her soul she places in jeopardy by her lack of charity toward your husband and your dear son. She is obviously a very cowardly woman who knows with precision exactly what she is doing, or else she would openly speak with you about why certain members of your family aren’t invited.

Puzzleannie is right, in that you are present for the true celebration during the sacramental rite, whether or not she excludes you from the par-tay that follows. Do you really want to be around people who treat you with such venom?

If you want to acknowledge the Baptism with a gathering of your own, then do so, but try to put your hurt feelings aside when it comes to MIL’s attitude.

Your daughter’s husband is the one who needs to step in here, but perhaps he is so used to being railroaded by his mother that it’s simply normal to him to hear her act so uncharitably. I don’t think that’s an excuse, I just think it might be the reality. Even though many of us might choose to not tolerate this in our own marriages, your daughter is doing as she best sees fit, and if she does not want to be confrontational about it, then so be it. I would try to ease her hurt by keeping my own feelings from overwhelming her, and just let her know you’re thrilled to have the Baptism in your Church and perhaps whenever her family is ready, they can come over for a special cake at your home.

Over time, your place will become a safe haven as this woman ages and presumably becomes more crazy. Your daughter loves you, your grandchildren love you, and that is all you need to worry about.

My own in-laws are racist toward me for being Irish. Given that they are Slavic and Italian, I don’t know if this is some weird generational thing passed down, or what, but I don’t really care, either. They are so warped that it isn’t worth my consideration, and my husband is utterly disgusted with them anyway and is thankfully clear-sighted enough to not allow their abuse into our marriage.

Sometimes these people are simply sick and learning how to have some emotional distance is the healthiest thing you can do, since they simply don’t know better or won’t act better.

 

[La_Chiara]

Princess_Abby:

My own in-laws are racist toward me for being Irish. Given that they are Slavic and Italian, I don’t know if this is some weird generational thing passed down, or what, but I don’t really care, either. They are so warped that it isn’t worth my consideration, and my husband is utterly disgusted with them anyway and is thankfully clear-sighted enough to not allow their abuse into our marriage.

Hmmm… My mother is Irish Catholic, my father is Italian Catholic, and my husband is of slavic descent and Catholic. And we have no hint of “racism” toward each other’s ethnic heritages. So I suspect it is not Slavic and Italian racism towards your Irish ethnic heritage. Also, I hope you are being flip when you say that your in-laws “are so warped that it isn’t worth [your] consideration”. Dismissing your in-laws, your husband’s family, and your future children’s grandparents as “warped” and “not worth your consideration” is uncharitably harsh. Surely, those are not your true sentiments.

 

[sparkle]

kaymart:

My daughter just gave birth to her third child and we of course are overjoyed. Today though I cringed when my daughter said I have to talk about the Baptism. The Sacrament is not the issue here. My daughter is deep in her Faith and attends Mass regulary. My son-in-law is a text book cafetria Catholic (the type that went through the Sacrament, goes to Church sometimes on Holidays if a better offer is not there.

Hello “kaymart”!!! Congrats on being a grandma again! Bless you. I am so sorry for all the family struggles you are going thru. I would really recommend that you just let go of it all, and let your daughter and her hubby handle it all themselves. You have apparently given SO much of yourself. Now it is time that they fend for themselves in their family. You and your H, go enjoy yourselves. Go to Europe or on a nice cruise somewhere. You deserve it. You have been the most wonderful parents. Let your precious daughter figure her family out for herself. She chose the fellow. I say God Bless You in being such a wonderful mom, and call your travel agent today!

Luv,
Sparkle

 

[masondoggy]

I vote for the suggestion of hosting a party of your own. Why don’t you provide the food/supplies and tell your daughter to host her OWN party at HER house? Will she go along with that? What is your daughter willing to do to rectify this situation? Is she willing to stand by and allow her MIL AND husband to walk all over her and disrespect her? If she’s willing to do that, then there’s nothing you can do for her. The ball’s in her court now, she needs to gain some backbone and stand up to that woman AND her husband. He’s a real piece of work to allow his wife to be treated that way, there is NO excuse for him.

First of all, what your DD needs to do is stand up to her husband and say I WILL NOT tolerate this baloney anymore, we will have our own party after this baptism and ALL of our relatives and friends will be invited, nobody will be excluded. And if his mom has a problem with being around her family, then she can stay home. She needs to put her foot down.

Then, she needs to call her MIL and tell her that she appreciates her offer to have a party after the Baptism but she will be having the party at her own house and if MIL would like, she can bring a dish…then politely hang up, case closed.

If money is an issue for her, make the party very simple. Cake and coffee will do. If space is an issue, check out the church social hall.

Then again, if your DD is unwilling to stand up for herself and do something about this problem, there’s nothing you can do about it except be deeply offended.

This is truly a sad situation, but the one who is ultimately responsible is your son-in-law. I don’t think you can even call someone like that a husband…

 

[BLB_Oregon]

There is nothing better to do in honor of a baptism than to swallow hard and to resolve to live your baptismal vows, including the hard command to love your enemies.

I feel for you, because this is where sanctity is the hardest. It is a passion for you, a torment and a cross that is not in your power to change. May your grandchildren be able to say of you:

"Even when my daddy’s mommy was terrible to them, Grandma and Grandpa Kaymart were always patient, always kind. They were not jealous, were not pompous, were not inflated, were not rude, did not seek their own interest, were not quick-tempered, did not brood over injuries, did not rejoice in wrong-doing, but rejoiced in the truth. They bore all things, believed all things, hoped all things, endured all things. No matter what was thrown at them, their love never failed.

"They even told Mom and Dad that we should all to try to forgive daddy’s mommy, to be patient with her faults and pray for her. They never anything but dignified around her, and never missed a chance to be kind to her.

“I hope when I grow up, I can hope I can be a good Catholic, just like Grandma and Grandpa Kaymart.”

May God speak to this woman speedily, and deliver you from this and all temptation.

 

[La_Chiara]

BLB_Oregon:

There is nothing better to do in honor of a baptism than to swallow hard and to resolve to live your baptismal vows, including the hard command to love your enemies.

I feel for you, because this is where sanctity is the hardest. It is a passion for you, a torment and a cross that is not in your power to change. May your grandchildren be able to say of you:

"Even when my daddy’s mommy was terrible to them, Grandma and Grandpa Kaymart were always patient, always kind. They were not jealous, were not pompous, were not inflated, were not rude, did not seek their own interest, were not quick-tempered, did not brood over injuries, did not rejoice in wrong-doing, but rejoiced in the truth. They bore all things, believed all things, hoped all things, endured all things. No matter what was thrown at them, their love never failed.

"They even told Mom and Dad that we should all to try to forgive daddy’s mommy, to be patient with her faults and pray for her. They never anything but dignified around her, and never missed a chance to be kind to her.

“I hope when I grow up, I can hope I can be a good Catholic, just like Grandma and Grandpa Kaymart.”

May God speak to this woman speedily, and deliver you from this and all temptation.

Awesome post! Hard as it is to do, we should all strive to such Christian love. Thanks for reminding us BLB Oregon of what Christ asks of us.

 

[kaymart]

Everyone thank you so much, As for hosting in daughter’s home, she lives in a very cute, neat, yet small 3 bedroom trailer. Large by “trailer standards” but very small Living space. I just came back for taking her to Doctors with children, (2 year check for Granddaughter) Told her Daddy, her brothers and my sister’s family (my sister is more like my daughter’s “sister” they grew up together were in the same grade all through school, born only 7 months apart) will be at the Church for that is the most important part, Witnessing Our Grandson, Nephew, Cousin Being Baptized in The Catholic Church. As for why I refuse to attend, I will simply say…I am not comfortable attending a party that excludes my husband(well, not this time but the last two), my autistic son, (other son “normal” allowed to attend) my sister(who was raised with my children, is like a daughter to me) I have so much to be thankful for a loving and caring husband, 3 wonderful children that are growing into fine young people, a sister I raised into a lovely young woman, 3 beautiful grandchildren and sister’s little ones who are like Bounus Grandkids! Daughter has my support, but has to “make her own bed” I will always be there for her and the kiddies, but I never will interfere in her Marriage. Again you all are wonderful. God Bless You All.

 

[LSK]

Lisa4Catholics:

I would approach the rude woman firsthttp://bestsmileys.com/angry1/4.gifTell her you and your family WILL be attending, if she insist on being this way go to your priest and have HIM come with you.That is cruel and shameful.http://bestsmileys.com/angry2/11.gif

I would DEFINITELY get the priest involved in this one too. I have NEVER heard of ANYONE being this cruel before in my life. Why would this person even GIVE a party if she feels this way? You, and your daughter, are saints in my book.

I have an idea - can we (all of us on the board) find out where and when the party is and just SHOW UP FOR SUPPORT???

ok, maybe it’s not a good idea…breath in…breathe out…breathe in…breathe out again…

 

[LSK]

La Chiara:

Hmmm… My mother is Irish Catholic, my father is Italian Catholic, and my husband is of slavic descent and Catholic. And we have no hint of “racism” toward each other’s ethnic heritages. So I suspect it is not Slavic and Italian racism towards your Irish ethnic heritage. Also, I hope you are being flip when you say that your in-laws “are so warped that it isn’t worth [your] consideration”. Dismissing your in-laws, your husband’s family, and your future children’s grandparents as “warped” and “not worth your consideration” is uncharitably harsh. Surely, those are not your true sentiments.

I’m Irish/Italian too - we’d have a tough time being prejudiced towards each other in my family…all of us are crazy.:whacky:

 

[kaymart]

sparkle:

Hello “kaymart”!!! Congrats on being a grandma again! Bless you. I am so sorry for all the family struggles you are going thru. I would really recommend that you just let go of it all, and let your daughter and her hubby handle it all themselves. You have apparently given SO much of yourself. Now it is time that they fend for themselves in their family. You and your H, go enjoy yourselves. Go to Europe or on a nice cruise somewhere. You deserve it. You have been the most wonderful parents. Let your precious daughter figure her family out for herself. She chose the fellow. I say God Bless You in being such a wonderful mom, and call your travel agent today!

Luv,
Sparkle

So true she married this man. As for “Mommy Dearest” she is IMO a very sick, twisted woman, that for over a decade I have kept my distance. I tried sooo many times in the 12 years I have known her to extend at least kindness if not friendship but she seems like she can’t stomach the sight of me so I just gave up trying after 1st grandchild born (2000) As for Europe, well I just love a weekend in Atlantic City NJ

 

[LSK]

kaymart:

She forbid my daughter from inviting Our Pastor, because he was also my mother’s “employer” before she retired (worked in Parish Office) and a friend of ours. He is well aware of the situation. And totally agreed with my desicion not to attend at last two. She is very anti-Catholic (had son go through Sacraments for appease her husband)

If we all showed up and popped her one in the nose would your priest hear our confessions right away?

 

[kaymart]

LSK:

I’m Irish/Italian too - we’d have a tough time being prejudiced towards each other in my family…all of us are crazy.:whacky:

The woman in question is British, anyone else is beneath her I"m Not Insulting the English!!!-this woman (The MIL) is