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kaymart
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Our Pastor might need a visiting Priest, being a good friend and knowning what went on before, he might be one of the first in line
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sparkle
Guest
Well then kaymart: go for the fun getaway in Atlantic City! You deserve it friend. And you know what else? When we get away, it really gives us a new perspective on life and on our situations. Are you calling your travel agent today? We only live once you know! Have a marvelous time! Know you are always loved here for sureSo true she married this man. As for “Mommy Dearest” she is IMO a very sick, twisted woman, that for over a decade I have kept my distance. I tried sooo many times in the 12 years I have known her to extend at least kindness if not friendship but she seems like she can’t stomach the sight of me so I just gave up trying after 1st grandchild born (2000) As for Europe, well I just love a weekend in Atlantic City NJ
God Bless You~~
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La_Chiara
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Nothing like a little humor to see it all in perspective!
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Princess_Abby
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La Chiara:
My husband’s grandfather, an Italian, sat me down the very first time he met me. My boyfriend (husband to be) at the time and I had only been dating six weeks. He told me that Italians do not mix with Irish. He considers my marriage to my husband a “mixed-racial” marriage. He explained that during the Great Depression, the Irish were spit upon and a “weak race.” He explained he didn’t want potato-eaters in the family. His grandmother sent him a picture of me and him, with a label of “Judas.” She explained in the letter she did not want Irish great-grandchildren.
During our engagement party, my husband’s father got up and said that while he doesn’t approve of the Irish in general, he was “working through his feelings” about his Italian son marrying an Irish girl. He specifically mentioned the ethnic backgrounds. He went on to say, in front of 300 people, he had never seen me take a drink and how unusual this is for any Irish person.
My husband’s mother sent me an email three days before the wedding with a percentage breakdown of what ethnic backgrounds my husband’s and I future children would be. She included a P.S. that said she really wished that her son would marry a person of Slavic descent because she feels her genes won’t be “adequately represented.”
In my book, this is warped behavior, and sadly the least of our problems with these people and not even something I am particularly insulted by because it’s so ludicrous.
Please remember that your experience is simply your experience and not something indicative of anyone else. I specifically said “generationally passed down” because clearly my husband’s family in past generations has nursed predjudice that still carries over today. I did not say that this behavior is representative of all Italians or Slavics.
I do not consider my in-laws to be worth my consideration at this point. We moved 1200 miles to get away from them, under the advice and continued support of Fr. Corapi’s community’s psychologist. They do not know where we are, they do not know about our pregnancy, and nor will they unless specific things change, conditions which they are well aware of. They are finally undergoing some counseling to deal with their abusive ways and are in contact with our therapist. If things change, we will re-evaluate. Until then, we pray for them and choose not to waste our time dwelling. Our psychologist tells us we are dealing with this in an extremely healthy and necessary way.
The actual abuse that caused us to discontinue a relationship with them is none of your business, but feel free to make further assumptions. Please keep them to yourself.
Now, to Kaymart, sorry for the thread drift, but thank La Chiara for that!
Gosh, thanks for your continued concern about my relationship with my in-laws, La Chiara. It’s really none of your business, but since you’re so curious and continually make assumptions, I’ll explain further.
My husband’s grandfather, an Italian, sat me down the very first time he met me. My boyfriend (husband to be) at the time and I had only been dating six weeks. He told me that Italians do not mix with Irish. He considers my marriage to my husband a “mixed-racial” marriage. He explained that during the Great Depression, the Irish were spit upon and a “weak race.” He explained he didn’t want potato-eaters in the family. His grandmother sent him a picture of me and him, with a label of “Judas.” She explained in the letter she did not want Irish great-grandchildren.
During our engagement party, my husband’s father got up and said that while he doesn’t approve of the Irish in general, he was “working through his feelings” about his Italian son marrying an Irish girl. He specifically mentioned the ethnic backgrounds. He went on to say, in front of 300 people, he had never seen me take a drink and how unusual this is for any Irish person.
My husband’s mother sent me an email three days before the wedding with a percentage breakdown of what ethnic backgrounds my husband’s and I future children would be. She included a P.S. that said she really wished that her son would marry a person of Slavic descent because she feels her genes won’t be “adequately represented.”
In my book, this is warped behavior, and sadly the least of our problems with these people and not even something I am particularly insulted by because it’s so ludicrous.
Please remember that your experience is simply your experience and not something indicative of anyone else. I specifically said “generationally passed down” because clearly my husband’s family in past generations has nursed predjudice that still carries over today. I did not say that this behavior is representative of all Italians or Slavics.
I do not consider my in-laws to be worth my consideration at this point. We moved 1200 miles to get away from them, under the advice and continued support of Fr. Corapi’s community’s psychologist. They do not know where we are, they do not know about our pregnancy, and nor will they unless specific things change, conditions which they are well aware of. They are finally undergoing some counseling to deal with their abusive ways and are in contact with our therapist. If things change, we will re-evaluate. Until then, we pray for them and choose not to waste our time dwelling. Our psychologist tells us we are dealing with this in an extremely healthy and necessary way.
The actual abuse that caused us to discontinue a relationship with them is none of your business, but feel free to make further assumptions. Please keep them to yourself.
Now, to Kaymart, sorry for the thread drift, but thank La Chiara for that!
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mercygate
Guest
Good Lord. This woman is Catholic? Please tell me you’re makin’ all this up!
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BLB_Oregon
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One thing is for certain: Christianity requires many deep breaths!!
One other thing is for certain kaymart: We’ll all have you in our prayers.
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aurora77
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Kay,
I’ve got to know–what on earth is your son-in-law doing about this?? As nuts as his mother sounds, he’s probably terrified of her, but he’s got to stand up to her. This is his wife’s family, he should be ashamed of his mother’s treatment of you. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this.
Abby,
It’s none of my business, but your in-laws sound nuts. I think you and your husband are fully justified in your attitude towards them.
Good luck to both of you!
I’ve got to know–what on earth is your son-in-law doing about this?? As nuts as his mother sounds, he’s probably terrified of her, but he’s got to stand up to her. This is his wife’s family, he should be ashamed of his mother’s treatment of you. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this.
Abby,
It’s none of my business, but your in-laws sound nuts. I think you and your husband are fully justified in your attitude towards them.
Good luck to both of you!
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kaymart
Guest
She is not Catholic and I could not make this up if I tried, her son is Catholic because her husband is. She sent him to Catholic school because the “right” type of children attend private school. Nothing to do with Religion on her part. Son in law went through the “motions” of the Sacraments but in 12 years I have only seen him at Chruch for “special events”. These are not what I consider “Catholic”
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La_Chiara
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My goodness, Abby, the tone of your post–especially the sarcasm–is unnecessary, uncharitable, unkind, and unbecoming. And your problems with your in-laws is all about THEIR behavior? Hmmmm…
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auntieneeker
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LaChiara, this is unacceptable. Abby opened up an obviously hurtful part of her life, and you spit it back! Shameful.:tsktsk:
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rayne89
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Wow and I thought my father in law was bad-holy cow. I think you’ve dealt with these people in a very mature and healthy way.
I’ve pretty much gotten the point where if people can’t behave like decent human beings then I have no interest in being in their company. It doesn’t matter to me whether they are family or not. Life is just to short to allow someone to make you miserable.
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Princess_Abby
Guest
Agreed, and thanks.
What’s funny to me is that this stuff about Irish vs. Italian is sooo tip of the iceburg, that I haven’t even thought about it in over two years. There is so much more to these people it would take a novel (which, actually hubby and I are writing together…it’s quite hilarious and a great coping mechanism!) to even begin explaining their depravity.
My husband went to boarding schools for much of his life due to academic merit, and we both joke how this might be the only reason he isn’t infected by his parents–though we truly believe his education was a gift from God, and perhaps the vehicle that helped prepare him for marriage and family life with me, by saving him from his parents.
P.S. We have, however, been blessed with wonderful, amazing and such loving family members on both sides who are NOT horrible–especially my parents, my siblings and several cousins of his whom we are close to, so it’s lovely to recognize how much God provides for us, even when one avenue is no longer an option. (My husband adores my parents and the feeling is very mutual. He thanks God for them every night during our prayer time. He thanks God for his parents, too, for the gift of life and for teaching him so much about what NOT to do in marriage and family.)
Anyway, Kay–hopefully this just tells you that you aren’t alone in having some difficult-to-deal-with in-laws or family members! Life is too short and there is really too much joy to be wasted in being made miserable by people who don’t deserve to be around you in the first place.
It sounds like you are the safe haven for your daughter, that place to fall without any wrongful judgement or expectation. Be sure your daughter loves and appreciates that.
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La_Chiara
Guest
We can all sympathize with this reaction. But let’s face it, this is really not the response we are called to by Christ and by our faith. Christ did not say “Love one another if the others are nice to you.”
I am concerned that many of the responses on threads about difficult or offensive in-laws and family members are to encourage the “victims” to cut off relations with the offending family members or in-laws. Shouldn’t we encourage each other in more loving, self-less, Christ-like responses to these difficult situations? Can’t we share more success stories of how a bad situation became more tolerable–rather than sharing stories of estrangements and encouraging others to cut off relations with family members?:twocents:
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Princess_Abby
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Love has nothing to do with subjecting oneself to abuse. We cannot change other people’s behavior, but we can take ourselves out of the equation so as to not further submit to abuse. We can love them without being near them.
My Catholic psychologist pointed out that it is actually UNloving for my husband and I to spend time with his parents, or to engage them in a relationship, because it causes them to sin. They choose to act out their aggression whenever the circumstances allow for it. He persuaded us to understand that the most loving thing to do is to stay away from them until or if they learn how to treat people in a respectful and non-abusive manner.
Love has many forms, but it does not have to include spending time with an abuser who continues to perpetrate.
Praying for their conversion is what is necessary, as well as preparing oneself to forgive and reconcile should the opportunity and circumstances arise to do so.
My Catholic psychologist pointed out that it is actually UNloving for my husband and I to spend time with his parents, or to engage them in a relationship, because it causes them to sin. They choose to act out their aggression whenever the circumstances allow for it. He persuaded us to understand that the most loving thing to do is to stay away from them until or if they learn how to treat people in a respectful and non-abusive manner.
Love has many forms, but it does not have to include spending time with an abuser who continues to perpetrate.
Praying for their conversion is what is necessary, as well as preparing oneself to forgive and reconcile should the opportunity and circumstances arise to do so.
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La_Chiara
Guest
I don’t disagree with this. Though I would add that praying for our own conversion (not just “their” conversion) and praying to soften our hearts is important too. Letting go of (rather than reliving and retelling) the hurts done to us is another important element in our own conversion. Doesn’t the Bible say “harden not your hearts”?
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kaymart
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Abby, sorry to hear about your in-law problems, luckly for me (not my daughter) I don’t have in-law like these. (I had a BIL who gave problems, mostly to himself, but the family kept their distance when his drinking got out of control, he just plain refused help till the day he died, believe me they tried) I could never truly understand the “MIL problem”, for I had a very sweet MIL. My little sister (who grew up with my children) called her Grandma and she treated her just like her own. I believe you did the right thing. I go along with the love your neighbor, (or in your case in-laws) but you don’t have to like them or their behavior. I believe I read your having a baby
Best wishes to all, Kay
Best wishes to all, Kay
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Princess_Abby
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Thanks Kay!Abby, sorry to hear about your in-law problems, luckly for me (not my daughter) I don’t have in-law like these. (I had a BIL who gave problems, mostly to himself, but the family kept their distance when his drinking got out of control, he just plain refused help till the day he died, believe me they tried) I could never truly understand the “MIL problem”, for I had a very sweet MIL. My little sister (who grew up with my children) called her Grandma and she treated her just like her own. I believe you did the right thing. I go along with the love your neighbor, (or in your case in-laws) but you don’t have to like them or their behavior. I believe I read your having a baby
Congrats on your newest grandbaby too, and you sound like a peach of a MIL, yourself, btw.(My primary physician (a devout Catholic whom I’ve known since I was little) pointed out to me today that my little one is due during Holy Week this year. “A little Easter bunny!” as my hubby said.)
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BLB_Oregon
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I agree with this. First off, there are many times when you are, in reality, a near occasion of sin for them, and not just for you. You’d no more willingly invite abuse from someone who abuses you than you would take an alcoholic to a bar. Just because the former is masochistic rather than sadistic doesn’t make it more loving. With an abuser, you have to be patient and kind when you have to be with them, but there are times when you are allowed (if not compelled!) to put some distance between you.
Remember how many times they wanted to drag Jesus off to stone him? He walked away. You are required to face your crosses in this life, but that doesn’t usually mean going out and looking for them. If you are faithful, you can be certain that enough crosses will find you.
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kaymart
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You are so right, this is why I am not going to this “party”, even though she is “allowing” my husband to attend, she still doesn’t want our autistic son (age 17)there. Even though its been almost 2 years since I seen her. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m near her. I am sercetly hoping that party details are so important that they keep her from attending the Baptism as it did in 2000, when my first grandson was Baptized, she attended the 2nd child’s in 2003 very late, and sat towards the back. My husband said, only to me "Maybe she thought the roof might cave in if God saw her there
"(he was joking, trying to keep it light)
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rayne89
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La Chiara:
There are natural consequences for inappropriate behavior. People don’t want to be around you. As long as the abuser is enabled by those around him/her that tolerate the person’s abusiveness the person will continue to be abusive.
I pray for my father in law all the time. He lives in a sad very narrow view of life. And he’s need for controlling others comes from fear and insecurity. Since I finally put my foot down and stopped letting him get away with demeaning my husband and our family his behavior has improved over the last couple of years. He is a bully and no one in that family stands up to him.
Right now we’re in a situation where he’s angry about some decisions we’ve made. He went too far with his comments and for now we will not be visiting my in-laws because as soon as we do the comments will continue. He builds himself up by tearing others down.
I can love my father in law but I can love him from a distance where he can’t hurt my husband and our family.
I don’t hate my father in law. There isn’t a person on this earth that I hate. I don’t think it’s loving to perpetuate someone’s destructive behavior by giving him or her the opportunity to be abusive.
There are natural consequences for inappropriate behavior. People don’t want to be around you. As long as the abuser is enabled by those around him/her that tolerate the person’s abusiveness the person will continue to be abusive.
I pray for my father in law all the time. He lives in a sad very narrow view of life. And he’s need for controlling others comes from fear and insecurity. Since I finally put my foot down and stopped letting him get away with demeaning my husband and our family his behavior has improved over the last couple of years. He is a bully and no one in that family stands up to him.
Right now we’re in a situation where he’s angry about some decisions we’ve made. He went too far with his comments and for now we will not be visiting my in-laws because as soon as we do the comments will continue. He builds himself up by tearing others down.
I can love my father in law but I can love him from a distance where he can’t hurt my husband and our family.
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