You were “scandalized” by a collection of people, namely those who didn’t do their job in giving you the information you needed to come to proper conclusions regarding your questions, which, because you are obviously very motivated by a distaste for “hypocracy and evil-doing”, veritably forced you out of the Church.
But you were “scandalized” out of the Church by the imputation of percieved evil from those who you saw as “evil-doing” to the Church proper.
While I guess you could say that, it seems more of a round-about way than just saying it was me who came to those conclusions.
So your basic “heresy” is the denial of free will. Quite sensible. Though incorrect. Being sensible, for many many good reasons, has very little to do with being correct.
Could you, right now, decide that you honestly believe in Zeus? How about Scientology? How about believing that your computer is really a pad of paper? Even if I threatened you or promised you money, is there any way you could honestly do any of those? While I could go about the motions of reading about Zeus and obtaining a statue, I could not honestly bring myself to believe. As I can not make sense out of my computer being a pad of paper, I could not believe that either. Scientology has premises which seem absurd to me and a dubious history, which would also make me unable to believe.
You are trapped into thinking that you have the authority to decide, finally, what is true. That is sensible, and a very good “self protection” mechanism. The question is what it is you are protecting yourself from?
It will be a lifelong journey. I must always continue to learn. The numerous amount of religions out there show me that there is much misinformation, and I am trying to protect myself from going down the wrong path.
And that’s perfectly reasonable. In fact it’s essentially DEMANDED as a conclusion given your two premises that:
- We have no free will.
- It is evil to do that which is hypocritical.
That is an accurate summary. At the moment I’m postulating no free will of faith, whereas the idea of no free will at all could develop into a separate thread.
You have your “basic principles” backwards. The first principle is that God is All-Good, All-Just, and All-Powerful. The second principle is that whatever does happen is for the greater good, regardless of what it appears to be. The third is that our very existence is a prayer, just as are those times we call “when I pray”, and that these “prayers” are always answered in the way best for us.
I agree with the first principle. As for the second, I try to find the good in things, but my view is that if there is a god out there, it is a very non-involved god, so I think that whatever happens, just happens. I don’t believe in fate. The third principle I believed while I was a Catholic, but, today, see it more as expression of our hopes, meditations, etc.
You can’t FORCE your way back into the Church. You can only ALLOW yourself back into the Church. That takes humility. The humility to allow God qua God, and not “God” qua god (idol), to be your God by allowing revelation to be what it is instead of simply “rationalizing myth”.
I feel like I’ve tried a whole lot. Yes, there was a big period over those 12 years where I did everything I could to be humble, sitting quietly in an empty church, adoration, rosaries, talking with priests, retreats, having others pray for me, asking on this board what else i could do, etc, wondering what was wrong with me that faith just kept slipping away no matter what I seemed to do. I can see how my sentence is confusing – I did not try to force myself back for the whole 12 years, but I did at the end; I was desperate. Its not easy or fun to have everything you believed in and were taught about the religion to be turned on its side. I still have a big stack of books I need to read, but besides that, I’m out of ideas. If you have some other reasonable suggestion(a 4 month pilgrimage is not doable at this time

), I’d love to hear what I’ve been doing wrong all this time.
If God is uncapable of being unjust, then how can any of His creation be “unjust”, such as “unjust suffering” of the unfortunate?
Sorry, I’m not quite clear on what you are saying. Are you saying the way people act towards another is “unjust” or the lot people are born into is “unjust”, or both?