Found out he's not a virgin...help?

[Dmitri451]

Early in is when he is supposed to reveal information such as this. Don’t fully disregard this information, as his past sexual experience has shaped in part who he is today.

Given that they haven’t met in person, I would say that this is early enough.

While the details of previous encounters ought to remain private, you do need to discuss his general attitude towards sex, as sex outside of marriage causes emotional harm, as well as potentially physical consequences. Most importantly, you should find out why he “repented” and is now committed to living chastely; did he do it for sincere reasons, or did he say it because its what you wanted to hear?

Excellent advice!

You should ask how many partners he’s had, reasons why they broke up, what he’s learned from the experience. Ask about his attitudes towards contraception and abortion too, as sex on demand outside of marriage can seriously skew a persons values.

The only thing I would alter here is that it’s enough to know in general terms how many partners he’s had. One, two, a few, lots.

Ultimately, it is your decision whether to break up with him regarding his sexual past; however, as an act of charity, you ought to allow him to tell his side of the story first, and look at the whole picture. If he’s truly committed to living a virtuous life, he may still be worth discerning marriage with. If he still harbors immoral attitudes towards marriage, sexuality, and the sanctity of life, then you would have stronger reasons for breaking up.

Agree completely.

I would like to add the following:

1. If after finding out the information discussed above, you decide to move forward, then you should view this as an irrevocable decision, unless some new information comes out that alters the nature of what he has previously revealed, such as information that he lied, or did not reveal that one or more of his previous partners were male.
2. Keep in mind that if you move forward, you are accepting all the consequences of his previous sexual encounters, including the possibility that he has children he does not know about. If those consequences reveal themselves sometime after marriage, well, you’ll have to accept it with grace. This actually happened to a close friend of mine. After he converted to Christ, he met the woman he eventually married. Early in their relationship he told her about all his previous escapades, and she made the decision to go forward. They married, he’s been completely faithful since, and they had several kids, now grown. When the kids were in their teens and early twenties, he found out he had a daughter by one of the women he had a one night stand with 25 years earlier. His wife was not pleased, of course, but she has stood by him and has accepted the young woman as a step daughter. My point is… you don’t know, and may not know for decades, the consequences of his previous behavior. But if you move foreward, you must do so without looking back.
3. One way of moving forward with this man is spiritualize the situation by willingly accepting the pain you feel now and will feel in the future, whatever it is, as a cross you carry to help Christ win his salvation. In fact, you can and should do this, whether or not you choose to move forward in this relationship. This will sweeten the cross you will bear. But doing this also requires an absolute commitment never to look back, never to complain that the cross is too heavy to bear, and never to let him know that’s what you’re doing.

 

[LatinoSON]

Almost 12 years of marriage now… and the exact same situation.
I can’t say it was always easy - definitely had my struggles with understanding the true meaning of Reconciliation and Forgiveness. It’s a TOUGH one, I really get that.

I will say that I am married to a wonderful man, someone who truly LEADS and GUIDES our family in the faith and through our life.

Pray… pray for him… pray for yourself… and pray that God guides you in your path forward.

i agree, if you truly love this man, i would have the COMPASSION to pray for him with your heart.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Given that they haven’t met in person, I would say that this is early enough.

Excellent advice!

The only thing I would alter here is that it’s enough to know in general terms how many partners he’s had. One, two, a few, lots.

Agree completely.

I would like to add the following:

1. If after finding out the information discussed above, you decide to move forward, then you should view this as an irrevocable decision, unless some new information comes out that alters the nature of what he has previously revealed, such as information that he lied, or did not reveal that one or more of his previous partners were male.
2. Keep in mind that if you move forward, you are accepting all the consequences of his previous sexual encounters, including the possibility that he has children he does not know about. If those consequences reveal themselves sometime after marriage, well, you’ll have to accept it with grace. This actually happened to a close friend of mine. After he converted to Christ, he met the woman he eventually married. Early in their relationship he told her about all his previous escapades, and she made the decision to go forward. They married, he’s been completely faithful since, and they had several kids, now grown. When the kids were in their teens and early twenties, he found out he had a daughter by one of the women he had a one night stand with 25 years earlier. His wife was not pleased, of course, but she has stood by him and has accepted the young woman as a step daughter. My point is… you don’t know, and may not know for decades, the consequences of his previous behavior. But if you move foreward, you must do so without looking back.
3. One way of moving forward with this man is spiritualize the situation by willingly accepting the pain you feel now and will feel in the future, whatever it is, as a cross you carry to help Christ win his salvation. In fact, you can and should do this, whether or not you choose to move forward in this relationship. This will sweeten the cross you will bear. But doing this also requires an absolute commitment never to look back, never to complain that the cross is too heavy to bear, and never to let him know that’s what you’re doing.

Good post. I would also like to add that she cannot hold this over his head. No bringing it up during fights, no “playfully” degenerating him over it, no using it to try to get away with stuff that you shouldn’t, etc.

 

[SonCatcher]

So I “met” a guy on a Catholic online dating website a few weeks ago. We have been talking a lot and it’s crazy how much we have in common - it seems like everything we talk about, like our hopes for our futures, how to raise a family, and so on, we always agree on. He wants to come visit and wants to have a godly relationship, and even wants to ask my dad for permission to date me (for the record, Iam in my early 20’s, he is in his mid-20’s). I was, and still am very excited about him…but recently he told me that he is not a virgin. He’s repented of it and is committed to living purely. I am trying to be okay with this, but I don’t think I am, I’ve been really sad since I found out. I’m a virgin, and I’ve always expected to marry a virgin but I thought that if something like this happened, I would be able to get around it. It makes me so sad that he wouldn’t be able to give me the same gift I would be giving him if we were to get married, and I’d have to be worried that I wasn’t measuring up to the girls he’s already been with…plus there is the practical matter of how many guys those girls had slept with previous to him and the rsk of disease.
What do you think? Should I continure to pursue this relationship? I like him in every other way, and I am afraid I won’t be able to find a man who is as great as he is, but a virgin. Male Catholic virgins are pretty rare nowadays, especially in my area where most people are not very religious…I would hate to ruin this and then never find anyone. thoughts/ what would you do/what have you done in a similar situation?

When I was your age, I had the same expectations you have for both myself and my eventual spouse.

By the time I reached his age, however, I realized that with the terrors of this world it would not be charitable for me to expect the same history for my eventual spouse (though I had no intention of giving up the expectation of chastity for myself).

By the time I met my spouse (by which time I was a few years older than either of you), I realized that, due to the seal of the Confessional, it would be inappropriate to even ask (though the penitent is free to volunteer past sins, there is no compulsion - perhaps only matter-of-fact statements concerning presence of persistent STIs since the future spouse would eventually discover those, anyway).

 

[kozlosap]

When I was your age, I had the same expectations you have for both myself and my eventual spouse.

By the time I reached his age, however, I realized that with the terrors of this world it would not be charitable for me to expect the same history for my eventual spouse (though I had no intention of giving up the expectation of chastity for myself).

By the time I met my spouse (by which time I was a few years older than either of you), I realized that, due to the seal of the Confessional, it would be inappropriate to even ask (though the penitent is free to volunteer past sins, there is no compulsion - perhaps only matter-of-fact statements concerning presence of persistent STIs since the future spouse would eventually discover those, anyway).

In my previous post this sentament was what i was trying to convey - that people can and do change in their views of chastity and that obsessing about a past experience that a potential spouse might have had at a very young age is cutting onesself off from potentially wonderful people.

 

[SonCatcher]

In my previous post this sentament was what i was trying to convey - that people can and do change in their views of chastity and that obsessing about a past experience that a potential spouse might have had at a very young age is cutting onesself off from potentially wonderful people.

Even without a general view change, there could be slips in chastity. Someone could be coerced or inebriated (either by substance or emotional/hormonal whirlwind). The person could be suffering serious heartbreak that stemmed from the event, as well.

 

[Andre1000]

The post of OP sounds really like I don’t like him but I am afraid to never find someone better. Do not settle for less or you life will likely be miserable. If this is too much for you move on. I personally would never marry a non virgin. The past is as much a part of a human like the present and the future.

 

[The_Bucket]

The past is as much a part of a human like the present and the future.

This is just flat out untrue. If it were true, then forgiveness is not real. If it were true, then the confessional is a lie. If it were true, then Christ Himself was a liar when he told the parables of the Prodigal Son and the Lost Sheep.

There’s no doubt that someone’s past has an influence on who he or she is today. But in some cases, past errors lead to repentance and knowledge of how deep and dark sin can be.

Peter betrayed Christ by denying that he knew Our Lord. And yet Christ chose Him to lead His flock. St. Paul stood by as others murdered Christians. He then later became the early Church’s most prolific writer and brought many to the faith. St. Augustine led a life of rampant immorality in his youth and then became a bishop and later a doctor of the Church.

Conversely, some people start out their lives as great Christians and later fall away. A young man my father-in-law knows is a great example. He was a tremendous young Catholic. Met his wife when he was on a youth mission trip in Europe. Now just a few years later, he and his wife are atheists and raising their child as such.

 

[SonCatcher]

Nevertheless, Bucket, the pain goes on. Sometimes, it lasts for the rest of this life. :sad_yes:

 

[Jamie52]

In my life and the time I came of age it was nearly impossible to find a virgin of any type.
I am not saying that was OK it was what it was.
We don’t regret our marriage of 38 years and finally some grandchildren.
Remember God doesn’t care who you were only who you are.
Don’t let it poison a relationship that could be the love of your life.
Just pay attention to how he treats you, if he loves you you will know it.
When I was 20 years old my girlfriend of three years was killed suddenly in a car crash, she was 19.
When I first met my wife she complained she could not compete with a ghost. I have to say she never had to compete with the ghost. If he loves you then you should not have to concern yourself with the ghost of his former lover.
For what it is worth.
My God bless you both.

 

[Kelfa28]

The post of OP sounds really like I don’t like him but I am afraid to never find someone better. Do not settle for less or you life will likely be miserable. If this is too much for you move on. I personally would never marry a non virgin. The past is as much a part of a human like the present and the future.

Then confessions mean absolutely nothing if that is the case.

I couldn’t disagree more with this statement.

If the past is so much apart of me…what’s in it for me to convert to Catholicism and live a life for Christ if everything I’ve done in my past is not forgiven?

People repent and are forgiven and run with it. They take it as a brand new lease on life and want to do everything they can to be good Christians.

If the past is continuously held over their heads…then what is the point of converting or reverting?

 

[LightBound]

The post of OP sounds really like I don’t like him but I am afraid to never find someone better. Do not settle for less or you life will likely be miserable. If this is too much for you move on. I personally would never marry a non virgin. The past is as much a part of a human like the present and the future.

Well, it’s what you choose to do with the past. It takes a certain amount of maturity to realize that the past is the past and only becomes the present and the future when you let it. Not everyone reaches that level and some are so concerned with the past, they don’t allow themselves to grow beyond it.

 

[ValPal]

You haven’t met him in person yet. All bets could be off when you meet - please try to do that soon, and meet him with another person along, and in a public place. The sexual past could be the least of your concerns once you meet him in person.

Don’t feel like you have to compromise your standards just because this guy says he agrees with you in every other way. People can say anything over the internet and how would you know if he was telling the truth or not? I think the relationship doesn’t begin until you can meet in person and date IRL.

Just my opinion though.

Ditto. IMHO, meeting someone online or talking to them on the phone is simply one step above not meeting them at all. You simply have no idea what they are really like.

As far as virginity goes, it is certainly virtuous and say a lot about one’s moral character. However, I wouldn’t recommend going so far as to exclude everyone that is not a virgin. Circumstances matter. If it’s a mistake done many years ago that has not been repeated, that says a lot about a person. If he’s had sex with 10 women over the past 2 years…well, that’s obviously a major problem.

Take it one step at a time. Meet the person, then make a decision.

 

[emeraldocean]

I really struggled with this when I learned my (now) husband was not a virgin like me. I had been praying for my future-husband’s purity since I was a teenager! I had worked so hard to maintain my own, with the idea of giving my whole self to the one I married. I honestly felt let down when I realized he had a sexual past. But to be truthful, he felt let down that he had a sexual past. He regretted it. He wanted so badly to give me what I could offer him. I couldn’t (and still can’t) shame someone for past sins, especially if they have been forgiven. What’s done is done. But I know this: yes, he has slept with other women. But he has given his whole self, his whole life, to me. There may have been other women, but I am the woman.

I understand and respect your feelings on this. My story does not need to be your story, and I understand that as well. But when I prayed my heart out about this, I knew that he was the man for me and that this was part of our cross to bear together.

I pray for wisdom and clarity for you and this man, and I ask our loving and gracious God to guide you through it all.

Thanks for this. I think I need to pray about it a lot. I am not even sure what I feel about it at this point.

 

[emeraldocean]

Ditto. IMHO, meeting someone online or talking to them on the phone is simply one step above not meeting them at all. You simply have no idea what they are really like.

As far as virginity goes, it is certainly virtuous and say a lot about one’s moral character. However, I wouldn’t recommend going so far as to exclude everyone that is not a virgin. Circumstances matter. If it’s a mistake done many years ago that has not been repeated, that says a lot about a person. If he’s had sex with 10 women over the past 2 years…well, that’s obviously a major problem.

Take it one step at a time. Meet the person, then make a decision.

Yes, this is a big factor. I would still like to meet him, as it may be a moot point - we could meet and just not be a good match despite our common life goals and faith.

There were only a few women and it was several years ago. It’s probably the best case scenario after being a virgin, if that makes sense. He regrets it and it pains him. It’s really eating me up because I know that since he has repented and confessed it, the sin is gone in God’s eyes, and I am not trying to hold the sin to him or lord it over him or anything like that. It’s just the fact that no matter what, he can’t give me that same gift…I think I am realizing how important that is to me in a person. Ultimately I guess I have to decide on this…it’s causing me a lot of pain. I was talking to my mom about it too and she said pretty much the same thing.

 

[emeraldocean]

Yep, you’re completely right. And as someone who did the whole online dating thing and even met my future husband there let me give the OP a piece of advice:

Don’t talk to someone who’s profile you like too much. Just message with introductions, a few follow up questions to break the ice (lighthearted of course), maybe throw in a joke, and then set up a short, casual date like coffee or drinks. Nothing too long, formal, or high pressure, and the great thing about those dates is that if you are really hitting it off they can be extended. By messaging for a long period of time and sharing too much information you can become attached to who you think that person is and the ideas that you have about them. When you do finally meet them it is very hard to accept who they really are versus what you were so sure they would be like.

Thanks - I have been thinking as we were talking that we really are talking too much about marriage etc too early. Most of it was brought up by him, and I do think it’s fair to want to make sure we have similar views before he travel to see me, as it is a significant distance. I’ll try to keep future conversations more lighthearted until we can meet.

 

[emeraldocean]

Given that they haven’t met in person, I would say that this is early enough.

Excellent advice!

The only thing I would alter here is that it’s enough to know in general terms how many partners he’s had. One, two, a few, lots.

Agree completely.

I would like to add the following:

1. If after finding out the information discussed above, you decide to move forward, then you should view this as an irrevocable decision, unless some new information comes out that alters the nature of what he has previously revealed, such as information that he lied, or did not reveal that one or more of his previous partners were male.
2. Keep in mind that if you move forward, you are accepting all the consequences of his previous sexual encounters, including the possibility that he has children he does not know about. If those consequences reveal themselves sometime after marriage, well, you’ll have to accept it with grace. This actually happened to a close friend of mine. After he converted to Christ, he met the woman he eventually married. Early in their relationship he told her about all his previous escapades, and she made the decision to go forward. They married, he’s been completely faithful since, and they had several kids, now grown. When the kids were in their teens and early twenties, he found out he had a daughter by one of the women he had a one night stand with 25 years earlier. His wife was not pleased, of course, but she has stood by him and has accepted the young woman as a step daughter. My point is… you don’t know, and may not know for decades, the consequences of his previous behavior. But if you move foreward, you must do so without looking back.
3. One way of moving forward with this man is spiritualize the situation by willingly accepting the pain you feel now and will feel in the future, whatever it is, as a cross you carry to help Christ win his salvation. In fact, you can and should do this, whether or not you choose to move forward in this relationship. This will sweeten the cross you will bear. But doing this also requires an absolute commitment never to look back, never to complain that the cross is too heavy to bear, and never to let him know that’s what you’re doing.

Thanks - both of these were very helpful posts. I have asked him the number and whether there were any children, to which he said no. The idea of a child he doesn’t know about is haunting, though.

 

[emeraldocean]

In my life and the time I came of age it was nearly impossible to find a virgin of any type.
I am not saying that was OK it was what it was.
We don’t regret our marriage of 38 years and finally some grandchildren.
Remember God doesn’t care who you were only who you are.
Don’t let it poison a relationship that could be the love of your life.
Just pay attention to how he treats you, if he loves you you will know it.
When I was 20 years old my girlfriend of three years was killed suddenly in a car crash, she was 19.
When I first met my wife she complained she could not compete with a ghost. I have to say she never had to compete with the ghost. If he loves you then you should not have to concern yourself with the ghost of his former lover.
For what it is worth.
My God bless you both.

Thanks. I am sorry about your girlfriend. God bless you and your wife.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Thanks - I have been thinking as we were talking that we really are talking too much about marriage etc too early. Most of it was brought up by him, and I do think it’s fair to want to make sure we have similar views before he travel to see me, as it is a significant distance. I’ll try to keep future conversations more lighthearted until we can meet.

Not only things like that, but little things are hard to get over. For example my fiance and I only exchanged maybe 6 messages before setting up a date, but I already had an idea of what he was going to be like based on his messages, profile, and pictures. The first two hours or so of our date I was having a hard time even being attracted to him because his mannerisms, voice, inflection and facial expressions were so different than what I had pictured! It didn’t feel like I was out with the guy that I got my hopes up for. Of course, once I got over that and the ice was broken a bit more we hit it off famously, and we’re getting married now. His sense of humor and the way he carried himself were very different too. He used such formal writing and awesome language in writing that I was expecting someone far…classier than I got. Of course I’m not the classiest either so that was a good thing.

 

[ValPal]

Yes, this is a big factor.

IMHO, if it is that big of a deal, then move on. Starting a relationship with big issues is a really bad idea.