Frustrated with a situation dealing with molestor

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deb1

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I am very frustrated with the attitude of my neighbor’s husband.

I have an 11 year old daughter so this is causing me a lot of concern. First let me say that my neighbor’s husband is not a molestor.

My neighbor still keeps in close contact with her ex in-laws. They visit often to see their grandson and her youngest son-who is not biologically their grandson-call them his grandparents.

Last year her ex brother in-law was sent to prison for a year. At the time a lot of excuses was make for his actions by everyone in his family. He had molested an 11 year old girl.

The excuses were that the girl didn’t look 11, that she had been previously molested,that she dressed indecently and that she came on to him. Remember she was 11! He is in his late twenties.

He is getting out of prison in a few days. I’ve already told my neighbor that my daughter can’t play with her son when his adopted Uncle is over.She understands.

Her husband(who is no relation to these people) has begun to urge his wife to invite her ex brother in-law to their annual Christmas party, which my family was invited to attend. Her husband has said that the man served his time and should be forgiven. And that it should be safe for kids at the party because there will be so many adults.

I know that I hurt my neighbor because I told her that attend we will not attend her party. I can’t take the risk with my 11 year old daughter.

Her husband is certain that her ex brother in-laws crime was a one time act and won’t repeat it with anyone else. I don’t understand how he can know this. I don’t even understand how he can be certain that his own nine year old boy is safe with this man.

Her husband’s attitude is just very frustrating and I just need to vent with someone who is outside of the situation.

Would you trust this man around your children?
 
No. This may not be well received, but I would also point him out to my daughter. I would not tell her exactly why but I would tell her to never go near him.
 
1ke said:
NO WAY.

Your neighbor’s husband needs his head examined.
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Thank you! I don’t know why but I think that I need someone to assure me that I am not being unreasonable.

My husband has already said that he would loose our friendship with this couple rather then put our daughter at any risk. I don’t think that it will come to loosing our frienship, though.
 
Great. This guy IS forgiven. He’s turned his life around. He’ll never do it again.

Just to be sure this scenario plays out in real life, keep your daughter away from the guy. She doesn’t have to be the guinea pig for his reform program.
 
Your neighbor’s husband is being stupid, in my opinion. I wouldn’t want the ex-brother-in-law in the neighborhood!!! I guess it’s easy for her husband, as he doesn’t appear to have any daughters, who are the apparent prey of the ex-b-i-l…

Add my loud NO.
 
HouseArrest said:
No. This may not be well received, but I would also point him out to my daughter. I would not tell her exactly why but I would tell her to never go near him.
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I have informed her to stay away from this man. I’ve also explained the situation to my older sons(18 and 14) so that they can assist their father and me in watching out for their sisters.
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
Your neighbor’s husband is being stupid, in my opinion. I wouldn’t want the ex-brother-in-law in the neighborhood!!! I guess it’s easy for her husband, as he doesn’t appear to have any daughters, who are the apparent prey of the ex-b-i-l…

Add my loud NO.
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Every summer his very attractive daughters visit him. They are 13 and 17. So, I don’t understand why he would be willing to allow the man access to his home.

Because my husband is very protective our children I find myself flabbergasted at my neighbor’s openess to allowing someone who might be a risk to his daughters into his home. I should add that his daughters won’t be visiting this Christmas.
 
mercygate said:
Great. This guy IS forgiven. He’s turned his life around. He’ll never do it again.

Just to be sure this scenario plays out in real life, keep your daughter away from the guy. She doesn’t have to be the guinea pig for his reform program.
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Thank you.

I think that the husband is attempting to show Christian charity but he his doing it at the possible expense of his family.

I feel better now. When you come across reasoning that is so illogical sometimes you just need someone to assure you that you aren’t the unreasonable one.
 
deb1 said:
Thank you! I don’t know why but I think that I need someone to assure me that I am not being unreasonable.

My husband has already said that he would loose our friendship with this couple rather then put our daughter at any risk. I don’t think that it will come to loosing our frienship, though.
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Your husband is a wise man… listen to him not your neighbors husband! Remember, you can never give back what a child molester can take away from your daughter… her trust!
deb1 said:
I have informed her to stay away from this man. I’ve also explained the situation to my older sons(18 and 14) so that they can assist their father and me in watching out for their sisters.
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This is exactly what I would do too… it is awesome having older brothers for my dd’s! They are more protective than I am!!!
 
mercygate said:
Great. This guy IS forgiven. He’s turned his life around. He’ll never do it again.

Just to be sure this scenario plays out in real life, keep your daughter away from the guy. She doesn’t have to be the guinea pig for his reform program.
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Hear hear!
 
Yikes! They are nuts!
Frankly, I wouldn’t EVER let my children anywhere near that home again, whether the s*x offender is there or not. These people have demonstrated a lack of common sense about the safety of their own children - which is an automatic no chance in heck with MY kids.
And don’t blame it all on her husband either. She’s got a brain to use too. I don’t care what my dh would say, in that situation - I’d tell him no.
**In fact, the only reason my dh can come up with why any sane red-blooded man (much less father!) would allow that man anywhere on his property is that maybe, just maybe they have more sins in common than others want to admit.:eek: **
Again, that they could even have to give this consideration would negate ANY involvement with them in the future for us. This isn’t just a difference of parenting styles, this is just weird. Big, huge, RED FLAGS going up all over this for me.
**Most molesting happens right under people’s noses. It only takes a few minutes to violate someone, less than 5 to kill them. Morbid and creepy, but true. **
Worse, by allowing this man to be present in their home they are giving a de facto endorsement of him as safe. Even a kid has enough sense to assume that sane people wouldn’t purposely invite someone who is dangerous into their home to be around their children. And no amount of yapping is going to change that perception. Actions speak louder than words. To a kid, how dangerous could the guy be to them if mom and dad invite him over for parties?!
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
**:eek: **

**Again, that they could even have to give this consideration would negate ANY involvement with them in the future for us. This isn’t just a difference of parenting styles, this is just weird. Big, huge, **RED FLAGS going up all over this for me.
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Definitely weird!!!

I’d keep my kids away in any case. And I obviously think a man needs to protect his family. But I would at least sort of understand the dynamics that would cause a husband to want his own brother over if the brother was a convicted molester. (A good man wouldn’t let his own molester brother near children, lest anyone get the idea I think differently.)

But many men would be uncomfortable having the brother of the wife’s ex-husband over even if he wasn’t a molester. And from what the OP says, this man has actively sought to have this ex-in-law of his wife come over!!!

This seems like either tolerance gone way wrong or some kind of over-identification with the wrong-doer.
 
I agree, stay away from this house. Also, it is probably a condition of his parole that he stays away from all children. Legally he is probably not allowed to attend this party if there are any children attending.
 
mercygate said:
Quoting this just for the record.
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:rotfl: Okay, that came out wonky. Sorry. What I meant was they don’t usually go off to rent a cabin in the woods. A moment in the coat closet, a few mintues out behind the shed, or while going to get something out of the car. Often there ARE people not too far away, but molesting isn’t always a screaming hysterical drama. A few minutes alone is all these sickos need. And every minute they are enticing and trying to win the affection of a kid so the kid will cooperate.
SMHW said:
This seems like either tolerance gone way wrong or some kind of over-identification with the wrong-doer.
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Yep. That’s exactly what we thought too.
 
No I would not trust this man with any child especially not a girl.

If you have a thief and he serves his time for thieving and is forgiven and rightly so then it doesn’t follow that that person should have the freedom to be put in charge of looking after money, nor should they have access to someone else’s money with any amount of trust. It isn’t safe for the people and their money and it isn’t helping the man to carry his cross as he may well be tempted to do the same again well beyond his capacity to resist.

The same goes for this man who is a child abuser.

If you take your children to this party, your children will think this guy is o.k. in your eyes and will automatically trust him as children do.

You must keep your daughter and any other children away from him. Your neighbours children are not guaranteed of safety either and the risk is just too awful to take.

This man will be on the sex offenders register for life and any children he comes into contact with on a regular basis for any reasonable length of time must be reported to the authorities and the authorities are to monitor any situation where the child abuser comes into contact with a child like this. As part of this man’s parole he will have a contract with the parole office on what behaviour he is and isn’t allowed to partake in, it is called being on license. He will not be able to do any work with the vunerable, that is children, the disabled, the elderly and the mentally ill. He will not be able to do any voluntary work similarly, he will not be able to go onto school premises, he will not be able to go to public places such as gymnasiums, swimming pools etc, if he forms a relationship with a woman and she has children he will have to report this to the police and the police will inform his partner and monitor the situation and the children will be put on the at risk register at the very least. Terms of each offenders license vary to the offense and the varying extent of the danger of re-offending after psychological profile with a forensic psychologist.

I would call into question your neighbours ideas about mixing this man with children and I would inform the authorities of this situation.

We are always to forgive, but charity to an ex-offender does not mean we are to place children and other vunerable people at risk.

I would encourage your neighbour to befriend this man and help him to stay on the straight and narrow, but not to allow him social interaction with their children. It is difficult for families when a member of the family is a child abuser, there is to some extent a certain amount of ‘denial’ or at best a dampening down of the seriousness of the transgression. So be patient with the family of your friend, they are having to live with this sitaution.

I used to work in this field of law (criminal damages injuries) among medical negligence and personal injury and have extensive knowledge on the subject.

You have done absolutely the right thing.

In the Living Prayer of my life
 
Thank you all.

Rob wife’s you have given me a lot to think about. The wife is like a sister to me but her husband’s reasoning is deeply troubling. Sometimes it can be hard to put your finger on what exactly is disturbing you in a situation.

By telling his wife that she needs to forgive her brother-in-law, her husband seems to be manipulating her religious sentiments.😦

I am going to speak further to my husband when he returns from work and show him this thread.
 
You know a thought occurred to me… molesting isn’t like other crimes like stealing… when it involves a child it is especially heinous. The problem with thinking this is just like any crime is that it is a behavior that is disordered. 99% of rapes are about power not sex… to feel that you must exert power over a child in this manor is disordered… to actually carry it out is of course criminal… now what is the “cure rate” for pedophiles? Ummm… if you guessed 0% you are correct. If a person is attracted to a child they always will be attracted to children… and if they act upon it, they have already crossed that line into criminal behavior… not a far stretch to believe it will happen again.

Thank you Martha for pointing out the fact that the husband is not related to wifes ex BIL and that there is something disturbing about wanting him around in the first place…
 
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