Frustration in being continuously told "its just a date"

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Also, don’t listen to anything this guy says.

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NappingDragon said:
But ultimately, my frustration is with constantly being told that I, as a man, need to treat it like its “just a date”, don’t be worried, and just ask, because its no big deal, whilst women are not simultaneously having the same idea drilled into their heads. It feels almost like people are intentionally trying to lead me into a trap.
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The advice you’re talking about is well intentioned, but…it’s not something to hang your hat on. It’s just a small piece of advice, nothing more. I can see you have bigger issues.

You don’t seem to have a problem with asking girls out. That advice you got is for guys who have a problem asking a girl out because they think it’s a big deal. The advice you are taking to heart is advice that you don’t even need. So drop it like a bad habit.

You have to keep in mind that, as awkward and inexperienced as you sound, you are probably more mature than the women that you are asking on dates. I don’t know how old you are, but I think you’re asking the wrong girls on dates, too immature.

There is some stuff in this thread that should be ignored outright. And some good advice also. Ignore the stuff that says women know in the first five minutes; you don’t want a woman like that, they are nothing but trouble. I have a feeling that most girls are rejecting you for a different reason anyway.
 
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Someone has been reading toooooo much of the toxic masculinity stuff.
 
GospelOfMatthew said:
But female speakers like Cameron Fradd say men should be very blunt with women saying it is a date when it is so that the woman doesn’t have anxiety or worry about whether something is serious or not.
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🤨 Good grief, that’s exactly the kind of thing you shouldn’t do. No wonder Millennials can’t get together. The dating advice they are getting will guarantee that they never get a date.
GospelOfMatthew said:
Then again, when I have asked someone to go somewhere I usually say “hey would you like to join me at X on Y day at Z time?” Seems like a friendly enough thing to say, but I always get ‘nah’.
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No dude, that’s not gonna work to get a date, unless she already likes you.

A woman isn’t saying yes to whatever event it is your asking her to go to. She’s saying yes because she likes you and your approach.
GospelOfMatthew said:
Perhaps the goal for myself should be to have a female friend to begin with, probably good to have some experience having a female friend
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I’ll be honest with you. This isn’t a good approach to dating, but it is a good way to get to know the opposite sex. If you have a female friend, that means that on some level she likes you. You should be able to tell whether or not the friendship can develop into something more or not. It shouldn’t take very long to tell, but it will need more than five minutes. So in that way, it can work out to be good, but it’s sort of like the long way around, and not a very good way to just get a date with a girl you just met and think you want to ask out.
 
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gfvh said:
So I think it is never “just a date”. Just my opinion. Many people say in former times it was common to have many dates, even in parallel. I don’t understand that.
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Because a date was specifically thought of as informal, non-sexual, and not exclusive. How does it make women wh*res to be dating multiple men if they’re not sleeping with any of them?

You seem to be saying that a date signals the beginning of an exclusive, committed relationship. What person is going to accept a first date if that’s what they’re signing up for?
 
At how many dates would you say an exclusive relationship “begins” since as you note it isn’t the 1st. Is this just a conversational thing to be discussed or after 4 times for example it has some validity to it?
 
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That’s why I said “little” not “full blown” wh**es 😉
But, seriously, it is what I “feel”, even if I don’t have a rational objection to it. I didn’t mean to be rude to anyone.
 
jack63 said:
For woman it is never ever ever ever “just a date”. Where on earth did you hear that one? For woman going on “a date” is major statement to the world. This is ridiculous and unfortunate, and you realistically need to work around it.
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I think this statement is only true of young women. I.E. High school and college. But once out the real world, this starts to go away pretty fast.
 
NappingDragon said:
Another thing I’ve always been taught, and is taught and practiced in our community, is that we should be friends/acquaintances first. That’s how nearly everyone else in my community does it, with obviously better success.
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I think works very well for high school sweethearts.

Some of the best, storybook marriages are people who knew each other as kids, were friends first, then fell in love while in High School or after seeing each other again after a period of absence.

But unfortunately, that’s not the way things work anymore. Very few people today still live in the same town / neighborhood they grew up in.

The majority of people today do NOT marry someone who they were friends with first because the majority of people today to do not keep in touch with our friends from elementary school and high school.

We meet someone in college or right after college that we met at a party, bar, class, coffee shop, library, introduced to by a friend, etc.

Very few of us have the guts to ask a childhood friend whom we may have fallen in love with out, as we are afraid to ruin the relationship if he/she does not feel the same way.

I feel in love a couple girls who were friends first. I never had the guts to ask any of them out because (at the time) I would rather have them in my life as friends then not at all.

Ironically, one had some feelings for me too (not at the same level), but would have dated me if I had asked. But I screwed that up majorly by accidently screwing up a friendship she had without guy due to jealous actions by me.

Hard lesson I learned.

God bless
 
NappingDragon said:
But ultimately, my frustration is with constantly being told that I, as a man, need to treat it like its “just a date”, don’t be worried, and just ask, because its no big deal, whilst women are not simultaneously having the same idea drilled into their heads. It feels almost like people are intentionally trying to lead me into a trap.

Why is the idea that its no big deal being so widely and adamantly spread to young adult men when the same is not also being taught to young adult women?
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I think you need to start by letting go of some of this frustration.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why it can be frustrating. But whether or not it is true or fair that Catholic men and Catholic women are being taught different things, this is not something that you personally are going to solve or fix.

Just a question, when you ask these girls out on a date, how are you asking? Are you saying, “Will you go out on a date with me?” It’s been 15 years since I had the need to ask a girl on a date, but in my experience, if you want to do some casual, getting-to-know-each-other type of thing, don’t call it a “date.” Just ask if she wants to grab coffee, or grab lunch, or something like that.
 
NappingDragon said:
So men are being taught its “just a date” and women are being told something contradictory? Isn’t that a huuuuge problem?
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It isn’t so much what women are being taught so much as who we are.
 
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Just going off of some of the other things you have said, it sounds like you are blessed to be part of a large community of young Catholics (I’m guessing maybe you are in college?). That being the case, taking a few months off from thinking about “dating” is a good strategy.

I did that when I was in college. Actually, it was this time of year, I told myself I wasn’t going to think about dating anyone until the feast of the Assumption. It really freed me from anxiety about it all and freed me to just enjoy the social interactions without any ulterior motives or looking ahead.
 
NappingDragon said:
And the ones that do continue to speak to me, give me those lame excuses like “I don’t want to ruin our friendship”. (to which I think in my head “well, you just did with that excuse”)
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I understand your frustration, it breaks my heart. But what you said here is very off-putting to me.

Most women, in my experience, don’t just shut a man down because he’s unattractive. But if you are insecure about that, working out helps to build confidence and makes a big difference in male attractiveness. Also, I find it odd that you say ALL women are not taught it’s “just a date.” That kind of thinking puts me off as well, like you have a chip on you shoulder in your approach. I’d keep it at the level of friends just hanging out for now. Kindness, vulnerability, a certain softness is actually very alluring to a woman when you begin the process.
 
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Just treat us like people and funny enough, DON’T be a jerk, and it should be fine.
 
OP, just concentrate on being friends with girls for now. Every one of my rships developed from a friendship. We’re not aliens despite what anyone tells you, and if you don’t play games it’s less likely a girl will. If they do they arent the right person to date and need to grow up a bit. I will agree that girls are sadly more likely to rule someone out due to looks. But you don’t want to be with someone if they are not attracted to you. All young girls and guys would do well to remember that nobody owes you a date or deserves to be put through some hidden set of ‘the rules’ , that should disturb you. Look up ‘the rules’ or ‘negging’ online some of the comments on here aren’t far off that and it gives me the creeps
 
Exactly, NEVER take advice from one !!! Capitalised, mind, so you know this is super important. And always remember to be ‘a bit of a jerk’ 😂
 
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Ironic isn’t it.

Feminists have been excoriated for harboring hatred towards men yet some of the same men who denounce feminists for hating men also exhibit the same attitude towards women.

Oh the irony. :roll_eyes:
 
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But chad is like, sooooo swole and he treated her like a bit of a jerk so she couldn’t resist his charms
 
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