But in the OP’s case, his “demands” came as a response to a succession of lies from her. I gather the consequences of her not complying with his “demands” were that he would be unable to trust her, and thus he’d walk away from the relationship. In which case, they aren’t really demands at all, they’re (imho) reasonable feelings he’s imposing on himself, in terms of who he feels comfortable with dating . Perhaps I’m wrong, but that’s the impression that I got.
You dated for 3 mos. He has known her over the internet for 3 mos. We don’t know how many times they’ve even met in person. There’s a big difference in falling for someone over the internet and actually knowing a person in real life.
Speaking from experience, I agree wholeheartedly. Not that I’m the model for dating success, as I’m still single, but if there’s one thing I have learned, it’s that there’s no substitute for real time spent together.
That’s how I understood the timeline as well. And the situation.
I got the impression they met online but have had a real life relationship since.
Hopefully he’ll come back to clarify. Seeking answers always leads to more questions!
He said he didn’t have his first date with her until after she had returned from having sex with her ex. That’s 3 mos. into the online relationship and they hadn’t met in person. Go back and re-read his first post.
Make no mistake, I’m not giving the girlfriend a free pass. She was definitely in the wrong for lying. Perhaps the OP needs to expand on what he meant by he “demanded” the truth. Bad behavior by one of the people involved doesn’t justify bad behavior by the other. If the OP demonstrated over-the-top behavior in his “demanding”, it would still be a red flag in the relationship even if it would seem a reasonable response to the lies.
That’s not the way I’m reading it. The OP needs to clarify, but the way I’m seeing the timeline, the OP meets girlfriend online. While exchanging emails and arranging to meet, girlfriend goes on her trip. Girlfriend returns from trip and OP and girlfriend start a real life relationship. Three months later, OP finds out about the “trip”. Now an additional two months later, after finding out the exact nature of the “trip”, its still eating at the OP.
I’m having difficulty understanding why it is perfectly acceptable to be emailing someone about dating and at the very same time having sex with other people. If that’s how dating websites are supposed to work, I’m really out of the loop.
OK PatriceA, I can see how you would interpret his statements differently. But to me, this just says that at some point during the 3 mos before the OP had met this woman in person, she went and had sex with her ex, and he found out that she had. Now it’s been 2 mos since he found out - maybe that doesn’t add up to 5 mos. total, I don’t know. She told him “it was in November, before we met,” so that must mean they met in December of last year, correct? That would be 5 mos. total.
We are all sinners. Not all sins equally affect one’s married life. Sexual sins are different from many other types in that they directly affect one’s ability to bond in marriage. The indelible marks left on one’s soul by sexual sin will follow one into marriage. This is not say that these things cannot be overcome, but they do require overcoming, and it is not at all unreasonable for someone to want to go into marriage WITHOUT those strikes against them.
Fornication is serious, particularly when looking at a marriage partner.
So any potential sex partner, whether within the bonds of holy matrimony or without, deserves to know the sexual history of their potential partner and should divulge their own.IMHO, trust is everything when it comes to marriage. Furthermore, sexual relations is an essential element of marriage, so if there is lack of trust, especially with regard to sexual issues, there simply is no marriage.
Time can heal all wounds. But that is no relevant here because we are discussing a current event; a person determining if someone should be here boyfriend while having sex with an ex-boyfriend. She’s obviously not over the past boyfriend and shouldn’t being leading other people on in the first place.
She might change; many people do. 'But it’s not forgiveness that is the issue; it’s discernment of marriage (which dating is). Everybody has their own opinions, but there is no way on God’s green Earth that I would consider dating someone where the relationship starts off with sexual mistrust. That is a gigantic hurdle to overcome.
And I can appeal to you for corroboration on the fact that you knew all my sexual history, or lack thereof, during our courtship.
Exactly. This is why I advise the OP to run for the hills. Forgiveness does not mean trusting again. Many people on this forum write eloquently about the necessity for drawing and maintaining boundaries–but this all goes out the window when the issue is fornication. Pornography addiction? Oh, boundaries and disclosure! But fornication? Pretend like it doesn’t matter, and shame on you for even thinking about it as a failing!