Girlfriend had sex with ex while getting to know me

[PatriceA]

If I had random hookup sex with an ex, and chastity were really important to me, I would need a lot of personal time to reflect on my actions, and probably would work closely with a spiritual advisor. That last thing I would do is jump right into a romantic relationship. I don’t know what steps your gf is taking in dealing with this. But I think the mature way of dating must include assessment of knowing whether you’re ready for it and when you’re not.

I agree with this. Before I met my husband, I took an inventory of my life and how I was acting and what kind of relationship I wanted and I wanted a pure and chaste one. So I rededicated myself to being pure and chaste for my future spouse. I didn’t wait until the relationship came along and then changed. I worked closely with a spiritual director as well. I also didn’t date for a good 6 months before I met my husband after getting out of a broken engagement. There was no way I would have been in a good place to recognize my husband for who he was going to be in my life when we first met if we had met while I was still emotionally involved with my ex. I needed that space and time to draw closer to Jesus and to know I was now ready for the actual vocation of marriage. I thought I knew before, but after those 6 months, I realized I didn’t have a clue what I was doing in the previous relationship.

 

[KCT]

“I tried to leave her but her crying and apologies made me stay. Now two months later it is still torturing my mind whether to stay with this woman or not.”

That’s easy… no.

 

[CatholicMom1907]

I’m in agreement with most of the posts that I’ve read. If you have an ounce of doubt that you can trust this person, they are not the right person for you no matter what “feelings” they give you. I didn’t trust my instinct over small lies while I dated my husband but should have. They turned into much bigger lies over the years and infidelity in our marriage.

Please take this as a strong warning that God is showing you before marriage. Although the infidelity is awful and so painful, the lying is the worst part in my opinion. It is true that a marriage can not survive without trust. I know too well unfortunately and would have given anything to know what my husband was truly capable of before marriage. A lot of my decisions would be very different. I would give anything to go back in time and trust my instinct that he was not trustworthy even though we were madly in love with eachother it seemed.

I will pray for you - for wisdom and healing during this hard time. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you know there are faithful people - to both God and their marriages. You don’t need to settle for less than what God wants for you - especially when you are not yet committed to each other in marriage. Stay strong!!! You will get through this and God will help.

 

[Auntie_A]

I didn’t say STD are punishment from God but are very real consequence of having sex out side the bond of marriage. When one doesn’t follow God’s plan for sex and marriage, they reap the consequences in their bodies in unplanned pregnancies and STD. Someone that is willing to buy and airline ticket to see some old boyfriend, ends up in bed again and then goes to talk about it with someone else they “met” on the internet is not smart. I am going by what OP shared with us and his distress over her behavior. Since it seems from his post and interest he is looking for a marriage partner. This is someone that is not a good choice.** Sadly again, basic morality in that sex as designed by God for marriage, not before, not with others shouldn’t have to be defended on a Catholic forum.**

Yes, I agree. Yet the reality is that many of our Catholics have been neglected on moral formation, conscience development, preparing for confession, the awareness of sin. My niece received her First Communion in her teens but had not received her First Confession. Is it any wonder that her life fell apart as she fell into a dangerous experimentation with drugs and sex by age 16?

How is someone supposed to approach the world of “dating”: finding a good mate when the secular world’s version of “dating” includes sex before marriage, break-ups, struggling anxiously to find another partner so you won’t be “alone”, “hooking up”, “friends with benefits”, using someone to “get” what you need, and THEN to say “I really want to be HONEST”? Can we start with defining the words “dating” “honest” and “relationship”?

What a sick layered lasagna of deceit upon self-deception upon hurt upon self-gratification upon manipulation upon hollow emptiness we have before us when we enter the world of courtship now! Is it any wonder that a person could get hurt and yet not know exactly why or how or should I forgive her/him and continue my “relationship”? And what exactly is the meaning of “love” when respect and self-respect is missing?

I think it’s time for St Augustine’s Seven Steps to Love:

1. Communicatio Idearis To communicate/exchange ideas—Matching up values
2. Desiderio Praesenciae To desire the presence-Want to see person again
3. Cogitatio Boni To See the Good–That person truly lives by their good word
4. Dona Donarum The Gift of all Gifts- exchange a gift that shows our love
5. Oscula Osculorum The Kiss of all Kisses-exchange a kiss that shows our love
6. Unio Voluntatis The Union of Wills -Marriage
7. Unio Corporis The Union of Bodies-Sexual Union

My guess is that our OP, as so many others do, was impeded at step 1. Or deceived at step 1.
And my guess is that his woman friend was impeded at step 1 with her old boyfriend and so they have used step 7 to desperately communicate, hoping to “match up” if we “connect” long enough.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes, I agree. Yet the reality is that many of our Catholics have been neglected on moral formation, conscience development, preparing for confession, the awareness of sin. My niece received her First Communion in her teens but had not received her First Confession. Is it any wonder that her life fell apart as she fell into a dangerous experimentation with drugs and sex by age 16?

**How is someone supposed to approach the world of “dating”: finding a good mate when the secular world’s version of “dating” includes sex before marriage, break-ups, struggling anxiously to find another partner so you won’t be “alone”, “hooking up”, “friends with benefits”, using someone to “get” what you need, and THEN to say “I really want to be HONEST”? Can we start with defining the words “dating” “honest” and “relationship”?

What a sick layered lasagna of deceit upon self-deception upon hurt upon self-gratification upon manipulation upon hollow emptiness we have before us when we enter the world of courtship now! Is it any wonder that a person could get hurt and yet not know exactly why or how or should I forgive her/him and continue my “relationship”? And what exactly is the meaning of “love” when respect and self-respect is missing?
**
I think it’s time for St Augustine’s Seven Steps to Love:

1. Communicatio Idearis To communicate/exchange ideas—Matching up values
2. Desiderio Praesenciae To desire the presence-Want to see person again
3. Cogitatio Boni To See the Good–That person truly lives by their good word
4. Dona Donarum The Gift of all Gifts- exchange a gift that shows our love
5. Oscula Osculorum The Kiss of all Kisses-exchange a kiss that shows our love
6. Unio Voluntatis The Union of Wills -Marriage
7. Unio Corporis The Union of Bodies-Sexual Union

My guess is that our OP, as so many others do, was impeded at step 1. Or deceived at step 1.
And my guess is that his woman friend was impeded at step 1 with her old boyfriend and so they have used step 7 to desperately communicate, hoping to “match up” if we “connect” long enough.

Welp, you just described my entire life before marriage.

Life as the culture encourages, is death to the soul and heart. :bighanky::sad_bye:

 

[SpikeLewis]

I get the impression from several of the replies to my post that a few of you are either extremely virtuous in the area of sexual morality, or you have never been sufficiently tempted to find out otherwise. Regardless, I’m very happy to hear some of you find it so easy to resist this particular sin - the gain is yours. However, it is not as easy for others (like the OP’s girlfriend), and more’s the pity. But is that grounds for dismissing any thoughts of a relationship with her? I would not be so quick to say yes.

We’re all sinners. We all do things that hurt other people and strain relationships. If she’s repentant and trying to turn from her sinful ways, then she’s no less morally worthy of marriage than anyone else. If it’s still a problem for OP for whatever reason, then so be it - he can choose to marry or not marry whomever he wishes based on his preferences. But to say he is morally obligated to do so, or to say this woman is not worthy of a loving relationship centered around God because, unfortunately, she’s been in sinful relationships before… heaven rejoices over repentant sinners more than the morally righteous: Luke 15:7.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I get the impression from several of the replies to my post that a few of you are either extremely virtuous in the area of sexual morality, or you have never been sufficiently tempted to find out otherwise.

Nope, I was a fallen away Catholic and guilty as charged. However, I was always as loyal as the day is long. No trust = no relationship.

Regardless, I’m very happy to hear some of you find it so easy to resist this particular sin - the gain is yours. However, it is not as easy for others (like the OP’s girlfriend), and more’s the pity. But is that grounds for dismissing any thoughts of a relationship with her? I would not be so quick to say yes.

Unfortunately, I have experience with unfaithfulness on the part of another, hence my hammering home of this point. The action taken by the woman in question displays her current state of mind and morals, and is indicative of issues that can arise later in the relationship.

We’re all sinners. We all do things that hurt other people and strain relationships. If she’s repentant and trying to turn from her sinful ways, then she’s no less morally worthy of marriage than anyone else.

Time heals all wounds. A current “mistake” is a problem in a developing relationship. A mistake that happened five years ago where she never repeated it and lives a different lifestyle is another story. I can deal with the latter, but not the former in terms of discerning marriage (not to be confused or conflated with forgiveness). Others may feel differently and take a different course of action.

 

[PatriceA]

I get the impression from several of the replies to my post that a few of you are either extremely virtuous in the area of sexual morality, or you have never been sufficiently tempted to find out otherwise. Regardless, I’m very happy to hear some of you find it so easy to resist this particular sin - the gain is yours. However, it is not as easy for others (like the OP’s girlfriend), and more’s the pity. But is that grounds for dismissing any thoughts of a relationship with her? I would not be so quick to say yes.

We’re all sinners. We all do things that hurt other people and strain relationships. If she’s repentant and trying to turn from her sinful ways, then she’s no less morally worthy of marriage than anyone else. If it’s still a problem for OP for whatever reason, then so be it - he can choose to marry or not marry whomever he wishes based on his preferences. But to say he is morally obligated to do so, or to say this woman is not worthy of a loving relationship centered around God because, unfortunately, she’s been in sinful relationships before… heaven rejoices over repentant sinners more than the morally righteous: Luke 15:7.

I don’t think anyone is saying she can’t turn her life around. I don’t think anyone is saying she will never be worthy of a loving relationship centered around God either. I think what some of us are saying she lied about a sexual encounter, a sexual encounter that took place as she was forming a relationship with the OP. Its extremely difficult to form trust in a relationship when its one that has started out with deceit. Two months have past and the OP is still having difficulty with trusting his girlfriend. Two months is quite a long time in a dating situation.

Plus being tempted sexually by the person you are dating is one thing. Being tempted and giving in to a person you previously dated while beginning a relationship with another man is quite the opposite and very troubling.

 

[robwar]

I get the impression from several of the replies to my post that a few of you are either extremely virtuous in the area of sexual morality, or you have never been sufficiently tempted to find out otherwise. Regardless, I’m very happy to hear some of you find it so easy to resist this particular sin - the gain is yours. However, it is not as easy for others (like the OP’s girlfriend), and more’s the pity. But is that grounds for dismissing any thoughts of a relationship with her? I would not be so quick to say yes.

We’re all sinners. We all do things that hurt other people and strain relationships. If she’s repentant and trying to turn from her sinful ways, then she’s no less morally worthy of marriage than anyone else. If it’s still a problem for OP for whatever reason, then so be it - he can choose to marry or not marry whomever he wishes based on his preferences. But to say he is morally obligated to do so, or to say this woman is not worthy of a loving relationship centered around God because, unfortunately, she’s been in sinful relationships before… heaven rejoices over repentant sinners more than the morally righteous: Luke 15:7.

First of all and again, Op was looking for advice on some internet relationship which I am assuming that he would hope to end in marriage. Likewise, Op didn’t clarify that the dating site was Catholic or not or even if this person is a Catholic or even trying to follow God.
Someone who buys an airline ticket to go an old boyfriend is not someone trying to avoid sin, it is someone running head long into it and is a pretty deliberate act. This person is not marriage material period. Op needs to move on. Likewise, Op indicated that this person complained to him about the old boyfriend who treated her badly but she still spent money and time to go see him which show someone who lack judgement, security, brains and morality. Whether she wants to turn her life around or not is unknown. Whether people have sinned or not has nothing to do this. There seems to be a big misunderstanding here. and people fall into a trap that no one can’t make a comment on behavior that is sinful and harmful because everyone is a sinner. This thinking is totally ridiculous. The people on this thread that have maybe sexually sinned should be the first to know how harmful an immoral lifestyle is to themselves first as well as relationships around them. Pointing that out isn’t a “judgmental” attitude, hopefully someone will stop and think and turn their own life around and not fall into this kind of sin or sinful lifestyle. Likewise, hopefully OP will wise up and look for better people to be interested in. Likewise and again hopefully some girl will see herself in this and think “why am I giving my body away to some guy to hang on to him” and stop and realize that she is more valuable than that and dumb the bum and move on.

 

[Kal2012]

She didn’t owe you any level of fidelity before even meeting you! Yeesh, most people would never consider exchanging emails to be a commitment.

I agree! Exchanging e-mails doesn’t mean that she’s somehow committed to being in an exclusive relationship with you. It means you are interested in getting to know each other better. You are dating. That’s what the dating process is about.

I don’t know her side of the story, so it’s hard to say what her motives were. I can understand having sex out of sheer loneliness. I’ve done it before. I’m not proud of it, but I can understand it.

Wonderful people screw up all the time. Eventually, you are going to disappoint her too.

You hadn’t even met, in person. She’s a single woman living in a very difficult culture. Most people think our values are more of a punch-line than actually something to live by.

Until I met my husband and his circle of friends, the general conclusion of most people I spent time around was that it was too hard to be a good Christian in the modern world, and that only applies, if you decide to be a Christian at all.

Maybe you really are the first “nice Catholic/Christian guy” that she’s dated - ever - who actually doesn’t just talk about having Catholic values, but tries to live them out. It really is possible these days!

I get the emotions of pride, jealousy, anger. However, I also believe in 2nd chances. This happened BEFORE you even met (in person). Either forgive her or move on.

 

[Kal2012]

I would also like to ask for some insight specifically from the women on here. Why would a woman fly out to see a man whom she has not seen in six months? He treated her so poorly and clearly was in the relationship just for sex. Their relationship only lasted a few months. Her explanation to me was that she still had a doubt in her mind about him when she flew out there and that she thought she still had feelings for him. But then she contacts me the very next day to meet me? was she looking for closure? Was it just for sexual release? She said that she really didn’t have much faith that she would find someone from an online dating site but that when she met me everything had changed. She said she never imagined she could meet someone like me and so cut her ex completely out of her life. I know at 34 I don’t expect to find a virgin to fall in love with me. But her behavior just prior to meeting me has just tortured my mind. I care for this woman so much and she is trying so hard to make it work. She has sworn to me fidelity and honesty always and I believe her. But my pride and jealousy are getting in the way of our relationship

As someone who came from an extremely dysfunctional family, sex was a great way to get someone to pay attention to me. You get tired of being alone. You want to feel loved and have the illusion that someone cares about you. (I know, the cliches, but it’s so true).

I wouldn’t agree that the two events are related though.

She had no way of knowing that you weren’t a jerk either.

If you are taught that the best you can get is “", then you learn to accept "” as quality.

And the problem comes in when “quality” walks through the door, and you have no experience dealing with it because everyone around you is “" and have been taught to act like the "” lifestyle is really the best that’s ever going to happen to you.

You have no idea what it’s like to wake up and see someone decent standing before you and have them ask and wonder why you make the bad choices you did. It’s heartbreaking because a lot of the time, you were just trying to survive. Being holy or chaste really isn’t on the top of your agenda. It doesn’t get you anywhere, so why do it?

I was this woman once upon a time. Not everyone has the starting point in life. My family was mostly Christian “in name only”. Jesus got me through some hard times, but most decent guys really couldn’t relate to me or the lifestyle I grew up in.

I ended up marrying a guy whose life was just as dysfunctional as mine because I don’t have to explain “crazy” to him. He lived it and experienced too. He also wanted something better, like I did. Now, God-willing, our kid will have it a lot better than we did. We don’t live for drama.

That’s why I’d give the girl the benefit of the doubt. If her background was anywhere near as screwed up as mine, then I have to wonder about your lack of compassion/understanding.

I had to grow up fast and live in the real world because of it. It’s a lot easier to have morals when you know you have a community around you that backs you up. If you don’t have the security of knowing that your family (at a minimum) or a larger community will support you and will back you up, then it’s a lot easier to give into temptation. What does it really matter if I have sex before marriage? It’s more of a footnote that you are the one who doesn’t swear/drink/smoke when everyone else around you does these things. What does it get you to be good/holy, if everyone around you doesn’t share that value or even bother to teach it to you? It’s not like God is going to appear out of the sky and back you up when temptation comes calling.

We all make bad choices. A lot of times, you don’t think about why you make bad choices because you only see a dilemma between two bad choices.

I could say a lot more, but I don’t know her specific situation and I’d prefer to be relevant than ramble on and on. It could be a class thing. It could be a culture thing. I don’t know. Good people get caught up in bad situations and make the best decisions they can.

 

[eonporter]

I think the problem here is where you might be standing in terms of your spirituality in the relationship.

When I met my wife she also lied a lot to me about her past, she is a good woman and very faithful but she felt so ashamed of the things she did that she decided to hide as many things as possible, so that I wouldn’t leave her because of her past. Moreover, for as immoral her actions were in the past, she really thought I had no business in knowing about anything and it turns out she was right, I had no business indeed.

I would always tell my self that the real problem were not her immoral actions (I had no such concept of immorality at that time, actually) but her lack of honesty about her past, but the truth is that I was really hurt in my pride about her being with other men, and that was it. It was all about pride and wanting to “own” the relationship, about being on top and making all the calls. So naive.

Today I understand that life is about a spiritual journey towards to salvation, and not really a game about who “owns” the relationship, in fact my wife and I have different spiritual paths and full responsibility over our own actions, and we must help each other as much as we can with that in mind. It is my task to help her to overcome her past and it is her task to help me to overcome mine. And that is it.

So, think about the future and not the past. Don’t evaluate the quality of your relationship by the moral standards it had in the past, but by the potential of the moral standards it might have in the future.

If you think your current relationship might evolve in to a real Ephesians 5 marriage, then go for it.

 

[Havard]

I think the problem here is where you might be standing in terms of your spirituality in the relationship.

When I met my wife she also lied a lot to me about her past, she is a good woman and very faithful but she felt so ashamed of the things she did that she decided to hide as many things as possible, so that I wouldn’t leave her because of her past. Moreover, for as immoral her actions were in the past, she really thought I had no business in knowing about anything and it turns out she was right, I had no business indeed.

I would always tell my self that the real problem were not her immoral actions (I had no such concept of immorality at that time, actually) but her lack of honesty about her past, but the truth is that I was really hurt in my pride about her being with other men, and that was it. It was all about pride and wanting to “own” the relationship, about being on top and making all the calls. So naive.

Today I understand that life is about a spiritual journey towards to salvation, and not really a game about who “owns” the relationship, in fact my wife and I have different spiritual paths and full responsibility over our own actions, and we must help each other as much as we can with that in mind. It is my task to help her to overcome her past and it is her task to help me to overcome mine. And that is it.

So, think about the future and not the past. Don’t evaluate the quality of your relationship by the moral standards it had in the past, but by the potential of the moral standards it might have in the future.

If you think your current relationship might evolve in to a real Ephesians 5 marriage, then go for it.

I don’t think the big red flag is simply that she had a sex hookup. A major red flag is that her priority is then pressing forward right away with another guy instead of taking stock of what’s going on with herself. When you have clear evidence of poor judgment and immature priorities, is that not enough? At what point do you draw the line at rolling the dice with respect to a prospective future spouse?

 

[robwar]

I don’t think the big red flag is simply that she had a sex hookup. A major red flag is that her priority is then pressing forward right away with another guy instead of taking stock of what’s going on with herself. When you have clear evidence of poor judgment and immature priorities, is that not enough? At what point do you draw the line at rolling the dice with respect to a prospective future spouse?

Thank-you. My husband is a marriage and family therapist and he sees too many situations where people ignored major red flags, got married and then have all sorts of serious problems which could have been totally avoided if the person had the guts and fortitude to back out BEFORE marriage not after and 2 kids later. This is the same sort of principal if the person drank or did drugs, warning signs are ignored, the other person thought that their finance will grow up and mature after marriage and then they get married and now are dealing with someone that abuses substances or constantly fools around etc. This isn’t about someone who maybe has made mistakes and then has changed for the better. If more people spent more time being careful about who the date and choose for a marriage partner or possible partner there would be less divorce and major heartache afterwards. This advise would be the same if she said she flew out to visit friends and got totally drunk with them and can’t remember what happen then goes to a new friend and tells him that she really not interested in her previous friends she flew out to visit and drink with.

 

[WetCatechumen]

I have a couple of comments.

1. Flew to CA to see ex and had sex. Lost her virginity to him a year ago. We have talked so much about this on Catholic Answers, how God designed sex to be the ‘super glue’ for couples to help them be united through difficult times. It seems that the super glue has been applied and she is having trouble letting go of him. Of course. Great reminder to single adults to not have sex until you are married. Thank you.
   She is likely trying to ‘get over him’ and start fresh. It looks as though she’s still emotionally involved with the other guy, and really, she didn’t have to answer to a new acquaintance what she was up to on her trip. Things would be easier for her right now if she had followed God’s laws which are there to protect us.
2. She is an acquaintance. She has history, like we all do. It’s concerning that you are having such a strong reaction so early in the relationship. When people begin to date, it’s a time to observe and gather information. Try to do it with a cool head, one that is collecting data. It may be best to move on to someone who isn’t tied emotionally to another boyfriend.

I spoke with a lady who had an adult daughter that was attending Church every Sunday. She went out a few times with a guy and the mother was insisting that he should go to church with her. I disagreed. She can gather information and see that he has no interest in church at all, and decide how she feels about it. Making him go doesn’t change his heart. You have information. Decide how you feel about it. You’ve learned something about her, and yourself too. That’s all part of the process. God bless.

I know this is pages past, but this is a wonderful post. Great advice and cool, rational thoughts on dating.

I am perplexed by the many people who say the OP had no right to information regarding his girlfriend’s past.

We owe truth to all men. If the girlfriend did not want to answer the questions, then the only honest response is, “I do not wish to answer the question.” Yes, this will lead the boyfriend to draw, correctly, the conclusion that his girlfriend has something she wants to keep from him, and he can make his decisions based on that. But lying is right out. Lying and hiding things? Completely unacceptable at any stage of the relationship.

I am also baffled by people’s statements that at the beginning of a relationship, some fudging of the truth is to be expected. Why should I expect to be lied to at ANY point? If this is truly the case nowadays, I rejoice all the more that I am forever done with dating. It was not the way I handled things when I WAS dating, way back in the mists of time 17 years ago.

Why, too, are Catholics acting like her fornication is not a big deal? Why, too, denigrate the OP for his desire to marry someone chaste? Why is unchastity to be overlooked in the girlfriend and the OP told to join a religious order?

We are all sinners. Not all sins equally affect one’s married life. Sexual sins are different from many other types in that they directly affect one’s ability to bond in marriage. The indelible marks left on one’s soul by sexual sin will follow one into marriage. This is not say that these things cannot be overcome, but they do require overcoming, and it is not at all unreasonable for someone to want to go into marriage WITHOUT those strikes against them.

There is so much about this thread that I am failing utterly to understand.

Here’s the problem. Often, a truth that someone has no business knowing is revealed if you decline to answer the question.

“Are you a virgin?”

“I don’t think we should talk about that.”

That means, 99% of the time, “No, but I don’t want to tell you I’m not.”

Lying is sometimes the only way to conceal information that other people have no right to. I have a friend who is a closeted homosexual. People often ask if he is. I answer as if I have no idea to the truth of the matter (that he is gay). Which means I usually tell them no.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I know this is pages past, but this is a wonderful post. Great advice and cool, rational thoughts on dating.

Thank you for taking the time to add your kind words.
It takes time to read, think things over and post. Glad someone appreciated the effort! Hope it helps the op and others who are dating.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Here’s the problem. Often, a truth that someone has no business knowing is revealed if you decline to answer the question.

“Are you a virgin?”

“I don’t think we should talk about that.”

That means, 99% of the time, “No, but I don’t want to tell you I’m not.”

Lying is sometimes the only way to conceal information that other people have no right to. I have a friend who is a closeted homosexual. People often ask if he is. I answer as if I have no idea to the truth of the matter (that he is gay). Which means I usually tell them no.

This can be a problem early in a relationship. One party considers something essential information that will decide whether or not the relationship will continue, and the other party considers it personal information that should not be revealed.

Oftentimes, there is more than one make-or-break issue for a party to decide whether or not to continue in a relationship. The easy way of handling it is simply to state to the other party what the make-or-break issues are, and if any of those issues are present, the relationship will end. The other party can then simply state that relationship is off without revealing any information, or decide to discuss something that may be an issue.

 

[Mj0770]

Thank you all for your responses. I can’t believe the number of people that took time to respond. I didn’t want to go to any of my family it friends with this issue and so I appreciate the feed back I received in here. It’s given me a lot to think about and consider.

 

[einna]

To the OP, I hope you look at your own feeling on how attached to someone you got over the internet. I find that a little too much. Her actions are questionable, but you don’t find the woman of your dreams by typing out your thoughts and feelings on a computer. A relationship is built by personal interaction face to face, looking into the other persons eyes. I can see you finding a deep interest in someone by learning about them online, but your feelings seem a little extreme. If I were the girl I would have been a little wary of you if that is how you came across to her. Maybe she just got spooked.

 

[The_Bucket]

Lying is sometimes the only way to conceal information that other people have no right to. I have a friend who is a closeted homosexual. People often ask if he is. I answer as if I have no idea to the truth of the matter (that he is gay). Which means I usually tell them no.

It’s not the only way, but I take your point. After a certain amount of prying takes place, it’s easier to lie to get the person to be quiet instead of repeating “let’s not discuss it” or “you have no right to ask.”

And Sillara, the truth is that no one has the right to absolutely every piece of information about someone’s past. Even spouses. It’s between individuals and God. There’s no such thing as an “indelible mark of sin” from sexual or other sin. There are only a few things that leave indelible marks on people’s souls and they’re sacraments (baptism, confirmation, holy orders).

Now of course patterns of behavior can presage the future and sexual activity can bring its own consequences in the form of physical illness or psychological/emotional trauma, but there’s nothing inherent about sexual sin that can’t be wiped clean with a simple trip to the confessional.

Do folks in relationships deserve to know if the other is being faithful? Sure. Do they have the right to know about every sexual experience of the past? No. Especially if it’s not relevant to their present. There’s a huge difference between someone who slept with a boyfriend or got drunk and made a mistake and someone who is a full-blown sex addict. Might want to disclose the latter one. The former? Leave it in the confessional.