Ever take a class in logic?
As a matter of fact, I did. A couple of years ago, and it was a course in liberal logic, after which I decided to do the unthinkable: to become a liberal myself.
Because of my natural tendency to defer to legitimate authority, I still support conservatives and conservatism in general, but by changing my affiliation on paper, I am now unfettered by the need to examine the facts of a situation and to reach a [normal] logical conclusion before I make a decision or a categorical statement.
Henceforth, facts speak for themselves as
I interpret them. “Fairness” [that is, how my **
feelings define “fair”], now guides my actions, rather than some archaic, abstract notion of the law, ethics, or morality established by some 4,000 years of Western Civilization. What
I feel is the only truth; there is no other. I will no longer be constrained by right reason. When I use a word, it will mean precisely what
I choose it to mean, neither more nor less. I will no longer have to answer the question, “What do you think about . . . ?” for I will not think about anything, but
"feel" about it instead. For example, I will no longer find it necessary to think of a logical answer to such questions as why President Bush invaded Iraq. A simple shrug of the shoulders, and an “I-guess-he-just-felt-like-it” should suffice. My agreement with his decision will be equally simple: “I
feel he did the right thing.” Sticky, complex questions of UN resolutions, pre-emption, and Saddam’s having [or not having] WMDs will suddenly disappear.
Since we liberals believe that a person’s morality is measured not by his actions but by his support for politically correct causes, those who oppose me, or call my motives into question, are mean-spirited and/or evil. The end justifies the means if the end is good and just, as
I define “good and just.” What I say today is valid only insofar as it supports my present arguments; if I need to change my reasoning tomorrow to support a contradictory position, it will be “unfair” [again, as **
I define “unfair”] to bring up my past position, which obviously changed because of my sudden awareness of better [as **
I define “better”] information, rendering yesterday’s position irrelevant. My feelings about a candidate, determined by the degree of my altruistic image of him conveyed to me by his eloquent oratory, will be everything; his qualifications, past record, and actual words will mean nothing [unless he is promising me a free lunch].
I will be able to work to advance my political agenda guilt-free by not having to worry, acknowledge, or even realize that I am forcing my personal beliefs on others, and be able to accuse those attempting to advance an opposing agenda of being evil for attempting to force
their personal beliefs on
me. This will enable me to have a double standard: one for me and one for those I oppose. When it becomes obvious that my ideas hurt some group or other, I can claim with all apathetic sincerity, “Well,
my intentions were good,” and continue unabated and fully justified.
I will also be able to proclaim my points of view as “centrist” and my opposition’s to be extreme.
If, during an election, my guy is behind in the vote, we will need to keep recounting the ballots until everyone, including the dead and pets, has his/hers/its vote registered according to the demographics of the precincts
I choose and how
I believe those demographics should have voted – regardless of whether fraud, stupidity, confusion, laziness, or just plain error was the cause of my guy losing. We will need to glean the floors in and around the polling places for any chads or scraps of wastepaper and count them all as votes for my candidate. Two-thirds of those who count the ballots will consist of my candidate’s supporters. Once the vote count goes my guy’s way, we will stop examining ballots. The election is over because it went the right way:
my side wins, as it should. Winning is everything.
If in the end, my candidate loses, not all is lost, for I will then be able to hurl at the winner, contradictory epithets, hyperbole, and
ad hominems, however uncharitable or lunatic, even in the same sentence, using my own bizarre conspiracy theories to back them up. He [the winner] will obviously be dumb, so I will deny and defy all his authority. He knows less than I do, even though he is closer to a problem than I, is privileged with more information, and is ultimately responsible. He must be opposed at all costs. I will be able to attribute to him any disaster, natural or otherwise, because of his evil racist intentions and for failing to don his Superman suit, fly instantly [if not sooner] to the scene, and prevent loss of life and property. If my guy is caught committing some illegal/immoral act, I will deny that it ever happened. If he is caught on video tape, it will simply be a matter of his “diverse” lifestyle and/or just his exercising a poor “choice”.
If my guy wins, I will demand that his opposition not criticize him but instead get behind him and support him.
Last and best of all, I will be able to conduct my personal affairs in the exact opposite way I preach that others should conduct theirs.
Anyone who disagrees with me is evil.
Man, is this ever great!!!