Has anyone here been a victim of spousal abuse?

[nancy347]

I spoke to two different counselors today at the dv office. I know that u r both right, i just got scared at the thought of being disabled. I was worried that since our car is in his name that if i took it that he could say i stole it, but they told me that isnt the case since we are married. So unless he comes home and makes a big scene tonight where i will have to call the police and get right out of here, one of the counselors said that they have room for me up here in ny state until i can get to jersey, if he is calm tonight then i will be going to sign the papers tomorrow and i will probably see if i can enter the safe house here until i can get down to new jersey. Please dont stop posting, i need to hear from u all whether ur blunt or not. I need to have some support system right now until i can get into the shelter and get counseling with them. So please keep posting to me, i appreciate all of your help and prayers and i need your feedback to keep me from feeling like i am wrong to do this when i get scared. In Christ’s Love, Nancy

 

[faithandhope]

I spoke to two different counselors today at the dv office. I know that u r both right, i just got scared at the thought of being disabled. I was worried that since our car is in his name that if i took it that he could say i stole it, but they told me that isnt the case since we are married. So unless he comes home and makes a big scene tonight where i will have to call the police and get right out of here, one of the counselors said that they have room for me up here in ny state until i can get to jersey, if he is calm tonight then i will be going to sign the papers tomorrow and i will probably see if i can enter the safe house here until i can get down to new jersey. Please dont stop posting, i need to hear from u all whether ur blunt or not. I need to have some support system right now until i can get into the shelter and get counseling with them. So please keep posting to me, i appreciate all of your help and prayers and i need your feedback to keep me from feeling like i am wrong to do this when i get scared. In Christ’s Love, Nancy

My prayers are with you…

Follow your heart.

God Bless You!!!

 

[dulcissima]

Hoping that all is going well and that you are safe, Nancy. You are a strong woman, stronger than you think, and you can do this!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You can do this. I would just suggest that if there is anything really valuable to you… pictures or letters or anything, you take it with you. Sometimes people destroy things when they are angry.

You can mail stuff to yourself up there also if it doesn’t fit in the car. Get the address, mail it to yourself there and it will be waiting for you in a few days there.

You might be surprised how much your health improves when you are out from under the mental stress of being with someone like that.

The body has a way of taking it out on us when we are psychologically beaten down.

Keep us posted how you are. We care!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

One of the problems with those who take their role as wife and mother seriously is we tend to grade ourselves and how we are doing on the reaction of our spouses and children.

That is great when they are appreciative normal loving human beings.

But a bad spouse can teach children to be unloving and ungrateful.

Then all we hear is negative about ourselves. And we tend to believe it because it is the only voice we hear day in and day out.

You need to talk to people who will reteach you how to see yourself as God sees you, not how your wretched porn-soaked husband and your naive sinful inexperienced children see you.

The children who try to talk you out of leaving him… did they once tell him “Don’t talk to our mother that way!”

Daddy will play the victim. The kids will rally to his side maybe. Let them. At least you won’t be there waiting on them while they gang up on you.

A quarter century of being someone’s doormat they wipe their feet on is quite enough.

You will meet other women who will tell you their life story and it will sound like yours word for word. Abusers all think they are different. They’re really all cut from the same cloth. You will find out you really aren’t alone. And that others come out of this experience and go on to find peace and self-acceptance.

Counselors will help you to find the you that has been tiptoeing around in your own soul for too many years.

 

[nancy347]

People like your husband are very astute at taking the emotional temperature of people around them, liberano this really hit home with me and i discussed this with one of the counselors today. Yes he is very astute at taking that emotional temperature, i was floored when u said that, i said yes, yes, that is him totally. When he came home tonight, i just said to him that the problem that i had with him was that i wanted him to talk to our daughter about her behavior, i told him that she needed to hear it from him and her brother so that she can understand what she is doing. Although i wanted to throw up saying this, knowing his feelings about how he likes girls who behave like her, i wanted to diffuse the situation, so an argument wouldnt ensue. He then said, well if things r okay with us, i will go to our sons house next friday to “celebrate” our 25th anniversary, but if i have a problem with him, he said hed make sure i got there but that he wouldnt go, because anniversaries in our past have been hell he said, and he doesnt want to fake that everything is okay and celebrate it if i have a problem with him. I proceed to fall asleep on the couch because i had such a bad headache, and woke up around 11 pm and went online to pay the bills, and spoke with one of my nieces for awhile on instant message, and looked through this site to check for postings. I have to get up in 3 hours to go to the dentist by 8 am ugh, i dont know if i will be able to sleep but i am looking forward to getting over and signing the papers at the dv office, im just praying that new jersey will accept me right away and if they dont since i will be signing off for help up here, i hope that they will still let me stay at their safe house until the paperwork is processed in new jersey. I guess that they will give me the answers to my questions when i get there. Yes, i will keep you posted and again God bless you liberano and the other posters for keeping me going through all of this. You are all in my prayers and please pray for my family and myself also please. Peace, Nancy

 

[TLM08]

I will be married 25 years at the end of january, 2009. I am married to a man who has a history of anger, verbal, mental and physical abuse. We have been to counselors since we got married in 1984, he really wanted to learn how to control his temper and why he did things he would do, but keeps relapsing. We have separated several times, the last time from 2003 to 2006, and were a month away from our divorce being finalized, but i took him back again, hoping that if i just loved him enough he would change. Here it is 3 years later, and he doesnt like God, still has a temper, gets paranoid about things, and nit picks at me all of the time. He doesnt think that he does anything wrong, hes 52 yo and watches mtv and teenage shows, is addicted to porn, tries to hide it, and after we moved out of state a year and a half ago and are empty nesters now, he sits and watches these stupid shows on tv and is on the internet a lot. As we are getting ready to celebrate our 25th anniversary, it is actually making me more sad and i feel like a fake because we dont have anything in common anymore, our children are grown and i went back with him the last time, so that our daughter would be able to finish high school in the town we lived in. Again, i feel like a fake, i am not happy in this relationship, the more i try to show him love the more it seems to depress him, he doesnt want to hear about God anymore and says everything is my fault. I started counseling today to try and figure out of i should just give up and leave him for good. I have been waiting for 25 years for him to become stable with his anger and his views on God but i am really tired of this and feel like we are just two strangers living in our house. Advise would be welcome. Peace, Nancy

Sounds to me like it’s time to either “fix it” or move on. You have to decide if you want to live like this for another 25 years.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=249609

Nancy, it’s a long read from several months ago, but this may help you a little.

 

[Teakafrog]

Stay strong, Nancy. Do NOT tell him what you’re doing, just wait til the day comes, as soon as he goes to work pack up, get what money you can, and LEAVE. You ARE doing the right thing by going. I’ll be praying for you.

 

[nancy347]

Hi folks, i havent posted for a almost two weeks, i left home two fridays ago and am living in a safe house. My husband wants to work things out even started counseling himself yesterday, but from what ive read from the info the dv agency gave me, abusers dont ever really change unless they absolutely want to every second of every day and have counseling for the rest of their lives. I am seeing a counselor every week, plus there is a group abuse meeting once a week, and will be seeing a catholic spiritual counseling agency at one of the local churches. The people who are helping me have been terrific, have filled out most of the dept of social services papers, and hud, county and city and section 8. There is a long waiting list for each of these 6 mos to a year, so i am looking for a cheap apartment here also, and social services should be able to help me with the funds and fuel, since i am permanently disabled and only get social security, so ive been running from agency to counselor to agency, etc, ane im pooped out lol, have some sad times, but now that i know that it is almost impossible for abusers to change, i feel at peace about my leaving. They have just realized this in the past 10 years and the information on abusers is not widespread, so a lot of counselors who dont keep up with their field dont realize this, i wish i knew 25 years ago! hehe, anyway looking for an apartment that will take my dog, and also a car, so please keep my family and my dog in your prayers. I come to the library to go online, no internet at the safe house, so i have to go for now, but thanks again, for the advise and prayers and please know that you are all in my prayers also. Any info that anyone has on this subject please if you wouldnt mind posting it for me that would be great. Hopefully it will help other people too. God’s Perfect Love to you all, talk soon, love, nancy

 

[dulcissima]

God bless you, Nancy. I hope that you find the peace and the strength that you need. You are right about abusers not changing. He needs to want to change for himself. It won’t work if he is changing just to get you back. What always happens is they change just enough to get you back under their control.

Also, you might find it helpful to not have any phone contact with him. I found I had to limit my contact with my now ex to only email for the longest time. Since your children are now grown, you really have no reason to speak with him. What I found was that my ex was able to find ways to manipulate me and be emotionally abusive via the phone. It would drain away all of the strength that I had to make the changes I needed to make. So, watch for that.

Even though you think you are there just temporarily, I would encourage you to go to Mass and perhaps even a Bible study at the nearby parish. If you have been in a an abusive marriage, chances are that you have lived in some type of isolation. It will be really good for you to get out and meet new people and develop a variety of new friendships and acquaintances.

Praying for you.

 

[twosweetgirls]

Have you filed the necessary restraining orders and such with your police department? Might be a good idea.

 

[ajcoley1]

nancy,
I am so proud of you and I am praying for you. When you began this thread you sounded so sad& your last update sounded full of hope!
It takes guts to start over & it is scary, but we already have the tools we need in the toolbox and the strength to use them. It’s been 6 yrs since I left an abusive relationship. I still look back & think:Wow. Keep us posted okay?

 

[McQ]

I am sorry for your situation. However, you elected to stay and you have
to understand that some people want to suffer for whatever reason. I
think you are one of those people. By putting up with his actions for so
many years you may have damaged your entire family. I had a very good
friend who was killed by her abusive husband. Your husband is a bully and
a coward. Get out and get out now.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Nancy, congratulations on your strength and courage!

You don’t have to tiptoe around in your own soul anymore.

No, they don’t change. It’s worse than drug or alcohol addiction as far as backsliding. They are hardwired to be that way. From the very earliest years of their lives. I echol what Dulcissima said. The less contact you have, the better. They have a way of pulling you back in.

Be aware that now that you are out of it, your emotions will really start coming out. You will finally be able to feel things. And it might overload you now that you’re able to have your own feelings and not stuff them to keep someone else from yelling at you.

And it won’t take much to make you “flashback” to things from your 25 years. A song, a smell, a voice… it will bring up many negative feelings. Watch for your dreams to change. Maybe for the better.

Read up on PTSD. In some ways you will recognize the symptoms of post traumatic stress and how you will have some of that.

Don’t worry about the husband. He’ll find a new victim if you don’t come back. They thrive on sucking the life out of people around them.

Keep us posted! {{hugs}}}

 

[seekdatruth]

he doesnt like God, still has a temper, gets paranoid about things, and nit picks at me all of the time. He doesnt think that he does anything wrong, hes 52 **(mine’s only 32, but still too old for that IMO)**yo and watches mtv and teenage shows, is addicted to porn, tries to hide it… the more i try to show him love the more it seems to depress him, he doesnt want to hear about God anymore and says everything is my fault…I have been waiting for 25 (only 8)years for him to become stable with his anger and his views on God but i am really tired of this and feel like we are just two strangers living in our house. Advise would be welcome. Peace, Nancy

Gee, I really wish I had advice for you!!! All I can say is I’m in a similar boat with you on the above excerpts. :console:
I can add you to my prayers!

 

[dulcissima]

Gee, I really wish I had advice for you!!! All I can say is I’m in a similar boat with you on the above excerpts. :console:
I can add you to my prayers!

Please schedule an appointment with your priest to sit down and discuss this. This is too serious to see if it will get better on it’s own.

 

[seekdatruth]

OH NO! I just read **all **of your posts! I missed a bunch of this thread earlier! SORRY! My present situation is no where near yours, but it has awakened me to what my future could be!!!
I’m not in a position to leave right now, (long story) he is too busy to bother us right now, he has quit drinking–big improvement, and if he ever looked at porn or even MTV when my daughter was around to see, I’D KILL HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!
I still pray for you! GOD BLESS!!!

 

[Island_Oak]

…I would suggest you flip the question: What would you tell your daughter if she was in your position? What advice would you give her if she was with someone like her father?

Someone asked me that and I told her "I’d tell them to “get out yesterday.” I was told: “Then you need to take your own advice and show them how, because chances are, they’ll marry someone like their father and you will be the example they follow of how to deal with that.”

Do not let a son who doesn’t even live with you anymore guilt you into a living death. What’s it to him? Is he paying your bills or putting up with the abuse? He escaped. He can’t force you to stay. He knows nothing of life or marriage. It isn’t his call. How dare he!

And as for your daughter, you just need to say “I stayed for you to have some stability. Now I’m leaving so you have an example that you don’t have to live with degradation your whole life.”

What you have is not a marriage. That is not how God intended for spouses to give and receive love. Bringing porn into a house corrupts everything in it. He will only become more addicted and more hostile to The Truth. And angrier at your good behavior and silent reproach. He’ll eventually step up the spiritual attacks. Or Satan will do it through him. He’s a useful tool there.

You more than paid your dues and served your time in hell. If the idea of living alone is better than what you have now, then you really have been alone and not in a marriage. Free yourself to love God completely without a “husband” being in your way and dragging you down. Your obligations to your children are over.

PS… do you really want to be a grandma someday and your grandchildren come into your house that is tainted by porn and stuff on tv and computers. Little kids have ways of accidentally putting in videos that might not be too good for them.

Make a new home that someone would want to bring innocent children to visit.

Good luck. You have earned some happiness. You are not the fake. But he has turned the whole marriage into a facade. (I’ll go out on a limb here and venture that if you were to redecorate, you’d make everything white and off-white, huh? There’s psychological reasons for people who do that.)

Give yourself the best 25th anniversary present ever and leave him with the promise to yourself the next 25 years will be abuse free and porn free. There is nothing to work with with a man who is lost to porn…

Great post…totally agree. Sorry you find yourself in this awful place, but don’t waste anymore of your life there.

 

[Viki63]

i left home two fridays ago and am living in a safe house.

Nancy, I’ve read all your posts and have great respect for you. What you have done is so hard, I know because I left an abusive relationship 32 years ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
If you do need to go back for furniture or clothing or anything, be sure you take a strong male friend/supporter with you, for protection.
I got divorced 5 years after I left, and an annulment years later. It’s all a bad dream now that I woke up from, and I pray for my ex-husband’s salvation. I have a happy peaceful life now, with a second husband, and I pray that you will find peace and joy also. Remember it takes a long time to heal.