He wont marry me

[Brooklyn]

I think Brooklyn and a few others are confusing “Rebuke” with “Rebuke in love”. There’s a world of difference that most everyone else sees.

Do you see one post that praises her for her lifestyle? Or, thinks she doesn’t need to consider changes? We don’t need to continually condemn her - she seems to know right and wrong and is learning.

The objections are with the self-righteous tones and belicose attitudes, not the argument that sin is bad.

But if she knows what is right and wrong, why is she considering having another baby in this situation? I don’t think she does realize that “sin is bad.” She seems very concerned with her own feelings, but not those of her child or future children. That is what concerns me. I think there is a reason to yell “fire” in this situation. Again, there are too many lives at stake here.

 

[GabbieDear]

I changed my post to direct it to you I am glad to hear that you are taking people’s advice, and I do hope that you will get your life right with God. There is no other way of doing it. Your boyfriend is not going to change, at least not while things are status quo. You have to get out of the situation immediately, at least for the sake of your daughter. And please - no more children in this situation!

Thank you. This is very difficult for me. I am trying really hard to do right for her.

 

[Brooklyn]

Thank you. This is very difficult for me. I am trying really hard to do right for her.

I will pray for you that you find that strength. Just keep looking at and thinking of your daughter, and realize that any decision you make is going to have a tremendous impact on her. She is the one who really counts, not the boyfriend who won’t marry you.

 

[23eagle23]

So no live-in father is better than a flawed one? So a broken home is better than what they have? I think that logic is flawed and is NOT in the best interest of the child.

Those are interesting questions?

But you forgot a question:

Is having a Father, and a complete home but living in sin, in the best interest of the child? and what about the souls of the family?

I believe the above questions are exactly what the OP is wrestling with…

She knows the answer, she just needs to find the courage and help from deep within her self, and the support of others to correct the situation, whatever that correction maybe.

to the OP you have my prayers…

 

[PeterMuz]

and we have been dating for nine years!!!
Hello, my name is Gaby and I have been dating my now live-in boyfriend for nine years and he wont even discuss marriage! We have a beautiful three year old daughter and lately we have been discussing baby number two. He is Baptist and he accepted that I would raise our daughter as Catholic but I feel so guilty that we are not married. He knows I want to marry and he has made it clear that he is not ready, how more ready can you be? we have a child together, live under the same roof and have a joint account!
I have been considering leaving him. I would like to get married and built a home with the right foundation but the thought that is way to scary and I would have loved to have it with my boyfriend. I have loved him this long but this is starting to really really bother me. The fact that we both are from different religions has never bothered me but that is also starting to bother me. I am a bit jealous of the families I see at our Parish on Sunday Mass. I have invited him to Sunday mass and he wont participate, I’m secretly hoping on converting him…
I don’t know if I’ll ever marry, maybe that ship has sailed. But, I don’t want to settle, I don’t think I should. I have made so many compromises for this relationship because I love him but he isn’t doing them for me. Everyday I pray for an answer to the “should I go or should I stay?” question and nothing.

For the good of your soul and the well being of your child, you should move out. Cohabitation and having sex with someone you are not married to puts your soul is serious danger. You need to protect yourself and your kid. If he has been living with you for that long and has a sexual relationship, he is getting what he wants out of marriage without the commitment. Not only do you need to protect your soul, but also your heart. You deserve to have a family with someone who loves you and is willing to wait to be married to you before you have sex or live together. You want your kids to respect their father for stepping up, being a man and committing to his family.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you. This is very difficult for me. I am trying really hard to do right for her.

*You know, it’s hard because no one sets out to sin. No one says…‘self, let’s stay in a relationship with someone for nine years, with no marriage…no end in sight. Yeah, sounds like a good idea, self.’’ No one says this. YOU didn’t say this. What most likely happened, is one year ran into the next…pretty soon you turn around and you’re like…’‘self, holy cow, we’re 9 years older and still not married here?!’’ It is what it is. Now that you recognize it for what it is, you will change it. We don’t change something, if we don’t perceive a problem. You now perceive a problem. You’re now aware of it. I know that through God, you will have the strength to endure the changes you need to undergo to make this right in your life. I know it! I am not a fan of change. Read any recent post of mine about Florida, and you’ll see that. But, I can help others who are going through changes, just not myself.

Just remember…it will be hard. But, it’s hard because you’re undoing a wrong situation. That’s always hard. But, God is delighted that you are going to make things right. He will be there helping you.

Hang in there…we’re here for you. :hug1:*

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Everyday I pray for an answer to the “should I go or should I stay?” question and nothing.

Brooklyn, she was searching for a truth. And if she wasn’t open to it, she wouldn’t have come here.

You don’t know the environments some people are raised in, so their view of life may not be as “evolved” as yours. Like Christ on the road to Emmaus, we are supposed to meet people where they are, not where we think they should be.

She wants another child. Understandable in a woman who loves her child (having one makes one want more often, and one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is siblings.) But she was open to the idea that this is not a good situation to do so in.

She has never been rude to us when we have given advice. You owe her an apology. Not casting the first stone.

Not every stone thrown is in “charity” to “help” someone.

I’m wondering why you were so eager to come back and heap more labels on her and call more names and grind her into the ground more. The best priests I knew taught the unvarnished truth, but taught it with love and patience. If she is thinking of returning to the Church and bringing her child up in it more fully, is your treatment of her an inducement or could you be responsible for driving people away? This is a Catholic board and there are lurkers who may get the wrong idea about us all by reading your post.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And to the OP, any decision you make while not in the state of grace will be an inherently flawed decision.

You have a structure and a life with your child with the father in the home. But does it have the durability and permanence to withstand the test of the storms life will throw at it? Are you complacent, but not understanding that when you need that structure most, it may blow away? Now is the time to start building your own durable life with your daughter. Her father may decide he wants it also. But it will be on God’s terms, not his.

 

[dulcissima]

My priest gave a homily once where he talked about how the saints all had the strength to change and that often for many of us, the absolute scariest thing in the world is change. We are so comfortable in our current situation, that to change and do the right thing often feels impossible. This is so true.

I was only able to get out from my bad situation, my marriage, when my priest told me to – and set a deadline for me – during confession.

To the OP, you haven’t had the Eucharist in 9 years. Honestly, the best thing you can do is to go to confession and do what your confessor tells you to do and return to the Eucharist. I don’t know where else you will find the strength that you need.

 

[PeterMuz]

Thank you. This is very difficult for me. I am trying really hard to do right for her.

I bet this is difficult. I can only imagine. It is very obvious that you want to do what is right, especially for your daughter. You are in my prayers.

You know what might be good… is to read What a Daughter Needs From Her Dad by Michael Farris or something similar. This may help you as you trying to give you daughter what she needs. Obviously you wouldn’t go marry a guy just because he would be a good father, but that should be something you do not compromise.

I think this is something that has been somewhat left out the past 10 years or so. Many people run off and get married and do not consider whether their spouse will make a good parent. You are definitely not alone in this. I seem to be seeing this almost everywhere I turn.

Anyways, my wife and I will pray for you. Don’t forget, you deserve to truly cherished by the man you marry. He should love ALL of you and want to make a family with you. If he loves you, he will wait.

 

[Brooklyn]

Brooklyn, she was searching for a truth. And if she wasn’t open to it, she wouldn’t have come here.

You don’t know the environments some people are raised in, so their view of life may not be as “evolved” as yours. Like Christ on the road to Emmaus, we are supposed to meet people where they are, not where we think they should be.

She wants another child. Understandable in a woman who loves her child (having one makes one want more often, and one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is siblings.) But she was open to the idea that this is not a good situation to do so in.

She has never been rude to us when we have given advice. You owe her an apology. Not casting the first stone.

Not every stone thrown is in “charity” to “help” someone.

I’m wondering why you were so eager to come back and heap more labels on her and call more names and grind her into the ground more. The best priests I knew taught the unvarnished truth, but taught it with love and patience. If she is thinking of returning to the Church and bringing her child up in it more fully, is your treatment of her an inducement or could you be responsible for driving people away? This is a Catholic board and there are lurkers who may get the wrong idea about us all by reading your post.

So when someone is in a burning house, do you wait until they realize it before you try to rescue them? She has been living in sin for 9 years, and she says she has known the whole time it was wrong, not having received the Eucharist in all that time.

I speak from experience. I grew up in a household with a father who cheated on my mother almost from day one. I made plenty of mistakes with men in my younger years, and played the “unpaid prostitute” far too many times. I wish I had had someone back then to set me straight. But I had people like you who just gave me a lot of sympathy instead of tough love, which is what this young lady needs. I know how foolish women can be, always hoping and believing that their love will somehow change a man. The chances of that happening are slim to none. In the meantime, their lives and the lives of their children are destroyed.

Yes, someone lurking here might get the idea that sin is wrong and can never be tolerated. At the same time, we preach a Christ of mercy unbounded, but we must make that first step and go to him admitting and repenting of our sin. That is what I am saying to the OP - she needs to face herself and the mistakes she has made over the years, and she needs to change. And as others have said, she can only do it through God’s grace. But she will not receive God’s grace until she gets out of her present situation.

I did not cast any stones. She told us her situation, and I labeled it for what it is. I did not condemn her. I said this in hopes of shocking her to reality, and certainly hoping that she will get any thoughts of having another child out of her head. I hope and pray that as soon as tonight she will make the changes she needs to make.

 

[dulcissima]

Brooklyn, are you from Brooklyn?

 

[Brooklyn]

Brooklyn, are you from Brooklyn?

Yes

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I take it you’re not familiar with many of my posts.

I don’t varnish the truth. But there is a way to say it where it will fall on receptive ears.

I was going to ask you who you were mad at in your life that you insisted on calling such words to someone you don’t know, whose history you don’t know, and whose life you don’t know. I see you are angriest at yourself. And your father.

If he was as bad as you say, you already know that you can condemn someone with a cruel word. One word is all it takes. Harlot is a good start.

Go back and read my advice to her. I didn’t tell her to stay. I didn’t tell her to cling to false hope. I have a gold medal in thinking love can change a man. I know what it’s like to have a life and my children’s lives destroyed.

I also know, and I’m saying this to you woman to woman, that the people who were most effective in helping me were not the ones who insulted me, called me names or ground the remnants of my self esteem into the dirt.

I say to the OP, God loves you. He wants you back. Bring your baby. Go to Him. He can fix your life in ways we cannot know.

You did throw a stone. It had the word Harlot written on it. No one needs that.

She came here because deep down she knew she had to change. We all encouraged her with kindness. I’d hate to think you scared her away from the Church by being harsh.

When God reignites the flame of his love in a heart that has grown distant, don’t ever be the one who snuffs it out by your words that might make them turn back toward sin.

 

[Brooklyn]

I take it you’re not familiar with many of my posts.

I don’t varnish the truth. But there is a way to say it where it will fall on receptive ears.

I was going to ask you who you were mad at in your life that you insisted on calling such words to someone you don’t know, whose history you don’t know, and whose life you don’t know. I see you are angriest at yourself. And your father.

If he was as bad as you say, you already know that you can condemn someone with a cruel word. One word is all it takes. Harlot is a good start.

Go back and read my advice to her. I didn’t tell her to stay. I didn’t tell her to cling to false hope. I have a gold medal in thinking love can change a man. I know what it’s like to have a life and my children’s lives destroyed.

I also know, and I’m saying this to you woman to woman, that the people who were most effective in helping me were not the ones who insulted me, called me names or ground the remnants of my self esteem into the dirt.

I say to the OP, God loves you. He wants you back. Bring your baby. Go to Him. He can fix your life in ways we cannot know.

You did throw a stone. It had the word Harlot written on it. No one needs that.

She came here because deep down she knew she had to change. We all encouraged her with kindness. I’d hate to think you scared her away from the Church by being harsh.

When God reignites the flame of his love in a heart that has grown distant, don’t ever be the one who snuffs it out by your words that might make them turn back toward sin.

I did not call her a harlot. Another poster used that word. A harlot is a woman who take money in exchange for sex. She is not doing that. She is just giving it away for free. That may sound crude, but that’s the truth, and she needs to face up to that.

How is that calling her names? How is making her see exactly what she is doing call her names? Yes, the word prostitute is an unpleasant word, but for all of us who have given our bodies to men without a commitment, that is what we are, prostitutes, whether paid or unpaid. As I said, I wish I had had someone tell me that when I was younger. But people were all so “nice.” Their “niceness” cost me a lot of pain.

If I seem “mad”, it’s because I see lives being destroyed here, the life of the OP, her daughter, and God forbid, any future children she will have with this man. I see a person completely cut off from her Creator and floundering.

Please, no psychoanalyzing. That is so patronizing. That is something I find offensive, so if you are so concerned about being offensive, please resist those impulses.

But just to return your psychoanalyzing, you are a woman, and as such, you want to nurture. Sometimes nurturing is being gentle and kind. If the OP were in a situation where she had left this guy, but was in turmoil because she was agonizing about going back to him, I think that would definitely call for gentleness. But I will say it one more time - she is in a burning house, and she needs to be pulled out of there, and if it takes breaking down windows and doors, so be it.

 

[dulcissima]

I have family from there.

Not sure where the OP is from, but I know that communication styles are different in different parts of the country. What is normal in Brooklyn might be viewed as heavy-handed or harsh elsewhere. So, that might be why so many of us are viewing you as being so hard on her, even though you are meaning to be helpful. People in the North East tend to be very direct and tend to cut to the chase. Someone who is accustomed to that might benefit from the tough love, but people from other areas would find it offensive and rude.

Sigh.

I think I am mangling this.

Just saying, I think I understand your approach better now, but maybe realize that not everyone is going to get the more brash approach. We probably all, including the OP, realize that she should not continue on with the status quo, so maybe there really is no disagreement.

 

[estesbob]

and we have been dating for nine years!!!
Hello, my name is Gaby and I have been dating my now live-in boyfriend for nine years and he wont even discuss marriage! We have a beautiful three year old daughter and lately we have been discussing baby number two. He is Baptist and he accepted that I would raise our daughter as Catholic but I feel so guilty that we are not married. He knows I want to marry and he has made it clear that he is not ready, how more ready can you be? we have a child together, live under the same roof and have a joint account!
I have been considering leaving him. I would like to get married and built a home with the right foundation but the thought that is way to scary and I would have loved to have it with my boyfriend. I have loved him this long but this is starting to really really bother me. The fact that we both are from different religions has never bothered me but that is also starting to bother me. I am a bit jealous of the families I see at our Parish on Sunday Mass. I have invited him to Sunday mass and he wont participate, I’m secretly hoping on converting him…
I don’t know if I’ll ever marry, maybe that ship has sailed. But, I don’t want to settle, I don’t think I should. I have made so many compromises for this relationship because I love him but he isn’t doing them for me. Everyday I pray for an answer to the “should I go or should I stay?” question and nothing.

I dont know what State you live in BUT in many States you are already married. in Texas , for instance, your situation would constitute a common law marriage and he would have to get a divorce to marry someone else.

 

[Brooklyn]

I have family from there.

Not sure where the OP is from, but I know that communication styles are different in different parts of the country. What is normal in Brooklyn might be viewed as heavy-handed or harsh elsewhere. So, that might be why so many of us are viewing you as being so hard on her, even though you are meaning to be helpful. People in the North East tend to be very direct and tend to cut to the chase. Someone who is accustomed to that might benefit from the tough love, but people from other areas would find it offensive and rude.

Sigh.

I think I am mangling this.

Just saying, I think I understand your approach better now, but maybe realize that not everyone is going to get the more brash approach. We probably all, including the OP, realize that she should not continue on with the status quo, so maybe there really is no disagreement.

You really are into psychoanalyzing, aren’t you? Well, I live in Brooklyn now, but I grew up in the Midwest. Does that make a difference?

When someone is in mortal danger, I don’t think that is the time to worry about being brash or not. You don’t yell fire when there is no fire, but if I see fire, you can be darn sure I’m going to yell, and I don’t really care if anyone’s sensibilities are offended or not. I think their lives are more important than their sensibilities.

I, like most other people, have been guilty of very serious sin. The deeper I got into sin, the harder it was to get through to me, and I think that is true for everyone because that is the nature of sin. It sears our consciences. Someone who is living in sin needs a big wakeup call, and you’ve got to call things what they are so they can understand how serious the matter is. The OP’s soul is in mortal danger. She needs to understand that. I hope that she does now.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Dulcissima, I think you’re exactly right.

I’m a southern girl.

We say “Well, bless your heart” when we mean “Poor thing. You can’t help yourself that you’re a complete jerk.”

We say “You might not want to do that, Sugar.” when we mean “Stop that now. What are you? A complete moron?”

“She’s not very nice” is “She’s a b---- on wheels.”

“They ain’t purty” is “That family is ugly as sin.”

“Oh my word!” is really “Holy sh-t!”

“HE’s a little slow” is “he’s dumb as a box of rocks.”

“I don’t think so” is “H3LL NO!”

So that’s the way it is. I think the OP may be from the south, her BF being Baptist. So maybe other’s words sounded more urgent than Brooklyn realized.

 

[dulcissima]

Yes, this forum does lend itself to over-analysis.

The approach you take can yield different results, even when the advice being given is the same. Being harsh with people who sin, if it pushes them away or makes them shut down, is not always effective. The OP hasn’t been on here boasting about her lifestyle. That would be the only case I can think of where such a harsh approach would be appropriate.

I think people need to know you care about them if you want your advice to go down well. The OP has given you her opinion, and fortunately she is one who can shrug off the hard hits. Not everyone can, and in that instance you would be alienating many more people than you would be helping.