Hello. I am seeking some advice on marriage issues

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tbcrawford said:
Corinne I have been following your story and I just wanted to say I hope and pray everything works out well with you & your husband.I pray the counselling works and the trust can build again.He is a very lucky husband to have you.May God bless you.
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AWWWW TB Crawford: How sweet you are to say such and offer your heartfelt prayers for our marriage. Thank you ever so much.

God is the only one who restores the years the locusts have eaten, not anything any of us can ever do.

My heart is in Him. Yet I love my dear hubby just beyond belief too. Our counselor gave us each “assignments” for this next week, his was, upon moving home gradually to fully apologize to our sons, mine was to examine what I may have done to contribute. I am asking the Lord to show me my heart this week, and this Lent, my weaknesses too, which are too many. But, I also ask Him to purify me and make me new in Christ, which He will, thanks be to God. In Christ we are all new creatures. 2 Cor. 5:17: “Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creature. The old things are passed away and the new has come”… Thank you so much for praying for me. We are back together and I am happy, so are my kids, although it will take some restoring. Thank you thank you. God is so good. Continue praying for me, and for us.

I can only thank the Lord for this restoration, as He is in charge.
 
Your contribution to what?

Edited because I messed the quotes formatting up and ended up deleting the quoted part.
 
proudnifi said:
Your contribution to what?

Edited because I messed the quotes formatting up and ended up deleting the quoted part.
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My contribution to our marriage problems, you know it takes 2 to tango…lol…in some way.

My assignment is to discover what part I played in our marriage difficulties. That is what I meant. Sorry if I wasn’t clear, but thanks so much Profundi for even responding. I at first thought “what did I do”? I was not the one to have an affair, which I was not, but still, I was sinful in many ways over the past 2 years, (just in my explodes of anger for one) --which may have made things much worse----which the Lord is working on my heart with, and in which has played a part in our separations, and our reconciliation too. It’s amazing how it all plays out.

Thank you for following my thread and for helping me.👍😃
 
Corinne3 said:
My contribution to our marriage problems, you know it takes 2 to tango…lol…in some way.
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Gotcha. As long as it’s clear to everyone (husband and counselors) that the affairs aren’t your fault. I got a little worried that it was your contribution to him choosing to have an affair. Which would tick me off, since you didn’t make him do anything. We are responsible for our own choices. God knows that is more than enough responsibility for me. 😉
 
Just wrote a whole long post then lost it----oh well…more time to pray.

Thank you all for your prayers. 😃
Thank you Proudnifi and Vicki~:)🙂

God Bless~
 
Thank you all so much for your prayers.

Things are going well for me and my hubby and family. We’re in counseling with 2 counselors, his, and mine, now the 4 of us together. Also my h is going to a men’s bible study, which is awesome. God is good. I have hope that God can and will restore the awful years that the locusts have eaten, the last 2. I am working on myself and getting my life back too. It’s an uphill battle and I often struggle with the pain and hurt of everything that has gone on in the past few years, but try not to focus on that, but on the present and being in the moment. Occasionally I have had bad dreams and/or woken up at night in tears, and feeling afraid and devastated again, like I am re-living it. I hate feeling this way. I do not to re-live it, but I guess our life experiences make us who we are.

Thank you so much for praying for me still.

God Bless~
 
How should I handle this NOW?

Things have been going really well. Had a beautiful Easter with family, had a wonderful Mother’s Day, etc. Counseling going fine, etc. THEN, saw h’s cell records and end of April, he made a call again to the strip club dancer-----i.e., woman he’s been completely obsessed with now for 3 years. He said it was “a mistake” they never spoke, etc., it was only a one minute call.

I am devastated at just the thought of him thinking STILL about phoning her.

I told him this has caused me to lose trust again in him, after things were going so good…and how disappointed I am. He just said it was a mistake…

Will bring it up in counseling session this week. In the meantime, what am I to think/say/do? He thinks I am making too big of a deal about it, but it’s just the thought, the deceit that affects me the most…He said, as you recall, the end of Feb he “called it off permanently as it was ruining his life and his family’s life”. OK then. Move on, deal, heal. NOW THIS.

I don’t know what to do. Yes, there could have been calls from a payphone, even perhaps visits. Just the fact he’s still dialing this number, makes me literally sick, not to mention the fact I don’t want him to touch me! Am I making too big of a deal out of it? This is simply NOT OK with me.

I did only see one 1-minute call on his records. Still, I am shattered. What is his problem?

He is even going to a bible study men’s prayer group weekly. And confidentially the pastor said my husband is in the affair mode…“still”…that he never participates in the bible study/prayer/comes late, leaves early, etc…never talks, etc.

What am I to do? I cannot possible kick him out again, like I did 4 times in the past 2 years, to only have him return home. It is too upsetting for me and my kids. I cannot divorce him, as I have mo money and no job, neither does he. We’re both unemployed. Plus I love him. We’ve b een married 22 years.

How should I handle this?

Any thoughts/comments/advice is very much appreciated.

Thank you very much,
Corinne:blush:
 
Oh dear Corinne my heart goes out to you so very much my friend.I would feel exactly like you do now.How devastating that you have given him every opportunity to stop his dreadful behaviour and not lose his wife and family.He still rang that number even if it was only one minute,the call was accepted & they spoke for 1 min.You are right that you can bring this up in counselling…but in the meantime you have to live with each other daily this is sooo hard for you and I am so sorry.Of course none of us here are experts but we do care.I know I do not know all the details but from what you have said it may be that he has a sexual problem ie an addiction to sleaze type sexual fantasy.I don’t know this of course I am just thinking this may be the case.I wonder if you bring this up in counselling that he may not even recognise it himself that he has an issue…then maybe he could get counselling or treatment for his sexual fantasy.I would speak to your priest about this latest incident regarding him phoning.You must be feeling so low as he has hurt you so much.He is so lucky to have you as his wife,you have stood by him through such a lot.
I hope you get to speak to your priest soon and see what he has to say about this latest development.I will continue to pray for you and i sincerely hope and pray he can overcome his issues and be loyal and faithful to you.Congratulations by the way on 22yrs of marriage…in this day and age what a major achievement…but he has his role to play in this too,marriage is two people.May God bless you xx

Dear Lord please be with Corinne through this deeply emotional difficult time.She has been betrayed by her husband and ius hurting so deeply.I ask You to heal her form the pain she suffers and open the heart and mind of her husband to Your will that he will be loyal and faithful to his wife and recognise the security and stability he has.Lord in Your mercy hear our prayers Amen
 
I didn’t read all of the posts. Sorry if I am redundant.

What your husband is doing is wrong. In the past, I was in strip joints. A couple of my old girlfriends worked in them. The recipients of the lap dances often have an orgasm during the lap dances. They are expensive. He is taking money away from better uses.

He is a chump. The strippers lead the “clients” on. They take the mens money and then laugh about how stupid the men are in the backroom. He is living in a fantasy. Some of the girls have regulars. Your husband is one of her regulars. She watches for her regulars to walk in. The other girls will mostly respect his stripper and will not approach your husband until his stripper has moved on. They will give him all the attention he wants. They tell him that he is different than the other guys. They compliment him. They tell him that he is exactly the kind of man that they go for. And in the meantime, the stripper probably has a drug addict abusive boyfriend and two kids at home.
 
Yes, I know all about what it entails going to a strip joint, and what these ladies are in it for. They don’t think twice about offering additional favors outside the club–they’re all nymphomaniacs anyways.

I’d appreciate you answering my question though 2 posts above if you, or anybody can. What do I do about it?

Thank you.
 
Corinne3 said:
How should I handle this NOW?

Things have been going really well. Had a beautiful Easter with family, had a wonderful Mother’s Day, etc. Counseling going fine, etc. THEN, saw h’s cell records and end of April, he made a call again to the strip club dancer-----i.e., woman he’s been completely obsessed with now for 3 years. He said it was “a mistake” they never spoke, etc., it was only a one minute call.

I am devastated at just the thought of him thinking STILL about phoning her.

I told him this has caused me to lose trust again in him, after things were going so good…and how disappointed I am. He just said it was a mistake…

Will bring it up in counseling session this week. In the meantime, what am I to think/say/do? He thinks I am making too big of a deal about it, but it’s just the thought, the deceit that affects me the most…He said, as you recall, the end of Feb he “called it off permanently as it was ruining his life and his family’s life”. OK then. Move on, deal, heal. NOW THIS.

I don’t know what to do. Yes, there could have been calls from a payphone, even perhaps visits. Just the fact he’s still dialing this number, makes me literally sick, not to mention the fact I don’t want him to touch me! Am I making too big of a deal out of it? This is simply NOT OK with me.

I did only see one 1-minute call on his records. Still, I am shattered. What is his problem?

He is even going to a bible study men’s prayer group weekly. And confidentially the pastor said my husband is in the affair mode…“still”…that he never participates in the bible study/prayer/comes late, leaves early, etc…never talks, etc.

What am I to do? I cannot possible kick him out again, like I did 4 times in the past 2 years, to only have him return home. It is too upsetting for me and my kids. I cannot divorce him, as I have mo money and no job, neither does he. We’re both unemployed. Plus I love him. We’ve b een married 22 years.

How should I handle this?

Any thoughts/comments/advice is very much appreciated.

Thank you very much,
Corinne:blush:
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Corinne, I really applaud your efforts to help your husband and repair your marriage. I can’t even imagine how tough this must be for you and your family. I have not read all the posts, so I appologize if I state some thoughts which are redundant with previous posts.

Your husband clearly has issues and hopefully counseling will resolve this, but who knows…it isn’t an overnight process. The fact he doesn’t participate in the bible study isn’t a good thing. Did the pastor offer any ideas of how to change this? How to get your husband more proactive?

Unfortunately your husband is infatuated with this ‘dancer’. She has him right where she wants him. She doesn’t care about him, she just plays mind games with him to ensure he keeps coming back and spending money. I am not sure if he realizes that or not. He is hooked. As much as I hate to say it, I think part of the reason your husband does this stuff is because he knows you won’t leave him. He has no fear of consequences.

You say you don’t have a job, but neither does he? How would it be worse off if you don’t have him in your life besides the fact you love him? Financially, wouldn’t you be in the same position for the most part? Are their ways for you to takes steps to find employment and potentially be independent. This way when/if you do threaten to leave him in the future you will have options.

You are not making too big a deal about any of this. He is continually disrepecting you and the kids. His behavior is dispicable.

Does he have any close male friends (or brothers) that you can talk to and discuss the situation with and potentially get there help? Sometimes guys will listen to their friends if they intervene rather than a priest/spouse, etc.
 
Thank you so much Jay. My h has not one Christian friend. Actually no friends at all. He used to when he was employed 2 years ago. Sure he goes to the men’s bible study every week, and has met some acquaintances there, but that is all. Maybe they will turn into friends.

I do know I must find employment so I will have options. But haven’t yet. So I have no options except to pray and trust God.

You are right knowing I am trapped has caused him perhaps to keep doing the behavior, knowing I will never leave, because I can’t. So he can have both worlds.

So are you saying then unless and until I have options I can do nothing,say nothing? This is what I am puzzled about.

This past week in counseling, this phone call came out. (I saw it on his cell records online.) I was soooo distraught, (again)… I said (in counseling) there is no point for my husband to continue on coming to our counseling session, so am planning to meet just alone with my counselor this week. I think it is important for my h to meet alone with his too, it seems when we meet together, it opens a huge can of worms, anger, hurt, and this does more harm then good it seems. There is nothing to talk about really, “how was your week?”, etc. etc…We have talked about this now in counseling for 2 months, things apparently going very well, then this, simply another phone call he made to this “dancer”…When I thought he was done with it! Never-ending. :mad: I need to heal, get a plan, and he needs to become a man, and stop this behavior. Period. What’s really to discuss in counseling? He needs sex addiction therapy! So this is where I am going and headed. I don’t feel “checking up on him” does me any good any more. It only devastates me emotionally and is a huge set back. I feel things will be revealed if there will be any more to be revealed, down the road, all in God;s time. It’s pretty sad though, the ONE person I thought I could trust more than anyone in the world, proved to be so untrustworthy. How can I ever trust him ever again? Repeated consistent behavior over time. Hasn’t happened yet. It’s been um 3 weeks. This is just so painful. I do not know if God expects me to live with this for the rest of my life.

Thank you for listening.🙂
 
Oh dear Corinne my heart just breaks for you it really does.His behaviour is just awful and he doesn’t deserve a faithful loving wife as you.However, I do pray it works out for you both, but HE has to change and if he isn’t willing I don’t see how things can improve.Perhaps when you meet alone with your counsellor next time it might be worth stating that unless he is prepared to make the marriage work then how can it? It takes both of you to be committed to being faithful, honest, true, to each other, and loyal,not just one of you.Im sure your h does love you i truly do, but i ‘think’ from what i have read that he has an infatuation/fantasy issue going on.I hope he is honest at his counselling session and recognises what he is doing & reisists his current behaviour.It is important that he understands that you cannot possibly begin to make this marriage work & build trust in him again unless he starts being honest.He has to earn back your trust.
I pray the Holy Spirit will move him and he will open his heart and mind to God’s will.I pray for strength for you to get through all this.God bless youxx
 
Hello Corrinne,
I am the other person that was referred to you who experienced a similar fate. My husband of 30 years confessed to me last June that he had been going to strip bars for over 3 years.He said he stopped because the heavy grinding on his penis caused it to develop scar tissue and bend (Peyronies Disease). At this place, men were getting BJ's, and some, for the right price, got intercourse. My husband, after some prodding, said he was able to put his mouth on her breasts, and his hands where ever he wanted. All this, he said, was not cheating, because he did not have intercourse. He said it was simply a form of entertainment, and to this day, he doesn't feel guilty about it. We have been separated on and off 5 times since last June. We're back again, but this time, every time he wants sex, he wants me to dress in sexy lingerie, which I don't mind, but now I suspect, he can't enjoy sex unless I am dressed up to look like them. I said a man should be able to "show love" to his wife without her having to dress up first. In my mind, we were having lust, not marital sex. So, now he is angry. I am at the end of my rope. Counseling was a joke. He simply showed no effort to try and make it up to me. I hope you are doing better. I think some men just don't get it and never will. They are narcisists.
 
Dear e3342:

OMGosh! That is horrible. You must feel awful about this, I can imagine! Thanks so much for writing to me and sharing.

May I ask what are you planning on doing about it all? How do you and will you proceed?

I still don’t have a clue. Other than offering it all up to the Lord in prayer, for Him to sustain me. It is so hard.

If I could be self-sufficient financially, I would love to be free of this dishonesty and disrespect, (and marriage) but I am not financially self-sufficient at all. Also would this be what God wants? So…what does a wife do??? I’m sure we are not the only ones who have faced this situation before in the history of time. I am not a feminist, and do not want to be alone for the rest of my life with only myself to count on. It would be just too difficult.

Do you two sleep in the same room?

Please, if you don’t mind, I really need some insight on how you handle your situation?

I fear my h is still lying to me. He’s also on Facebook now flirting with women he meets. I questioned him about it and he lied, I saw it firsthand, because he forgets to log off many times. Oh dear.

God Bless YOU
 
Waiting to hear from you!

God be with you this day.

Corinne3:thumbsup:
 
Sweetie, I wish I had any advice to give you. I’m sorry that you’re in the situation that you’re in and I want you to know that I’m praying for you.
 
I’m not married so take what I say with a grain of salt. I just read through most of this thread and sorry if I missed it, but what did your priest advise when you went to speak with him?

I don’t know why your husband feels the need to do what he does but it just seems like he isn’t really repentant. I personally don’t see how someone like that could be ready anytime soon to be moving back in. Perhaps putting your foot down harder is necessary? Your love for your husband is admirable and God must be pleased with you staying faithful to your vows. BUT, perhaps this is the time to put your feelings for him aside and tell your husband (charitably but firmly) that you need to see some major changes in him before you will even think about letting him back in the house. If he is truly addicted, then treat the situation like an addiction. Don’t believe anything he says. Focus in on his actions. Once he becomes truly repentant (if he ever does), he will be working his tush off to regain your trust. He will be truly sorry for hurting you and the children. But it will take quite some time. In the mean time you may be better off not bothering to contact him about it, since, as you said, you are the one initiating everything. And I think you already know all of this. So trust in God and trust the instinct that God has given you.

I’m terribly sorry that you and your children are hurting from this. You have my prayers.
 
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