Hello. I am seeking some advice on marriage issues

[defenderoftruth]

Corinne,

I’ve read every post in this thread 8 pages worth. With that said:

First off I’ve only been married 7 years to a faithful man that looked at porn and stopped before we started dating and is disgusted at whorish women, so I don’t know how you are feeling on the issue of being married 22 years to a man that has been deeply addicted to porn that long.

I do know that 4 times in the past 3 years is ridiculous. You say you love him-what do you love? He’s left you (really you didn’t kick him out he was already emotionally gone) and your children to pursue this whore (she does sex stuff for money so that’s really what she is). It may be a fantasy but he’s making it his reality and dragging you and your kids along for the emotional rollercoaster of abuse. (that’s what it is Corinne, abuse.)

I’m against divorce period. I am for separation until he PROVES that he’s done and serious about treating you like a husband should treat a wife. The coming late to bible study and leaving early and not participating shows me at least that he’s not interested in being there he’s only there because he feels like he “has to”. Granted this is an addiction but he can control himself because he’s making an effort to hide his adultery (for the poster that said it wasn’t WHATEVER!! he has some whore he’s paying money to, to rub on him! That might not be penetration but c’mon!!). It’s like Dr. Laura said about an abuser or some guy that likes to look at porn at home. They claim they can’t “control themselves” do they look at porn at work or beat up their co workers when they are upset? He CAN control himself he just chooses not to.

Now I don’t want you to take this wrong I’m very hurt and angry for you (my father was an adulterer on my mom). Your husband will continue most likely on this current road of appeasing you with token bible studies, counseling etc. until he again gets tired of it and decides to go back to his whore. I don’t believe he’s sorry AT ALL since when you confronted him on his phone call it was “I hate you, how dare you snoop on me”. He has been effectively cheating on you for 3 years you have EVERY RIGHT to check up on him.

You need to cut him loose to pursue his “interests”, if your children are of working age ask them to help you out, if not get some help from the state but don’t stay with him for a meal ticket because the emotional trauma to you and your children isn’t worth the money (if he’s got a job again).

The porn has driven him to this, he needs to be part of a program for sex/porn addicts to clean up that filthy mind of his. He needs to become a real Christian before he can see how disgusting his behavior is granted there are athiests that see it as wrong but many people that deep in porn addiction need to find Christ before they realize they are a lost in the sea of sexual addiction. As long as he’s denying that’s it’s sex he’s in denial about it being wrong. He’s trying to act like a guy that works too much and says it’s ruining my family. He’s not working he’s committing adultery.

I have a family member that is going through something similar her husband is surfing for biker chicks online “just looking” he says but not anything else. AS THOUGH THAT ISN’T A PROBLEM. It will escalate as long as he’s in denial and she does nothing. You must act for your and your children’s emotional health. Talk seriously to him, I know you get “weak at the knees” but really look at him in the eyes and have a serious talk about bible study and counseling if you see that he’s got the “well I’m doing what you want so get off my back” thing with an attitude of unrepentance kick him out. Don’t let him sweet talk his way back by manipulating you…sorry Corinne but he’s been playing you like a fiddle. Stop being a fiddle, it’s hard but you must defend yourself and your kids. Go to marriage counseling with him out of the house (him not living with you) you’ll be able know better if he’s serious or not, make him (you have the right) go to some 12 step program for porn/sex addicts and have a person he is accountable to besides you they have buddies they call when tempted. (sorry but you’ve shown him that he can continue to walk on you)

If or when he’s repentant and over this filth and can prove it by hard work and a lot of apologies take him back. But this isn’t going to be some quick fix Corinne it’s going to take time he’s got a deep seated sin that’s been there for a long time…don’t be in a rush to take him back because you miss him and are lonely that will not help him but only allow him to be enabled in his sin.

That’s my .05 cents worth sorry for the long post,
I will pray for you,
DoT

 

[floresco]

Dear Floresco:

No, nothing you said offended me at all. It’s just that my impression was that you think because I withheld sex from my h, or wasn’t fulfilling his needs, this is why he turned to strippers. That isn’t it at all.

I did not think that. I’m sorry I gave that impression. I was only talking about withholding sex because you said that is what you are doing now. I was trying to explain how serious a step this is. Sometimes women do not realize this. It very well may be the right thing to do in your situation, but it is never a step to be taken lightly (I’m not saying you are taking it lightly.)

I have no trouble believing that you were not doing anything wrong at all and that it is all coming from your husband. It was like that in my case. My spouse was not doing anything wrong to provoke my sin. I am fully responsible.

I just wanted to encourage you by letting you know that sometimes unfaithful spouses repent and change and that marriages can survive adultery.

 

[Corinne3]

Dear Defender of Truth:

Just wrote a long reply to you, and then it got lost.

Thanks for reading all 8 pages of this thread. WOW! You are totally right in everything you say and suggest, I agree with you!!!

My only response to everything you’ve said at this point in my life is:

BEEN THERE DONE THAT

4 times in the past 2 years.

One day at a time.

 

[floresco]

Corinne,
I have read through the entire thread again, more carefully this time. I did catch some things I missed the first time.

It still sounds to me like your husband, at least on some level, really might want to change. Somehow you need to find a balance between avoiding enabling him to sin and being so harsh that he becomes discouraged in his attempts to change and gives up. I will pray for you and for him.

 

[Corinne3]

OK: I have heard a lot about “enabling” in reference to my h in the past 2 years. People have told me even that by letting him live here, in his home, that is enabling him…Huh?

Could someone please tell what enabling behaviors on my part would look like given my situation??? I really don’t know what that would be.Telling him “sure honey, I don’t mind if you continue going to strip joints”…this would be enabling…but what else? What specific things would be enabling him? (The last thing I want to do)…but then again I don’t want to punish him either. That is not my job, that is God’s job.

 

[floresco]

Here is an excerpt from the Wikipedia article:

In a negative sense, enabling is also used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem. A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person’s harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person themselves does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. It is a major environmental cause of addiction.

A common example of enabling can be observed in the relationship between the alcoholic and a codependent spouse. The spouse believes incorrectly that he or she is helping the alcoholic by calling into work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment. In reality what the spouse is doing is hurting, not helping. Enabling prevents psychological growth in the person being enabled and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.

Personally, I don’t see how anything you are doing is enabling. You have been very clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and you are not encouraging it in any way.

 

[ContegoFides]

Corrine,

I don’t know what is enabling and what isn’t, or even if a particular action is “enabling” and is still good. “Enabling” is one of those new-fangled psychology words, but the philosophy of modern psychologists sometimes clashes with good Catholic theology.

I’d be more interested in figuring out the right thing to do - which is precisely what you are struggling with. Unfortunately, I have few good ideas. I can point to the lives of some saints who lived with horrible abuse, sometimes similar to what you are experiencing. As I recall, the response was often to endure and to pray and to encourage their spouses to repent. I can think of Elizabeth Leseur (not a saint yet, and maybe didn’t endure infidelity) and I’m sure there are others. This behavior might be considered “enabling,” but it certainly would be good and just in God’s eyes.

Not that you should endure, necessarily.

Personally, I feel supremely unqualified to offer you advice on such an involved, complex, difficult, and heart-wrenching issue. I suspect many of us on the forums are also unqualified, even if advice is offered. Nevertheless, I will venture to give you a few general thoughts, even if I have no idea how to respond in detail.

My first suggestion is, if you haven’t done it already, to seek the counseling of an orthodox priest as well as a Catholic counselor, such as the pastoral solutions institute at exceptionalmarriages.com/. If you have tried counseling but are unsatisfied - find another counselor and/or priest, who are both in union with the Holy Father.

I can also say as a man who was once the prodigal son, reaching your husband caught in the net of sexual sin may be supremely difficult. What you are fighting here is evil itself, and our attachment to it. My only other suggestion is that you pray vigorously and daily, attend daily mass if you can, and pray before the Blessed Sacrament often. The Holy Spirit can change your husband as well as you.

I will pray for you.

God Bless,

 

[defenderoftruth]

OK: I have heard a lot about “enabling” in reference to my h in the past 2 years. People have told me even that by letting him live here, in his home, that is enabling him…Huh?

Could someone please tell what enabling behaviors on my part would look like given my situation??? I really don’t know what that would be.Telling him “sure honey, I don’t mind if you continue going to strip joints”…this would be enabling…but what else? What specific things would be enabling him? (The last thing I want to do)…but then again I don’t want to punish him either. That is not my job, that is God’s job.

Enabling Corinne would be giving in to him moving home with very little effort if any on his part.

Look the best example I could give is a guy that beats his wife. He apologizes says he won’t do it again after a week or month or some months away so she lets him move back and then he beats her again. Unless she puts some real boundaries and MAKES him go to counseling for his anger (while they are separated to prove he’s serious and not just doing it because he “has to” to live there) she’s just enabling him to keep abusing her. Kind of like letting Mark move back home after he says “I miss you and I’ve called it off” with no real proof he has. You yourself have said he doesn’t act interested in bible study, or counseling and gets testy if you dare find out about his secret phone calls and confront him. I’m only going on what you are telling us.

Floresco,
He doesn’t sound to me or the Pastor of the bible study that he’s really repentant and done with his cheating ways… Just because you were sorry for your infidelity doesn’t mean Mark is or that Corinne should give into him moving home. I realize you were on the other side of the issue, you sound like your letting it cloud your advice. You were sorry but from what Corinne says Mark doesn’t sound that way yet.

DoT

 

[floresco]

Floresco,
He doesn’t sound to me or the Pastor of the bible study that he’s really repentant and done with his cheating ways… Just because you were sorry for your infidelity doesn’t mean Mark is or that Corinne should give into him moving home. I realize you were on the other side of the issue, you sound like your letting it cloud your advice. You were sorry but from what Corinne says Mark doesn’t sound that way yet.

He managed to go two months with leaving that woman alone and then made one phone call which he immediately realized was wrong and hung up after a minute. This could be someone who is honestly trying to change and slipping up. Sexual sins are very powerful and hard to fight. Even a person who is genuinely trying to change could still make mistakes.

I’m actually giving very little advice. Mainly I’m giving possibilities to think about. And of course my posts are affected by where I am coming from, but so are everybody else’s. Pretty much all of the “kick him out and make him grovel” advice is coming from women, many of whom have some kind of personal experience that could be colouring their views.

I don’t think all these people who have never met Mark should be telling her that he is not sorry. None of us know if he is sorry or not.

 

[defenderoftruth]

Floresco,

I told her if he shows in bible study and counseling that he’s not interested to kick him out which is sound advice. I never said “make him grovel” he does however need to show real interest in his marriage and making amends with his wife not beg, whine, sweet talk whatever. BTW, the Pastor of the bible study said in his opinion Mark isn’t ready with that and Corinne’s own observations I think speaks pretty clearly.

I’m not trying to attack you, and I appreciate you being honest about your advice. He was home for two months, called the whore once was on the phone a minute, but he also flipped out on his wife said he hated her for “snooping” on him as though she has no grounds to not trust him. Sorry but that speaks loudly too.

He’s put his wife and children through hell (sorry for the use of he word but it fits) and needs to make things right FOR GOOD not a trial session like before. With his responses to her, and his behavior witnessed by a Pastor I would say she needs to feel him out better not just wait “till something” happens giving him the benefit of the doubt he hasn’t earned that sorry.

DoT

 

[floresco]

Floresco,

I told her if he shows in bible study and counseling that he’s not interested to kick him out which is sound advice. I never said “make him grovel” he does however need to show real interest in his marriage and making amends with his wife not beg, whine, sweet talk whatever. BTW, the Pastor of the bible study said in his opinion Mark isn’t ready with that and Corinne’s own observations I think speaks pretty clearly.

But he is going to the counselling and Bible study. Maybe he isn’t participating whole-heartedly yet, but he is going. He is making some effort.

I am concerned because I can imagine myself in Mark’s place feeling that, no matter what I do, it is never good enough and that Corinne is never going to forgive me. And I would be tempted to just give up if I felt that way.

 

[Ailina]

But he is going to the counselling and Bible study. Maybe he isn’t participating whole-heartedly yet, but he is going. He is making some effort.

I am concerned because I can imagine myself in Mark’s place feeling that, no matter what I do, it is never good enough and that Corinne is never going to forgive me. And I would be tempted to just give up if I felt that way.

He keeps breaking her trust, by doing things like phoning the stripper/other woman. How is that helping the marriage? It isn’t. He is breaking her trust and has to earn it back. That requires work and time.

 

[tbcrawford]

Hi Corinne i think of you often.I wonder sometimes how you cope with all this emotional stress
it must be making you ill and worn down.My heart really breaks for you,you deserve none of this.

We are all responsible for our own behaviour in life.So your h is entirely responsible for his own behaviour as are we all are individually.I admire and respect you so much for your loyalty and ability to strive so hard to make your marriage work.Please know I am praying for you and no matter what happens you are wonderful.God bless

HOLY PATRONESS
Of those in need, St. Rita,
So humble, pure and patient,
Whose pleadings with your Divine Spouse
Are irresistible,
Obtain for me
From your Crucified Jesus
The request I make of you.

(FOR CORINNE we pray that her husband
will open his heart and change his unfaithful
ways and treat her well)

Be propitious towards me
For the greater glory of God,
And I promise to honor you
And to sing your praise forever.

O glorious St. Rita,
Who miraculously participated
In the sorrowful Passion
Of Our Lord Jesus Christ,
Obtain for me
The grace to suffer with resignation
The troubles of this life,
And protect me in all my needs.

Amen.

Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be (3 times)

 

[e3342]

Thank you ALL so very much! I feel so much better, getting some specifics from you all, fellow Catholics.

Floresco: You haven’t understood my situation at all. Can you read this thread from the beginning? If you want to of course! I thank you for your advice, but my h and I have always been intimate, and had a great sex life. I am just saying now, after all the attempts to trust him again, and him proving himself untrustworthy still, I need to protect myself emotionally, until he shows me he is wanting to rebuild trust. This is how I feel. I just cannot be intimate with him right now. I am too angry and hurt. And marriage should be mutual love, and trust. Finding out 2 weeks ago, he still called the stripper…well, sorry I just cannot be intimate with him right now considering this. It will take a while. All the other times, when he betrayed me, contacting this woman, I still was intimate with him, trying to put on the “hot” even more so, buying sexy lingerie, perfume, etc., even more than I usually wear… It didn’t matter, he still retreated to this stripper, and I was left feeling empty, used, emotionally vulnerable, weak and like an idiot. I now have learned I have to protect myself emotionally. This is the only way I can heal, become stronger, and unite myself in prayer for our family, and for my husband. I am confident he did not have intercourse with her, but nude lap dances, fondling, endless calls and texts, is quite enough “adultery” for me. So, no I don’t worry about SDT’s. This is not an issue.

You might still consider getting checked for STD’s. The strip bar my husband went to, when I went to their website forum, guys were writing in about the BJ’s they were getting there plus more for the money.

 

[floresco]

He keeps breaking her trust, by doing things like phoning the stripper/other woman. How is that helping the marriage? It isn’t. He is breaking her trust and has to earn it back. That requires work and time.

Mark is not getting any credit for the things he does right and is condemned for the things he does wrong. The focus here is always negative. Corinne started this thread talking about how much she loved him and wanted to save their marriage. As the thread progresses she seems to be hardening her heart against him in response to all the negative comments about him.

I think that most people who read about this situation identify with Corinne and imagine themselves in her place. They are reflecting back her feelings of betrayal, hurt and anger. The good side of this is Corinne knows that many people are entering into her feelings and offering her care and concern. It is also good because it shows her that her feelings are normal and justifiable. The bad side is that it encourages her to hold on to these feelings.

Corinne needs to get past the hurt and anger so she can make decisions based on what is right rather than her feelings. The right thing to do is that which will bring Mark closer to God and help Mark to fight his sin. I don’t know exactly what that will be in her situation, but I do know that it will be harder for her to discern if she is caught in hurt and anger.

While I am, of course, very concerned for Corinne, I am imagining myself in Mark’s place. From what we have been told, at some level Mark recognizes that he is doing something wrong and hurting his family and he wants to stop. (He has said this.) But it is a struggle for him. It is extremely difficult to stop this kind of behaviour. As you say, it is going to require work and time. He also needs encouragement.

He needs to hear that Corinne appreciates that he is going to counselling and the Bible study, not just criticisms that he is isn’t participating in them enough. He needs some acknowledgement for not crossing the line to actual sex with the stripper. If all he hears is about is what he does wrong, it becomes that much more difficult for him to do what is right. He probably felt like calling that other woman every day. If he only did it once during two months, that means he failed against temptation on one day and succeeded on 59. This is progress.

It will take some time for Mark to regain Corinne’s trust, but he should not have to earn her love. As Christians, our model for love is God who loves unconditionally.

 

[Corinne3]

Enabling Corinne would be giving in to him moving home with very little effort if any on his part.

FYI, he is already home…as I mentioned as of 2 months ago.

Perhaps I did the wrong thing in letting him move home the first time, until he really changed his ways. But I did. Can’t change the past, anyway can we? only move forward from here.

It is slightly different in my case, because I really have no proof he’s changed, unlike the drunk who you know when he hasn’t been drinking…with infidelity, you really have no proof, you just have to go by your instinct, your intuition, your overall general feeling of trustworthiness, how repentent and kind they seem, and what they are willing to DO to make it up.

I do think, just him going to the Bible Study is a good thing. My counselor told me this too. Being there, he is hearing the word, and the seeds, however small are being planted. Some seeds fall on rocky soil, some die after they fall, like it says in Scripture.

So…at this point, just doing what I feel is best.

If I have any more concrete evidence of further contact with this person, I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

Thanks for all the well wishes, prayers, etc.

 

[Ailina]

Mark is not getting any credit for the things he does right and is condemned for the things he does wrong. The focus here is always negative. Corinne started this thread talking about how much she loved him and wanted to save their marriage. As the thread progresses she seems to be hardening her heart against him in response to all the negative comments about him.

I think that most people who read about this situation identify with Corinne and imagine themselves in her place. They are reflecting back her feelings of betrayal, hurt and anger. The good side of this is Corinne knows that many people are entering into her feelings and offering her care and concern. It is also good because it shows her that her feelings are normal and justifiable. The bad side is that it encourages her to hold on to these feelings.

Corinne needs to get past the hurt and anger so she can make decisions based on what is right rather than her feelings. The right thing to do is that which will bring Mark closer to God and help Mark to fight his sin. I don’t know exactly what that will be in her situation, but I do know that it will be harder for her to discern if she is caught in hurt and anger.

While I am, of course, very concerned for Corinne, I am imagining myself in Mark’s place. From what we have been told, at some level Mark recognizes that he is doing something wrong and hurting his family and he wants to stop. (He has said this.) But it is a struggle for him. It is extremely difficult to stop this kind of behaviour. As you say, it is going to require work and time. He also needs encouragement.

He needs to hear that Corinne appreciates that he is going to counselling and the Bible study, not just criticisms that he is isn’t participating in them enough. He needs some acknowledgement for not crossing the line to actual sex with the stripper. If all he hears is about is what he does wrong, it becomes that much more difficult for him to do what is right. He probably felt like calling that other woman every day. If he only did it once during two months, that means he failed against temptation on one day and succeeded on 59. This is progress.

It will take some time for Mark to regain Corinne’s trust, but he should not have to earn her love. As Christians, our model for love is God who loves unconditionally.

I disagree that he hasn’t crossed the line already. He has, by sneaking around behind Corinne’s back whenever he thinks she doesn’t notice. Lap dances are all about sex; just because it isn’t intercourse, doesn’t mean sex didn’t take place. Otherwise, sins such as masturbation wouldn’t be sexual sins, would they?

He continually breaks her trust, by his own will, not hers. She is justified in her anger and anguish, in this case. It can strengthen the resolve of people who are no longer willing to tolerate an intolerable situation. I know that anger helped me; otherwise, I would likely have ended up in the psych ward in the hospital.

The ball is in his court; she has told him what needs to be done to earn her trust. They are reasonable demands: stop contact with the stripper, stop lying. If he keeps sneaking around and lying, then he is making the choice to continue to break the marriage and break her trust. How much more pain can she be expected to take? Sometimes you have to make a line in the sand and stick to it.

 

[qui_est_ce]

He continually breaks her trust, by his own will, not hers. She is justified in her anger and anguish, in this case. It can strengthen the resolve of people who are no longer willing to tolerate an intolerable situation. I know that anger helped me; otherwise, I would likely have ended up in the psych ward in the hospital.

The ball is in his court; she has told him what needs to be done to earn her trust. They are reasonable demands: stop contact with the stripper, stop lying. If he keeps sneaking around and lying, then he is making the choice to continue to break the marriage and break her trust. How much more pain can she be expected to take? Sometimes you have to make a line in the sand and stick to it.

I also worry about the effect on the kids. What kind of role modeling is going on here? Will the kids live this in their adult lives and marriages because this is what they learned marriage is from their parents?

floresco:

Mark is not getting any credit for the things he does right and is condemned for the things he does wrong. The focus here is always negative. Corinne started this thread talking about how much she loved him and wanted to save their marriage. As the thread progresses she seems to be hardening her heart against him in response to all the negative comments about him.

Floresco, I really appreciate your posts here. At first I was inflamed by your seeming defense of Mark, and your asking Corinne to model herself after saints who lived in abusive marriages. I was inclined to write that off as past history. Times have changed, and women can work and live outside of marriage, something they couldn’t do 200 years ago.

But I am beginning to rethink my position. I don’t entirely agree with you that Corinne continue living this nightmare in the hope that Mark will change.

To give some perpective, I have been in the same situation as Corinne, although not the same issues. I left my ex. It took me two years of wrestling with myself, counseling, etc. Ex lied, lied, lied. Said he was going to counseling. They day he shoved my 5 year old daughter of of the way when she pleaded with him to stop screaming at me, was the day I KNEW I had to get those kids out of there. I lived in a city with no relatives, I was a SAHM, who hadn’t worked in 12 years. Every time I threatened to leave him over those two years, he would cry and beg me not to leave. I gave him conditions - go to counseling, see a priest. He would promise, pretend to go on his lunch hour. But never go. I always found out by accident, because I trusted him and didn’t check up on him. I still second guess myself at times. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And I’ve been through some tough times.

From what we know here on an internet, it seems to me that Mark should not be living in the house. He should be working on changing himself. Corinne can be supportive, but it doesn’t mean he should be living in the house. Sometimes a person has to hit bottom before they change. She can raise his bottom by telling him his behavior is unacceptable, and until he demonstrates he has changed, he is not to come home. One week of being good is not enough. Her counselor could advise her on what signs to look for.

As regarding Corinne hardening her heart due to comments here, I disagree. She is after all seeking counseling. Her heart is hardened because Mark continues to take advantage of her. If he is out of the house, she can work on forgiveness, and he can work on himself. As long as he is flaunting his digressions in front of her, nothing will change. She will just get more angry, and the kids are stuck in the middle.

The major focus should be what’s best for the kids. Having a dad who thinks lap dancing is ok, lies, has affairs, is not. Having a mother caught in hurt and anger is not.

My :twocents:

 

[floresco]

I disagree that he hasn’t crossed the line already. He has, by sneaking around behind Corinne’s back whenever he thinks she doesn’t notice. Lap dances are all about sex; just because it isn’t intercourse, doesn’t mean sex didn’t take place. Otherwise, sins such as masturbation wouldn’t be sexual sins, would they?

Of course, he has crossed the line to committing a grave sexual sin. I was talking about crossing a line to engage in sexual intercourse. I think it is significant that he did not go that far. Like Mark’s, my infidelity stopped short of that line. I was lying to myself to say that it was OK because I had not crossed that line. I told myself that it wasn’t adultery. One day, by the grace of God, I recognized the truth. I was committing adultery. I was disobeying God and betraying my spouse. I needed to turn away from my sin.

When people have to lie to themselves like that it is a sign that they know that adultery is wrong. It is different from a person who thinks “keeping marriage vows is for chumps”. The former has some grasp of morality to build on.

He continually breaks her trust, by his own will, not hers. She is justified in her anger and anguish, in this case. It can strengthen the resolve of people who are no longer willing to tolerate an intolerable situation. I know that anger helped me; otherwise, I would likely have ended up in the psych ward in the hospital.

Corinne wants to do what is right. She wrote asking about what is the right thing to do in her situation. She is not going to be able to recognize it, if her mind is clouded by anger. I think she would have been much better off if fewer angry wives had responded to her question. Encouraging her to be angry is not responding to what she asked for. She didn’t ask to have her resolve strengthened, but to do what is right.

Yes, her anger is justified. Her husband did a terrible thing. I know that I deserve to be punished eternally in hell for this sin and it is only because of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross that I have hope of any other outcome. But Corinne has said that she is not interested in punishing her husband.

The ball is in his court; she has told him what needs to be done to earn her trust. They are reasonable demands: stop contact with the stripper, stop lying. If he keeps sneaking around and lying, then he is making the choice to continue to break the marriage and break her trust. How much more pain can she be expected to take? Sometimes you have to make a line in the sand and stick to it.

Certainly Mark ought to stop contacting the stripper and he must not lie to her. But Corinne has more to think about than demanding that he earn her trust. If she wants to do the right thing, then she must think about his salvation. What can she do to encourage Mark to come closer to God? How can she help Mark to fight against the sin that entangles him? And if this means more pain for her, Jesus will be with her sharing that pain, holding her close.

 

[floresco]

From what we know here on an internet, it seems to me that Mark should not be living in the house.

From what we know here on the internet, it seems to me that we don’t know enough to be giving Corinne specific advice. We should be giving her principles that she can use to figure out what she wants to do. We should be giving her possibilities to consider. That has been the intent of my comments.

I have no idea if Mark should be living in the house and I hope that I have said nothing that sounds like I was telling Corinne that.