Hello. I am seeking some advice on marriage issues

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Dear Man on Fire:

That;s a good suggestion for sure, thank you, as i know men are little boys in grown up bodies. LOL:p and like to have fun. As do i, or i used to, before my deep depression once i discovered his activities. Trouble is my h and i have always had so much fun our whole marriage, as a family with lots of fun vacations and traveling, and just the two of us too, with exercising together when kids in school, even the entire past 2 years, since i discovered his affair. Then he’d go to the strip club still behind my back. 😦 I can recall being on a mt. bike ride, and he’d be in front of me, and i’d be crying while biking. What an idiot i was for even wanting to go anywhere with him then. If i had it to do over again, i wouldn’t want to spend one minute with him after i’d found out he was being unfaithful to me. :mad::mad: Tough Love, like in Dobson’s book, of the same title. Open the cage door and let them fly out.

i just wonder if our relationship at this point is even able to be restored, so much damage. 😦 As i mentioned we are embarking on marital counseling together end of this week…don’t know how it will be any different from all the other times. we’ll see. it’s our anniversary too this week, and i have no desire to go out and celebrate. Maybe one day. Continue to pray for our marriage. Sometimes there is just so much hurt and damage done, it’s impossible to get things back to normal. My oldest son said, “mom if you ever let dad move home again, I’m moving out”…what does this tell you? He’s seen how much his dad has hurt me, and all the devastation his behavior has caused, in and out of the home repeatedly for 2-3 years now. It just has to end. God is a God of healing and “restoring the years the locusts have eaten” however. And there sure has been YEARS eaten away for us.

Thank you though so much for writing. One of my male friends also told me, “fix a nice picnic for just the 2 of you and go out somewhere”…well, it’s just not that easy at this point…

I googled videos of “lap dances” just to see what they were. They are so utterly disgusting to think of my h doing this, paying for this, for years now. I don’t know how i can ever overcome this one. I need prayer for my healing on this image in my head. Counseling and the Blessed Trinity and Rosaries will help me.
Thank you.
 
Isn’t life crazy? It’s our goal to have loads of fun. Then, once we succeed in having much fun, we don’t want to quit having fun. :nope: Hopefully he’ll choose depth over shallow over-indulgence one day. In my anti-birth control paragraph, I wasn’t implying that people should have lots of kids to help stay together. We would have more appreciation for sex with NFP, in my humble opinion. I don’t know why he would want to go to a club and get all fired up, only to have no relief. Birth control and routine + fantasizing about pop culture media’s scantilly clad hotties = mens’ wandering eyes. I’m surprised women haven’t banded together to boycott pop culture’s promotion of imagery that is stealing mens’ attention away from their wives. These hip huggers and thongs would be an example. They distract us away from our true loves. People hype over it, go along with it, and act like we are adults who lack free will because the media keeps us laughing and entertained, so we permit them to destroy our family values. Then they have the nerve to promote prejudice against an entire group of people: conservatives. What a shameful hypocrisy. :nope::nope::nope:

Best of luck. 👍
 
Oh I agree Man on Fire. I wish you could be my husband;s friend. Today.
 
Believe me, if there is anything i can do to ban porn and stand for families i will do it and i have. Let me know if you find out anything more. Sadly though, no matter how much we try, as wives, or what we do, what we give our beloved husbandswhat to read, what seminars they attend,what books they read, what priests they talk to, etc, if they do not have a heart change, voila. Ce La Vie. They will never change. So now it is up to US women and what WE can live with and what we cannot.

For me friends, well, I have lived with the hurt of porn for 20 years, and then some. Then upon finding out about the strip clubs and the private stripper and all the lies and deceit, and more lies and deceit, and then more. My heart is about as broken as it can be, ever again. EVER. I do not trust my husband like I have for 22 years. He is a liar and deceiver and frankly i hate him, yet love him too. I have learned we can love and pray and even fast for a beloved, yet not let them in our lives again. I have learned this finally now after 3 years of misery. And I am finally getting OK with this, as soon as I obtain a job. I am an emotionally abused woman friends. Just like Nicole Simpson, only emotionally battered, which is sometimes even more difficult. My counselor told me I was being “emotionally battered” by my husband’s treatment of me, and now I am finally getting it. It’s taken me 2 years. Thank u all for shedding your light and advice on my situation. Help me to be strong and do and pray for God;s Will.
 
Your husband has a sex problem. This is what the Church calls “concupiscence”, he has a dis-ordered appetite for sex and left unchecked it will only get worse. It is important to note that sex works on a man’s brain like cocaine. He will crave more and more, and as he does he will seek more and more powerful stimulus. If he has a computer he may be into cyber-porn. Many of these images will linger in his mind forever. All of this stuff is a terrible distortion of the Truth. If you could bring him to the Truth of what the Church teaches on sexuality it blows away the “hollywood” version of sex. I would seek a good Catholic counselor as this problem can become overwhelming. This problem is not like he is messy or sloppy, he is in some stage of addiction. perhaps an e-mail to Dr. Ray Garrendi, I’m sure he would be glad to help. If you need me to, I will try to find Dr. Ray Link
 
Hi. I saw Dr. Ray G once or twice. That would be awesome to contact him. I’d be so happy if you found his link for me. Thanks so much.
 
Corinne3 said:
I’d really like to hear back from you re: what is the best thing i could do, to light a match under him to want to seek change for himself???moving away??? lol I know getting on with my life regardless, and letting go and letting God. That’s what i am doing. Finally. I know i cannot change another, only myself. Sure have learned a lot in 2 years~:eek:
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Corinne,

The BEST thing you can do is to pray! Don’t stop. Pray that whether your husband gets past this addiction or not, that you will know the best way to deal with him, as he is the father of your children. Watch the moving Fireproof, if you have not already seen it. Give it to your husband. Let him watch it. I know the acting in the movie is not great, but the movie has a great message. Ultimately, if you husband is going to change, it will be because HE decides to change. Find a good priest and get some spiritual direction without your husband there. Even if you husband has never had any physical/sexual relationship with the stripper, he has had a emotional affair. He has cheated on you. He has to know that.

Your husbands problem really has a grip on him. It is in many ways like a really bad drug addiction. Not only does he get sexually stimulated by what he sees, but it also spikes his adrenaline. He probably needs to get some therapy for sexual addiction. You can tell him that, if you want, but let him look into it. If he would check himself into a facility for that, he needs to be the one to do it.

I will continue to pray for you and your continued healing and the protection of you children, as well as for your husbands healing.
 
IF anyone is reading this now. Please HELP. I am ready to go into marriage counseling just now and I am so afraid, after 20 years of this and no use, I am so hesitant to go into it again. I am doing it solely for my kids and the next generation. That’s it. And I guess cuz I love my h, but he doesn’t love me. If he did, I feel, he would not be going to strippers. UGH
Thx for listening. Please pray for us in 2 1/2 hours.4 pm Pacific Time. Thank you
 
OK had our counseling session, with 2 very nice and wonderful Christian counselors. I essentially felt i cannot do this any more. been there done that. That i am through. They were asking us to write up a list of what my h can do to restore my trust, etc.,well, we’ve done this before, and nothing has ever changed, ever. He did the exercises, blah blah, then gone right back to his indecency. I have no trust left, none. Zero. At this point, i think my Mama Bear instinct is kicking in, wherein i need to protect my children. I need to get out and move forward, from an abusive unfaithful sex addict husband. Period. I have lost all trust in him and he is essentially doing and has done nothing to prove he is changing or even wants to. Yet still the same emotional abuse, etc. I need to move on, let go. I know my husband wants out of our marriage and doesn’t love me. He wants to be playing around, going to strippers, etc. OK fine then. He can. God gives him free will.

Being in marriage counseling today shed light on this for me, that there has been simply too much damage to move forward. I cannot ever trust him again. Ever. I am glad I found this out. It’s so sad yes, but my heart and the Lord tells me and I have peace about it for the first time in 2 years. I will always love him, yet I cannot continue with an unfaithful husband. Pray for me that I’ll be OK, find a job and move forward. Thanks all. I know my future will be ok, even at my age. For marriage means fidelity, and my hubby cannot provide this, therefore i had to tell him goodbye and i just did. it was hard, but i did it. And i feel peace for the first time in 2 years. With only the strength of God was i able to do it. Maybe I will be a nun. lol…I am so thankful for anyone reading this, for giving me strength to do what i had to. Thank you so very much, for being there and supporting me. I am so thankful i found this site.

Love,
Corinne~
 
Thank you Curl:

Yours and anyone’s prayers mean just so much to me.

Thank you thank you.

I have a prayer book, and I write all my prayer requests down so I can remember.

I have in this book, everyone here who is facing marriage issues, like I am. I think this is just so hard beyond belief. BUT, our God is a God of miracles. We all must believe this. I do.

God CAN and DOES do his work in US. HE will restore the years the locusts have eaten. I believe with my whole heart this, do you?

I think, in my case and marriage, God is working miracles. I hope to one day be a testimoney for what HE has done in our marriage. I desire this with all my heart. We’ll see. Thank you still for YOU, reading this, for YOUR prayers. Pray now for us, for our marriage, if you will.
 
I apologize for seemingly being back and forth about my feelings and my issues and my marriage. BUT:

I would like to know anyone’s suggestions for what to do/expect BEFORE I let my husband move home ((again)). As you know, he has retreated to his favorite stripper now for 2 years, and nothing has changed. He says he loves me, wants our family, does not want a divorce, as I don’t either, and we miss each other, and know being together is the right thing to do, for us, and for the sake of our kids.

What should I look for before he moves home again, the 5th time in 2 years? Please lead me in the right direction here. I am afraid as I don’t want to be hurt yet again. It’s been just too much for me to handle emotionally. I want my husband home, yet I want him 100% faithful too. What should I do or not do?😃 Thanks all.
 
Is he still seeing the stripper? - you write nothing has changed. It seems the 1st requirement is for him to stop that BEFORE he moves home and I don’t mean he stops on Monday night and moves home Tuesday. I’m assuming he’s already clear that he can’t go back to that or related behaviors. Perhaps you guys should have plans in place before he comes home to help him avoid temptations and to show you that he isn’t seeing her (or another one).

How did he contact her in the past and what can be done to prevent it - monitor or remove whatever they used to contact each other. Like, no strip clubs for him. Exchange daily schedules so you can check his location at unexpected times (calling a desk phone? driving by the office or sandwich shop at lunch? etc). I suggest you both exchange this info. The point isn’t to punish him, but help him avoid temptation and to help him regain your trust. Did he contact her online? You exchange passwords for all email/IM/phone, etc accounts and you check up on him. Maybe put a keylogger on the computer. Strippers don’t work for free - how can you guys track the money such that it will be clear to you that he isn’t spending it on strippers/online chats? What else might give you some comfort? Should he stay in counseling? Does he need some projects to focus on to keep him busy? What has he suggested - if he doesn’t have any desire to work on showing his trustworthiness, that might be a sign, too. These are things you might want to do for awhile before he moves home. To get family time and keep him busy, perhaps he can do some projects at the house (goodness knows we have plenty at our place), but for limited periods and no stay-over privileges.

You can’t control his actions (obviously), so if he isn’t doing his part, that’s on him and he shouldn’t get the reward of moving back in. If you agree on exchanging schedules and you have to beg/nag, I would consider that a fail on his part. And since he might not change (let’s face it, his history isn’t that great), you should be making sure you are ready for that. You do control you - what do you need to do to prepare? Do you need an attorney? Do you need some hobbies to help you relax? Do you need some counseling to help you through it?

Only a week ago you were sure your husband wanted out of the marriage. Are you sure he is willing to choose the marriage now? Is he sure? He has moved in and out of the house several times in the last two years. It doesn’t sound like he should move back until he has demonstrated his commitment for some period of time. I know you want a faithful husband, but that’s not under your control, it’s under his control and his alone. If he’s not willing to do these things, I strongly suggest you consider staying separated.
 
Dear Corrinne,
I have been following your posts and praying for you. I sympathize with what you’ve been going through as I went through a similar situation years ago, except mine was due to physical and emotional abuse. We separated, went to counselling together for several years, and then I learned that he was living with another woman during the counselling, so I went and found a lawyer the next day.My children were about 5 and 7 at the time.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but gradually I recovered and learned that no individual is the source of my happiness, only Jesus is that.
Many men do recover from sex and porn addiction, so there is hope for your situation, especially since you have a lot of faith. I’m glad that you’re choosing to give your husband another chance. Ask him how he can prove to you that he’s ready to come back. Give him some of the problem for a change. It’s his problem, not yours - you’re not doing anything wrong. Ask him to think about what he’s doing to his children.
I will never forget watching my youngest son, maybe 3 or 4 at the time, run up to a man in the park who resembled his father, crying, “Daddy, daddy!” but the man didn’t notice him and just kept walking. It broke my heart. Children need their fathers, if they can provide a good example.
I would recommend that, if and when he comes back, you ask him to pray with you every night – say the Rosary together. Our Lady is strong to help families.
God bless.
 
Dear Vicki:

Hello, and thank you for sharing your story with me. It means a lot. 😃

No, supposedly my h is NOT seeing or having any contact with the stripper any longer. He told me and told our counselors last week he “called it off permanently, that it is ruining his life and his family”. I hope I can believe him. He spent the weekend here, we made dinner, spent time with kids, and everything was very lovely. I love him and he loves me I know. I feel he wants to do what is right, I think he was totally going through a mid-life crisis lately.

I feel hopeful and positive. But in counseling, it was our wedding anniversary and I was feeling sooooooo angry, like “I’ve had it”. My feelings sometimes are like a yo-yo, am trying to become more stable. I feel too, much of this has much to do with my insecurity, from a lot of things in my past, childhood, etc. Vicki: thank you for reminding me no one can be the source of our fulfillment and happiness, only Jesus can.

I want him to be home, he does too, but am trying to figure out the best way. Will discuss it in counseling this week, as to when is best/and what needs to be in place first. I very much feel, I’d like him to be in some sort of a men’s bible study prayer group, so he can be with other Christian/Catholic men for accountability and support, so he won’t “fall” again. This I would love.

Anyway, thanks so much every one of you for standing with me in my life right now. I am hopeful, our marriage can be restored, after years eaten away by the locusts.🙂 And I plan on writing a book if this happens.

God Bless
 
🙂

Dear Kage Are:

Thank you for the link for the counseling. I appreciate it a lot, and everything anyone has to say to me. I am so grateful for everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut. My husband and I have found some awesome counselors however, that are helping us so much. His individual counselor and my individual counselor, the 4 of us, amazingly have managed to get together for our 2nd session yesterday, the 4 of us and it was wonderful. My husband now is in the process of moving home, which I am feeling so happy about. Granted there are some concerns, trust issues, but of course this will take time. I really do feel in my heart that my husband has reached a different place, and he wants to make our marriage work, without his extra-cirricular activities. That he has called it off and wants to be a good husband and father. I sure hope so! If he retreats back I will be crushed.

Our Lord says HE will restore the years the locusts have eaten. I am counting on HIM to do this.

Thank you for your continued prayers for our marriage. I am so excited to have our family back together.
 
Corinne I have been following your story and I just wanted to say I hope and pray everything works out well with you & your husband.I pray the counselling works and the trust can build again.He is a very lucky husband to have you.May God bless you.
 
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