Help! I don't like my husband.

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Trista

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I’ve never verbalized this aloud or in writing to anyone. Please help me out. I don’t love or even like my husband but want to very badly. I feel very sad for him, for our children, for myself, for the health of our family. I pray and pray but feel nothing.

I really need some help and prayers.
 
You don’t say why…

Why don’t you love or like him?

How does he feel about you?

How long have you been married? How long were you together before marriage?

What stress is upon the marriage that might be influencing your feelings for him? (Financial crisis, job loss, faith differences, child’s health, etc)

How do the two of you treat each other?
 
Trista if you come back, please a little more backround and maybe we can help you. I’ll say a prayer in the meantime. How old are the kids? how long married? I not trying to pry but need a bit more. Is he mean to you or indifferent? God Bless You. Kay
 
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Trista:
I’ve never verbalized this aloud or in writing to anyone. Please help me out. I don’t love or even like my husband but want to very badly. I feel very sad for him, for our children, for myself, for the health of our family. I pray and pray but feel nothing.

I really need some help and prayers.
Unless there is more here than your feelings alone, then I’d say don’t worry about it. All spouses go through times when they don’t like or love each other. There can be many reasons for feeling this way, reasons you may not be aware of yourself. If this persists, though you should sit down with your husband and tell him you think you and he need to get some counseling or go on a marriage retreat or some such activity to reconnect with one another. If a husband and wife drift apart due to the daily grind, it’s because they haven’t taken the time to thank each other or acknowledge each other’s accomplishments, great and small or let go of minor resentments. Have a talk with your priest or other person of good sense you can trust, if you need face to face advise. I will remember you in my prayers today. God bless.
 
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Trista:
I’ve never verbalized this aloud or in writing to anyone. Please help me out. I don’t love or even like my husband but want to very badly. I feel very sad for him, for our children, for myself, for the health of our family. I pray and pray but feel nothing.

I really need some help and prayers.
Well, let me add my prayers to your’s as there is strength in numbers.
 
Your not exactly called to like him or feel like you love him, but you need to love him. It sounds like you needs some prayers to get through this time, so I for once will pray for you, and I hope everyone who reads this says a quick prayer for you right now too.

I cannot say much more about any suggetions, since I don’t want to presume. I’d say go to a priest if you can.

Remember sometimes it is like we are a child who gets scared when they cannot see their parent. But know that even more than you’d be there for your own child, God will always be there for you. He can be hard to see, but he is there. And something tells me, he lead you here, where people are who’d never even know you, hoping and praying and caring for you. We can feel your sorrow, as I’m sure most of us has felt the same, though maybe not the same situation.

God Bless, the Holy Spirit is doing good work in you, keep searching and following.
 
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Trista:
I’ve never verbalized this aloud or in writing to anyone. Please help me out. I don’t love or even like my husband but want to very badly. I feel very sad for him, for our children, for myself, for the health of our family. I pray and pray but feel nothing.

I really need some help and prayers.
Hello to Trista!

Friend, I do know how you feel. I’ve come to the same belief. I don’t even like or respect my H either. This has been most hard too. I fell in love with him 19 years ago, I was young, and stupid. Since then, I have come to discover, he is a porn addict, tied to his momma’s apron strings, an awful provider, disciplinarian, provider for our family, and to be honest, a man I never would have chose had I been in my right mind. But I did. I do know God has a purpose for IT, for my family,and that there is a lesson to be learned here, not just for me, but for you too, friend. That WE chose before God and many witnesses, that we would love and honor our husbands, and that we must.

Trista, I pray you might come to know this today, and that our Catholic Church might give You some hope like it has to me. Don’t ever forget, God has a plan for you.🙂
 
Della offers some good general advice. Maybe try a marriage encounter or Retrovaille if you think either will help.
 
Just writing down your thoughts and feelings is a good place to start. God bless you and your precious family.
 
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Trista:
I’ve never verbalized this aloud or in writing to anyone. Please help me out. I don’t love or even like my husband but want to very badly. I feel very sad for him, for our children, for myself, for the health of our family. I pray and pray but feel nothing.

I really need some help and prayers.
Hi Trista: I hear you. I feel the same. I don’t think it is our job as a wife or mom to concern ourselves with this. However, it is our job to be faithful to the promises we made years ago to love and honor our husbands. This we must all do, or try to do anyway. “In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse”. Too many just give up today and they think their reasons for doing so are justified. Pray today the Lord might show YOU how to do this, how and what you must do to “stick with it”. I have had to pray the same, believe me. My H has hurt and disappointed me endlessly. BUT, I know I must continue and be faithful to my Lord, the one who created marriage. Despite what wordly people, even those on this forum have said to me, i.e., how I deserve better, how I must not stand for abuse any longer, how I should leave", etc., etc. I say differently friend. You can make it despite what the world tells you. Have courage. be strong. KNOW, God does have a plan for your marriage and your family. Know I am with you on this one anyway.

Luv,
Sparkle
Jeremiah 29:11
 
Stephen Covey (not a Catholic, but still a good guide) says that “Love, the feeling, is the fruit of love, the verb.” In other words, you have to do the work of love before you will be rewarded with the emotion of love. That probably sounds pretty trite when you’re in the middle of so much turmoil, but I hope that you will at least keep it in mind as you work through the suggestions of the other posters.
 
The OP reminds me of a situation that happened in my parish years ago.
There was a husband and wife and 5 beautiful children. I could not tell which the children looked more like…him or her. The husband and wife went to church every Sunday with their children. They both had their special little ways of contributing to the parish.
One day the wife upped and left the husband and children. She left a note on the table and that was that. She didn’t move too far away but naturally he kept the children and raised them on his own. He continued to bring them to church. He never remarried and lives alone today. Every time I see him I feel a sadness for him.
He is a bright man. I wonder if he thinks about and wonders what happened. His cross sure does seem heavy.

and then there was another family from my parish with a similar story except he left her and 4 beautiful children 😦 She moved away with her children but he remains with another wife. I feel :mad: when I see him especially when he the Eucharistic Minister.
 
My very basic advice in a nutshell: Fake it until you make it.

Actions DO count and make an empact on both of you. You cannot change your dh, but you can change you and how you react to him. You don’t say how long you’ve been married, but both of you have probably changed over the time. Every time you feel a negative feeling leading you to negative feelings against him - say a quick silent prayer and do the opposite. Keep a diary if you need to, both as an outlet for those painfull feelings and encouragement for being loving towards your dh.
 
**This is actually very common and even more common in couples retired or married over 20 years! They just get tired of the struggle and the kids are older or grown, so they decide they’re done with it all. Also no matter how it seems to the outside, you never know a marriage from the inside. Doesn’t matter, it’s still so very sad. **
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contemplative:
The OP reminds me of a situation that happened in my parish years ago.
There was a husband and wife and 5 beautiful children. I could not tell which the children looked more like…him or her. The husband and wife went to church every Sunday with their children. They both had their special little ways of contributing to the parish.
One day the wife upped and left the husband and children. She left a note on the table and that was that. She didn’t move too far away but naturally he kept the children and raised them on his own. He continued to bring them to church. He never remarried and lives alone today. Every time I see him I feel a sadness for him.
He is a bright man. I wonder if he thinks about and wonders what happened. His cross sure does seem heavy.

and then there was another family from my parish with a similar story except he left her and 4 beautiful children 😦 She moved away with her children but he remains with another wife. I feel :mad: when I see him especially when he the Eucharistic Minister.
 
Mot Juste:
Stephen Covey (not a Catholic, but still a good guide) says that “Love, the feeling, is the fruit of love, the verb.” In other words, you have to do the work of love before you will be rewarded with the emotion of love. That probably sounds pretty trite when you’re in the middle of so much turmoil, but I hope that you will at least keep it in mind as you work through the suggestions of the other posters.
Thank you Mot Juste. I think we all need to be reminded of this every day. That Love, later on, after the wows of passion wears off, is so much more than a feeling, that it IS an action. My old geezer hubby, with all I have suffered and been thru with him, regardless, is still a man that deserves my respect, and the love of his boys, and the love of our family. Even though I don’t feel like it most of the time, I force myself to make his favorite meals, make his favorite cake, wear the nightie he loves, put on the lotion he gave me, even though I don’t quite love it, :confused: but He does-----and try to love him despite. When I have this attitude, hey, our marriage really can be quite fun and good! --even exciting at times. For I love to massage his head and his beautiful hair, give him a back rub, watch him in his football games for dads, a real laugh, :confused: but all in all, I am proud he is my man, and one that I committed myself to 17 years ago. Sure, I don’t feel it most times, but hey—as you say, Love boils down to really being a choice we make, to love or not. Do we choose Love or not? Do we choose family togetherness or not? Divorce? Or staying together? ----Pain and life-long turmoil for our precious ones or not? It is up to us, isn’t it? Sure I might complain on here in the future of how miserable I am. Please hear me when I do, as I hear all of you, my married friends on here. It is understandable. Life is so hard, and our woes and frustrations real ones. But we must all know and support each other that God’s plan does overcome all of this life’s woes. We must all the same be faithful. PTL. Jeremiah 29:11.😃

And Trista --the OP–I do say to try to Love your H today. Find out what he loves and try, with God’s help to forget yourself and your needs, and meet His. You will be blessed for doing so.🙂
 
“Fake it until you make it” is good advice. I too have observed many Catholic families break up and wondered if they might have found more happiness if they had just persevered. I know too many people who divorced and destroyed a family (even when the “children” are adults) in the pursuit of that often unattainable secular goal of “personal happiness”. I know divorced Catholics who are now in their 70s who are alone and estranged from their adult children. Work on what you have and find the glimmers of hope, joy, and happiness in your life and marriage–then feed and nurture them.
 
Rob’s Wife said:
**This is actually very common and even more common in couples retired or married over 20 years! They just get tired of the struggle and the kids are older or grown, so they decide they’re done with it all. Also no matter how it seems to the outside, you never know a marriage from the inside. Doesn’t matter, it’s still so very sad. **

or married over 20 years…
yes, my husband and I see that too…very common all of sudden. It seems that as soon as the kids can barely crawl out of the nests and the parents fly the coop in seperate directions. It is as though they have been barely tolerating each other for all those years. You have got to wonder what kind of life the children had in a situation like that. I live a sheltered life here where I type right now but I do hear from my DH and relatives and friends how broken some lives are. When I was first married there were many young couples ( married barely a year ) calling it splitsville. And now I see a bunch doing the same thing after the kids have grown. It is as though they hung on just long enough to raise the kids.
Personally, I can’t imagine starting all over again. I would be like that poor sad husband I described in my other post here. Life carrys on for him but I sense something really big is missing in his life…his wife. Even though it has been 15 or so years I keep expecting to see her at his side sometime. They seemed so right together.
One good piece of advise my MIL and FIL gave all of their three sons.
Don’t ever even think of the ‘D’ word…Don’t even think it.
I believe this is good advice. I am planning their 50th anniversary celebration this spring. They will renew their vows at a Friday morning Mass. I have placed a deposit at a nice eating place for breakfast/brunch later. I am very excited about preparing the trimmings for their very special day…50 years :clapping: :love:
 
Dear Trista,
I know how you feel. i have been there myself. Especially when I am feeling most overwhelmed, like after the birth of a baby.

The book “A Love worth giving” by Max Lucado really helped me a lot. The basic premise of the book is looking at 1 Cor 13–you know “Love is patient, love is kind…”

Then replacing love with “Jesus”–Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind…"

Next, replace this with your name “Trista is patient, Trista is kind…etc.”

What this exercise does for me, is reminds me that love is not a feeling, but an action. It reminds me that even though I don’t necessarily feel like I love my husband, that I really do. It also helps to point out the areas where I am not so loving. This is just a brief overview of the book, but it may help.

God Bless you.
 
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