How do I get my son to stop hitting? He's turning 6

[hesso12]

1. 
   *]What is the ratio of children’s activities and sports in relation to church or faith-based activities? Do you make a habit of missing church for sports-related activities? What overall message does your family schedule give to your children concerning God’s priorities?
   *]Do you forgo tithing or short-change God financially so you can give your children the material things they want? Do you honor your teen’s material demands or give to God first?
   *]Do you value your role as mom or dad as your priority above your relationship with God? Do you omit time in His word and prayer because you’re “too busy” with kids activities or social events?
   *]Do you love your children more than your heavenly Father?
   
   It’s tempting to think being a parent is your highest priority. In truth, God wants to be first above all things or before any other relationship. He is jealous that we honor Him before our spouse or children.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

What do I do if he keeps trying to get out of his time out which he will and has always done.

You mentioned your husband sends him to his room. I’m assuming he stays there? Maybe time out can be in his room.

Just make sure nothing stimulating is in there (TV or video games)

The time out is to stop behavior and have him calm down.

Also, it is totally appropriate to tell your daughter that she should walk away and go to her room if she’s the target of his hitting. If he complains that she won’t play with him, tell him she doesn’t like when you hit her. It isn’t nice.

I tell my kids when they bicker, that if they keep it up, the child getting picked on will never ever invite them to thanksgiving dinner in the future. It changes the tone and they find it funny.

 

[Kelfa28]

What do I do if he keeps trying to get out of his time out which he will and has always done.

Put him back in and restart the clock and tell him why you are restarting the clock.

He is almost 6 and that is old enough to understand he is getting punished.

If my oldest takes it to the next level and refuses to obey (which she used to do when she was younger)…I take her into our spare bedroom which is sparse, no toys or distractions…I grab my laptop and park my back to the door and sit with her while she tantrums it out.

I stay calm and ignore her and surf the internet.

Eventually she does stop and will ask for a hug…which she gets immediately and we talk about why she is in that position and where we need to go from there.

Doing that a couple of times has taught her to try to control her emotions faster and calm down.

She knows what is expected of her and the difference between good and bad behavior. That had to be taught though and it took time.

I have only once or twice lost control of the situation and it wasn’t good for anyone involved.
I picked myself up…said I was sorry and we moved on.

You need to take your emotions out of it and be consistent with the punishment.

 

[Xantippe]

What do I do if he keeps trying to get out of his time out which he will and has always done.

I was thinking of saying something about that very issue myself. I was reading all this praise of timeouts and thinking, “You have to have a pretty good kid for timeouts to work.” I never had any luck with them with my oldest (the one with the Asperger’s diagnosis).

I’ve always had better luck with removal of privileges. But I don’t take away everything at once, because then what do you have to bargain with? Plus, with a volatile child, it can cause a blow-up and a loooong evening. So, I prefer a more calibrated approach–like no cartoons until there’s 15 minutes of good behavior. The nice thing is that little kids are not very patient, so even the smallest delay in getting a nice thing they want is very effective.

In general, I’m a big fan of quid pro quo. “Clean up the living room and then you can watch Star Trek with daddy.” “Have breakfast and get dressed and then you can go see the baby.”

Remember, no freebies! At least not when you are in the middle of a behavioral war zone. When things are going better, you can relax a bit.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I cannot afford an evaluation right now.

Oh, in the US they are provided often by the school district.

Would your insurance pay for a pediatric neurologist if your pediatrician referred one?

Or a neuro psychologist?

 

[Xantippe]

My son is six, and is definitely more prone to tantrums when he is tired. I know that if he has a tantrum, minutes or so later I’ll find him napping on the couch (or floor or carseat)

Poor little guy!

Another issue is illness.

With our oldest some of the most evil behavior we’ve ever had from her comes an hour or two before she starts having a measurable fever. She’s a big girl now (13), but to this day, whenever her behavior is particularly rotten, I immediately take her temperature. At least 25% of the time, she has a fever within a couple hours.

 

[Kelfa28]

Oh, in the US they are provided often by the school district.

Would your insurance pay for a pediatric neurologist if your pediatrician referred one?

Or a neuro psychologist?

US has early intervention for non-school age and consultation at schools for school age. It’s all free, or should be free.

There has to be a resource for aid in Canada. You guys have a national health care system.

The US doesn’t and I’ve never had to pay for any of the therapist appointments we made for my daughter.

 

[pianistclare]

I recommend a trip to the library for some John Rosemond books. The recommendations for problem solving in his newspaper columns are practical and apparently produce lasting results. Some would probably consider him a grouch, but he’s also very wise. He’s Protestant, not Catholic, but I think you could trust his advice. I believe you may be able to write to him for personal advice as well.

I had almost for about John Rosemond. YES. His books are fantastic.

 

[Serap]

Put him back in and restart the clock and tell him why you are restarting the clock.

He is almost 6 and that is old enough to understand he is getting punished.

If my oldest takes it to the next level and refuses to obey (which she used to do when she was younger)…I take her into our spare bedroom which is sparse, no toys or distractions…I grab my laptop and park my back to the door and sit with her while she tantrums it out.

I stay calm and ignore her and surf the internet.

Eventually she does stop and will ask for a hug…which she gets immediately and we talk about why she is in that position and where we need to go from there.

Doing that a couple of times has taught her to try to control her emotions faster and calm down.

She knows what is expected of her and the difference between good and bad behavior. That had to be taught though and it took time.

I have only once or twice lost control of the situation and it wasn’t good for anyone involved.
I picked myself up…said I was sorry and we moved on.

You need to take your emotions out of it and be consistent with the punishment.

Thanks. This is what I’m kinda thinking too. That when he sees I mean business about the hitting, he will eventually stop I hope.

Time outs are getting a bad rep from child psychologists, but in the moment that he is angry, I have to take the attention away. Child psychologists are saying now that time out does not help a child learn how to deal with anger…they just bottle it up.

This is why I’m so confused about time outs. I’ve been reading that they are innefective. So what am I supposed to do if all of my tools are taken away???

He hates time out, but I hate being hit

 

[Xantippe]

Our oldest will only throw tantrums if she is hungry, needs to use the bathroom or is frustrated because we can’t understand what she is trying to say.

If she is losing control, the very first thing I do is get her on the toilet. She’ll resist but if that is the problem, something will dawn on her and she’ll use it and calm down immediately. If that isn’t the issue I’ll give her some water or ask if she wants her favorite snack.
If that isn’t the issue then I go to a time out and try to get her to calm down. She sits on the stairs for 3 minutes and I’m in the room…I ignore her but stay in the room. When the 3 minutes is up she comes off and we try to figure out why she is upset.

It’s still a challenge because of her speech delay. She is light years ahead from when we first recognized the problem but we still have trouble figuring her speech out because she talks too fast and mashes whole sentences together into one or two words…which you just can’t understand.

I’m sorry, but hitting a poor child who is hungry, needs to pee or has a speech problem she didn’t ask for and can’t fix on her own is just cruel.

It only takes one person to turn this into a spanking debate. Sorry that this happened OP.

Yeah, it’s very helpful to develop a sort of mental kid-troubleshooting checklist:

–bathroom?
–thirsty?
–hungry?
–tired?
–sick?

 

[Xantippe]

1. 
   *]What is the ratio of children’s activities and sports in relation to church or faith-based activities? Do you make a habit of missing church for sports-related activities? What overall message does your family schedule give to your children concerning God’s priorities?
   *]Do you forgo tithing or short-change God financially so you can give your children the material things they want? Do you honor your teen’s material demands or give to God first?
   *]Do you value your role as mom or dad as your priority above your relationship with God? Do you omit time in His word and prayer because you’re “too busy” with kids activities or social events?
   *]Do you love your children more than your heavenly Father?
   
   It’s tempting to think being a parent is your highest priority. In truth, God wants to be first above all things or before any other relationship. He is jealous that we honor Him before our spouse or children.

1. 
   If you’re going to cut and paste random stuff from the internet, do us the courtesy of giving a link:
   
   nicoleodell.com/2015/04/10-ways-you-may-value-your-teens-more-than-god/
   
   Also, claiming other people’s writing as your own is called “plagiarism.” Don’t do it. It’s stealing other people’s work.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

US has early intervention for non-school age and consultation at schools for school age. It’s all free, or should be free.

There has to be a resource for aid in Canada. You guys have a national health care system.

The US doesn’t and I’ve never had to pay for any of the therapist appointments we made for my daughter.

My two youngest had early intervention. All I needed was a script I think. The evaluations were always at home, and they sent the therapists to our home.

My littlest was a preemie, and he had periodic evaluations from birth.

All of it was covered through early intervention

My oldest has a brain injury, so his scenario was different. He did go through insurance for his evaluations and therapies. But that was because they were medical based. He has an IEP now through our school district.

 

[Serap]

I had almost for about John Rosemond. YES. His books are fantastic.

Thank you!

I just read an article of his and he suggested a cooling down spot. As soon as my son hits, he can go to his cooling down spot.

I could even make it his room and tell him that he needs to “calm down in his room”.

All I know is that I cannot put up with being hit anymore. I’m on fight vs flight today and I feel very grumpy. I have to pull it together before I go home.

He really is a good boy and he needs to learn that hitting is never acceptable.

 

[CradleJourney]

When my son is frustrated, he tries to get through it, but when he can’t, he hits me or hits his sister. He doesn’t have a problem hitting at school, but he hits me and his sister at home.

Every time I see him getting upset and he doesn’t use violence, he gets a point. If he hits me or his sister, he loses a point. He gets a small toy car for each point he earns each day. He loves this reward system.

He gets very angry with me if he loses a point. Most times, he hits me. I hold his hands and tell him to stop hitting me. I keep reading that time outs are ineffective and that I should stay with him, but it’s not working. He gets more aggressive and hits me harder. It seems like my attention to him is feeding the fire.

I eventually just lose my patience after about 30 minutes and I just lose it. I begin to punch my pillow and I scream into it. He laughs at me and says, “Poopie mommy.”

I’m feeling empty and drained. How do I effectively discipline him? Are time outs necessary during this time? I don’t want to be hit anymore…I can’t take it emotionally.

This is simply not working for us. He’s turning 6 in December.

JMHO - worth only what you paid for it:

Quit letting him control the situation and quit rewarding him. State the fact - Hitting is not allowed. Create the consequence - when/if he hits he goes into his room and can’t come out for 5 min.

He hits. You put him (physically) in his room. Shut the door. Set the timer.

Either a) he will lose it and try to come out. Hold door shut. Do not talk, do not engage, do not bargain. Simply keep door shut. If he creates chaos in his room (breaks things/etc), do not intervene unless he is risking harm to self. Do not replace broken items until/unless he earns money to pay at least part of replacement cost. End time out at it’s end time no matter what he says/does. The time out was for hitting - do not reduce it for “I’m sorry.” Do not increase it for “I hate you!”. Keep it simple. Let him use all the words he wants - which is what you want him to do instead of hitting anyway.

Or b) he will “enjoy” his time out. He’ll act like it was a great idea and it didn’t bother him a bit. In that case, continue as above. He hits - he gets the 5 min time out. Doesn’t matter if he plays, sings, takes a nap. What you are teaching him is that if “X” occurs then “Y” follows. Sooner or later he’s going to get tired of being put in his room because it shows you have the power and will revert to behavior described in “a” or else will just get tired of the whole thing and quit hitting.

The key is to have a consequence that’s automatic and NOT to feed into his behavior at all with words/attention/negotiation/rewards/etc. There is no discussion. You are boss. He is child. He does “x” - you respond with “y” - and by not engaging you let him know this really isn’t that big an issue on your radar - that YOU are in control of the situation of both of you (and this will tend to greatly calm him down).

If he does actual self harm during confinement - then I’d consider professional advice.

Good luck!

CJ

 

[Serap]

I was thinking of saying something about that very issue myself. I was reading all this praise of timeouts and thinking, “You have to have a pretty good kid for timeouts to work.” I never had any luck with them with my oldest (the one with the Asperger’s diagnosis).

I’ve always had better luck with removal of privileges. But I don’t take away everything at once, because then what do you have to bargain with? Plus, with a volatile child, it can cause a blow-up and a loooong evening. So, I prefer a more calibrated approach–like no cartoons until there’s 15 minutes of good behavior. The nice thing is that little kids are not very patient, so even the smallest delay in getting a nice thing they want is very effective.

In general, I’m a big fan of quid pro quo. “Clean up the living room and then you can watch Star Trek with daddy.” “Have breakfast and get dressed and then you can go see the baby.”

Remember, no freebies! At least not when you are in the middle of a behavioral war zone. When things are going better, you can relax a bit.

Thanks. Maybe this is better. He completely freaks out when I tell him he’s lost a point and it lasts for a long long time…more than an hour.

 

[Serap]

Oh, in the US they are provided often by the school district.

Would your insurance pay for a pediatric neurologist if your pediatrician referred one?

Or a neuro psychologist?

we don’t have health insurance in Canada. the school doesn’t see any behaviour issues

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

we don’t have health insurance in Canada. the school doesn’t see any behaviour issues

I see. So if you need a specialist, that is out of pocket? Is it covered at all with a referral from a pediatrician?

 

[hesso12]

If you’re going to cut and paste random stuff from the internet, do us the courtesy of giving a link:

nicoleodell.com/2015/04/10-ways-you-may-value-your-teens-more-than-god/

Also, claiming other people’s writing as your own is called “plagiarism.” Don’t do it. It’s stealing other people’s work.

Did I claim that it was mine? No
Did I claim that these were my words When I talked about the bible NO.But you people did not recognise that part and then you acted as,if they were just my ideas about spanking but it wasn’t mine and when I asked you do you Agree with Gods word,you said nothing.

 

[Serap]

JMHO - worth only what you paid for it:

Quit letting him control the situation and quit rewarding him. State the fact - Hitting is not allowed. Create the consequence - when/if he hits he goes into his room and can’t come out for 5 min.

He hits. You put him (physically) in his room. Shut the door. Set the timer.

Either a) he will lose it and try to come out. Hold door shut. Do not talk, do not engage, do not bargain. Simply keep door shut. If he creates chaos in his room (breaks things/etc), do not intervene unless he is risking harm to self. Do not replace broken items until/unless he earns money to pay at least part of replacement cost. End time out at it’s end time no matter what he says/does. The time out was for hitting - do not reduce it for “I’m sorry.” Do not increase it for “I hate you!”. Keep it simple. Let him use all the words he wants - which is what you want him to do instead of hitting anyway.

Or b) he will “enjoy” his time out. He’ll act like it was a great idea and it didn’t bother him a bit. In that case, continue as above. He hits - he gets the 5 min time out. Doesn’t matter if he plays, sings, takes a nap. What you are teaching him is that if “X” occurs then “Y” follows. Sooner or later he’s going to get tired of being put in his room because it shows you have the power and will revert to behavior described in “a” or else will just get tired of the whole thing and quit hitting.

The key is to have a consequence that’s automatic and NOT to feed into his behavior at all with words/attention/negotiation/rewards/etc. There is no discussion. You are boss. He is child. He does “x” - you respond with “y” - and by not engaging you let him know this really isn’t that big an issue on your radar - that YOU are in control of the situation of both of you (and this will tend to greatly calm him down).

If he does actual self harm during confinement - then I’d consider professional advice.

Good luck!

CJ

Thank you! I think I can do this! I would have to hold the door shut bc I know he will try to come out. I thought holding the door shut defeated the whole purpose of a time out.

He will get tired of spending an entire evening in his room if he keeps hitting. His sister will feel more safe in her own home.

This positive parenting…stay with him…talk to him…is just not working. He is getting more violent and I’m getting more tired and empty. I don’t want to be hit anymore…period.

 

[Serap]

Did I claim that it was mine? No
Did I claim that these were my words When I talked about the bible NO.But you people did not recognise that part and then you acted as,if they were just my ideas about spanking but it wasn’t mine and when I asked you do you Agree with Gods word,you said nothing.

You are not contributing to this thread and I am not reading your responses.