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Serap
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no…we have to pay for all that stuff here.
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pensmama87
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With my 4 year old, I do more of a “cool down” than time out and that has worked well. It works as a cool down for me, too, because I do have a tendency to get emotional when he gets emotional (escalation.) But if I don’t escalate, it usually helps him avoid it, too, or at least calm down quicker. He knows that as soon as he calms down he is welcome to rejoin us provided he can behave himself.
I don’t give rewards for good behavior, but I do offer lots of praise and affection and attention, which I really think is his primary interest anyway. Remaining calm and dispassionate when he misbehaves has really been key - it doesn’t give him the attention he wants when he misbehaves, and he’s going to be removed from me and everybody else for it.
(And I hear you on the staying in time out thing. The way I did it was walking him back to his room [or carry him, if necessary] without saying a word. And yes, the first few times I had to do it A LOT, and it was exhausting. But he mostly gets it now.)
I have found that it’s the kind of thing I can do a lot younger, too. My two sons have very different personalities, but I suspect that my four year old would have been less challenging if I had been a bit stricter with him younger. I think I confused him because I wasn’t consistent in my responses to his behavior. I have been much more consistent with his younger brother and he “got the message” very quickly.
I don’t give rewards for good behavior, but I do offer lots of praise and affection and attention, which I really think is his primary interest anyway. Remaining calm and dispassionate when he misbehaves has really been key - it doesn’t give him the attention he wants when he misbehaves, and he’s going to be removed from me and everybody else for it.
(And I hear you on the staying in time out thing. The way I did it was walking him back to his room [or carry him, if necessary] without saying a word. And yes, the first few times I had to do it A LOT, and it was exhausting. But he mostly gets it now.)
I have found that it’s the kind of thing I can do a lot younger, too. My two sons have very different personalities, but I suspect that my four year old would have been less challenging if I had been a bit stricter with him younger. I think I confused him because I wasn’t consistent in my responses to his behavior. I have been much more consistent with his younger brother and he “got the message” very quickly.
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Kelfa28
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Personally, I think those psychologists don’t have to live with several kids under the age of kindergarden or preschool.Thanks. This is what I’m kinda thinking too. That when he sees I mean business about the hitting, he will eventually stop I hope.
Time outs are getting a bad rep from child psychologists, but in the moment that he is angry, I have to take the attention away. Child psychologists are saying now that time out does not help a child learn how to deal with anger…they just bottle it up.
This is why I’m so confused about time outs. I’ve been reading that they are innefective. So what am I supposed to do if all of my tools are taken away???
He hates time out, but I hate being hit
Time outs are effective…as long as you give the child a chance to understand why they were there and what is expected of them.
Also, if you give them a hug or a kiss after they have calmed down to help reinforce good behavior.
My oldest craves to be touched when she is having a tantrum. I don’t give it to her right away because I want her to try to calm down on her own.
When I can see she is trying…she does get a hug.
Just another suggestion…you don’t have to take it…but I don’t know if you allow TV in your house or if the show Daniel Tiger is too babyish for an almost 6 year old.
But they have an excellent way of speaking to children about different behaviors…they’ve created easy to understand songs and rhymes.
One is how to control yourself when you are frustrated. Obviously I can’t express the song but the rhyme goes:
“When you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four…one, two, three, four!”
My Preschooler loves to sing and can memorize songs quickly. She’ll go through her day singing some of these jingles and I’ll sing them with her…it definitely works for us.
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hesso12
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Very well,then I have shaken the dust off my feet,and see to it with your result’s or pray to GOD.
Mary_Gail_36
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pensmama87
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Daniel Tiger has been very good for getting my kids to understand the importance of cleaning up their toys. I use the little songs from those episodes ALL THE TIME.
It may be a little babyish for an almost six year old, but I do think having something clear and consistent can do wonders to stop the escalation in its tracks - maybe for both mom and kid. And if it’s a little silly and makes him giggle, then so much the better.
Mary_Gail_36
New member
My six year old still watches Daniel Tiger…
Or old Mister Rogers videos are great too. He had a really calming effect.
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nodito
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Serap, we do timeouts with my four year old. I have found a couple of things work well: 1) Being completely non-emotional and non-invested when the offense occurs, almost sorry for the kid, like “Oh! Too bad. You hit me. Now you have to go to time out. Bummer.” The other thing that I have found that works well with my son is to let him know ahead of time how long time out will be, but he gets a minute added if he’s not in the timeout chair when I start the timer. This let me avoid having to get physical with him and carry him to time-out, and helps me remain more unemotional. It also reduced my own temptation to smack the kid because sometimes he can be really frustrating and it’s better for me to not have to physically move or grip him.
I’ve had conversations with friends who don’t believe in using time-outs but one article I read from a Catholic psychologist really resonated with me. The argument against time-outs is sometimes that misbehaving children need to feel loved and included and not further ostracized from their parents. But as Catholics we know that when we sin, we separate ourselves from God, so it seems appropriate that when a child does x, y, or z, they might also experience a little separation or time-out from their earthly parents as a consequence.
Good luck.
I’ve had conversations with friends who don’t believe in using time-outs but one article I read from a Catholic psychologist really resonated with me. The argument against time-outs is sometimes that misbehaving children need to feel loved and included and not further ostracized from their parents. But as Catholics we know that when we sin, we separate ourselves from God, so it seems appropriate that when a child does x, y, or z, they might also experience a little separation or time-out from their earthly parents as a consequence.
Good luck.
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pensmama87
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Yes.
I make sure to emphasize with my 4 year old that it’s not about me being mean to him, but it’s that he made a choice to misbehave. He can also choose not to misbehave, even though sometimes it is hard to make the right choice because he’s frustrated. I am very, very clear on what my expectations are of him and I work really hard to be consistent about implementing them. I know that I don’t always succeed at that because I’m not perfect, but making the effort has been very good for both of us.
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Serap
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I’m going to have to give time out another chance
Time out only for hitting b/c giving consequences is already working fine with my kids.It’s the hitting that must stop. Hitting means going to his room to calm down and also allow me to calm down.
When he comes out, should we talk about it at all? Should we talk about better ways to handle our emotions, etc.? Or when he comes out, we act as though nothing happened?
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Serap
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Not only that, but in the real adult world, if you tantrum, no one wants to be around you either.
It’s like setting your child up to fail and be miserable as an adult.
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pensmama87
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I do a very quick conversation, maybe a minute total - I ask my son to identify why he got in trouble, he tells me, I ask him what he could do differently next time, and if he has trouble remembering I offer a couple suggestions. I hug him, and then he is required to apologize to me or whoever he hurt.I’m going to have to give time out another chance
It’s the hitting that must stop. Hitting means going to his room to calm down and also allow me to calm down.
When he comes out, should we talk about it at all? Should we talk about better ways to handle our emotions, etc.? Or when he comes out, we act as though nothing happened?
Some people don’t like requiring apologies, but IMO there are more pros than cons to it, so I do it. He doesn’t have to “feel sorry,” but he does have to recognize that regardless of how he feels his actions caused harm in some way.
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Serap
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I have a question.
Let’s say, he goes to his time out, but he opens up the door, but does not come out of the room.
Should I tell him that he must keep the door closed or should I allow him to open the door while he stays in his time out spot?
I’m thinking that maybe I should let him open the door if he needs to, so long as he stays in the room?
Thanks guys…awesome advice
Let’s say, he goes to his time out, but he opens up the door, but does not come out of the room.
Should I tell him that he must keep the door closed or should I allow him to open the door while he stays in his time out spot?
I’m thinking that maybe I should let him open the door if he needs to, so long as he stays in the room?
Thanks guys…awesome advice
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pensmama87
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I would say it depends on whether or not he does it defiantly, and how you want to handle defiance.
I typically ignore it because with my son, I know it’s an attempt to get a rise out of me, and Mama don’t play that game. If he slams the door, I may come tell him, “Oh, it sounds like you’re very angry. You must need some more calm down time.” But otherwise, I let him have what he thinks is his little rebellion and statement of “So there,” because I really don’t care about the door being closed. I care about him quitting his temper tantrum.
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Serap
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Excellent point. In other words…pick my battle.
I honestly don’t care if he opens the door if it makes him feel “so there!” as long as he stays in his room.
I was just wondering if opening the door defeated the purpose of a time out.
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Kelfa28
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It depends on what he is actually doing when he opens the door.
If he isn’t doing anything…or maybe just crying a little…then let him keep it open.
If he is doing it for attention and is being really disruptive then close it.
I can’t put my Preschooler into a room by herself with the door closed. She’ll become fearful and the tantrum will just escalate big time. We’ve tried that and it just makes everything much worse.
She craves attention…positive or negative and I’ve discovered that my girls are both naturally very physical children who seek love through being touched (hugged, cuddled, tickled)…so me being in the room with them both helps them come down from their tantrum.
It’s been a pain because I’m usually dragging everyone into the room (all three kids) and hanging out…but it’s much better then me leaving one of the kids alone.
Good luck…the advice here is really good. I’ve taken some pointers from this thread myself.
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Serap
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I should also point out to those of you who don’t know me. I have come from a childhood of severe abuse and neglect. It is for this reason that I find parenting such a challenge.
Wish I had a role model, but I guess most of us were spanked as kids anyway, so we’re all in this time out thing together
Wish I had a role model, but I guess most of us were spanked as kids anyway, so we’re all in this time out thing together
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Serap
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yes, the advice is really good! I’m very thankful.
I find that CAF users have such great insights…better than any other website I’ve gone to for advice.
I love my little boy soooooooo much. I am determined to help him without spanking.
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Kelfa28
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Hubby and I will step in and remind each other that some hills are just not worth dying on.
One we’ve discovered recently is to not expect an apology immediately after the time out is over.
It’s still expected but not as a condition to come out of time out. I was extending time outs because my daughter was saying No! to giving an apology.
If I let her out, gave her a hug and a minute to resort herself…an apology is then asked and she’ll always give it then.
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Serap
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Thanks for the tip!
I’ll let you guys know how it goes tonight. I may need you guys for the next few days
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