When my son is frustrated, he tries to get through it, but when he can’t, he hits me or hits his sister. He doesn’t have a problem hitting at school, but he hits me and his sister at home.
Every time I see him getting upset and he doesn’t use violence, he gets a point. If he hits me or his sister, he loses a point. He gets a small toy car for each point he earns each day. He loves this reward system.
He gets very angry with me if he loses a point. Most times, he hits me. I hold his hands and tell him to stop hitting me. I keep reading that time outs are ineffective and that I should stay with him, but it’s not working. He gets more aggressive and hits me harder. It seems like my attention to him is feeding the fire.
I eventually just lose my patience after about 30 minutes and I just lose it. I begin to punch my pillow and I scream into it. He laughs at me and says, “Poopie mommy.”
I’m feeling empty and drained. How do I effectively discipline him? Are time outs necessary during this time? I don’t want to be hit anymore…I can’t take it emotionally.
This is simply not working for us. He’s turning 6 in December.
Here is the deal, son. From now on, when you lose points, you lose two points. If you’re a
good sport, apologize for the offense, and try to make amends, you get a point back. (If he does a particularly good job of admitting he did wrong and turning himself around, I would occasionally give it ALL back, but don’t put that one in writing, LOL.)
If you are a bad sport, you lose your chance to be a good sport. If you hit me, that is two more points, and you don’t get to just apologize. When your next birthday comes, you will lose all your points any time you hit anybody. There will be no more hitting without consequences. Do you understand?
I would even up the points at the end of the day. If he’s in negative, there is an outcome for that. If he is in the black, there is an outcome for that. Then give him a hug and let him know that this is all to help him to become the fine young many you know he can be. Say the same thing, whether he is happy or sad or mad. Every day when he wakes up, let it be a new day.
He needs to work up to more points per car, too. I would eventually get off of the material reward system, except on rare occasions. When he gets buried in cars, he’s not going to care if he loses a point here or there. Then what are you going to do?
Here is the thing: you want to keep the reward system down to something you can do. You want to change it before it becomes entirely ineffective. You always want to have an additional penalty he can accrue. Don’t go directly to the worst it can get. Keep the penalty stiff enough that it is a deterrent and mild enough that you aren’t afraid to use it. Most of all, look to reward and punish according to what motivates him. Where his motivation won’t lead him to exercise self-mastery, then take him out of the situation to offend. Try to set him up for success.
The other thing, of course, is to help him to find ways to deal with his frustration. Also, talk to his teacher about what seems to motivate and frustrate him at school. You will be helped if you can get some insights into how his expectations change from school to home–what are the consequences, what are the costs, what are the trade-offs, how much energy devoted to self-mastery does he use up at school and then relax at home?
Teachers are great resource when it comes to how to handle these things. If you can sit in on your child’s class some time, by all means do it. My children went to a school that was both disciplined and kind, which is not a universal, but I learned a lot by watching how teachers handle playground disputes.
Once a parent spanks the child,he/she would immediately obey as they get older the child starts to develop the knowledge of respecting there parents.thats what we do in Pakistan and when the children are older they are still obedient to there parent’s by giving them honour.
I have seen plenty of children who grew up with spankings. Most would have obeyed their parents just out of a desire to please, without having been spanked at all. Those who learn that the one who hits the hardest makes the rules may refrain from hitting their parents, true, but that doesn’t mean they’ve learned not to hit. It means they’ve learned one place where hitting will not get them what they want.
Having said that, this child does not hit at school, so he’s learned a place where hitting doesn’t get him what he wants. He is capable of not hitting, and he is capable of learning not to do it when disciplined by someone who cannot and will not hit him. Therefore, it has been proven that this child can be kept from hitting without spanking him.
