How Do You Tell Someone You Are Dating That You Are Not A Virgin?

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joshvanrad

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I have been pursuing a girl for a couple months now and things have been going great. She is a great catholic girl who really loves her faith and I absolutely love that about her. We’ve grown closer and closer as things have progressed, but I’m a little worried about a conversation that has the potential for popping up soon.

Several years ago I had fallen far far away from my faith, and I cohabitated and had premarital sex for a couple years. Obviously, I’ve grown much closer to my faith and to God since then, but I cannot deny the stain it has left on my soul. The woman I am pursuing now is a virgin, and I really respect her for that, but how does one bring that part of my past to the light. She has not asked about it, and I have no intention of hiding it from her, but I just don’t know how to get it out in the open. Should I be the one to bring it up, should I wait for her to ask, or is this something I’ve been worrying too much about?

I know she cares about me so I have to imagine that hearing such a thing would be disheartening. I trust that she would be able to deal with it, but I feel badly that my mistakes would cause her some sort of emotional distress. I’ve been praying about it, but I haven’t quite heard any answers yet. I know God will provide, but it can’t hurt to seek advice from other devout Catholics.

Any advice for a reverted Catholic with a dark past?

Joshua C.
 
Wait until you’re fairly serious but definitely not engaged. It’s not the sort of thing you’d want to bring up in the getting-to-know-you stage, but it also isn’t a conversation you want to have a week before you plan on proposing. 😛 You should definitely bring it up; don’t wait for her to ask, as that could suggest that you wouldn’t have told her otherwise.

I presume that you’ve been tested for STDs.

Find a time when you can be alone together and not in a very public place (ie, a restaurant is a bad idea). Sit down and tell her that there’s something you think that it’s important that she should know, but that you find it hard to tell her. Then be brief but honest: “As you know, I haven’t always been a practicing Catholic. I am grateful every day that I’ve returned to the Church, not least of all because it has formed me into the man who you are dating. However, I think it is important to tell you in case it may be a deal-breaker for you that I had sex with a woman (or some women) before I returned to the Church. I regret this very much, and always will. Of course, I’ve gone to Confession about it. I have been tested for STDs and do not carry any. (If you do carry some, such as herpes, you will need to be brief but clear about what that entails, risks to any future spouse, etc.) If you can’t handle this, I understand, but I didn’t want things to get any more serious without your being aware of this situation.”

That’s pretty much it. If you had sex with more than one woman, do not go into any details about how many women, how often, the acts in question, what the women looked like, etc. She may ask, but it is almost certainly best that she not know; this information will only hurt her and will not help the situation at all.

Then sit back and allow her to react. She may say that she needs time to think; give it to her. She may need to talk about it later. She may say that this isn’t a problem and she’s glad you trusted her with this information. She may, indeed, find it to be a deal-breaker. We can’t predict how she’ll react.

Most importantly, pray before this discussion. If the two of you pray together, pray together before you start talking.
 
I have been tested. These things took place several years ago.

That was all very good information.

Thanks,
Joshua C.
 
joshvanrad said:
…, but I’m a little worried about a conversation that has the potential for popping up soon.

Several years ago I had fallen far far away from my faith, and I cohabitated and had premarital sex for a couple years…
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odd choice of words, but… I’d hide it. never ask about the past. its over.
 
I’d tell her everything. She won’t leave you, and if she does leave you over an absolved past, then either way you’ve lost nothing.

Easy to say. Hard to do. Good luck. 👍 I’m going to have to face the same conversation some day.
 
I have a similar story although I am probably younger than you, and I let my GF know I had a history and that she was a new start for me within the first two weeks of the relationship, which she was completely fine with and continues after 9 months to provide a chaste and healthy relationship.

For you, I’d say that you shouldn’t bring it up. Let her ask if she is concerned about it. If she has never questioned your past history before, she may not care. If she asks, just let her know that you were afraid of losing her and that she would judge you before she knew you if you had told her earlier.

Be very discreet with it though. General words, not numbers, and mention that it is painful for you to talk about it and that it shames you.
 
Fairwinds said:
odd choice of words, but… I’d hide it. never ask about the past. its over.
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I’m not sure I track what you’re saying. What was a strange choice of words, and why?
TK421 said:
I’d tell her everything. She won’t leave you, and if she does leave you over an absolved past, then either way you’ve lost nothing.

Easy said. Hard done. Good luck. 👍 I’m going to have to face the same conversation some day.
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I see you’re looking to possibly become Catholic. I will pray for your discernment.

… and thanks for the words of wisdom.

Joshua
 
UbiCaritas said:
That’s pretty much it. If you had sex with more than one woman, do not go into any details about how many women, how often, the acts in question, what the women looked like, etc. She may ask, but it is almost certainly best that she not know; this information will only hurt her and will not help the situation at all.
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I agree with everything else you have said in your post except the above.

I think it is important to be fully honest including giving a number of previous partners if asked. I favor full disclosure when we’re talking about possibly making a lifetime commitment.

I am not saying I think the OP should give details such as appearance of the woman or women or that intimate details of the sexual encounters should be given. That kind of detail can haunt a woman and cause feelings of jealousy and maybe even make her feel inadequate in her own mind since she lacks the experience and skill she would imagine the previous lovers had. But I do think knowing the number is better than leaving a woman to her imagination. Either she will imagine a high number and it will be cause for alarm or she could imagine a lower number and feel lied to if somehow the actual number came to light later in life.

I do advise to keep it as general as possible, though. Something like “I had 3 sexual partners. One was a long term relationship and we lived together for a time. The other two were foolish one night encounters.”, for example. Either before or after the revelation you would probably want to include why you did what you did (lonely, depressed and acting out…whatever), how it changed you, how you view the behavior now, etc.

There is a way to positively spin this history,Joshvanrad. You have left the Church and lived another type of life for a time. You found your way home. I’d say you are less likely than some to stumble away. You will never wonder if the grass is greener on the other side and your experience has taught you exactly what you want and what you do not want.
 
The_Bucket said:
Deception is a great way to start a relationship.
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I’m trying to see why this is important. is the OP going to confess all of his presumably confessed and absolved sins to his girlfriend? why is that particular sin important? I note that the OP considers that this gives him a “dark past”. if that’s all an RC can claim as a sinful past, he’s a living saint.

you tell me what you think the girlfriend going to do or supposed to do with the information? cry herself to sleep and then hold it against him? make him take it back? reject him?

if she rejects him over a past indiscretion that’s been absolved, then that says more about either her immaturity or her unrealistic view of life and for that reason alone it might be worth disclosing.

if the OP is worried about STDs, he can get himself tested. I assume, however, because he hasn’t mentioned on, he is clean; I also assume for the same reason there’s no child involved.
 
Future spouses have the right to know some kind of background about past relationships. That includes, in my mind, whether or not there was some kind of sexual relations. It’s not to do a “second confession” or something weird like that. It’s simply to relay relevant information. And if you are going to marry someone or think about marrying someone, you know that you’re bringing baggage into the relationship. Everyone’s got baggage, that’s quite right, but you need to disclose some amount of it.

I think UbiCaritas is closest to the right answer. The OP has a history, but it’s just that. History. And it’s over and forgiven with the Lord. So I wouldn’t make a production about it. I’d just let it come out over the course of talking about past relationships, which is always a subject discussed between people who are dating. Don’t be overly casual about it but don’t beat yourself up over it either. This woman would have no right to feel “betrayed” because it happened awhile ago but she could also see it as a “dealbreaker.” I think that’s silly but hey, that’s me.

Just let it come up in usual conversation, say why it happened and why it’s not going to happen again and then go from there.
 
The_Bucket said:
Future spouses have the right to know some kind of background about past relationships. That includes, in my mind, whether or not there was some kind of sexual relations. It’s not to do a “second confession” or something weird like that. It’s simply to relay relevant information. And if you are going to marry someone or think about marrying someone, you know that you’re bringing baggage into the relationship. Everyone’s got baggage, that’s quite right, but you need to disclose some amount of it.

I think UbiCaritas is closest to the right answer. The OP has a history, but it’s just that. History. And it’s over and forgiven with the Lord. So I wouldn’t make a production about it. I’d just let it come out over the course of talking about past relationships, which is always a subject discussed between people who are dating. Don’t be overly casual about it but don’t beat yourself up over it either. This woman would have no right to feel “betrayed” because it happened awhile ago but she could also see it as a “dealbreaker.” I think that’s silly but hey, that’s me.

Just let it come up in usual conversation, say why it happened and why it’s not going to happen again and then go from there.
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I’ve changed my mind and agree with you.

if she rejects him over it, failure of the relationship was inevitable.

personally, asking of someone were a virgin is a foolish question, but the younger people are, the more Drama they need.
 
Oh for goodness sake do NOT tell this woman the number of partners you had and which were meaningful relationships and which weren’t. I assume she knows you weren’t always a faithful Catholic but it would be good to clarify that you are no longer a virgin. Let her know you regret your past sexual history and have worked hard to amend your life and are very grateful not to have any permanent physical consequence like an STD.

Be open and honest about the important things: how you feel about your past behavior and how you have changed. You do not need to give a catalogue of your sexual experience unless it includes information that may come to her in another avenue (like you made adult films, were involved with her best friend, etc.)

Now if she ASKS that’s another story altogether. Even then I’d say the less detail the better. I say this from experience both as a adult single and a married person–your relationship isn’t a confessional. Honesty isn’t the same as an exhaustive inventory.

As for when to discuss it, prior to public announcement of any engagement.
 
Here is why it matters: when you’ve sealed the deal, you’re done. You’re in it. If by some off-chance she has a horrible reaction when she finds out years later, what then? What if she flips out, has a spiritual melt-down, and leaves you entirely for another man? It all sounds incredibly unlikely, but as a professional academic librarian let me tell you one thing: if there is a possibility of something happening, then it has already happened, and it will happen again. The are billions of people in the world and each of them has a unique, crazy story to tell. Don’t leave anything to chance. If there is anything at all hanging over your head that you think might somehow damage the relationship, then keep it hidden at your own peril.
 
Good advice here so far (except the poster who suggested hiding it…)
In terms of amount of disclosure, I think it;s best to be general at first, then let her tell you how much detail she wants to know. Some people will not want too much detail, others will prefer to know the whole thing.

After such an initial conversation, my now-husband and I actually went through one of those silly internet purity-tests, because we were the kind of people who wanted to know every single detail. But for others, that would be way TMI.
 
McMcMe said:
Now if she ASKS that’s another story altogether. Even then I’d say the less detail the better. I say this from experience both as a adult single and a married person–your relationship isn’t a confessional. Honesty isn’t the same as an exhaustive inventory.
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Well said. You can be honest and not overload someone. Leave the confessing of sins to the confessional and leave past sins in the past. It’s important to disclose actual betrayals and a good thing to at least touch on your personal baggage when deciding to get serious in a relationship, but that’s it.

Be honest. Be forthright. Be contrite. And be brief.
 
TK421 said:
Here is why it matters: when you’ve sealed the deal, you’re done. You’re in it. If by some off-chance she has a horrible reaction when she finds out years later, what then? What if she flips out, has a spiritual melt-down, and leaves you entirely for another man? It all sounds incredibly unlikely, but as a professional academic librarian let me tell you one thing: if there is a possibility of something happening, then it has already happened, and it will happen again. The are billions of people in the world and each of them has a unique, crazy story to tell. Don’t leave anything to chance. If there is anything at all hanging over your head that you think might somehow damage the relationship, then keep it hidden at your own peril.
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then the OP should confess every sin to the girlfriend. you never know, 20 years into the marriage she might freak over an unpaid tax bill from 1985 and leave him for another man.

if the OP lived with a girl for so many years, and mentions that, he doesn’t have to pull the Drama cord and confess he’s no longer a virgin. unless the girlfriend is that dense, in which case he doesn’t want her around anyway.

(disclaimer: I’m not a professional academic librarian, nor do I play one on TV)
 
UbiCaritas said:
Wait until you’re fairly serious but definitely not engaged. It’s not the sort of thing you’d want to bring up in the getting-to-know-you stage, but it also isn’t a conversation you want to have a week before you plan on proposing. 😛 You should definitely bring it up; don’t wait for her to ask, as that could suggest that you wouldn’t have told her otherwise.

I presume that you’ve been tested for STDs.

Find a time when you can be alone together and not in a very public place (ie, a restaurant is a bad idea). Sit down and tell her that there’s something you think that it’s important that she should know, but that you find it hard to tell her. Then be brief but honest: “As you know, I haven’t always been a practicing Catholic. I am grateful every day that I’ve returned to the Church, not least of all because it has formed me into the man who you are dating. However, I think it is important to tell you in case it may be a deal-breaker for you that I had sex with a woman (or some women) before I returned to the Church. I regret this very much, and always will. Of course, I’ve gone to Confession about it. I have been tested for STDs and do not carry any. (If you do carry some, such as herpes, you will need to be brief but clear about what that entails, risks to any future spouse, etc.) If you can’t handle this, I understand, but I didn’t want things to get any more serious without your being aware of this situation.”

That’s pretty much it. If you had sex with more than one woman, do not go into any details about how many women, how often, the acts in question, what the women looked like, etc. She may ask, but it is almost certainly best that she not know; this information will only hurt her and will not help the situation at all.

Then sit back and allow her to react. She may say that she needs time to think; give it to her. She may need to talk about it later. She may say that this isn’t a problem and she’s glad you trusted her with this information. She may, indeed, find it to be a deal-breaker. We can’t predict how she’ll react.

Most importantly, pray before this discussion. If the two of you pray together, pray together before you start talking.
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I think this is great advice. I would follow this. As a married man, I made sure my wife to be at the time knew me, warts and all. Being forthright and honest prevents any deception or impediment to marriage from happening.

And to restate some of the advice I quoted, pray a good deal and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide your thoughts and words! Their is no substitute for prayer. It sounds like you are really getting ahold of your life, and I will pray for you!

May God Bless you and may He lead you to your vocation!
 
Fairwinds said:
then the OP should confess every sin to the girlfriend. you never know, 20 years into the marriage she might freak over an unpaid tax bill from 1985 and leave him for another man.

if the OP lived with a girl for so many years, and mentions that, he doesn’t have to pull the Drama cord and confess he’s no longer a virgin. unless the girlfriend is that dense, in which case he doesn’t want her around anyway.

(disclaimer: I’m not a professional academic librarian, nor do I play one on TV)
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You don’t need to abuse the point I was making to its logical extreme, especially since the average person can’t recall every detail of their past anyway. But on that point: if I had a history of fraud, then yes, I would feel compelled to let her know about it, including the extent to which I was involved in it. As far as I know (and I still have a lot to learn about it) it’s not as though a couple is required to give the equivalent of a confessional to each other, but I can’t think of why it wouldn’t be beneficial if you’re entering into a lifelong bond. This is especially true if you’re living in a Western society where a lot of people have the false impression that marriage is “till you don’t feel like it anymore” and not “till death do you part”. When is the best time to have extra reinforcements at your walls? When nothing is happening, or when there’s a thousand people banging at the gates?

So yeah, I guess you could say I’ve adopted an extremely thorough, guarded, and potentially obnoxious attitude on the issue. I’ve simply heard, read, and seen too much from people not to consider absolute honesty a top concern. So my own recommendation (and how I plan on doing it) is to spill the beans entirely.
 
Unless you told her or implied it you probably assumes you’ve already has relations with someone most people do nowdays. Tell her when you feel your close enough. Has she said anything to let you believe she would only ever marry or date someone with not experience?
 
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