How giving is too much?

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For instance…here you are on the forum, seeking guidance about your problems. That could be a sign of maturity, that you are willing to look at yourself and problems. That´s a sign of someone who cares, wants to learn from mistakes. An “idiot” never learns from his mistakes. That´s why he´s an “idiot”.

Also, please stop beating yourself up. Have you ever seen the movie, “The Great Debaters”? Once, one of the characters called himself a name, and the teacher told him to stop it, that it was like he was punching himself, verbally!

Stop calling yourself names. I don´t mean it to hurt you. I just have done that a lot to myself, called myself names I’d NEVER call anybody else.

Use the same rules for yourself as anybody else. If you wouldn´t call someone else that name, don´t use it to hurt yourself.

You deserve better.
 
ClearWater said:
Here´s a clip on codependency, didn´t have time to watch the video, but the rest was interesting. It concerned me about wanting to please. The need to please others can potentially be a codependent feature.

wikihow.com/Tell-if-You-Are-Codependent
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I’m quite alarmed at how I’ve missed this about myself for so long. It makes things much clearer and it is very clear I need to make a change, but this does explain a lot of my issues.
 
carguy said:
I’m quite alarmed at how I’ve missed this about myself for so long. It makes things much clearer and it is very clear I need to make a change, but this does explain a lot of my issues.
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Well, I am including this as a codependent, myself. My sister told me years ago that she was a codependent, too.

I went to a REALLY, REALLY good marital counselor when I was divorcing. We were going through the history of my relationships, and I had studied some psychology in my major, social work.

Anyway, the counselor was leading me to this with her questioning, said something like, “About now, you are probably asking yourself why this is happening to you…”. I nodded. She was silent.

I basically diagnosed myself by saying, “Am I codependent?” She nodded. I asked how that was possible, since neither of my parents are/were alcoholics. She said that besides being the child of an alcoholic, other risk factors are having a disability or coming from a large family.

I have a disability AND am from a large family (11).

She recommended that, in addition to counseling, for the codependency, that I go to a support group. There is one called "Codependents’ Anonymous, which works on issues primarily of boundaries.

She added that if I couldn´t find a local CA group to attend, to look for the next closest thing, which would be Alanon. She said the work with the same issues…boundaries.

They are both 12-step groups.

I once had a friend of mine who, at age 17 y.o., left home, because her father (I believe he was an alcoholic), was beating her. She went from one horrendous relationship to another. She went from one abusive boyfriend to another, and a lot of what she said resonated with me.

She was attracted to men who would mistreat her, one thing, and once had a guy who was very stable, adored her, but she felt nothing towards him, would be attracted to abusive men.

It reminded me a little of the movie, “Pretty Woman” when she was telling Edward that her sister had referred to her as a “bum magnet”, that if there was a bum in a 50 mile radius, that she would be totally and completely attracted to him!

Codependents are often attracted to narcisists.

Codependents often have boundary issues…going both ways…overstepping their boundaries, and having their boundaries overstepped. Good boundaries are VITAL.

Being codependent is awful. My romantic life looks like a mine field!

It is tragic.

However, I’ve been told there is hope. If you even think you might have this, begin reading and seeing about getting some counsel, be it from a professional counselor and possibly additionally a support group.

If not, this pattern, in ALL your relationships will probably continue.
 
Oh, my excellent counselor, told me my relationships would men would probably tend to be with men who were either absent, or abusive. She really nailed it.

She was the best counselor I have ever had. She had 30 years experience doing this to draw on. I have never felt like I’ve been able to make headway on the codependency.

Others might look at me, wonder why I am the way I am…look at you…wonder why you are the way you are. However, when one has studied…psychology, human behavior, it begins to make more sense, not seem “stupid” or “dumb” at all, but as almost the logical conclusion to certain kinds of upbringings.

Codependents really can´t be happy unless they are in a relationship, and they can have sort of like fusion…enmeshment which causes the other to flee it, because it can seem sort of smothering to the other person.
 
I think codependency is a response to living in a dysfunctional family, and one looks to find some control, if not through oneself, then others.

So, even if it were the case you turned out to be a codependent, please also don´t beat yourself up about that, either. Just work on it, and be good to yourself.
 
One has never learned proper boundaries, and as a result, repeats this yet another generation, unless the cycle is broken. It´s possible to break but quite hard.
 
ClearWater said:
Oh, my excellent counselor, told me my relationships would men would probably tend to be with men who were either absent, or abusive. She really nailed it.

She was the best counselor I have ever had. She had 30 years experience doing this to draw on. I have never felt like I’ve been able to make headway on the codependency.

Others might look at me, wonder why I am the way I am…look at you…wonder why you are the way you are. However, when one has studied…psychology, human behavior, it begins to make more sense, not seem “stupid” or “dumb” at all, but as almost the logical conclusion to certain kinds of upbringings.

Codependents really can´t be happy unless they are in a relationship, and they can have sort of like fusion…enmeshment which causes the other to flee it, because it can seem sort of smothering to the other person.
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Well this does give me a lot to go on but also I have some problems. One I have very loving supportive parents. Could come from some other issues being diagnosed with a few mental problems and having been bullied but yet I did graduate high school on the honor roll and all that jazz and now have a college degree. Now the only problem I see is that the girl well she is the one that isn’t far from a horrible relationship and well has a problem being adored. But yes my past relationships weren’t healthy at all and tended to be in someone shape or form toxic. So I’m slightly confused
 
carguy said:
Well this does give me a lot to go on but also I have some problems. One I have very loving supportive parents. Could come from some other issues being diagnosed with a few mental problems and having been bullied but yet I did graduate high school on the honor roll and all that jazz and now have a college degree.** Now the only problem I see is that the girl well she is the one that isn’t far from a horrible relationship and well has a problem being adored.** But yes my past relationships weren’t healthy at all and tended to be in someone shape or form toxic. So I’m slightly confused
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Okay. Well, could you be smothering her?

lol

If so, listen to her and back off a bit, then.
 
You know what they say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. 😉

Ironically, sometimes, it works the opposite of what would think.

Sometimes, less is more, in a sense. Sometimes, if it´s too easy, it´s no fun.

There needs to be a balance.
 
ClearWater said:
Okay. Well, could you be smothering her?

lol

If so, listen to her and back off a bit, then.
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I am and I intend to work on my problem first and foremost. This was a very fruitful thread. Thank God I found this site
 
Sometimes, one of my problems has probably always been, not that I don´t try hard enough, but that I try TOO hard, in my relationships, give too much!

They say you can´t give too much, but no, you CAN! If you do, it causes problems, creates a kind of imbalance.
 
You know? This is really good stuff…I do believe I´ll actually take some of this advice…for myself!

lol 😉
 
ClearWater said:
Sometimes, one of my problems has probably always been, not that I don´t try hard enough, but that I try TOO hard, in my relationships, give too much!

They say you can´t give too much, but no, you CAN! If you do, it causes problems, creates a kind of imbalance.
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Oh do I not hear that. I’ve been yelled at for trying to hard in every relationship. I’m very good at lol.
 
carguy said:
Oh do I not hear that. I’ve been yelled at for trying to hard in every relationship. I’m very good at lol.
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Really? Well then, try something new. Try listening to this, and working with your partner on this.

In all irony, give less, then. Less is what they want…less it is! lol

I just got into a relationship…lasted a month if that, and among other things, I gave too much, and he even told me as much!

My mother once said something to the effect that men would not respect me for doing all that, that it’d backfire, that they´d respect me…LESS! Wow! She was right!

The more I did in a relationship, in all irony, the less he would respect that. Men seemed to like to work at it, not have it come too easy.

I even had a man tell me that.
 
My mother would be saying things like, “Let him come to you! Let him call YOU! Do you think he will respect you more for this? No!”
 
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