How giving is too much?

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Pulling back, I can be more objective about you than I can myself. I can see that it is good to have a mutual relationship with BOTH working at it, not just one. Let her do some of this.

Give her some space. LISTEN to what she says…not passively…actively. REALLY listen to her complaints, and especially if they are the same complaints you have heard in every relationship, that means there is something there. Do NOT ignore that.

Ask specifically what you need to do…or not do…to improve that relationship, and consider trying it…even if it means…spending less time…giving fewer gifts, etc. TRY that and see where it leads, even if it’s not what you feel like doing. Do it, anyway.
 
ClearWater said:
She told me to stop acting, “desperate”.
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Yes she did tell me that. But at least I’m not like her ex friend that got jealous but she was desperate and used sex and man does it end bad for her every time
 
ClearWater said:
Pulling back, I can be more objective about you than I can myself. I can see that it is good to have a mutual relationship with BOTH working at it, not just one. Let her do some of this.

Give her some space. LISTEN to what she says…not passively…actively. REALLY listen to her complaints, and especially if they are the same complaints you have heard in every relationship, that means there is something there. Do NOT ignore that.

Ask specifically what you need to do…or not do…to improve that relationship, and consider trying it…even if it means…spending less time…giving fewer gifts, etc. TRY that and see where it leads, even if it’s not what you feel like doing. Do it, anyway.
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Man I feel dumb for not quite understanding this sooner.
 
carguy said:
Yes she did tell me that. But at least I’m not like her ex friend that got jealous but she was desperate and used sex and man does it end bad for her every time
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Are you codependent? Also, is she codependent?

Why does it end badly for ya all every time? Also, HOW does it end badly each time?

One person said to examine how the last 3 relationships ended…and take it from there. Look for patterns. She will tend to repeat her patterns…you will tend to repeat yours. There it is.

If you want this to work, something will probably need to change to make this functional.

You are probably actually crossing a boundary by giving too much. I know I have done that, examining it objectively.

Sometimes, it can even be sort of painful to admit it. The first time I admitted some of this to myself, it really, really hurt. Now, it hurts less.
 
carguy said:
Man I feel dumb for not quite understanding this sooner.
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Please do not beat yourself up about this. That is also part of the pattern, that it will make you feel badly about yourself. Feeling badly about yourself is about the LAST thing you need right now.
 
I am 50 y.o. Do you know how long it too me to figure out I was codependent? It took until…let´s see…I was…what? 48?

lol
 
It took till I went through 2 divorces and a bunch of other stuff.

So, cut yourself some slack!

Please…

A lot of this is going on at only a subconscious level. It´s very difficult to even be aware of this.
 
Oh yeah…and there are SO many things you can do to make the outcome of this different.

You can see a counselor, individually. If she is potentially codependent, never has a positive relationship, she can see a counselor about that, to see why that is, as well.

There are groups, such as Codependents Anonymous…

There are counselors that can see a couple, together. Sometimes, health insurance may even cover some visits.

A lot of times, we think we need to be heading to a divorce to benefit from counseling, but no. If I were in a relationship, had difficulties, I would NOT hesitate to get counseling. I would NOT wait till I was breaking up. Most people wait too long…wait till it´s a hopeless case.

I heard of one case of a couple that I knew that got along very well. They had actually had trouble communicating, but had a wonderful relationship. They went to counseling, not due to really a horrible relationship, but wanting to improve the relationship, make it even better.

With the help of a counselor, they did it. They actually improved their relationship! I thought, “More power to them!”

Most of the rest of us wait too long, as I say, wait till it’s insurmountable.

My last counselor suggested in my next relationship I seek counseling, since I´ve had a history of problems in my relationships, to prevent problems.
 
I think that when we act “desperate”, it may be because…somewhere along the line, we didn´t get something we needed, emotionally, and have been trying to get it ever since…try to overcompensate, but that is actually a turnoff.

They can feel that we don´t feel like we´re good enough. We communicate this with everything they are doing, and by all this smothering and all the rest, they can feel it, and to them, it doesn´t feel good.
 
I think, on some level, this, for me, probably started WAY back with my father! Well, nothing I did was ever good enough. So, I kept thinking if I …got better grades…was smarter…was better, I could win his affection.

However, no matter how I tried…no matter how many "A"s I got or whatever I achieved, he would never give me the time of day.

I think that really wounded me deeply, his rejection, and ever since then, I´ve been reliving this, over and over and over, with every man I come into contact with.

My love live has been a tragedy. I kid you not.

I once had a dream where I felt attracted to someone I shouldn´t have. I felt SO badly over that, that I cried 3 different days, at that time, in my sleep.

I also dreamt that this was like the pain I felt with my father´s rejection of me.
 
ClearWater said:
Oh yeah…and there are SO many things you can do to make the outcome of this different.

You can see a counselor, individually. If she is potentially codependent, never has a positive relationship, she can see a counselor about that, to see why that is, as well.

There are groups, such as Codependents Anonymous…

There are counselors that can see a couple, together. Sometimes, health insurance may even cover some visits.

A lot of times, we think we need to be heading to a divorce to benefit from counseling, but no. If I were in a relationship, had difficulties, I would NOT hesitate to get counseling. I would NOT wait till I was breaking up. Most people wait too long…wait till it´s a hopeless case.

I heard of one case of a couple that I knew that got along very well. They had actually had trouble communicating, but had a wonderful relationship. They went to counseling, not due to really a horrible relationship, but wanting to improve the relationship, make it even better.

With the help of a counselor, they did it. They actually improved their relationship! I thought, “More power to them!”

Most of the rest of us wait too long, as I say, wait till it’s insurmountable.

My last counselor suggested in my next relationship I seek counseling, since I´ve had a history of problems in my relationships, to prevent problems.
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That makes a lot of sense. I’m so happy God gave me the idea to post here today. Cause otherwise I would just keep hearing the same thing or getting used. I’m just unsure on how to go about my loving to spoil her on Christmas or her birthday. That’s so my parents doing that for me
 
Often, it seems, this originates with something…going back in time…a parent…someone…with, say, a rejection…

and we, are sort of like trying to buy our partner´s affection…with all this extra attention, gifts, whatever, because, on some level, we feel inadequate as we are.

We don´t feel good enough…lack of self esteem and self love.

We are turning to them to complete ourselves in sort of a very dependent fashion…unhealthy…without even realizing it.
 
Apparently, the emotional wounds I had with my father´s rejection have been SO deep that I have actually even cried in my sleep over that, even years later.

I´ve felt unable to connect with anyone, numb, desperate for love but unable to sustain a healthy relationship as much as I would love nothing more.
 
carguy said:
That makes a lot of sense. I’m so happy God gave me the idea to post here today. Cause otherwise I would just keep hearing the same thing or getting used. I’m just unsure on how to go about my loving to spoil her on Christmas or her birthday. That’s so my parents doing that for me
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I just had a boyfriend, as I say, and I did EXACTLY that same thing. For his birthday, I went crazy…made him gifts…bought him all kinds of stuff.

I know what you mean.

Yet, it seemed to have almost the opposite effect, was overwhelming, I guess overkill, too much?
 
ClearWater said:
Often, it seems, this originates with something…going back in time…a parent…someone…with, say, a rejection…

and we, are sort of like trying to buy our partner´s affection…with all this extra attention, gifts, whatever, because, on some level, we feel inadequate as we are.

We don´t feel good enough…lack of self esteem and self love.

We are turning to them to complete ourselves in sort of a very dependent fashion…unhealthy…without even realizing it.
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I think I understand I know my parents love me but for some reason I seek female love so much. But I always have a hard time shaking the feeling that my parents have to love me that’s how God made parents. I seek love outside the family. Things seem much more in focus now
 
It comes across as being desperate.

I had one of my sisters ask me, at point blank range, if I felt I needed to buy people.

…that if I didn´t feel good enough for what I was.

I told a counselor this, and she asked what my response would be.

My response would be that, yes, I do feel inadequate as I am, that nobody could possibly ever love me as I am, that I feel I absolutely must do all this in order to try to win a man’s affections.

However, I also know that NEVER works. I know this from past experience. It just doesn’t seem to work that way. You can´t buy love.
 
ClearWater said:
It comes across as being desperate.

I had one of my sisters ask me, at point blank range, if I felt I needed to buy people.

…that if I didn´t feel good enough for what I was.

I told a counselor this, and she asked what my response would be.

My response would be that, yes, I do feel inadequate as I am, that nobody could possibly ever love me as I am, that I feel I absolutely must do all this in order to try to win a man’s affections.

However, I also know that NEVER works. I know this from past experience. It just doesn’t seem to work that way. You can´t buy love.
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It’s so true. I never thought of it as buying love but that I just can’t find the words so I used gifts. But as it seems Communication is key and I know I’ve been yelled at for trying to buy love
 
carguy said:
I think I understand I know my parents love me but for some reason I seek female love so much. But I always have a hard time shaking the feeling that my parents have to love me that’s how God made parents. I seek love outside the family. Things seem much more in focus now
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In my case, it was never that clear. In my case, I heard, sometimes daily, some REALLY damaging things, again and again and again and again.

I heard …things like “g…d…women!” “G…d…kids!” EVERY day!

Oh…I heard much more than that. Then, I sought to leave that, find love outside my family, but it´s as if I couldn´t run from this. It seemed to follow me everywhere, as if something was never resolved and needed to be, in order for me to be able to find love, move forward.

I have never figured out how to resolve, or fix, this.

It has haunted EVERY relationship.
 
Once…I tried to run away from home…

Another time, I told my brother I wanted to run away, and he made the terrible mistake of telling my father. My father said there was no need…that he´d drive me anywhere I wanted to go!
 
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