How giving is too much?

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I have felt STARVED for love or any kind of attention or affection.

I believe any man I’m with can readily feel that, and it must feel terrible…

I think I smother a guy, though I´m not trying to, but I always end up doing that. He probably can´t handle that, since it´s probably so oppressive.

One of my sisters was SO desperate for love that she ran out, got married at 17 y.o. mainly just to get out of the house!

She told me she went with the first person who gave her any attention or affection.
 
ClearWater said:
I have felt STARVED for love or any kind of attention or affection.

I believe any man I’m with can readily feel that, and it must feel terrible…

I think I smother a guy, though I´m not trying to, but I always end up doing that. He probably can´t handle that, since it´s probably so oppressive.

One of my sisters was SO desperate for love that she ran out, got married at 17 y.o. mainly just to get out of the house!

She told me she went with the first person who gave her any attention or affection.
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I understand that cause my friends feared that for me. Even this girl said im lucky I didn’t find someone that will use me that she rather just protect me till “grow up”. I am so sick of hearing I need to grow up or I need be more mature
 
carguy said:
I understand that cause my friends feared that for me. Even this girl said im lucky I didn’t find someone that will use me that she rather just protect me till “grow up”. I am so sick of hearing I need to grow up or I need be more mature
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How old are you?
 
ClearWater said:
How old are you?
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I’m ot 23 and she’s 26. Oh and the fact she was engaged before we meet. It literally ended 3 months before. And when I was freaked out by some of her past and wanted help processing it I still get grief about asking for help cause it’s “her past”
 
carguy said:
I’m ot 23 and she’s 26. Oh and the fact she was engaged before we meet. It literally ended 3 months before. And when I was freaked out by some of her past and wanted help processing it I still get grief about asking for help cause it’s “her past”
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Well, if you are considering a future together, it DOES, and WILL affect you. I think it´d be VERY wise to get counseling, the both of you, to help you through all this, since there does seem to be some kind of pattern at work.

Sometimes, these patterns can even be intergenerational.

For example, you can have this problem(s) going not only with you or her, but for generation after generation after generation!
 
…and insofar as what other people think, one…you don´t need to tell anyone you are even going to counseling…

Two…even if you did, even if they disagree, it doesn´t matter. All that matters is you and her. Don´t worry about trying to please people.

Someone smarter used to say you can please some of the people, some of the time, but you just can´t please all of the people all of the time. So, stop trying to!

😉
 
Can ya´ all get some counseling?

I have tried it, myself, and especially if you can find someone good, it can be VERY helpful. I know it was for me.

Sometimes, health insurance will even cover at least a few visits.

Consider it an investment, in your relationship.
 
Okay…one point…my counselor told me basically as I was walking out the door.

She told me that if I could remember nothing else, to remember to take care of myself. This simple point is key in codependency. We often try to forget ourselves, our needs. Try hard not to.

Keep all your friendships…interests…hobbies…keep your health and everything.

Strive for balance and work on not crossing her boundaries and not allowing others to cross yours.
 
ClearWater said:
…and insofar as what other people think, one…you don´t need to tell anyone you are even going to counseling…

Two…even if you did, even if they disagree, it doesn´t matter. All that matters is you and her. Don´t worry about trying to please people.

Someone smarter used to say you can please some of the people, some of the time, but you just can´t please all of the people all of the time. So, stop trying to!

😉
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It’s very true. Just one thing still eats at me that my asking my cousin and my friends to help me process some of the very horrid things that happened in her last relationship and having that be problem cause it was told to me and only me. Like I feel asking someone at just 21 to comprehend something like having an engagement violtlated when clearly I’ve not had a relationship that deep was unfair. And that talking about our problems with others to get help is wrong cause my friends would somehow hate her
 
ClearWater said:
Okay…one point…my counselor told me basically as I was walking out the door.

She told me that if I could remember nothing else, to remember to take care of myself. This simple point is key in codependency. We often try to forget ourselves, our needs. Try hard not to.

Keep all your friendships…interests…hobbies…keep your health and everything.

Strive for balance and work on not crossing her boundaries and not allowing others to cross yours.
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Yes I’m often told I need to do what makes me happy
 
carguy said:
It’s very true. Just one thing still eats at me that my asking my cousin and my friends to help me process some of the very horrid things that happened in her last relationship and having that be problem cause it was told to me and only me. Like I feel asking someone at just 21 to comprehend something like having an engagement violtlated when clearly I’ve not had a relationship that deep was unfair. And that talking about our problems with others to get help is wrong cause my friends would somehow hate her
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In counseling, they are to be empathic. Secondly, they have a policy NOT to reveal this outside. They can even be sued if that were to ever happen. It would be a violation of confidentiality.
 
If you could find a way to swing it, financially and timewise, I think counseling is the way to go.

If not, I would bet dollars to donuts, you both would tend to each repeat your patterns…in this relationship…the next, next, and next.

I don´t even tend to get hung up on whose fault this all is. I try not to judge these things, because I’m not perfect, myself.

Also, most counselors have pretty much heard it all by now, and it’d be unlikely you could say anything they haven´t already heard, unless they are new to counseling. They´ve usually already heard it all, and I doubt they´d be shocked by anything either of you could say.
 
carguy said:
Yes I’m often told I need to do what makes me happy
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We codependents can have a tendency to overdo it. When we get into a relationship, we can try to drop everything, focus ALL our energies towards that, and that alone, let our job, friends, family, hobbies and interests, all fall “by the wayside”.

Try not to do that. Keep up with all your friends. Leave time so that you don´t “crowd” her.
Leave time apart.

In that way, you will actually be even MORE interesting and exciting for her, in all irony.
 
You probably will NOT want to do this, but try it, anyway. See what happens.

It´s sort of like playing hard to get. lol

Only, this will help both of you in the long run.

In codependent relationships, they can have almost an obsessive quality.
 
ClearWater said:
In counseling, they are to be empathic. Secondly, they have a policy NOT to reveal this outside. They can even be sued if that were to ever happen. It would be a violation of confidentiality.
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Great point. I just wish I knew sooner cause I feel like it’s been such a problem. I know she hates that confide in my friends about her
 
I’ve sometimes done that, too.

That is crossing a boundary. If she confides something in you that´s personal, from here on out, keep that private as much as you can. Well, it´s because it´s an indiscretion. She has a point, but this is part of the codependency. You both will probably have problems with boundary issues.

So, one idea would be that, when you feel you need to speak to someone about these issues, would be to see a counselor. A counselor will keep this private, can also be neutral about all this.

Don´t beat yourself up about any mistakes. What´s done is done…water under the bridge. Yesterday is a cancelled check.

Work from now and on.

Codependents Anonymous would be another good first stop. It´s a 12-step program.

If there is no CA, you can try Alanon…because they also work boundaries. You could even go together.

If you are concerned word would get out, look for a meeting farther away, but really, ideally, they aren´t to reveal that, outside the meetings, either.
 
carguy said:
Great point. I just wish I knew sooner cause I feel like it’s been such a problem. I know she hates that confide in my friends about her
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She is right. Work on not crossing this boundary in the future. Look for healthy ways to thrash out these issues. Instead of working them out with family and friends…try support groups and counseling…one thing…a suggestion, so you don´t have problems with your girlfriend about confiding, inappropriately.
 
Also, you two ARE young! lol

When you get my age, you probably won´t be concerned as much about what other people think. You will begin to realize that it is like Mission Impossible trying to please others, so why even bother?!

lol

Also, older couples often have more life experience, know to try counseling, and don´t care what anybody thinks, so I think they would tend to have a higher success rate in their relationships, as a result.

You are under no obligation to tell anybody you are going to a support group or counseling. Why would they even need to know? Further, if they knew and bothered you, it’d make me wonder why you even bothered with them. Well, hang out with people who will understand, lift you up, not be critical of ya’ all, pull you down.
 
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