How important is physical appearance when dating?

[WildCatholic]

What if the women you’re attempting to date just put the exact same emphasis on physical attractiveness that you do? My BIL is the worst example of this that I can think of. He resembles Newman from Seinfeld but he expects to have a 10 hanging on his arms. If women reject him, they are being shallow. If he rejects a woman, it is because he just isn’t physically attracted to them. It’s almost as if he thinks that he is owed a beautiful woman for his own hapiness.

Well i’d tell him he needs to get his act together if he wants to date that or lower his standards. Also and this is just my opinion there can be attractive larger women. At the end of the day there has to be more than the physical and as I said I have been attracted and dated to plenty of women who a few wouldn’t find attractive. Maybe tell him he should meet people with similar interests as well.

One more point. He might be owed a beautiful woman but he needs to redefine what that is. If he can’t than he deserves to be alone.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I don’t know if you are unattractive or not but if you are unattractive and only go after attractive women then likely you will remain alone. Attractive people have attractive people going after them, why would they want to date someone unattractive? Personality is important but looks matter first. When I did online dating guys I didn’t find attractive (and that was most)I saw no purpose in even meeting. Maybe we would have clicked offline but online I wasn’t interested if I didn’t find them attractive. I was especially turned off by the men who only contacted me because of my looks when they didn’t offer anything in return.

As a former model I can assure you not all of us have to date handsome people. However, the thing many get wrong is thinking people don’t judge and most do. I’ve had a lot of men attracted to me but many were way below my standards and would never consider, like obese men. If someone is unattractive and only going after the most attractive they likely will be disappointed. When I did online dating **I rejected men who were obviously only contacting me because of my looks. **

This whole thread is just bonkers (except for everything that Xantippe posted), but these really stuck out to me.

(Bolding mine) Quite frankly, from one pretty girl to another, you need to get over yourself. You are not reflecting well on yourself, on attractive women, or on Catholic women. I’m not sure why you assume that unattractive men are only after your looks and that they have “nothing to offer in return”, but that’s a pretty sad attitude. It seems like you’re the one who only cares about looks, not them.

I met my husband on online dating. When he messaged me, I was 5’2 and 115 lbs. He was 6’6 and nearing 400 lbs. I thought his pictures were pretty cute, but obviously, words like ‘handsome’, ‘sexy’, or even ‘attractive’ were not the first that came to mind. But his opening message was funny, and I liked the content of his profile. Sure, there was no ‘spark’ from his pictures, but he seemed nice and funny, and I strongly believe in having an open mind about people. I met him a few nights later for drinks, and after an hour of talking and laughing, his size no longer mattered.

Why did I want to date someone “unattractive” when I had objectively better-looking men after me? Well, that “unattractive” man completed two bachelor’s degrees, a master’s degree, and his CPA certification all before his 23rd birthday. He also played in a band and regularly had gigs as an amateur stand-up. Men who pursue their passions are sexy. Oh, and he was kind, adventurous, and showed the respect to everyone he encountered. What was the “point” of meeting him if I didn’t find him attractive? Well, I have a smart, educated, kind, wonderful husband who would do anything for our family and our future. You don’t find men like that everyday, and turning one down just to find one in a nicer package is nothing short of foolish.

I had a few friends who had your attitude. A few told me that I was “too good” for him and wondered out loud why I would possibly be with him. I am no longer friends with those people.

And it worked out exceptionally well for me in the end. He was diagnosed with cancer, went through treatment and then remission, and turned his life around. He is down to a very healthy weight and is more active than ever. And now, my friends refer to him as ‘the hot husband’-and it’s true, I am married to the most objectively handsome man in my circle of friends. And he’s every bit as wonderful on the inside as he ever was.

Looks fade and looks change. Don’t write people off because of them.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This is not to say that his weight did not present challenges, because it did. I was a very active, outdoorsy person. He simply did not have the energy to engage in a lot of activities with me. I’ve posted about this at length before. It was definitely not all sunshine and roses.

But we both did the best we could, and it was totally and completely worth it.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Some remarks:

First, regarding the hard “no” and soft “no”, I strongly prefer hard “no” as long as it is polite as I respect the honesty behind it far more than beating around the bush. Regarding the soft “no”, I look to see if she suggests another time or timeframe as this would indicate to me that she is still interested in getting together. If I don’t get that from her, then I automatically translate the soft “no” to a hard “no” in my mind and move on. If she does suggest another time but still flakes out, then that too becomes a hard “no”.

Second, about physical appearance, most of us are not gifted with magazine-quality looks. That said … what a woman does with the talent God gave her is an important reflection on her. Hence, I am attracted to women who take care of themselves, who control their weight, who dress appropriately and style their hair, who use makeup sparingly, who avoids tattoos, tobacco and drugs, etc. A woman who can does that and makes it a point to search for and go where the Catholic men are is way ahead of those who live like slobs and pray for the hunky millionaire to show up at their door and sweep them away.

 

[CaliLobo]

Alright. I’m gonna bite.

I’m not gonna lie. For men, physical appearance is important. Why? Because it is a sexual attraction trigger, whether you like it or not.

However…

Physical beauty is not enough in itself. Why? Because it’s not that rare!

You need a kind, warm, and understanding personality to go along with it. You also need to be open to actually meeting someone new. Men want to know the person behind the beauty. And no, not every guy that comes up to you is a creep.

Unfortunately, too often there is an inverse relationship between looks and personality. Many hot women “know it” and take advantage.

Women, please understand. One of the scariest things for men to do in this life is to approach women they like. Why? Because we are risking rejection. Personally, for me, it feels like I am placing myself at Thor’s judgment, and if I do wrong the woman will strike Thor’s hammer on top of my head and banish me. It’s silly, but that is the imagery that’s in my head.

Also, please understand that feminine beauty is **intimidating **to many men. Why? Because from our perspective, we’re thinking, “Whoa, that woman is beautiful. I bet she gets approached by men left and right, and has no problem finding dates. Am I even in her league? I don’t think I even stand a chance.”

(I was just at the beach yesterday and realized I’m still intimidated at times. It’s like, do I look? Or do I not look to be polite? Do I approach? Or do they want privacy? What do I have to offer to these near-perfect-looking women?)

There’s one thing you can do to make it easier though–smile and have more open body language.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Second, about physical appearance, most of us are not gifted with magazine-quality looks. That said … what a woman does with the talent God gave her is an important reflection on her. Hence, I am attracted to women who take care of themselves, who control their weight, who dress appropriately and style their hair, who use makeup sparingly, who avoids tattoos, tobacco and drugs, etc. A woman who can does that and makes it a point to search for and go where the Catholic men are is way ahead of those who live like slobs and pray for the hunky millionaire to show up at their door and sweep them away.

YES!!! A million times YES!!!

I would always go for a less attractive man who looks like he takes care of himself over a handsome man who looks and dresses like a slob. I work hard for my body and I put time and effort into my appearance, I want someone who does the same. It’s also about basic respect. If I’m at a nice bar/restaurant/hotel I dress for the occassion out of respect for the establishment and the other patrons, and again, I want someone who does the same.

And for me, social graces are far more important than appearances. I always looked for men who could hold a conversation with a variety of people on a variety of topics, were quick-witted, and had good manners.

 

[Xantippe]

This is not to say that his weight did not present challenges, because it did. I was a very active, outdoorsy person. He simply did not have the energy to engage in a lot of activities with me. I’ve posted about this at length before. It was definitely not all sunshine and roses.

But we both did the best we could, and it was totally and completely worth it.

Awww. Very sweet.

 

[Xantippe]

Some remarks:

First, regarding the hard “no” and soft “no”, I strongly prefer hard “no” as long as it is polite as I respect the honesty behind it far more than beating around the bush. Regarding the soft “no”, I look to see if she suggests another time or timeframe as this would indicate to me that she is still interested in getting together. If I don’t get that from her, then I automatically translate the soft “no” to a hard “no” in my mind and move on. If she does suggest another time but still flakes out, then that too becomes a hard “no”.

It sounds like you’ve got this down.

Remember, guys, to avoid invitations of the form, “You wanna go out with me sometime?” I’m sure Zzyzx Road understands the problem with that, but for the rest of you guys, if she says “No” to that one, it’s game over. Much better to give a specific invitation to a specific event or activity with a specific time and place. That way she’s saying no to frog legs on Thursday night, not to you for ever and ever, amen.

I learned that one from one of Judith Martin’s etiquette books back when I was a teenager. Etiquette books are actually fantastic for the socially awkward.

 

[JillianRose]

HI!

Its hard dating all around. I am glad those days are OVER. Only you can decide what is important to you. If something REALLY bothers you, marriage is not going to make it better.

Prayers with you,
Jillian Rose

 

[on_the_hill]

Remember, guys, to avoid invitations of the form, “You wanna go out with me sometime?” I’m sure Zzyzx Road understands the problem with that, but for the rest of you guys, if she says “No” to that one, it’s game over. Much better to give a specific invitation to a specific event or activity with a specific time and place. That way she’s saying no to frog legs on Thursday night, not to you for ever and ever, amen.

I’m married and obviously never use this “technique” for dating, but I use it at work all the time! When I have to set up a meeting with a higher level executive, or make a request of a higher level executive, it’s way better to give specifics for him/her to consider and respond to. Way more successful, too.

 

[Cat]

This whole thread is just bonkers (except for everything that Xantippe posted), but these really stuck out to me.

(Bolding mine) Quite frankly, from one pretty girl to another, you need to get over yourself. You are not reflecting well on yourself, on attractive women, or on Catholic women. I’m not sure why you assume that unattractive men are only after your looks and that they have “nothing to offer in return”, but that’s a pretty sad attitude. It seems like you’re the one who only cares about looks, not them.

I met my husband on online dating. When he messaged me, I was 5’2 and 115 lbs. He was 6’6 and nearing 400 lbs. I thought his pictures were pretty cute, but obviously, words like ‘handsome’, ‘sexy’, or even ‘attractive’ were not the first that came to mind. But his opening message was funny, and I liked the content of his profile. Sure, there was no ‘spark’ from his pictures, but he seemed nice and funny, and I strongly believe in having an open mind about people. I met him a few nights later for drinks, and after an hour of talking and laughing, his size no longer mattered.

Why did I want to date someone “unattractive” when I had objectively better-looking men after me? Well, that “unattractive” man completed two bachelor’s degrees, a master’s degree, and his CPA certification all before his 23rd birthday. He also played in a band and regularly had gigs as an amateur stand-up. Men who pursue their passions are sexy. Oh, and he was kind, adventurous, and showed the respect to everyone he encountered. What was the “point” of meeting him if I didn’t find him attractive? Well, I have a smart, educated, kind, wonderful husband who would do anything for our family and our future. You don’t find men like that everyday, and turning one down just to find one in a nicer package is nothing short of foolish.

I had a few friends who had your attitude. A few told me that I was “too good” for him and wondered out loud why I would possibly be with him. I am no longer friends with those people.

And it worked out exceptionally well for me in the end. He was diagnosed with cancer, went through treatment and then remission, and turned his life around. He is down to a very healthy weight and is more active than ever. And now, my friends refer to him as ‘the hot husband’-and it’s true, I am married to the most objectively handsome man in my circle of friends. And he’s every bit as wonderful on the inside as he ever was.

Looks fade and looks change. Don’t write people off because of them.

Wow, this is such an uplifting and wonderful story! Thanks so much for sharing it. Lots to learn here.

 

[TeachCatechism]

This whole thread is just bonkers (except for everything that Xantippe posted), but these really stuck out to me.

(Bolding mine) Quite frankly, from one pretty girl to another, you need to get over yourself. You are not reflecting well on yourself, on attractive women, or on Catholic women. I’m not sure why you assume that unattractive men are only after your looks and that they have “nothing to offer in return”, but that’s a pretty sad attitude. It seems like you’re the one who only cares about looks, not them.

I met my husband on online dating. When he messaged me, I was 5’2 and 115 lbs. He was 6’6 and nearing 400 lbs. I thought his pictures were pretty cute, but obviously, words like ‘handsome’, ‘sexy’, or even ‘attractive’ were not the first that came to mind. But his opening message was funny, and I liked the content of his profile. Sure, there was no ‘spark’ from his pictures, but he seemed nice and funny, and I strongly believe in having an open mind about people. I met him a few nights later for drinks, and after an hour of talking and laughing, his size no longer mattered.

Why did I want to date someone “unattractive” when I had objectively better-looking men after me? Well, that “unattractive” man completed two bachelor’s degrees, a master’s degree, and his CPA certification all before his 23rd birthday. He also played in a band and regularly had gigs as an amateur stand-up. Men who pursue their passions are sexy. Oh, and he was kind, adventurous, and showed the respect to everyone he encountered. What was the “point” of meeting him if I didn’t find him attractive? Well, I have a smart, educated, kind, wonderful husband who would do anything for our family and our future. You don’t find men like that everyday, and turning one down just to find one in a nicer package is nothing short of foolish.

I had a few friends who had your attitude. A few told me that I was “too good” for him and wondered out loud why I would possibly be with him. I am no longer friends with those people.

And it worked out exceptionally well for me in the end. He was diagnosed with cancer, went through treatment and then remission, and turned his life around. He is down to a very healthy weight and is more active than ever. And now, my friends refer to him as ‘the hot husband’-and it’s true, I am married to the most objectively handsome man in my circle of friends. And he’s every bit as wonderful on the inside as he ever was.

Looks fade and looks change. Don’t write people off because of them.

How do I know they were only after my looks? because they mentioned how hot I was and we had nothing in common. If they had said something like “hey we like the same music” I wouldn’t have thought it was based on looks. Online pretty much to me was all about looks. It wasn’t looks only, most of these men had nothing to offer me, like the 50 year old fast food dishwasher. Earlier I mentioned how I am attracted to a guy who is short, balding and slightly chubby so for me it’s not just about looks but yes am tired of this idea that the most repulsive men can date beautiful women because that’s not usually the case.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

How do I know they were only after my looks? because they mentioned how hot I was and we had nothing in common. If they had said something like “hey we like the same music” I wouldn’t have thought it was based on looks. Online pretty much to me was all about looks. It wasn’t looks only, most of these men had nothing to offer me, like the 50 year old fast food dishwasher. Earlier I mentioned how I am attracted to a guy who is short, balding and slightly chubby so for me it’s not just about looks but yes am tired of this idea that the most repulsive men can date beautiful women because that’s not usually the case.

(Bolding mine)

And you’re surprised and offended that men approached you with the same attitude?

And now we’ve gone from “Why would an attractive person date an unattractive person when they could date attractive people?” to more extreme designations such as ‘repulsive’ and ‘beautiful’. I’m sensing a desire to backtrack…

 

[TeachCatechism]

Of course online is about looks. Not like one can know about someone’s personality unless they meet. People don’t go by shared interests, otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten the losers contacting me. There was a guy on a site I contacted strictly on shared interests and even a shared former occupation and he never responded.

 

[josh987654321]

Why lie to avoid hurt feelings? I hate when people do this. I know it isn’t that bad but i guess i’m a person who doesn’t like to mince words. Don’t get me wrong you shouldn’t be a jerk about rejecting someone but there are nice ways to do it without lying. To me this seems like High school **. Just tell the truth but in a nice way. For example instead of saying “lets be friends” just say “I don’t like you okay”. **

What? :ehh:

Wouldn’t it be better to go something like this -

“No thank you, but thank you for the offer” (of asking out). and in any case, I would much rather the response “lets be friends” if I asked a girl out instead of “I don’t like you okay.” I believe that’s not a nice thing to say to someone under any circumstances.

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[josh987654321]

Is it wrong to not want to date someone because you don’t find them attractive?

I don’t know. I don’t believe so, but then again it depends on your standards. I just can’t say, that’s up to you to decide.

beauty is in the eye of the 'beer’holder

Or should a person date and not worry about appearance and consider the personality and character only?

What do you think?

I believe appearance does play a role and that there should be a balance to be had, and in that balance I believe personality and charecter (their heart) should be a priority, because the looks are fleeting, they are certain to fade, than all you have left is thier personality/charecter, so if you would say ‘no’ without their looks, than say ‘no’.

(I have never dated a girl before so please feel free to take or leave my advice)

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[Blue_Rose]

I don’t know. I don’t believe so, but then again it depends on your standards. I just can’t say, that’s up to you to decide.

beauty is in the eye of the 'beer’holder

I believe appearance does play a role and that there should be a balance to be had, and in that balance I believe personality and charecter (their heart) should be a priority, because the looks are fleeting, they are certain to fade, than all you have left is thier personality/charecter, so if you would say ‘no’ without their looks, than say ‘no’.

(I have never dated a girl before so please feel free to take or leave my advice)

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

Thank you Josh

 

[fernfern]

Thankfully there’s no universal “standard” of beauty & it’s truly in the eyes of the beholder! I’d say we’re naturally drawn to attractive looking people but it’s the personality & character that ultimately determines the outcome of the relationship.

 

[Hobbes42]

But here’s the kicker. What if the people you are attracted to are not attracted to you. Sadly there is some bald overweight guy reading this who might think they should go for a Catholic supermodel. Don’t get me wrong it could happen but as people have told me here, don’t be disappointed if a beautiful person wants to be with another beautiful person.

Erm… I think it suffices to say this is an extremely uncharitable thing to say.

Shall we create countries so that beautiful people can live with other beautiful people? Then we can send all the ugly people somewhere else so no one has to look at them.

Maybe we’ll make it so the ugly people can’t reproduce, and make laws so the beautiful people can have the best jobs (to support their beautiful lifestyle, after all-they deserve it don’t they? I mean, they’re beautiful) and create zones where ugly people are allowed to live. Then, if the uglies get uppity, we can send them to camps so there will never be such a horrible stain upon the earth as ugly people ever again.

 

[SuperLuigi]

What if the women you’re attempting to date just put the exact same emphasis on physical attractiveness that you do? My BIL is the worst example of this that I can think of. He resembles Newman from Seinfeld but he expects to have a 10 hanging on his arms. If women reject him, they are being shallow. If he rejects a woman, it is because he just isn’t physically attracted to them. It’s almost as if he thinks that he is owed a beautiful woman for his own hapiness.

His attitude will solve nothing.

I think certain individuals just need to step up to the plate and improve themselves if they expect to date someone of high quality.

In my case, I wasn’t dating the girls I wanted to until I fessed up and figured some things out instead of being stuck in some entitlement zone where I felt I was owed a woman because some people thought I was a “nice guy”.

Your BIL could probably be more successful if he knew how to talk to women. That would get him a lot farther in terms of making way for a decent relationship. But it never hurts men or women to work on their appearance a little. I’m not talking plastic surgery but just looking presentable.