How many days a month to abstain from sex during NFP?

[Angelo85]

After several months I’ll get married and get my first sexual experience.
I want to follow NFP (don’t want to make my becoming wife pregnant until I finish my studies and have a proper settlement).
Now just to put it bluntly as an average: how many days a month should we abstain from sex on average? And which days of the menstrual cycle are the fertile days?

I’m quite shocked to see few threads telling that having sexual abstinence will require a rather large part of the month. Because after marriage I want to unify with my wife physically and emotionaly, and in my opinion sex plays a rather big part of it, as sex is made as the ultimate beautiful expression of love between married couple (with the purpose of unity and procreation). I already waited until marriage with some difficulty. I can’t abstain for that long every month

 

[maryjk]

Everyone is different. No one here will be able to tell you how many days you and your wife to be will need to abstain.

Have you thought about not getting married until you are through school?

 

[KCT]

I already waited until marriage with some difficulty. I can’t abstain for that long every month

What if your wife became ill or injured. Would you not abstain? After a baby, the advice is generally to wait 6 weeks before resuming relations. Will you be able to wait?

 

[Katie966]

You don’t have to use NFP. If you truly are not in a financial position where you can support a family, then perhaps you should postpone your wedding.

But I think a bigger concern is that you are saying you “cannot” abstain for very long. I’d be pretty upset if my husband-to-be had that attitude. Just because you waited to have sex, doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all when you’re married. There will be times you’ll have to abstain regardless of whether you use NFP or not. Self-control doesn’t go out the window upon marriage.

 

[Angelo85]

Everyone is different. No one here will be able to tell you how many days you and your wife to be will need to abstain.

Have you thought about not getting married until you are through school?

I can’t let her stay with her family because it’s like a hell for her. And besides, we are in a long-term relationship for too long (4+ years) with just 2 times to see eachother. We thought now is the time to stay together

What if your wife became ill or injured. Would you not abstain? After a baby, the advice is generally to wait 6 weeks before resuming relations. Will you be able to wait?

Yeah I can, but that is a different story (it’s just few times in life). My problem is concerning periodically abstaining for how long? 20 days a month seems for me too much (that means 3 out of 4 weeks), while 10 seems ok.

You don’t have to use NFP. If you truly are not in a financial position where you can support a family, then perhaps you should postpone your wedding.

But I think a bigger concern is that you are saying you “cannot” abstain for very long. I’d be pretty upset if my husband-to-be had that attitude. Just because you waited to have sex, doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all when you’re married. There will be times you’ll have to abstain regardless of whether you use NFP or not. Self-control doesn’t go out the window upon marriage.

A wedding doesn’t necessarily mean to get children immediatly, am I right? Like I told, I can abstain, that’s not a problem. But I want to know how long the period exactly is (e.g. 18 days? 23 days?). Because for me it seems a bit hard for not having sex in 3 out of 4 weeks. I feel like with that intimacy between a couple is put a bit under pressure. I’m not telling that what I’m telling is the only truth, but I’m just feeling. For me also sex is not for self-pleasure, it’s the bonding and unity between husband and wife → they will become one flesh (and the other purpose is procreation of course).
But until know no one gave an average on how long the abstince is. I have read it somewhere in the past, but now couldn’t get the source back.

 

[Rita77]

After several months I’ll get married and get my first sexual experience.
I want to follow NFP (don’t want to make my becoming wife pregnant until I finish my studies and have a proper settlement).
Now just to put it bluntly as an average: how many days a month should we abstain from sex on average? And which days of the menstrual cycle are the fertile days?

I’m quite shocked to see few threads telling that having sexual abstinence will require a rather large part of the month. Because after marriage I want to unify with my wife physically and emotionaly, and in my opinion sex plays a rather big part of it, as sex is made as the ultimate beautiful expression of love between married couple (with the purpose of unity and procreation). I already waited until marriage with some difficulty. I can’t abstain for that long every month

you need to take a class or a home study courses or online classes. for a normal healthy women (not in postparum) the average amount of abstaince is about 8 to 12 days each month. the fertitle days are on average day 8 to about day 19 of the cycles and the 1st day is the 1st day of bleeding so that makes the fertile days in the middle of the cycle. these are averages and not everyone is average. the best way to inform yourself about nfp is to do your own research pick a method and practice it. nfp is not as easy or as affective as contraception you have to study it and learn it.
the best reading on the top of my list is “Birth control and Chrstian Discipleship” by John Kippley is only 45 pages and you get it for $3 at amazon
methods
creighton and billings (mucus only)
symptothermal method (all signs of fertility used in a cross checking way) couple to couple leage www.ccli.org (they have online classes and a home study course)
Marquette method (fertility monitor)
nfpandmore.org its symptothermal method also but the couple to couple leage method is smipler to use but this link has great articles about nfp in general.

I use symptothermal method. I know were I am each day of my cycle and its the best method for me. I like using all the signs of fertitlity not just one. I’m able to use it postpartum too. its not easy but I believe is my only moral option and its natural so I study and practiced and abstained until I figured it out. and sometimes like postpartum I have to go back and learn something new. can you trust God, nature, (with your fertility) and your own intelligence (or ablity to understand and use) NFP?

 

[Castello]

Marriage is intended to bring about children. If you are not ready for children, you are not ready to be married.

 

[Katie966]

A wedding doesn’t necessarily mean to get children immediatly, am I right? Like I told, I can abstain, that’s not a problem. But I want to know how long the period exactly is (e.g. 18 days? 23 days?). Because for me it seems a bit hard for not having sex in 3 out of 4 weeks. I feel like with that intimacy between a couple is put a bit under pressure. I’m not telling that what I’m telling is the only truth, but I’m just feeling. For me also sex is not for self-pleasure, it’s the bonding and unity between husband and wife → they will become one flesh (and the other purpose is procreation of course).
But until know no one gave an average on how long the abstince is. I have read it somewhere in the past, but now couldn’t get the source back.

If you are not ready to accept children, then you are not ready to be married. Abstaining during fertile times isn’t a guarantee, nor is it supposed to be.

The average you would need to abstain would depend on your wife’s cycle length, which method of NFP you choose, and how important it is to avoid having children. There is no magic number anyone can give you, because it depends on individual circumstances.

 

[Rita77]

OP you opened a real can of worms here on Catholic answers NFP is a touchy subject here. you have the people who think you need to be on your death bed (maybe even dead) before you can use nfp. some people don’t remeber what its like to be young and in love. and you have to live life to learn life’s leasons like maturity. come here weren’t we all excited to get married? I believe most couples (young not near menopause) should learn NFP so they can use it when health reason or whatever serious reason happen. I already know this thread is going to brutal.

 

[Alistair_DB]

If THAT’S your attitude towards abstinence, i advice you DON’T get married.

When my wife and I got married, it was riiight at the start of her fertile period, and the stress of her moving extended her sighns. Are you willing to not have any sexual contact with your wife for two whole weeks like I had to?

And you know, if she isn’t an NFP pro by then, it’ll be harder. You don’t sound like you even know anything about classes. Did you know with many models, you have very strict rules at first, that only go away with time? We use Creighton, and at first, you’re only allowed to have sex at the end of the day, on alternate days. No sex within three days of an “uncertain” day or sign. I was able to be with my wife only three times in the first six weeks of marriage because of how her body was adjusting to all the changes. Are you ready for that?

Oh, and by the way, if you show that, or tell her so bluntly that you just CAAAN’T abstain that long, prepare to break her heart and make her feel like a failure as a wife and woman.

Sorry buddy, but it’s prolly not gonna be “a few times in a lifetime.” oooh no. Womens bodies do NOT work like that. It’s possible she could have a continuous mucous cycle, meaning longer period of abstinence or uncertainty, or maybe she has low hormones that prevent a thermal shift, thereby eliminating an entire method from being used.

 

[Rita77]

I heard the open to life message and the only use NFP when you have serious reasons when I first got married. I had to gradually learn these moral life leason over several years of marriage. to advice this kid not to get married is ridiculous and judgmental. we don’t even know him. he was just asking a question. after all these comment he might turn away from church teachings. be kind!!!

 

[Rita77]

the NFP subject can be brutal on Catholic answers read nfpandmore.org or any Catholic nfp method manual or the HV and you’ll feel better it explains it all in a kind and affective maner. some of these posters haven’t learned how to affectively get the message across. how would you all feel if this young man fell away from church teaching because of what you said was the harshest way to say it.

 

[Rita77]

If THAT’S your attitude towards abstinence, i advice you DON’T get married.

Sorry buddy, but it’s prolly not gonna be “a few times in a lifetime.” oooh no. Womens bodies do NOT work like that. It’s possible she could have a continuous mucous cycle, meaning longer period of abstinence or uncertainty, or maybe she has low hormones that prevent a thermal shift, thereby eliminating an entire method from being used.

I’m sorry you so frustrated with NFP. I was once too and sometimes still am. but thats no reason to be so harsh maybe it won’t be hard for him and his wife. you don’t know until you try. if you need NFP help talk with your teacher and post a question here many of us like to help eachother out. there maybe some tips and such that you didn’t know about until you ask. I know all about the type of cycles your wife has had I have had them too and I have used both creighton and ccl stm.

 

[Katie966]

I heard the open to life message and the only use NFP when you have serious reasons when I first got married. I had to gradually learn these moral life leason over several years of marriage. to advice this kid not to get married is ridiculous and judgmental. we don’t even know him. he was just asking a question. after all these comment he might turn away from church teachings. be kind!!!

The OP’s assertion that he “can’t” abstain for very long (meaning potentially a significant part of the month) seems immature and not realistic, which is why I suggested that perhaps he is not ready for marriage. If someone does not think he is capable of living without sex for a certain amount of time, and also cannot afford to have a family, it is not prudent to get married. Not being able to afford a family is a significant problem, and if the OP cannot have the self control that NFP requires, then it’s not wise for him to marry at this time.

If my fiance were to tell me that he simply could not abstain for as long as it required, and that he “already waited this long”, I would feel hurt and objectified.

 

[Castello]

I heard the open to life message and the only use NFP when you have serious reasons when I first got married. I had to gradually learn these moral life leason over several years of marriage. to advice this kid not to get married is ridiculous and judgmental. we don’t even know him. he was just asking a question. after all these comment he might turn away from church teachings. be kind!!!

For some reason, Catholic teaching has become way twisted.

God designed marriage to bring about children. That is the primary reason for marriage. The way we get those children is sex. Sex also binds us to that spouse because that is good for the children. This is so important that it is a Sacrament! A good marriage helps us get to heaven.

Marriage was not designed to be the next step in romance.

It works like this.

Marriage

Sex

Babies and bonding

When there is something seriously wrong and we cannot have babies, we have to abstain from sex. NFP is a way to abstain and monitor fertility and perhaps use the infertile times to have sex so we are not tempted to sin.

Somewhere in the past few years we got all twisted into thinking that the DEFAULT for marriage is to avoid children via NFP. That is using NFP as contraception and is a big error.

NFP is not the default for married Catholic people, it is supposed to be the exception.

 

[1ke]

After several months I’ll get married and get my first sexual experience.
I want to follow NFP (don’t want to make my becoming wife pregnant until I finish my studies and have a proper settlement).
Now just to put it bluntly as an average: how many days a month should we abstain from sex on average? And which days of the menstrual cycle are the fertile days?

I’m quite shocked to see few threads telling that having sexual abstinence will require a rather large part of the month. Because after marriage I want to unify with my wife physically and emotionaly, and in my opinion sex plays a rather big part of it, as sex is made as the ultimate beautiful expression of love between married couple (with the purpose of unity and procreation). I already waited until marriage with some difficulty. I can’t abstain for that long every month

You and your fiancee need to take a class, NFP is not based on averages.

 

[105lynne]

I’m only going to answer the OP question and not get into anything else. My husband and I usually abstain about 10 days on average.

 

[Nate13]

You and your fiancee need to take a class, NFP is not based on averages.

Best advice yet. Take a class and get started figuring things out before you get married. That way you can be pro’s with NFP by the time you get married.

 

[emmar]

It will vary on your wife’s cycles. For example we only get 2-3 days, that are maybe safe, I know many other couples who this is true for as well. My advice, if you use NFP to avoid, make sure you are ready to get pregnant and have kids.

 

[PaulGH]

First of all, make sure that you and your wife-to-be take a class or at least a home study course on how to do NFP. Ideally, you should do this several months before the wedding, so that she can get the practice of charting a few cycles before the wedding day.

My wife and I use the Billings Ovulation Method of NFP, and I would recommend it as a good method to start with because it is simple but still effective. However, other good methods you can investigate include the Sympto-Thermal Method (taught by the Couple to Couple League), the Creighton Model, and the Marquette Method.

To answer your question, the number of days of abstinence really varies. It depends very much on several factors, including the length of your wife’s cycles, the clarity of your wife’s fertility signs, and your level of experience with using NFP. In our case, my wife has rather long cycles, so our time of abstinenance may be a bit on the long side. It is usually a minimum of 10 days, but it can be more than two weeks. However, that is per cycle, not per month, and her cycles usually range from 30 to 40 days. So we still usually have more non-abstinent time than abstinent time.

Also, don’t forget about another great method of NFP that is less often talked about, which is ecological breastfeeding. Of course, this assumes that you already have a baby, but essentially it means that if your wife nurses the baby in accordance with certain guidelines (for example, co-sleeping and overnight nursing, no pacifiers, no pumping milk – go to the Couple to Couple League to find all the details), then it should take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years for her fertility to return, after the birth of the baby. In our case, we have found that the infertile period lasts about 13 to 14 months, and during most of that time no abstinence is required at all.