How many days a month to abstain from sex during NFP?

[helplesspilgrim]

No discernable safe days here, so total abstaining; after nearly 2 years of trying to figure NFP out. Not sure how typical this is, but based on comments on this site it’s more prevelant than you’d think. OP, You should prepare for the very real possibility that you’ll not be able to be with your wife.

 

[Em_in_FL]

It will vary on your wife’s cycles. For example we only get 2-3 days, that are maybe safe, I know many other couples who this is true for as well. My advice, if you use NFP to avoid, make sure you are ready to get pregnant and have kids.

Well, you should clarify and say that you have fertility issues that are *causing *this, but specialists/testing are a little outside your financial scope right now. That doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. This is not “normal” for a healthy, fertile woman.

No discernable safe days here, so total abstaining; after nearly 2 years of trying to figure NFP out. Not sure how typical this is, but based on comments on this site it’s more prevelant than you’d think. OP, You should prepare for the very real possibility that you’ll not be able to be with your wife.

See above response to emmar…
1 - have you tried OTHER methods of NFP (there are a variety out there)?
2 - have you seen specialists who could help you discern any medical issues that may be causing these confusing signs?

Again - these aren’t “normal” stories for healthy, fertile women. Yes, there are many women who suffer from a variety of fertility-related health issues which may (or may not) make charting with NFP a little challenging. Many (not all) of these cases ARE treatable or are easier to discern using other NFP methods.
So - don’t let the naysayers get you down before you know the facts about your particular case.

 

[Debora123]

To the OP:

Don’t worry about the people who are telling you to not get married until you are able to have children immediately.

I have been married for a year and have been told by these online “strangers” who don’t even know me that I shouldn’t have gotten married because I said my husband and I are waiting to have children until we have more money/stability.

…Yet interestingly enough, I wasn’t told in any of my Church’s pre-marriage counseling sessions that people shouldn’t get married unless they plan on having kids in the first 2 years of marriage. …Neither had I even heard that before in my life, until I came to this website and started being criticized for getting married. It seems to be some type of notion that exists only on CAF.

Now, to answer your question, you will need to abstain for an average of 8-12 days per month. Not bad compared to the 20+ you were expecting. I think you’ll do just fine.

Congratulations to you, and I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a great marriage.

 

[Debora123]

I heard the open to life message and the only use NFP when you have serious reasons when I first got married. I had to gradually learn these moral life leason over several years of marriage. to advice this kid not to get married is ridiculous and judgmental. we don’t even know him. he was just asking a question. after all these comment he might turn away from church teachings. be kind!!!

 

[Debora123]

the NFP subject can be brutal on Catholic answers read nfpandmore.org or any Catholic nfp method manual or the HV and you’ll feel better it explains it all in a kind and affective maner. some of these posters haven’t learned how to affectively get the message across. how would you all feel if this young man fell away from church teaching because of what you said was the harshest way to say it.

+1

My thoughts exactly.

 

[helplesspilgrim]

Em,

We’ve been through this before. Yes we’ve tried looking into other methods, still can’t read signs or don’t work for other reasons, docs say everything is fine. Not a naysayer but he needs to hear both sides of the NFP coin, not just the sugar coated 8-10 days abstaining happy smiley couple on the CCL pamphlets,etc, but the other couple who never or rarely can be together, and who every day have to carry this cross and shed many tears as they fall asleep holding each other.

 

[maryjk]

To the OP:

Don’t worry about the people who are telling you to not get married until you are able to have children immediately.

I have been married for a year and have been told by these online “strangers” who don’t even know me that I shouldn’t have gotten married because I said my husband and I are waiting to have children until we have more money/stability.

I am more concerned that the OP wants to get married because he just can’t abstain any longer. I really worry about he is poor wife to be. He is already counting how many days they will have to abstain. And he is worried about abstaining during her period. Sounds like the OP is a bit immature. THAT is why many of us question if he should be getting married yet.

 

[JoArtist]

I am with Debora on this one. I too am relatively newly married (a little over 2 years now) and my husband and I are unable to support children at the moment due to our financial situation and some medical issues. Our Priest and the other people involved in our premarital counseling said nothing about us postponing getting married because we couldn’t have children right away, so I wouldn’t listen to these other people who don’t know the full situation. I would look into taking NFP classes or reading some books and going to websites to learn more about this matter. Have her start the charting and learn about it and how to help her once you two are married. I pray that you are blessed with a wonderful marriage!

 

[Debora123]

Em,

We’ve been through this before. Yes we’ve tried looking into other methods, still can’t read signs or don’t work for other reasons, docs say everything is fine. Not a naysayer but he needs to hear both sides of the NFP coin, not just the sugar coated 8-10 days abstaining happy smiley couple on the CCL pamphlets,etc, but the other couple who never or rarely can be together, and who every day have to carry this cross and shed many tears as they fall asleep holding each other.

This is so sad… I am so sorry.

I’ve heard many NFP nightmare stories here and it is so sad to see good couples being put through something like this. I will pray for you.

 

[Debora123]

I am more concerned that the OP wants to get married because he just can’t abstain any longer. I really worry about he is poor wife to be. He is already counting how many days they will have to abstain. And he is worried about abstaining during her period. Sounds like the OP is a bit immature. THAT is why many of us question if he should be getting married yet.

Well considering you don’t know him, maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt and not be so quick to judge and label him as being “too immature for marriage.”

It is very difficult to be dating someone for 4+ years (as the OP has) and having to abstain from having intercourse with them. It IS a very difficult thing. He is not immature for thinking it’s difficult - he’s normal.

If you read his post more closely you will see that he thinks NFP involves abstaining for 20+ days each month (which is far from the norm). There is nothing wrong with feeling concerned or frustrated with this.

Is he too immature to get married? Perhaps. Or perhaps not. We do not know because we do not know him, and to make such accusations is uncalled for and out of line.

He came on here to ask a question about NFP fertile days. Not to be judged, belittled, called immature, or told not to get married.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Em,

We’ve been through this before. Yes we’ve tried looking into other methods, still can’t read signs or don’t work for other reasons, docs say everything is fine. Not a naysayer but he needs to hear both sides of the NFP coin, not just the sugar coated 8-10 days abstaining happy smiley couple on the CCL pamphlets,etc, but the other couple who never or rarely can be together, and who every day have to carry this cross and shed many tears as they fall asleep holding each other.

Sorry - I don’t remember your history without searching…

But your problem isn’t that NFP “doesn’t work”… it’s fundamentally that your wife has another medical issue that requires a certain type of medication that makes her fertility signs difficult to understand.
NFP isn’t the issue. Fertility isn’t even the issue… they’re side effects… that aren’t easy to cope with at all.
Her “other” heath problem is the FUNDAMENTAL issue.
That’s the burden that you’re carrying… and the side effects along with them.

My point is - it’s not fair to speak on a subject that you are dealing with as a “side effect”…
Yes - you’re carrying a horrifically heavy cross in your marriage. No, it’s not fair. Yes, I feel terribly for you.
That doesn’t mean it’s even close to the same issue that MOST are dealing with.

OP - like I said before - the “naysayers” of NFP are often dealing with “other” issues as their root problems.
Don’t get discouraged until you know the details of your particular situation.

 

[Debora123]

I am with Debora on this one. I too am relatively newly married (a little over 2 years now) and my husband and I are unable to support children at the moment due to our financial situation and some medical issues. Our Priest and the other people involved in our premarital counseling said nothing about us postponing getting married because we couldn’t have children right away, so I wouldn’t listen to these other people who don’t know the full situation. I would look into taking NFP classes or reading some books and going to websites to learn more about this matter. Have her start the charting and learn about it and how to help her once you two are married. I pray that you are blessed with a wonderful marriage!

Precisely.

It’s not fun when strangers on a website try to play parish priest and tell you you shouldn’t get married or shouldn’t have gotten married. Very offensive and completely inappropriate.

 

[JoArtist]

Precisely.

It’s not fun when strangers on a website try to play parish priest and tell you you shouldn’t get married or shouldn’t have gotten married. Very offensive and completely inappropriate.

I agree Debora. I trust my priest way more than the people on this site on this subject. If he really felt that our not being able to have children right away as a reason to postpone our marriage, he would have said so.

 

[Angelo85]

… to advice this kid not to get married is ridiculous and judgmental. we don’t even know him. he was just asking a question. after all these comment he might turn away from church teachings. be kind!!!

Thanks Rita. You understand my point. I know alot about church teaching, except about some things, like sex in christianity. I’ll explain it below. But indeed I find some comments to be a bit harsh

you need to take a class or a home study courses or online classes. for a normal healthy women (not in postparum) the average amount of abstaince is about 8 to 12 days each month. the fertitle days are on average day 8 to about day 19 of the cycles and the 1st day is the 1st day of bleeding so that makes the fertile days in the middle of the cycle. these are averages and not everyone is average. …

I’m only going to answer the OP question and not get into anything else. My husband and I usually abstain about 10 days on average.

…
To answer your question, the number of days of abstinence really varies. It depends very much on several factors, including the length of your wife’s cycles, the clarity of your wife’s fertility signs, and your level of experience with using NFP. In our case, my wife has rather long cycles, so our time of abstinenance may be a bit on the long side. It is usually a minimum of 10 days, but it can be more than two weeks. However, that is per cycle, not per month, and her cycles usually range from 30 to 40 days. So we still usually have more non-abstinent time than abstinent time…

Thanks for the answers to my question. I didn’t want an exact number. I just wanted an average, because like I told, I have read it somewhere in the past but couldn’t find it later. But glad you three provided the answer

Now I’ll explain some things:

About ‘can’t abstain for very long’: I understand it sounds a bit immature. The thing is, I have lead a sinful life in the past (masturbation, watching pornographic pictures). This has been for more than 10 years now. Three times I went to confession, to confess my sins and to hope not to do it again. But after few weeks I started again. Mostly it happens when I get angry (like I get bad results, or something bad happens, or something happened what I didn’t expect). So I got angry at God, and did these sins as an excuse, day by day. Of course God is not one to blame, but myself. I was sinning against God. But also against my girlfriend (who lives on the other side of the world by the way). Because I use it as self-pleasure instead of giving myself to my wife and unify. Few weeks back I decided to go to confession again, and this time really not to sin again. I hope I can succeed this time, but I’m sure of it. Even so, feelings won’t go away immediatly. It takes time to heal. I know an orgasm is very satisfying, so in that sense I was scared that abstaining for too long will be a mental problem for me (sins in the past). It DOESN’T MEAN I CAN’T. I’m just in healing phase, I got scared, but for sure maybe in the next few weeks I’ll feel it won’t be a problem to abstain. It’s just my previous sins which let me tell something lik this. I will have my first-time sex next year with my wife, so I just got but scared now, that’s all.
About ‘not getting pregnant’: not only me. My girlfriend also thinks like that: not to get pregnant immediatly. We have lived separate for more than 6 years, only meeting 4 weeks in those 6 years! So we thought after marriage to just have a bit time with eachother, to immigrate to United Kingdom, to have a proper settlement. And after that to sure have children. Am I wrong in my thinking? We have sufferred alot without eachother in those 6 years. We love eachother so much, but until know couldn’t be together. We had lots of problems in the past: how much my parents tried to stop this! Threatenings, my father told I won’t be his son anymore, my mother told my girl is a prostitute! She never did any sin according to my knowledge, so I felt so sad how she was treated. Now she is treated by her family like she is not their children (in contrary to her sister). I want to take her with me, get married, and have a happy life together. Please understand why I want to get married to her. It’s really more to give a happy life to her, than for the sex!
I love to get kids. She too. But I just thought to finish my studies, and have proper settlement, before having kids.
About ‘NFP etc.’ I am a medical student. I’m entering my last year. Had done my gynacology internship. So i know everything about contraception methods, except for NFP. During class, the gyno doctor told about all the contraception methods, except NFP. He mocked with christians, hinting they are crazy. The whole class also thought christians were fools. I can’t have any source at school about NFP. I want to know from christians, and I want to know the abstination time, that’s why I made this topic.
**About ‘’ taking NFP classes’ **Sadly, in the Netherlands they almost have nowhere something like that. No one knows about it. I can’t get an oppurtinity here, unless you all in USA. Please know abit about the Netherlands: the number of catholics are declining here very rapidly, alot fun/mockery is made to christianity (school, tv, newspapers, billboards, everywhere!). And how much fun they make of the pope etc! When Pope John Paul II came here in 1985, how much demonstrations there were here. I feel ashamed of this country. The few christian friends I have here, they don’t know about NFP. NFP is practiced very less here, even by christians.

I hope this message makes alot clear now. If any doubts, I’m happy to reply them honestly and truthfully

 

[Angelo85]

To the OP:

Don’t worry about the people who are telling you to not get married until you are able to have children immediately.

I have been married for a year and have been told by these online “strangers” who don’t even know me that I shouldn’t have gotten married because I said my husband and I are waiting to have children until we have more money/stability.

…Yet interestingly enough, I wasn’t told in any of my Church’s pre-marriage counseling sessions that people shouldn’t get married unless they plan on having kids in the first 2 years of marriage. …Neither had I even heard that before in my life, until I came to this website and started being criticized for getting married. It seems to be some type of notion that exists only on CAF.

Now, to answer your question, you will need to abstain for an average of 8-12 days per month. Not bad compared to the 20+ you were expecting. I think you’ll do just fine.

Congratulations to you, and I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a great marriage.

Well considering you don’t know him, maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt and not be so quick to judge and label him as being “too immature for marriage.”

It is very difficult to be dating someone for 4+ years (as the OP has) and having to abstain from having intercourse with them. It IS a very difficult thing. He is not immature for thinking it’s difficult - he’s normal.

If you read his post more closely you will see that he thinks NFP involves abstaining for 20+ days each month (which is far from the norm). There is nothing wrong with feeling concerned or frustrated with this.

Is he too immature to get married? Perhaps. Or perhaps not. We do not know because we do not know him, and to make such accusations is uncalled for and out of line.

He came on here to ask a question about NFP fertile days. Not to be judged, belittled, called immature, or told not to get married.

Thanks alot Deborah for your nice messages! It heals me to read your messages. I can understand some of the other replies also, so that’s why I just wrote a reply, explaining my personal situation. But during that time you wrote your messages, so I saw it only after I was finished haha Thanks again. Here also there are lots of catholics who don’t plan to get children immediatly, and in my opinion I feel like I’m not wrong in thinking about having proper settlement etc first, and make my wife a bit happy (I mean, spending time together just the two of us) before having kids.

And thanks Em_in_FL and JoArtist for the messages also!
For the others, please check my post (above this post) about my personal situation

 

[Debora123]

Thanks alot Deborah for your nice messages! It heals me to read your messages. I can understand some of the other replies also, so that’s why I just wrote a reply, explaining my personal situation. But during that time you wrote your messages, so I saw it only after I was finished haha Thanks again. Here also there are lots of catholics who don’t plan to get children immediatly, and in my opinion I feel like I’m not wrong in thinking about having proper settlement etc first, and make my wife a bit happy (I mean, spending time together just the two of us) before having kids.

And thanks Em_in_FL and JoArtist for the messages also!
For the others, please check my post (above this post) about my personal situation

You are doing just fine.

 

[Em_in_FL]

About ‘NFP etc.’ I am a medical student. I’m entering my last year. Had done my gynacology internship. So i know everything about contraception methods, except for NFP. During class, the gyno doctor told about all the contraception methods, except NFP. He mocked with christians, hinting they are crazy. The whole class also thought christians were fools. I can’t have any source at school about NFP. I want to know from christians, and I want to know the abstination time, that’s why I made this topic.
**About ‘’ taking NFP classes’ **Sadly, in the Netherlands they almost have nowhere something like that. No one knows about it. I can’t get an oppurtinity here, unless you all in USA. Please know abit about the Netherlands: the number of catholics are declining here very rapidly, alot fun/mockery is made to christianity (school, tv, newspapers, billboards, everywhere!). And how much fun they make of the pope etc! When Pope John Paul II came here in 1985, how much demonstrations there were here. I feel ashamed of this country. The few christian friends I have here, they don’t know about NFP. NFP is practiced very less here, even by christians.

I hope this message makes alot clear now. If any doubts, I’m happy to reply them honestly and truthfully

Here may be some helpful links so that you can learn about the methods on your own…

Sympto-Thermal Method:
nfpandmore.org/ - has an online guide you can download (it’s great) for a donation.
ccli.org/ - has a home study course - maybe they’ll ship overseas???
tcoyf.com/ - this is a secular book that teaches the method. It’s very medically grounded, but not “Catholic”, so it’ll mention techniques such as using barrier contraception during the fertile phases… we ignore those parts, of course, but it’s a great book!!

Creighton Model:
creightonmodel.com/

Marquette Method:
nfp.marquette.edu/

HTH!!!

 

[maryjk]

About ‘not getting pregnant’: not only me. My girlfriend also thinks like that: not to get pregnant immediatly. **We have lived separate for more than 6 years, only meeting 4 weeks in those 6 years! **So we thought after marriage to just have a bit time with each other, to immigrate to United Kingdom, to have a proper settlement. And after that to sure have children. Am I wrong in my thinking? We have sufferred a lot without each other in those 6 years. We love each other so much, but until now couldn’t be together. We had lots of problems in the past: how much my parents tried to stop this! Threatenings, my father told I won’t be his son anymore, my mother told my girl is a prostitute! She never did any sin according to my knowledge, so I felt so sad how she was treated. Now she is treated by her family like she is not their children (in contrary to her sister). I want to take her with me, get married, and have a happy life together. Please understand why I want to get married to her. It’s really more to give a happy life to her, than for the sex!

My first question was going to ask if this was an arranged marriage since you have only seen each other 4 times in 6 years, But it doesn’t sound like it with what you had said about your family.

Is there a reason that her family has disowned her? Do you know why they don’t like you?

Do you really want to say that you are getting married to your future wife to save her?

To again answer your first question. You need to take a class. There are classes on line and there are books. You do not want to guess at NFP. You do not want to go just by averages posted here.

For one thing, a woman can get pregnant while having her period.

 

[Debora123]

Angelo,

You should also look into buying one of these:

lady-comp.com/en/page/at-first-sight

It’s called a LadyComp. I had one when I used NFP and they are extremely helpful in assisting with charting. Though I’d still recommend taking classes or buying an NFP book for optimum results. The ladycomp would just be something used as a tool to help out.

 

[Nate13]

About ‘can’t abstain for very long’: I understand it sounds a bit immature. The thing is, I have lead a sinful life in the past (masturbation, watching pornographic pictures). This has been for more than 10 years now. Three times I went to confession, to confess my sins and to hope not to do it again. But after few weeks I started again. Mostly it happens when I get angry (like I get bad results, or something bad happens, or something happened what I didn’t expect). So I got angry at God, and did these sins as an excuse, day by day. Of course God is not one to blame, but myself. I was sinning against God. But also against my girlfriend (who lives on the other side of the world by the way). Because I use it as self-pleasure instead of giving myself to my wife and unify. Few weeks back I decided to go to confession again, and this time really not to sin again. I hope I can succeed this time, but I’m sure of it. Even so, feelings won’t go away immediatly. It takes time to heal. I know an orgasm is very satisfying, so in that sense I was scared that abstaining for too long will be a mental problem for me (sins in the past). It DOESN’T MEAN I CAN’T. I’m just in healing phase, I got scared, but for sure maybe in the next few weeks I’ll feel it won’t be a problem to abstain. It’s just my previous sins which let me tell something lik this. I will have my first-time sex next year with my wife, so I just got but scared now, that’s all.

Yeah give yourself time to win that battle and don’t be ashamed to go to confession. A vast majority of the population should be on the kneeler in confession right there next to you My advice is to concentrate on associating masturbation with the negative feelings you are going to feel afterwards. Thinking about how unsatisfying that act is compared to the ‘real thing’ is also helpful. It sounds like you are having your greatest temptations occur when other things go wrong for you in your life. Just keep working to face your problems head on and don’t leave time to dwell on them, causing rise for a temptation to escape from them momentarily.