I need advice. My husband seems perfectly content to watch tv all day, eat and sleep and not much else. He used to work, I know it’s “possible” but for most of this year, he was mostly on “vacation”.
I’m starting to go a little insane with this. I’m trying to be as patient as possible, but we are doing horribly financially, and it’s getting worse by the minute. I am trying to finish school (almost done) and I just can’t bear the thought of dropping out to work at a minimum wage job right now (because I have pretty much no job experience) while he could be making 25+ dollars an hour in his line of work—if he would just work!!
How do I motivate him? I know, prayer, and believe me I’ve done that, but besides prayer, what would YOU do if you were in this situation? HELP!
As another posted said, is he depressed? This can come in different strengths, people don’t have to want to kill themselves or cry all day to be clinically depressed. It can be lack of energy, low self worth, loss if interest in activities, etc. You can actually look up a simple online checklist about depression and run through it making guesses as to what your husbands answers would be (they are like on a scale of 1-10 or something for each question).
Another suggestion, something that can be very difficult as most people don’t seem to be made this way, is to do something called ‘praise the positive’.
It helps modify people’s behavior. I have used it successfully to get a woman who used to literally SCREAM almost constantly to get attention as if she were in an emergency when she just wanted to ask someone a routine question, etc. What we did was to ‘ignore’ her while she was screaming, and then as soon as she stopped, give her ample ammt’s of praise for gaining control over herself and seaking in a calm tone of voice.
That might sound crazy or not make sense, but it was effective in getting a women who used to drive everyone she came in contact with CRAZY to being someone who learned to express herself without screaming. And she was doing this her whole life and was a sr citizen before we started doing this to help her.
So my suggestion is that you, rather than nag or criticize (not saying your doing this) is to look for opportunities, even very small ones, where he does something work related and positive and give him special attention and praise for doing so. Don’t do it in such a way so that it will make you look/seem crazy to him, but if he doesn’t normally put his socks in the hamper, and one day he does…make a point of thanking him and telling him how much you love him and appreciate it when he does things that help around the house. Same with dishes, helping with the children, running an errand, anything and everything that has to do with his own self-care, his care for you and your family, etc.
Everyone likes praise, it makes us feel good. And when praised we are more likely to do again that which we received praise for. It might sound like your being told to treat him like a little kid. You are.
But, assuming he is not invested in getting a job for whatever reason (finding out what that/those reasons are and working on them with him would/could be a much quicker solution) if you get into the pattern of nagging him (which is perfectly understandable) the effects all too often is to have the person dig in their heels and be less likely to do what you want them to do.
Couples counseling, if he is agreeable, would also possibly be a good idea. And it might sound silly or even make you angry to be told to treat him with kid gloves when he is a man. But the reality is that he is NOT behaving like a man/husband the way most good husbands do. And without knowing why, it’s best to not make things worse. Arguments will make things worse.
You can try talking to him to find out what is going on, etc… but men have a funny way of hiding their feelings and being open about their weaknesses. He may benefit from some type of medical care as well as counseling, but he has to be willing.
Eventually you might have to put your foot down and give him an ultimatum but I suggest you work with him cooperatively, from where he is at at the present time, as a unit to try and effect change for the better.
It’s easy to say ‘just tell him it’s his responsibility to get a job and bla bla’ but if it were so easy to change other people this way everyone would be changing and living much more responsibly.
I didn’t read any of the other posts giving you advice. But I speak from my own experience as someone with depression (as well as ptsd) and there are days when I am litterally sooo exhasusted just being alive, its symptoms of depression. I would love to be able to work 80 hrs/week to better my families financial circumstances but the reality is that I am lucky to be able to work 40 because of my particular history despite being in treatment, etc. And I desire to be different and work at it, but when my wife nags me it makes the situation worse for me, not better.
Having her support and understanding of my illness and helps me a lot, when she gets impatient and starts arguments with me it makes things worse for me, and us.
God Bless,
Bill
Maybe you should just burn his dinner for a week instead! 