How to tell parents that my brother is gay

[AClaire11]

If it’s common for mom to react in this way to news that upsets her, it may possibly be a contributing factor to why all her children have left the church. If the example given to them of Catholicism and Catholics is that praying, mass attending, devotions, fasting, etc goes hand in hand with hurling insults, screaming, becoming hysterical, holding grudges, etc that’s probably something most people want to avoid. Where is the joy of following Jesus? Where is the love of Christ? What is the motivation to find the good in sacrifice? Where is the example of peace and freedom that comes from following God’s will and plan, especially during hard times? Where does love for family and fellow man fit in?

I’m glad dad is handling things better and I pray mom comes around as well. Respect us a two way street. Mom seems to be reacting in a childish way leaving the children (adult children) in the parent role. This is never a good situation for families to be in. Unfortunately moms are human and we often fall, but when I as a mom fall, I make it a point to apologize to my kids and find a way to forge ahead. Anger should only be fleeting while love remains. I hope this is true for your family as well as it is for mine. Keep lines of communication as open as possible while attempting to avoid irreversible damage to relationships. Stay close to your siblings. Try to understand not all Catholics are the same. Praying for peace in your family.

+1

And my daughter is still just a baby, but no, I can’t imagine screaming at her for telling me she’s gay or cohabiting or no longer attending church, or dramatically telling everyone in the family that I’ve been crying my eyes out for weeks. A close relative recently came out to me and I was heartbroken that she was so nervous to do so.

 

[MaryT777]

+1

And my daughter is still just a baby, but no, I can’t imagine screaming at her for telling me she’s gay or cohabiting or no longer attending church, or dramatically telling everyone in the family that I’ve been crying my eyes out for weeks. A close relative recently came out to me and I was heartbroken that she was so nervous to do so.

I can’t imagine such a screaming scene either. How very sad.

 

[BioNerd]

While it doesn’t excuse the behaviour and I certainly don’t agree with conversion therapy, whenever people hear unwanted news, it can throw them into a “throw toys out of pram” response and unfortunately sometimes hurtful things are said regardless of the situation.

Your best response is to say you are not discussing the matter and leave it at that.

How did your parents respond when you moved in with your bf? While not fully accepting the situation, the fact that you have maintained a relationship etc suggests they have the capacity to calm down once the initial shock is out of the way.

Yes, thank you for the advice! While this whole thing with my brother has been her worst reaction, we’re pretty sure she’ll eventual get over it. Maybe not until next year, but hey, it’s up to her where she wants to spend the Holidays.

Me moving out was pretty much because of my parents. I hate to word it that way but I don’t see how else I can say it. I was wanting to go on a few oversea trips with my boyfriend and I stopped going to mass. The 'rents said that would cause scandal and as long as I lived under their roof I had to attend mass and I wasn’t allowed to spend the night with my boyfriend, no matter where I was. So I said, ok cool I’ll be moved out by the end of the month. There was no crying involved but she refused to talk to me for a month. She did get over it and our relationship actually got better after moving out. I’m hoping at all turns out the same even though she’ll probably take longer this time.

 

[Rose71]

I’m sorry you’re all having such a hard time right now, but like you say, there is every hope that it will eventually pass. Graham Norton, the Irish comedian and presenter gave an interview recently about his mother, who grew up at a time when Ireland was an incredibly devout country and now has come to terms with the fact that her son is openly gay and her daughter is divorced.

In England, to ‘trump’ means ‘to break wind’ so I’m afraid he’s not being taken especially seriously over here, if that’s any consolation! Seriously though, we’re living through times when on one hand we’re still bombarded with Politically Correct nonsense that ends up alienating people by insulting their intelligence - yet on the other we have the sort of evil hatred and lack of respect for other cultures and beliefs that beggars belief and is genuinely chilling. It seems like everyone is finding reasons to turn against everyone else and the whole world has gone either incredibly po-faced or gung-ho. We’re losing any sort of middle ground in anything.

Stay just as you are - be polite, respectful and calm and don’t rise to any of her hysteria. She is utterly shocked and broken right now and lashing out, but even if as a Catholic she believes homosexual relations are a sin, there is nothing in the Catholic doctrine about hating or abusing the sinner and I pray that she comes to appreciate this and rebuilds her relationship with your brother. Perhaps she’s feeling that she ‘can’t’ be a mother anymore and keep true to her faith - but she can and she must!

Being a good neighbour to someone you consider to be committing a sin is not condoning the sin: it is following the teaching of Christ.

 

[Rose71]

I’m sorry you’re all having such a hard time right now, but like you say, there is every hope that it will eventually pass. Graham Norton, the Irish comedian and presenter gave an interview recently about his mother, who grew up at a time when Ireland was an incredibly devout country and now has come to terms with the fact that her son is openly gay and her daughter is divorced.

In England, to ‘trump’ means ‘to break wind’ so I’m afraid he’s not being taken especially seriously over here, if that’s any consolation! Seriously though, we’re living through times when on one hand we’re still bombarded with Politically Correct nonsense that ends up alienating people by insulting their intelligence - yet on the other we have the sort of evil hatred and lack of respect for other cultures and beliefs that beggars belief and is genuinely chilling. It seems like everyone is finding reasons to turn against everyone else and the whole world has gone either incredibly po-faced or gung-ho. We’re losing any sort of middle ground in anything.

Stay just as you are - be polite, respectful and calm and don’t rise to any of her hysteria. She is utterly shocked and broken right now and lashing out, but even if as a Catholic she believes homosexual relations are a sin, there is nothing in the Catholic doctrine about hating or abusing the sinner and I pray that she comes to appreciate this and rebuilds her relationship with your brother. Perhaps she’s feeling that she ‘can’t’ be a mother anymore and keep true to her faith - but she can and she must!

Being a good neighbour to someone you consider to be committing a sin is not condoning the sin: it is following the teaching of Christ.

 

[MomaMary8]

If it’s common for mom to react in this way to news that upsets her, it may possibly be a contributing factor to why all her children have left the church. If the example given to them of Catholicism and Catholics is that praying, mass attending, devotions, fasting, etc goes hand in hand with hurling insults, screaming, becoming hysterical, holding grudges, etc that’s probably something most people want to avoid. Where is the joy of following Jesus? Where is the love of Christ? What is the motivation to find the good in sacrifice? Where is the example of peace and freedom that comes from following God’s will and plan, especially during hard times? Where does love for family and fellow man fit in?

I’m glad dad is handling things better and I pray mom comes around as well. Respect us a two way street. Mom seems to be reacting in a childish way leaving the children (adult children) in the parent role. This is never a good situation for families to be in. Unfortunately moms are human and we often fall, but when I as a mom fall, I make it a point to apologize to my kids and find a way to forge ahead. Anger should only be fleeting while love remains. I hope this is true for your family as well as it is for mine. Keep lines of communication as open as possible while attempting to avoid irreversible damage to relationships. Stay close to your siblings. Try to understand not all Catholics are the same. Praying for peace in your family.

I agree that it doesn’t sound like a postive, loving example of our faith. But I would hold back completely judging the mother. I haven’t heard much in regards to the father besides he didn’t say much. If a father is passive in his role as father, discipline falls primarily on the mother. My DH grew up in a family like that. The dad did very little discipline (non really.) He just was friendly and kind and went on walks to have nice little talks. All the troubles were left to the mom who had her hands full with her large family and no back-up or suggestions for discipline. She ended up yelling and screaming and quoting Church phrases. Punishments were to kneel and pray the Rosary in front of her. No surprise that most of the kids have left the Church

This post is a good time for all of us to pause in our parenting methods. We want to pull our children closer to God, not push them away.

OP I’ll pray for your family, and for what it’s worth, we have the Sunday mass rule for our grown children and no boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers. Your moving out wasn’t because of them, it was your own choice to do so.

 

[jmcrae]

I agree that it doesn’t sound like a postive, loving example of our faith. But I would hold back completely judging the mother. I haven’t heard much in regards to the father besides he didn’t say much. If a father is passive in his role as father, discipline falls primarily on the mother. My DH grew up in a family like that. The dad did very little discipline (non really.) He just was friendly and kind and went on walks to have nice little talks. All the troubles were left to the mom who had her hands full with her large family and no back-up or suggestions for discipline. She ended up yelling and screaming and quoting Church phrases. Punishments were to kneel and pray the Rosary in front of her. No surprise that most of the kids have left the Church

This post is a good time for all of us to pause in our parenting methods. We want to pull our children closer to God, not push them away.

OP I’ll pray for your family, and for what it’s worth, we have the Sunday mass rule for our grown children and no boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers. Your moving out wasn’t because of them, it was your own choice to do so.

I always went to Church with my parents when I was living under their roof as well - I didn’t become Catholic until after leaving home.

 

[Rau]

I always went to Church with my parents when I was living under their roof as well - I didn’t become Catholic until after leaving home.

If that was done out of respect and love, it is a great credit to you. These days Jim, it is much more in vogue to stand up for one’s rights than to allow any transgression, even a temporary one, for the sake of another. Personal “rights” are seen as paramount now in very many areas of discourse.

 

[Thorolfr]

I always went to Church with my parents when I was living under their roof as well - I didn’t become Catholic until after leaving home.

How does it make sense for an adult to go to a church they don’t believe in just for their parents’ sake? I find it odd that a parent would even demand this from their adult children. Hopefully, such children would not be expected to take communion in a Catholic Church.

 

[BioNerd]

I agree that it doesn’t sound like a postive, loving example of our faith. But I would hold back completely judging the mother. I haven’t heard much in regards to the father besides he didn’t say much. If a father is passive in his role as father, discipline falls primarily on the mother. My DH grew up in a family like that. The dad did very little discipline (non really.) He just was friendly and kind and went on walks to have nice little talks. All the troubles were left to the mom who had her hands full with her large family and no back-up or suggestions for discipline. She ended up yelling and screaming and quoting Church phrases. Punishments were to kneel and pray the Rosary in front of her. No surprise that most of the kids have left the Church

This post is a good time for all of us to pause in our parenting methods. We want to pull our children closer to God, not push them away.

OP I’ll pray for your family, and for what it’s worth, we have the Sunday mass rule for our grown children and no boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers. Your moving out wasn’t because of them, it was your own choice to do so.

I’m really not understanding this. Of course we were disciplined, if we did something to break house rules both of them took away privileges, came at us with belt to the behind when we were younger etc. My daddy has always been the calmer person. He didn’t say much when my brother came out but a several days after my mom’s tantrum he called up my brother and told him he loved him no matter what and just to give him a bit of time to get used to the idea before he meets both him and his partner. We’re definitely not pushing it because we don’t wanna turn my dad away from this new direction.

And I believe adults should be able to choose which religious services they go to, if they decide to go at all. It’s one thing to make a teenager do it but at 21 it’s just trying too hard. It was my choice to move (so far the best one I’ve made aside from choosing my dream school) and my parents were the catalysts, which ultimately I thank them for.

 

[Kurisu35712]

Hook Em’ #KeepAustinWeird

Saw 'em off. Gig 'em.

 

[Kurisu35712]

On a more serious note, however, it is good that your dad is handling the situation as well as he is. Especially for a son, that can be a very reassuring comfort to know that, even if he may not approve, his father still loves him unconditionally. As others have said, give your mother time to process, hopefully she will realize that her insults and manipulation were inappropriate and apologize later on.

 

[Rau]

How does it make sense for an adult to go to a church they don’t believe in just for their parents’ sake?

Even as an act of love and respect for parents some will deem it “senseless” because in their world-view, personal rights are held to be the greatest good.

 

[BioNerd]

Even as an act of love and respect for parents some will deem it “senseless” because in their world-view, personal rights are held to be the greatest good.

Well I guess, if you consider love and respect to be living a lie.

 

[Thorolfr]

Even as an act of love and respect for parents some will deem it “senseless” because in their world-view, personal rights are held to be the greatest good.

And how much love and respect are the parents showing their grown children if they demand that they attend a service in a religion they don’t believe in?

 

[Rau]

And how much love and respect are the parents showing their grown children if they demand that they attend a service in a religion they don’t believe in?

There ought be no “demanding”. Surely that is plain.

 

[Rau]

Well I guess, if you consider love and respect to be living a lie.

Oh yes, for an hour a week a son, while living with parents, chooses to attend mass out of consideration for his parents. So let’s condemn him for “living a lie”. And if he chooses to have dinner with his parents on a Sunday, even though he doesn’t greatly enjoy their company, or their food, that’s “living a lie” too. I keep forgetting, “it’s all about me”! Any subordination of my rights and wants to another is “living a lie”.

 

[1990Domer]

And how much love and respect are the parents showing their grown children if they demand that they attend a service in a religion they don’t believe in?

Worshipping at the altar of the “self” doesn’t do anybody any good. What ever happened to self-sacrifice. It’s not like he is being thrown to the wolves.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Worshipping at the altar of the “self” doesn’t do anybody any good. What ever happened to self-sacrifice. It’s not like he is being thrown to the wolves.

So if I understand this correctly, if you were staying with Muslim relatives, you would attend mosque services with them.

 

[heidi_storage]

So if I understand this correctly, if you were staying with Muslim relatives, you would attend mosque services with them.

If they invited me, sure! I wouldn’t participate in the prayers, though. I’ve been to my brother’s Mormon service. Never visited a Muslim or Hindu sevice, though, which would be interesting as long as I wasn’t expected to engage in worshiping the gods.

I haven’t been on this thread, so catch me up. Are you guys arguing about whether unbelieving adult children should attend Mass with their parents? Seems like a bit of a silly argument.

ETA: I did NOT like the Scientology service I attended.