upporting another pregnancy, so there are times we have to abstain because of fertility. During these times, he does not come to me for sex–he comes to me for *other *sexual acts to replace sex. That is something that I am unwilling to do, and this is where the fighting begins. During these times he still agrees that a pregnancy would be unwise, but doesn’t understand why my morals should trump his “needs.”
He needs to be hit between the eyes with this… If he’s demanding that you do things that seriously compromise your morals, then he’s not loving you. He’s using you.
He needs to be flat out told: “You’re using me for a chemical release.”
Period. That’s what he’s doing. He craves the dopamine release and will go to fairly extreme lengths to get it.
And of course, it does not help at all that when he asked the priest about it, the priest told him that whatever the two of us do together is all fine and good. Catholic teaching does have rules for marital chastity. I could have dealt with all the other secular influences giving my husband poor advice, if only that priest had given advice that is consistent with Catholic teaching.
You were told what the priest said by him, correct? Perhaps the advice was more along the lines of being told that you two can do whatever your comfortable with in the context of foreplay. Many people ask this question; CAF has been littered with them. So there’s a fair chance that the answer is being filtered back to you.
Even if the advice was indeed bad, my point still remains. I understand all about getting antsy. I understand all about somewhat lengthy times for abstinence. I also understand compulsion. I don’t know if your husband is at the point of compulsion related to addiction or if his ADHD is making self-control more difficult.
My point remains the same. He needs to understand that he is
using you, not loving you. I imagine that prolonged abstinence is no peach for you either. That’s something that was news to me after I got married. Didn’t realize that many women have high sex drives too and it’s not exactly fun to restrain yourself during the fertile period. That’s why NFP is all about purposeful sacrifice. Not self-denial, not self-injury. But sacrifice for a reason that both spouses decide is sufficient to go without relations.
I make no judgment about whether your husband loves you or whether he’s a good man. I still loved my wife deeply even in the depth of my addiction. I would have died for her. I could not, however, stop myself. I needed forces outside of myself to stop me. And they have.
I am, however, making a discernment about what his actions are. And his actions are not loving. His actions are selfish and he’s treating you as a utility. He may not even realize this either. He may see it as “Hey, I’m a guy, I need sex and what the heck man? We’re married. Why not?” I’m all for frequent relations. I really am. And I know it’s an annoyance to go without. I also not that it’s
not impossible to go without sex for awhile. If our brains were truly wired that way, there would be no ascetics and no quality priests.
