Husband HAS to spend Christmas morning with his mommy

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vluvski:
She didn’t beg off from visiting, just from being there Christmas morning. She has already noted the discrepancy in time spent with her parents vs. his. New Year’s Eve and Day is as much a holiday as Thanksgiving.
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Yes, I noticed that after I hit the send button and had to run off to lunch. Thanks for pointing it out though. :o

That was our compromise - we started spending Christmas morning in our own home but by 11am we were on the road - first to my hubby’s family (local) then the 3 hour drive south to be with my family.

To be honest though, our kids, even at that young age, were more excited Christmas morning to get on the road than they were to stay home with us. :crying: They couldn’t wait to be with their cousins and with Nana and Tata.

I think that’s why I’m not advising to press the matter that much here - if the children are happy with the way things are. But of course, if the kids are expressing a desire to just stay home long enough to enjoy their gifts and sleep in and don’t really like having to open presents with everyone else around then that gives the OP some support in her approach with her husband.

I really wish her mother-in-law and husband could see what they are depriving her of establishing with her kids, but apparently when they came up with these guidelines early on they didn’t set a limit to them. As FOCCUS advisors to engaged couples in our parish, this is something my husband and I advise the soon-to-be-wed, “When you work out who spends which holidays with whom, discuss how long that arrangement will hold, think about at what age you wish to establish your own traditions and start talking about those with your parents now”.

But since this arrangement has been in place for a number of years now it seems to husband and MIL that the OPs just commenting, not really meaning anything by the statements - or so it seems since they aren’t even considering her request.

Perhaps in February or May the OP can spend some time with her husband to talk about making changes, when he isn’t eagerly anticipating time with Mom (that still seems odd to me, too, but if that has always been his position then the OP knew this about him before she said “I do” - it’s unrealistic to expect him to change just because she asks). Hopefully the kids will back her up!
 
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rayne89:
It if were my husband and it meant that much to him I would go.
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If I were the huband in a situation like this and it meant that much to me… I would find a way to make it mean not so much.
 
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LSK:
Then ask your DH to approach your MIL together, with you - as a team. -
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LSK is onto something here…there is a way to approach your MIL over the holidays, complimenting on how wonderful it’s been to spend these years with them celebrating according to her traditions, how much they’ve come to mean to you and the kids - and then mention to her how you hope to be able to establish rich traditions for her son’s children as well - what would she suggest? how did she establish them when her son was little? Does she think the new arriving baby’s first Christmas might be a good time to start? 😉
 
He says he understands how I feel, but he cannot “bear the thought” of being away from his family on Christmas morning. I’m hurt because I feel that WE are his family now! On his family’s end–his mom is just as nutty. Wants all her children and grandchildren there ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. Should I let this go AGAIN this year?
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Not unless you want to let it go for the rest of your life.
They both need to get over it. When people get married, other traditions and styles and needs are going to come up. It’s naive, if nothing else, to act like everyone that marries into the family should do everything that family way for the rest of their life.
I convinced my dh to stop this 4 years ago and now he wouldn’t dream of doing it any other way. They are welcome at my house, but we no longer feel the need to ruin our own Christmas by running all over the place exhausted. In my family, it was always the next generation that hosted and the grandparent came to our houses. It just made more sense to have 2/4 grandparents come over than dragging 7 (just mine) grandchildren to their house.
It seems more than accomodating of you to spend the following entire week or two with them after every Christmas at a cost to you with your own dear family.
 
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Della:
Frankly, I think you dh needs to grow up. Read him the verse that says: “Therefore a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife.”

I completely agree with this post Della!

Your husband needs to realize that his FAMILY is his wife & children. If it were me, I’d say “go ahead and be there Christmas morning, the kids & I are going to spend that time here in our own home - see you after the holidays”.
I have dealt with my hubby being a “momma’s boy” - when we first got married. He’s come a long way & I have helped him to see things in a different light.
Good luck to you!
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When I was a very young child, we’d go to my paternal grandparent’s home for Christmas Eve. The memory of Grandpa reading the Christmas passages in Luke before we opened gifts STILL brings tears to my eyes. We’d spend the night at their house, and get up Christmas morning to drive over to our Great Aunt’s for a big dinner with lots of other relatives.

Grandpa passed away when I was 6 or 7, then Christmas Eve moved to the Great Aunt’s house. We’d do gifts on Christmas Eve and same big meal on Christmas Day.

They lived about 3 hours from our home – as my siblings grew up, married and had children – Great Aunt was aging and moved from the farm into town, so, it was more convenient to have Christmas Eve at my parent’s home. By the time I was married and had a child, the new tradition of Christmas Eve with my parents (my dad is now the grandpa reading the passages from Luke) was firmly established. My husband’s family does a big Christmas Morning breakfast, followed by gifts – they live 10 minutes from my parents so it is simple to share time between both families. We do midnight Mass between the two celebrations.

There have been years when I or my baby sister (we are the two who have moved far away) and our spouses/children could not travel back to Mo for Christmas, but, those have been very few (thank God, because for us it seems a bit lonely to be away from our big family). Someday, when my parents pass on, I’m certain that my baby sister will take over the hosting of Christmas (she is just that kind of person) – and a new tradition will be born.

Already, our Thanksgiving tradition is changing – we’ve moved from my mom’s house to my other sister’s home. This will be year 3, it does not FEEL like a tradition yet, but – I’m giving it time!
 
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YinYangMom:
Does she think the new arriving baby’s first Christmas might be a good time to start? 😉
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Oooooooooorr, rather than ASKING her if SHE thinks it would be a good time to start YOU TELL HER that YOU have DECIDED it’s a good time to start.

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
 
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Catholic4aReasn:
Maybe your husband doesn’t realize that he’s denying his own children the very thing that means so much to him…Christmas at HOME.

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
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That’s a good approach too! When the OP talks to her husband about all this in February or May that’s certain to hit home with him…just asking him which traditions of his mother’s mean most to him, and then asking how he can pass on those traditions to his children in their own home…offering to help him do so, etc. :hmmm:
 
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Catholic4aReasn:
Oooooooooorr, rather than ASKING her if SHE thinks it would be a good time to start YOU TELL HER that YOU have DECIDED it’s a good time to start.

In Christ,
Nancy 🙂
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Yes, even better! 👍
 
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Lance:
We have the opposite problem. My mother-in-law died 3 months before our wedding and my dad died 3 years after our wedding. When my dad died my mother would go into a deep depression every holiday a have to stay in bed for a week. My wife’s brothers were unmarried at this time so we just started having all the holidays. With our kids growing up and having families of their own and my brother-in-laws having their own families Christmas is now about 30 to 35 people at our house. Thankfully one of my brother-in-laws has Thanksgiving and we all go out on Easter. My wife and I want to scale back on Christmas and just have our own family but don’t know how to tell her brothers and their families so we just keep doing it. On the other hand it is nice to get all the families together and the cousins are now having their own kids who all seem to love the big get togethers.
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Why don’t you suggest everyone meeting the Saturday before Christmas with each family hosting a different year so you all get to enjoy hosting as well as get a breather on Christmas Day itself to be just with your own family? We do that and it works out great for us.
 
Really, the problem here is not where they family spends Christmas, but that DH is demanding Christmas be spent with his parents every single year. This is absurd and unfair.
It would be terrific if the families were close enough to have everyone together, but for most people that just isn’t possible.

For the first time since I was one or two, my ENTIRE family will be together for Christmas. It may very well be the last time, too. Both my cousin and I are getting married, and one never knows how long grandparents will be with us. So this Christmas will be extra-special, with all the cousins and both sets of grandparents. We won’t all necessarily be together on Christmas morning, but we’ll be able to spend the time together just the same. I’m so excited about this, and I’m not even sad about being so far away from my fiance… well, not TOO sad;).

Maybe you can point out that being together as a family would seem a lot more special if it didn’t feel like a burden that infringes on your own immediate family and on your parents “right” to “have” you over the Christmas holidays as well.
 
Bottom line, you aren’t selfish to want to establish your own family traditions.

With confidence you can sit down with your husband during the off seasons to start working out the changes. You’ll be doing the right thing for everyone in your family - even your husband - because he really does need to be the apple of his kids’ eyes on Christmas morning (next to Jesus, of course).

Be kind, loving and firm in your approach then follow through. It’ll be rough for husband, not so much for your kids (they’re young)…and if your compromise is still including his mother’s house for a week or two after the holiday then he really has no leg to stand on in complaining about it.

Know that you have a lot of us here in your corner, praying for you.
 
I have tons of difficulties during the holidays with family too. My husbands mom wants us there. My mom wants us at her house. If we even try to suggest another time or day my mom throws a huge fit with crying and mashing of teeth! My husband and I just want to spend the holidays in our own home and visit them maybe the next day or so. All this makes the holidays sooo stressful. No one is willing to compromise.
Perhaps your husband says he can’t bear to spend the holiday away from his mother because he know she wont ever let him forget it if he is not there.
 
Anna's Mom:
I have tons of difficulties during the holidays with family too. My husbands mom wants us there. My mom wants us at her house. If we even try to suggest another time or day my mom throws a huge fit with crying and mashing of teeth!
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That’s called emotional blackmail.
 
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Orionthehunter:
Regarding you having to go to Christmas Mass alone, aren’t your kids Catholic?

This is a point of personal preference so it might not apply to all but somethng to think about. For our 20 years of marriage, we have celebrated 100% of the two High Seasons (Christmas and Easter) in our home and never travel. It has helped us keep the emphasis on the real reasons for the season. For us, travel and the chaos would be a distraction from Christ’s Incarnation, Passion, Death and Resurrection.
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Nope, I am the only Catholic in my family, immediate or extended. We were all Protestant, and I started research on my own and became Catholic on my own. My husband was ok with me being Catholic as long as I agreed to keep raising the kids Protestant. Boy, I had no idea how hard that was going to be!

I love what you say about Christmas and Easter and that is a great idea. These seasons should definitely be celebrated in a spiritual manner with more emphasis on that instead of the gifts, etc.
 
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yochumjy:
You know you don’t have to have a condesending title to the thread to get opinions, don’t you?
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Actually, it has been my experience that it does help to get attention to have a catchy title. I think anyone who reads my original post or any of the posts thereafter will see that I do not have a condescending attitude toward my husband about this at all. The title was just that–a catchy title to get attention. I know I would be more apt to check out a thread with this title than one with a title like “help with inlaws” or “Christmas traditions” or something else.
 
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aterrell:
Actually, it has been my experience that it does help to get attention to have a catchy title. I think anyone who reads my original post or any of the posts thereafter will see that I do not have a condescending attitude toward my husband about this at all. The title was just that–a catchy title to get attention. I know I would be more apt to check out a thread with this title than one with a title like “help with inlaws” or “Christmas traditions” or something else.
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All I objected to was the word “mommy”, would mother not have been as catchy? How would your husband react to that if he read this? If he’d laugh it off, fine, if not… I admit that your post was fine, but wondered if the title was hiding some extra animosity that just slipped in. Again, I just wish the best for you…
 
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yochumjy:
All I objected to was the word “mommy”, would mother not have been as catchy? How would your husband react to that if he read this? If he’d laugh it off, fine, if not… I admit that your post was fine, but wondered if the title was hiding some extra animosity that just slipped in. Again, I just wish the best for you…
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Yeah I see your point. I did think about it but since my husband frequents football or golf forums and anything Catholic is the furthest thing from his mind, I know he would never see it. If I showed him the post, I would just explain I worded it like that for the catchiness, and I THINK he would be ok with it. tee hee. Now you make me wonder! But no, no hidden extra animosity–my posts are pretty straightforward. I think I admitted to the ill feelings that are there.

Thanks for your advice and well wishes.
 
I know this whole subject is very emotionally charged and my first reaction was to agree with those who say hubby needs to grow up…

I’m a BIG proponent of spending at least every other Christmas at home. Maybe that’s because I grew up on the West Coast and all my relatives lived in Minnesota and only spent one Christmas at a relative’s home as a child. But I think there is something very special about waking up in your own home on Christmas morning and looking to see what is under the tree.

In the case where not everyone is the same religion that makes it tougher, but I would think that the family would be wanting to spend Christmas celebrating it at their own Church. Does the children’s church have a young people’s service, perhaps with a children’s choir?

I think in this case I would tell the husband that you’ll go to see his family this year because next year the oldest two children needs to be home so they can can spend some time with their friends at their church and in their neighborhood.
 
Aterrell:

I didn’t read each and every post, but I would say to go this year, and make it your “final tour.” (Of course, you really have to have your husband behind you on this one.) Let everyone know that once baby number four is born, your family will spend Christmas at home.

This will save hurt feelings (since it’s already November) and give everyone a year to get used to the fact. But do tell everyone at your MILs that this is the last one for your growing family. Can you go on New Years?

Good luck and God bless you and your precious family.
 
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