Husband HAS to spend Christmas morning with his mommy

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aterrell:
My husband and I have been married for 9 years now. Sometime after the first year or so of marriage, we decided with our families that we would spend Thanksgiving with my family, Christmas with his. So it has been throughout the years. We live far enough away from both that this requires overnight trips. We usually stay through the Thanksgiving weekend at my family’s and at Christmas, we stay anywhere from one week to two weeks with his family. His mom goes crazy at Christmas–tons of gifts for everyone. We have 3 children now-- 5, 2, and 1, and I’m pregnant with #4. After we had children, I have started wanting to start our own Christmas traditions. Have our kids wake up in their own house, open gifts, have a leisurely breakfast, etc. As the kids get older, I want this more and more, but each year, I make my suggestion, then get in the car and start driving! This year I suggested that we stay here the weekend of Christmas, then drive to his family’s house Christmas day or the day after and stay the whole next week, through New Years. (It is about a 8 hour drive.) He says he understands how I feel, but he cannot “bear the thought” of being away from his family on Christmas morning. I’m hurt because I feel that WE are his family now! On his family’s end–his mom is just as nutty. Wants all her children and grandchildren there ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. Should I let this go AGAIN this year?
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OH MY!! I swear, I could have written that post until a year or two ago!! And we were flying from overseas!!! LOL. I know how you feel, except for the DH part…he’s been on board with the “do we HAVE to go home again?!” thing, just too “nice” (I have another word for it) to express that openly to his mother…lol, I sure hope my boy cares that much for me someday; but I also hope he wouldn’t spend 3 christmases flying home and annoying the crud out of his wife just b/c he’s afraid to displease me…swings both ways, that door does.

I’d say tell him to get over it and realize you’re his family, but that’s ooh so much easier said than done. She is, after all, his mother. For some reason, that is SOOOO hard for so many men to get past…
Would it help your cause to perhaps come up with some suggestions for traditions? Maybe lay it out; explain what perks there are in store for him (you might need to buy some frilly "mrs clause items…but size that up next to an 8hr drive with 4kids…I’d buy the matching bra too…LOL) – when you’re not so exhausted from traveling and keeping the kids happy and out of trouble in other surroundings…that sort of stuff…just musing out loud – you don’t sound “mad” per se at your DH, just wishing things were different…that’s how I felt. My MIL is wonderful to my family and is good people in general, but the traveling kind of negates all that…(I know, I’m mean). Good luck…I’ll be thinking of you…(from my cozy home, where we’ll be staying for Christmas…as my DH is fond of saying “If momma aint happy, aint NOBODY happy” — see, they can change…it just takes helping them to realize it “on their own” vs. shoving it down their throat…)😃
 
If he has such fond memories of Christmas mornings in his house growing up, doesn’t he want the same for his kids? Can you remind him that your kids may want memories of Christmas morning in their own house? —KCT
 
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aterrell:
TRULY. I am glad to be able to have them spend time together. I’m not trying to keep them away. They are aweseome grandparents and I want to see them and have the kids see them as much as possible. It just doesn’t have to be on Christmas morning!!

When will there be time to start our own traditions? When the kids are grown? These are the precious years! They will only be young once!
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You already have started your own traditions, and have been following them for 9 years.

I can understand his desire to be with his family, but he has essentailly shut you out from your family for 9 years on Christmas. It seems to me to be fair to at least alternate one year with one family, the next with the other, if they cannot both be accomodated within 24 hours.

I guess I was lucky in that her family celebrated Christmas (gift exchanging) on Christmas Eve, and mine on Christmas Day; so we kept to that pattern.
 
Does your husband belong to a protestant church in your area? What about the children when they are old enough for Christmas pagents and stuff?

Why not introduce your children to Advent (dumb question, do protestants do that?) it allows you with expereince the coming of birth of Christ, waiting and preparing.
 
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otm:
I can understand his desire to be with his family, but he has essentailly shut you out from your family for 9 years on Christmas. It seems to me to be fair to at least alternate one year with one family, the next with the other, if they cannot both be accomodated within 24 hours.
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Well, alot of people have addressed this issue of my family at Christmas, so I feel I should give an answer. This is an agreement we worked out a long time ago, and I am still fine with this part of the arrangement. There are 5 siblings in my family, and my mother realized early on that by asking for Thanksgiving as “her” holiday, she would have a better chance of having everyone there together, instead of different ones on different years, depending on the in-law schedule. We stopped the gift-giving a few years back when we were all getting married or going through financial difficulties, and everyone is still fine with that. She uses the grandkids’ birthdays to shower the gifts and likes to be able to focus on one grandkid at a time-- there are 9 of them right now, with one more on the way. My mom is really good about making sure she is not intruding and she is also really good about appreciating ANY time she has with her kids/grandkids and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a holiday. The Thanksgiving arrangement just works out well because it is a long weekend and she gets us all together at once.

I have to say “thank you” to all of you for all of your (name removed by moderator)ut and ideas. Even if I didn’t address one personally, I have read every post and feel that they will contribute to my working on this area. I think the main thing I have gotten from all the posts together is that no, I’m not being unreasonable, but I do need to examine my motives, try not to be selfish, and most of all, keep the matter in prayer! Thank you all for taking the time to respond to the post. God bless you all!
 
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renee1258:
Why not introduce your children to Advent (dumb question, do protestants do that?) it allows you with expereince the coming of birth of Christ, waiting and preparing.
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🙂 Funny… yes some protestants do observe Advent, but not most of the evangelical types (non-denominational, Baptist, etc.) My husband was raised in a “Bible” church and we attend a non-denominational “Calvary Chapel” church here. They make a big deal about not having “religion”, only Jesus… Last Sunday the preacher went on a tirade about infant baptism and how it is unneccesary, baptism doesn’t save you, etc. Anyway… I digress… But I think since Advent is not just a “Catholic” thing, I would be ok introducing it to the kids, and I think I will do that this year. In fact, I’m going to go find a candle now. Thanks for the idea!
 
aterrell said:
🙂 Funny… yes some protestants do observe Advent, but not most of the evangelical types (non-denominational, Baptist, etc.) My husband was raised in a “Bible” church and we attend a non-denominational “Calvary Chapel” church here. They make a big deal about not having “religion”, only Jesus… Last Sunday the preacher went on a tirade about infant baptism and how it is unneccesary, baptism doesn’t save you, etc. Anyway… I digress… But I think since Advent is not just a “Catholic” thing, I would be ok introducing it to the kids, and I think I will do that this year. In fact, I’m going to go find a candle now. Thanks for the idea!
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Well if they’re all about Jesus I would think it would be easy to work Advent symbolism/ritual into the house without identifying it as such. They’d have no clue they’re participating in a Catholic liturgical season, but they’d be spending each day leading up to Christmas focusing on Christ’s coming.

I don’t see how they’d object to an advent wreath if you don’t call it that…it’s just another decoration in the house to go along with the tree…certainly there are other candles displayed and lit during the season - so these four ‘happen’ to be on the wreath and 3 ‘happen’ to be purple while the other is pink, and you ‘happen’ to light them in a particular order…how could any Bible Christian take offense at reading a particular scriptural passage while lighting the candle each evening? would they take offense at blessing the tree before it’s lit for the first time (perhaps that would be one ritual they’d recognize as Catholic off the bat). Would they take offense at one of those advent calendars that hide a mini ornament or piece of chocolate behind the panel of the nativity scene? Would they take offense at a nativity creche?

There are so many Christmas Catholic traditions which can be passed off as Holiday Decorating to the unknowing eye, especially since the focus in advent is Christ centered. They don’t need to know the significance this year…perhaps down they line they may ask why you did what you did and then you can explain.
 
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KCT:
If he has such fond memories of Christmas mornings in his house growing up, doesn’t he want the same for his kids? Can you remind him that your kids may want memories of Christmas morning in their own house? —KCT
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This is a GREAT way to approach the situation. I’ve been reading this thread with interest (as I used to be like your husband:o ). This is how dh approached things with me, and I finally saw the light!
 
I just wanted to add that I grew up in a Church that was very much similar to most Baptist Churches (except we didn’t agree on OSAS - we were of the Wesleyan-Armenian tradition) and we did have Advent candles in church… not much else - but hey for a church that other wise never acknowledged any idea of a liturgical year it was something, lol - I also attended another church of my denomination that’s choir director did follow the liturgical year in the color of the choir robe’s stoles, LOL - wonder if anyone else in the church had any clue?

Anyway - I’d think Advent would be ok - theres a lot of protestant Advent family devotionals out there if that would be more acceptable to your husband (you can always check it to make sure theres nothing you disagree with in it before you use it with the kids)
 
aterrell said:
🙂 Funny… yes some protestants do observe Advent, but not most of the evangelical types (non-denominational, Baptist, etc.) My husband was raised in a “Bible” church and we attend a non-denominational “Calvary Chapel” church here. They make a big deal about not having “religion”, only Jesus… Last Sunday the preacher went on a tirade about infant baptism and how it is unneccesary, baptism doesn’t save you, etc. Anyway… I digress… But I think since Advent is not just a “Catholic” thing, I would be ok introducing it to the kids, and I think I will do that this year. In fact, I’m going to go find a candle now. Thanks for the idea!
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Wow, I give you kudos just for being able to sit through that nonsense.

Advent is a great idea. It’s all about Jesus’ coming, not religion, so they might like it.
 
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Catholic4aReasn:
What’s the Jesus Box?
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You get an old shoe box or something like it, cut a hole in the top and then decorate the box anyway you want and tape the top down so no one can just open it whenever they want. Whenever you have a problem that seems overwhelming, or a resentment of some kind that is making it very difficult to live life as a Catholic Christian, you get a piece of paper and just spill your guts onto it…do not worry about spelling, grammar, syntax, or what it sounds like when you read it out loud.
Like OP might write:
I have had it. for 9 years now we have done Christmas like HE wants and like SHE wants and I have had ENOUGH. I want to do it MY way because I want the kids to have their OWN traditions and what is wrong with that anyway and why won’t my husband listen to me anyway am I so wrong to want my own darn christmas it’s not like I don’t love my MIL I do but she gets her way every year and just this one time I want to hang up my own decorations and have the kids wake up in their own beds and see wrappings all over my own livingroom and darnit why won’t he stand up to her and say look mom we’re staying home because we want it that way and I love my wife and she is having my 4th baby and have a great Christmas and we’ll see you that weekend why why why NOT???

Then you put it in front of you, get on your knees and say a prayer like this:
Lord, here it is…it’s not very pretty but it is how I feel and I cannot change it. You told St. Faustina to come to you with everything, the good, the bad and the ugly so Jesus, I trust in you and that’s what I am doing. This is how I feel. I am giving this to you and I am asking you to take it and whatever comes of this I will accept your will in this matter, as a humble, obedient servant and using your Mother as my model, I ask for your help, Amen.

Then you put the paper in the Jesus Box and you walk away.

If you have to do it 14 times in one day, so be it.

You also make sure you put the box somewhere safe so the DH or any other person you would rather not read your thoughts, well, reads your thoughts. One person suggested burning the papers and not having an actual box and that is certainly an option. I have found it is taking the ACTION of the writing and the praying that COUNT.
 
Also if your ILs do Santa, you can introduce the real Saint Nicholas in children’s books on his feast day.
 
Okay, maybe I’m a nasty, evil woman, but I’d tell him,

“Gee honey if you feel the need to spend Christmas with your mommy, go right ahead. THE KIDS AND I WILL MISS YOU!”

You’re pregnant, right? Should you even be travelling?

Don’t let him (or her) guilt-trip, or anger-trip you into doing anything you don’t want to do (or aren’t up to doing.)
 
OK… tee hee… I just let my husband read the entire thread. Yikes. He really is a good guy. I’m not just saying that because he’s looking over my shoulder. 😃 I did explain to him that I chose the title that I used only for catchiness to make people read the thread. But I guess I never really explained that it truly isn’t just about his mom to him. Like an earlier poster, he is extremely close to his siblings and cousins, who are also like siblings to him. After Christmas morning presents are opened, they all go to an aunt’s house where there is probably 30 people, aunts, uncles, cousins. They play games, eat, etc., pretty much hang out all day. Alot of his wanting to go “home” is to be with all of the extended family, siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

Happy Dear?? :love:
 
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aterrell:
OK… tee hee… I just let my husband read the entire thread. Yikes. He really is a good guy. I’m not just saying that because he’s looking over my shoulder. 😃 I did explain to him that I chose the title that I used only for catchiness to make people read the thread. But I guess I never really explained that it truly isn’t just about his mom to him. Like an earlier poster, he is extremely close to his siblings and cousins, who are also like siblings to him. After Christmas morning presents are opened, they all go to an aunt’s house where there is probably 30 people, aunts, uncles, cousins. They play games, eat, etc., pretty much hang out all day. Alot of his wanting to go “home” is to be with all of the extended family, siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

Happy Dear?? :love:
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Yeah, but what’s the verdict? 😉
 
after reading all this can only say one thing. thaank God my family is alll In Grand Rapids michigan when I was a kid, so christmas was spentwith both sets of grand parents like it properly should be.
 
Alternate houses. It’s the only thing that has worked in my family. Expect some negative feedback when you bring it up though. It’s a tough one. I think kids really need to have memories of having Christmas at home. Waking up to the stockings filled by Santa, etc… I put my foot down with my mom. She wanted us all to go to her house. My wife and I decided that our family needed Christmas also. So now we always have Christmas at home, then drive to whichever siblings house is the designated house that year. It still drives mom nuts that we don’t come up the night before and wake up to presents at her house, but when I explained how much Christmas morning at home meant to me as a child, she understood.
 
I have to say that I find this quite ridiculous. My wife is Full blooded Italian and My side is full of Italian people also so we have quite a big family, which requests to spend time with us as much as possible. I knew from the start that if I didn’t take control this wouldn’t go very well. First my wife and I’s families do not get along totally, well 2 people to be exact, but that causes enough problems. It’s her dad and my Step-dad. I decided from the get go to well, take over Christmas. Our grandparents basically ran the show in our families, but once we talked it over we had everyone at our house - around 40 people to be exact. All of the old Aunts and our grandmothers made all that great homemade food and transported it to our house. Now the Christmas tradition is come to our house. I won’t have to worry about porting my kids to her families, then my mom’s/stepdads, then my dads/stepmoms. Everyone can come to our place. Make sure you nip that in the bud or it will never change.
 
I’d give anything to spend another Christmas with my Mommy. She died when I was in my mid-thirties. I loved her so much, I still cry when I think of her. Yes, I was a Momma’s boy.

My DW was always indulgent about spending time with my Mom, and never complained about it, and for that, I am grateful to her. So in return, I make it a point to never complain when she wants to spend time with her folks, even for the holidays. I realize that they won’t always be there, and there’s no harm in enjoying the time left.

Years ago, my MIL told my wife that Momma’s boys make good husbands, I guess in reference to me. I don’t know about that, but I do know that I’m completely devoted to my wife, and I’m sure I’ll suffer greatly, should she die before me.

So for the OP, try to give your husband a break on this one. Try not to force your husband to make a decision between his Mommy and you. After all, you really aren’t in competition with her, it’s a different kind of relationship.
 
Goodness, everyone has their own idea of what Christmas should be. It looks like that is cause for more fighting in marriage than the parents being of different faiths and needing to decided which one to raise the kids as.

You can come off as reasonable as possible, but that really doesn’t matter. There is a sort of unreasonableness with traditions. I don’t think there is much reason why one needs to get up in the morning and open presents with only with the immediate family, than one must go and spend time in a whole big get-together with the extended family on Christmas either. I don’t really see it being taken up in the Bible. I guess there might be more sympathy for being at home, but I think that might be more cultural due to our importance on the immediate family. If you might take a hispanic family they might think your crazy for only staying home on the Christmas Holidays.

You can try to win us over, but the thing is just going to have to be ironed out between you and DH. You vowed to take eachother in reasonableness and unreasonableness. Keep praying for unity & hope that you can work something out where you both will end up not being so crabby on the subject.
 
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