Husband HAS to spend Christmas morning with his mommy

[aterrell]

mumto5:

Yeah, but what’s the verdict?

NO VERDICT!! I’m really sad today. We were all jokey and lighthearted last night reading everyone’s posts, and then somehow the conversation just went downhill fast. I feel like he just won’t LISTEN to how I FEEL. He is an attorney and I feel like every discussion we have has to turn into an argument with all his points laid out, and an answer for everything. He will find one little thing and argue about that. For example, he read what I wrote about always being willing to visit his family (I used the word “extensively”) He took issue with that and the discussion turned to how much we visit his family overall. He doesn’t think it is “extensive”. I just feel like I can’t get anywhere with him.

Basically all I want is to be heard and understood and loved by him. I want him to say “Yeah, that sounds cozy to be with you and the kids on Christmas morning for a change. Enjoy the kids, snuggle all morning… Let’s try it!” But he just said that being home would be boring, just like any other weekend when he is home. Of course that really hurts my feelings.

I’m not asking him to never spend Christmas with his family again! I just don’t understand why it HAS to be that way every year. I have given it to him willingly for the past few years because I know it makes him happy. Why can’t he do the same for me? That’s all I’m asking.

Sorry, I’m venting here I guess. I went to bed crying and now I’m having a bit of a depressing morning. Better go get our day started.

 

[aterrell]

cargopilot:

Try not to force your husband to make a decision between his Mommy and you. After all, you really aren’t in competition with her, it’s a different kind of relationship.

Not trying to do this at all. This isn’t about that. I love his mother very much and we have always had a great relationship. Most of the time, she and I talk more than she talks to him! I keep her updated on the kids with pictures, chats on the phones, emails, etc. She and I talk or email almost every day. This is just about my wanting to have one Christmas at home with our kids. But then I have already clarified in earlier posts that this situation isn’t just about “mommy” anyway.

I think your relationship with your mother and wife sounds beautiful. I agree with you that mama’s boys do make good husbands (as long as it is not too extreme!) Men who were taught to love and treat their mother well will usually treat their wife well also.

God bless you!

 

[vluvski]

aterrell:

NO VERDICT!! I’m really sad today. We were all jokey and lighthearted last night reading everyone’s posts, and then somehow the conversation just went downhill fast. I feel like he just won’t LISTEN to how I FEEL.

I think he needs to read this post. I’m so sad for you, aterrell!

 

[Orionthehunter]

aterrell:

NO VERDICT!! I’m really sad today. We were all jokey and lighthearted last night reading everyone’s posts, and then somehow the conversation just went downhill fast. I feel like he just won’t LISTEN to how I FEEL. He is an attorney and I feel like every discussion we have has to turn into an argument with all his points laid out, and an answer for everything. He will find one little thing and argue about that. For example, he read what I wrote about always being willing to visit his family (I used the word “extensively”) He took issue with that and the discussion turned to how much we visit his family overall. He doesn’t think it is “extensive”. I just feel like I can’t get anywhere with him.

Basically all I want is to be heard and understood and loved by him. I want him to say “Yeah, that sounds cozy to be with you and the kids on Christmas morning for a change. Enjoy the kids, snuggle all morning… Let’s try it!” But he just said that being home would be boring, just like any other weekend when he is home. Of course that really hurts my feelings.

I’m not asking him to never spend Christmas with his family again! I just don’t understand why it HAS to be that way every year. I have given it to him willingly for the past few years because I know it makes him happy. Why can’t he do the same for me? That’s all I’m asking.

Sorry, I’m venting here I guess. I went to bed crying and now I’m having a bit of a depressing morning. Better go get our day started.

I am sorry to hear that this first effort didn’t resolve the issue. However, I suspect that you have touched a chord. His lawyerly response is just a form of defensiveness. Pray for him that he will forego his own emotions and empathize with you. Pray for yourself that the Holy Spirit will comfort you and give you the wisdom to do what is best for marriage and family in the meantime and guide you when it is appropriate to re-open the discussion. Not all is lost. Patience is a virtue for a reason. Also, always, always trust in God.

 

[leaner]

Oh POOP! I’m so sorry this is turning into such an issue for you both – talk about ruining a wonderful opportunity to grow closer as a family…our house used to do everyone at their own houses for the morning/daytime, and then extended family (much like your DH’s arrangement) over after dinner for cake/pie/coffee and more gifts. It worked great, and since we had the most kids, it was done at our house b/c my parents didn’t have to cart 7kids anywhere. Can you get your doc to put you on travel restriction?? Ok, that’s not honest…just grasping at straws…LOL {hugs} and I hope you both can simmer down enough to discuss and come to a mutual agreement…

 

[aterrell]

OK maybe I’m just in a cry-y mood this morning, but your posts are bringing tears to my eyes! Thank you all. Leaner, I have to tell you… your post about the Mrs. Santa outfit was so funny, and my husband’s favorite! (surprise surprise!!) I’m not ruling it out, but a pregnant Mrs. Santa? hmmm…

 

[Princess_Abby]

This is breaking my heart!

But I agree that your husband is probably just feeling defensive so he went into lawyer-mode. My dad does that too. Whenever we were in trouble as kids, we’d eventually start crying and ask “why are we on TRIAL, dad?!?!”

I think he will come around. Did he just not notice that you were crying as you went to bed last night? Or did he think you were “just being emotional.” (I’ve heard that a couple times already, being pregnant also, and that is definitely two times too much!)

Can you ask him if Christmas is worth having such hurt feelings over? Does it not count for anything that you’ve gone, nicely and willingly, for nine years in a row? What is wrong with alternating years???

 

[YinYangMom]

As much as I grumbled in the early years having to tote my kids, our belongings, gifts for everyone else, and leaving space in the car to bring back all the stuff from the other houses…

Having been unable to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with any extended family for the past 9 years I really miss it.

Your husband has a valid point, sorry to say…You’re fighting over one day of the year, after having established the holiday custom over the past nine years.

Think about it…you’d have to pull off one spectacular holiday ‘home tradition’ in order to justify making the change. If your kids and your husband are perfectly content with spending Christmas at Grandma’s with all the cousins and **this **Christmas that is replaced with staying home - how can they help but wonder what for??? They are not going to understand why this was such a big deal to you and you will be left in tears Christmas evening because they didn’t cooperate in making it special for you.

I’m not saying this because he’s right and you’re wrong. I still believe you are in the right to want Christmas day at home, but after 9 years of this other routine which has no negatives for anyone - but you - it does seem out of place to ‘all of a sudden’ (that’s how they’ll see it) change things.

I’ve been in the situation where I can’t get my needs across to my family on matters that are important to me. It just causes more trouble and in the end, I still don’t get what I need because they just don’t ‘get it’. They end up going through the motions of doing specifially what I asked, but the spirit behind it is nonexistent - so it isn’t a gift from them to me at all, it’s just 'keep mom quiet by doing things her way so we can hurry up and get back to the way it really should be". It’s even more frustrating to have to tell them step-by-step what I’m looking for from them…I want them to just ‘know’ already!!

You agreed to this arrangement in the beginning.
The arrangement has been in place for 9 years.
The arrangement is working for everyone except you.

Remember the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

In the grand scheme of things - is this one of those things you need courage to change - if you can?

I’ve saved those battles for the important ones - like when my husband was allowing the relationship with our son to deteriorate, or when I was reenergized in my faith and he was stagnant in his, or when my son’s past sent him spiralling into a deep depression and he almost didn’t want to remain Catholic…

where to spend the holidays, when and how, I gave up a long time ago. Even if I could have saved up the money to fly us home for the holidays all these years, my husband would not have supported it and we would have fought about it - and our kids do not like it when we fight so it would have affected our entire household.

Do I regret not fighting harder to spend even one holiday every other year at home with extended family members? Yes.

Every holiday I still feel the pull to go home especially as I’m grocery shopping for a meal for 4 instead of 10-20 like everyone else is - and especially when it’s just the four of us at the ‘special’ table with the ‘special’ china and crystal, video taping the four of us raising our glasses in a toast to our extended family - then finishing the meal in 20 minutes so hubby begins clean up, kids go to their rooms to play, and I go upstairs to the computer to compile the video clip and email it to the family email list. It’s depressing, really, but I don’t get stuck there. I thank God for the camera and the internet so I can still share even a little bit. I thank God my parents are still alive and my relationship with my siblings and inlaws is such that I can send them this clip.

Yeah, we were forced geographically and financially to establish our own holiday customs, and they aren’t bad. We’ve come to look forward to them and appreciate them. Still, my kids and I would, in a heartbeat give up our time alone to pack everything up for a trip with extended family for the holidays - exactly because of what your husband said - we’re alone together 365 days a year. Being with extended family - that’s the treat we long for, we look forward to. That’s what makes the holiday “special”.

Just something to think about. My prayers are certainly with you.

 

[Princess_Abby]

YinYangMom:

I’m not saying this because he’s right and you’re wrong. I still believe you are in the right to want Christmas day at home, but after 9 years of this other routine which has no negatives for anyeone - but you - it does seem out of place to ‘all of a sudden’ (that’s how they’ll see it) change things.

What about her children who will never have a memory of waking up on Christmas morning at home with their parents? The very thing her husband is still attached to as a grown man and insisting that his wife and children continue to enjoy it. That is a negative for her children whether or not they realize it.

…just my opinion.

 

[masondoggy]

aterrell:

NO VERDICT!! I’m really sad today. We were all jokey and lighthearted last night reading everyone’s posts, and then somehow the conversation just went downhill fast. I feel like he just won’t LISTEN to how I FEEL. He is an attorney and I feel like every discussion we have has to turn into an argument with all his points laid out, and an answer for everything. He will find one little thing and argue about that. For example, he read what I wrote about always being willing to visit his family (I used the word “extensively”) He took issue with that and the discussion turned to how much we visit his family overall. He doesn’t think it is “extensive”. I just feel like I can’t get anywhere with him.

Basically all I want is to be heard and understood and loved by him. I want him to say “Yeah, that sounds cozy to be with you and the kids on Christmas morning for a change. Enjoy the kids, snuggle all morning… Let’s try it!” But he just said that being home would be boring, just like any other weekend when he is home. Of course that really hurts my feelings.

I’m not asking him to never spend Christmas with his family again! I just don’t understand why it HAS to be that way every year. I have given it to him willingly for the past few years because I know it makes him happy. Why can’t he do the same for me? That’s all I’m asking.

Sorry, I’m venting here I guess. I went to bed crying and now I’m having a bit of a depressing morning. Better go get our day started.

I understand your feelings. This is a tough situation.

I can also understand where your DH is coming from, because that’s where I am coming from also. Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only times of the year that I even see most of my family. If I don’t go to the gatherings on those days, I miss a lot of people. Maybe that’s how your husband feels. He doesn’t want to miss that opportunity to see everybody. It’s a hard thing to miss out on. Especially in my situation because I know these gatherings won’t last. My grandparents probably won’t be around much longer, and there’s a lot of fighting/rifts growing in the family due to disagreements about their care. I know it’s a great possibility when they die, that many people in my family will go their seperate ways and things will never be the same. So, with that fear in mind, I’m caught between spending quality time with my family, and squeezing a few hours in at DH’s family’s house who we see ALL YEAR ROUND. There are only his mom, 2 brothers, SIL, & nephew. I WISH so badly that they would move their gathering for Christmas Eve or something so I can spend time with my relatives who I NEVER see. It’s a tough situation.

Anyways…I hope you two can work it out. Maybe what it should come down to is asking the kids what they want to do on Christmas morning. That may be the best way to solve the disagreement, sort of a compromise.

I hope ya feel better soon.

 

[YinYangMom]

Princess_Abby:

What about her children who will never have a memory of waking up on Christmas morning at home with their parents? The very thing her husband is still attached to as a grown man and insisting that his wife and children continue to enjoy it. That is a negative for her children whether or not they realize it.

…just my opinion.

But her children don’t know what they’re missing.
They aren’t aware of anything being amiss right now.
That’s the OPs issue, not theirs.
Right now, they are happy with the tradition they’ve known the past nine years.
To have that tradition ‘interrupted’ would not make sense to them.

And honestly, if hubby and kids and extended family members cherish Christmas at Grandmas, what are they really missing out on by waking up on Christmas morning with Mom and Dad, just like every day of the year up to that point?

As I noted, our family has had it both ways, and in heartbeat we’d go back to extended family holidays over ‘home alone’ holidays. We don’t have that option though. She does and that’s why it’s a problem…she has a choice where many others don’t (either the inlaws are deceased, or the family’s don’t get together anyway, or like me, it’s just geographically and financially not possible).

And yet, because her husband is so against it - she really doesn’t really have the choice she thinks she does. To exercise the option is causing tension in the marriage…so is this a battle worth fighting over? That’s the tough call.

 

[aterrell]

YinYang… You seem to be a very wise woman. Thank you for your words. And I am in tears again… All very good thoughts and things to consider, and actually very much in line with the thoughts and feelings I have had in the last hour or so. I think God is telling me to offer it up. I don’t want to. At all. I want to fight for my right. I’ve given it up every year. I’m asking for something small. I want my husband to love me enough to care. The kids are a non-issue in my opinion. We will have our “pretend” Christmas a day or two before Christmas anyway and then drive to the grandparents. At this age (5 & under) they have no concept of dates. If we went 2 days later, they wouldn’t even know. As long as we go, that’s what they care about. Yes the staying here for Christmas morning is for me. Being there is for dh. And for mil. No one else cares, really.

Anyway… I emailed dh a while ago and offered to stay here for Thanksgiving Day and go to my mom’s the day after to make things fair. My mom would delay the meal till Friday for us–she is just that kind of woman. I also said that was the last thing I was going to say about it and then that is when I began to feel that God is telling me to offer it up for my husband’s conversion. I try to offer up the little things, but this is a BIG thing to me, so I suppose I should count myself blessed to have something so great to offer. Boo hoo hoo… Gotta Go.

 

[leaner]

aterrell:

OK maybe I’m just in a cry-y mood this morning, but your posts are bringing tears to my eyes! Thank you all. Leaner, I have to tell you… your post about the Mrs. Santa outfit was so funny, and my husband’s favorite! (surprise surprise!!) I’m not ruling it out, but a pregnant Mrs. Santa? hmmm…

Hey Lady, I’ve learned when the second trimester rolls around, all bets on “normal” are off…and my DH has learned not to question or raise an eyebrow at an advancing wife…just go with it…LOL!!!

 

[LSK]

And isn’t if FABULOUS everyone that her husband read all our posts, laughed out loud and actually discussed stuff with her? You, my darling sister in Christ, have a wonderful husband, no matter what the ‘verdict’ or outcome is this Christmas. Thank heavens - and it sounds like you are a wise woman and that there are a lot of wise women on this forum.

 

[aterrell]

LSK:

there are a lot of wise women on this forum.

and men!! don’t forget them!

 

[JGheen]

Della:

Frankly, I think you dh needs to grow up. Read him the verse that says: “Therefore a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife.” It’s all very well to visit, but two weeks and Christmas day, too, every year? He needs to cut the apron strings to his mommy all right.

Amen! :clapping:

Within the confines of a positive marital relationship, you need to express upon your husband that you and your children are HIS FAMILY. His parents and your parents are secondary.

You have been very gracious to see his family every Christmas. (My husband and I alternate T-Day and Christmas so each year we spend one of the holidays with his and one holiday with mine and then we flip the holidays the following year. Incidentally, we plan to stop visiting our parents and spend Christmas alone once we have children.) But, perhaps your generosity got you in the pickle of him “needing” to see his family.

I would think your children deserve to experience Christmas with your parents as well as his. This seems like a fair argument to make. Even if your husband says he “can’t imagine” not seeing his family on Christmas morning, you can honestly say that you have made that exact sacrifice for him for almost a decade. Fair is fair. And fair trumps emotional attachments (generally). Once he gets use to not seeing his family every year (because he spends a Christmas with your family occasionally), he will probably be much more willing to scrap the parents all together and spend Christmas with just you and the kids.

 

[JGheen]

aterrell:

Wellllll, she really doesn’t understand about having 4 children. She had 3, all spread out with about 9 years between them.

My MIL had 3 children and spaced 7 year in-between EACH! She though that the only responsible and appropriate way to raise children is as “only childs”.

Nice, huh? I’m apparently a godless wonder for wanting more then 3 children because it means I’d have to (gasp) not space them “properly”.

 

[Sparky]

I have an idea…really I do. I’ve been thinking of doing this myself, considering we get dragged from one end of the universe to the other, too.

Celebrate the Feast of St. Nicholas (December 6th). And make that your family giving day. OR…do what they do in Europe and celebrate the Feast of the Three Kings (Epiphany) on January 6th.

Make that your special day for Christmas giving in your family, giving gifts, having a great meal, doing special events (ideas are in the links above). Then they can learn the real meaning of Christmas, and who St. Nicholas REALLY was, and all about the story of “Befana”… And I’d limit your Christmas stay with Grandma to less than a week so they can be home for the three kings to arrive.

In other words, make your own family tradition. When your husband sees how your own family traditions are, he might shift his focus a little from mom to you and his own family.

–Ann

 

[aterrell]

Sparky–

That is an AWESOME idea! I love it! Really! And it would work well for us b/c one of the things I hate the most is rushing off and leaving their gifts from us at home for a week or 2. This would give them time to play with them for a while before we leave! Now if we can just get the things we ordered online in time!

 

[LSK]

I’m telling you…the women AND men on this thread are WONDERFUL!!!